It has been 13 months since I have had to crawl out of the terrifying hole that is depression. Some say a depressive “episode”…Well that was one long episode!

It was nearly 2 years worth of episode and as so many of you know, a minute feels like an hour – and hour feels like a day – a day, like a month, a month like a year. When you have depression, that is.

In my life, I’ve had 5 major episodes. And they were both different but alike at the same time.

Same ol’ Gremlins sitting on the edge of the bed as I lay beneath the covers…”You should be happy. Look at all you have. So after you do __________ then you’ll be happy. But it’s too much. You can’t do it. What’s the point anyway?” Over and over and OVER and over again I’ve had that old familiar discussion.

And then it happened. Driving back to Boston from Philly on Thanksgiving 2010. Sitting in traffic on the George Washington bridge, over the Hudson River, thinking about Scully.

I became aware of a sensation. The sensation of light..of levity…of hope. I felt that indescribable feeling; the one right before you cry? And I did. It was an amazing moment in my life. One of those moments that you will never, ever forget.

Continue reading… »

Because I have been forced into the anxious flyer category, now, while in the friendly skies, I have more epiphanies, more moments of clarity, more wine and  now, more plans about what to do with my life If I make it back down to the ground after lift off, then on up to 10,000 feet, I’ve decided to create a bucket list and my bucket will be embossed with the words “Leslie’s Why Not Bucket?

Don’t laugh or roll your eyes now…here are a few things that have have been tossed down deep in that bucket…

Continue reading… »

Here are your directives Virginia:

Halloween BOO! Next, hurry up and be way grateful while your hand is stuck up in some poor unsuspecting turkey, then on your mark, get set, GO! 12:01 am black Friday and shop, shop, shop, while you had better hark hear the angels while you deck your halls while you roast your chestnuts on the damn open fire…now, go shop the after sales for a sparkly LBD that most certainly isn’t the size 6 you had hoped to get into for the big why-is-there-nobody-for-me-to-kiss-at-midnight New Year party! …and then there is the hangover and the dreaded black eyed pea.

Got it? Good.

This morning, I opened up some boxes in my closet marked “Crafts.” Mixed in with the hot glue sticks and ribbon, was a memory. A memory of when I actually hand made holiday t-shirts and ornaments for the tree. And that was just pre-Christmas! Under the tree, each woman in my family delighted (or at least I think they did!)  in unwrapping a box holding handmade earrings and pins. Now I’m lucky to make my cards and get them in the mail.  Fine. I don’t do cards and haven’t in a couple of years.

Busted.

Continue reading… »

Grateful.

Yup, alone. You would think as outgoing and extroverted – how nice, friendly and warm I am, I would have tons of options of what to do on the big day….what to do? What to do?

I’ve spent the last year coming out of my shell. Match.com resulted in many dates that I wouldn’t trade for the world! OK, that was a full out lie. If anything, it’s been an exercise in putting a toe outside of my comfort zone.  Taking a break from the dating world at the moment.

My family? We are spreading out all over the country but our love is not. That however, does not make me enjoy my mouth watering Marie Calandar’s turkey pot pie any more.

For whatever reason, this Turkey day seems to be jumping up and down reminding me that I am all alone here. For whatever reason it makes me even more determined to not let the Turkey (depression) get me down.

Continue reading… »

For the last few months, I have been in and out of a funk. Last week, oh so refreshingly, I was all bark and all bite. A big shout out goes to my employees who don’t deserve to be on the receiving end of my mercurial moods but curiously continue to show up day after day!

I was angry, frustrated and really, really annoyed. Scratch that. I was furious, frustrated and really, really annoyed.

Eventually, as the days wore on, that familiar feeling of being thoroughly overwhelmed washed over me. If you were within 50 miles, you would have heard the “whoosh”ing noise my mood made as it plummeted.  I stood by  helplessly as I went from really angry to really depressed.

Depression gets around. It holds hands with “What’s the point?” and it’s in bed with “It’s hopeless.”

Continue reading… »

In February of 2010, I wrote, out loud, about my bipolar.

After the article was posted in World of Psychology, I thought of changing my name and entering a convent but there’s that silly little rule about a vow of celibacy.

I googled, frantically  trying to identify a disorder for someone who feels the pull to lie ; claiming to be afflicted with a mental health disorder in order to get their writing published! Surely there must be a DSM code for that, right? Mental health hypochandria?

Even better, I would feign innocence. I’ve never met a person who accidentally sent an e-mail or photo to an unintended recipient that didn’tsay “I’ve been hacked!!”  OK, sounds good.

“What? That’s not my picture on Psych Central! I’ve been hacked!… It’s the wrong Leslie Hull.” 

Ultimately, writing that article taught me many things and by it being published, it hopefully taught many others.

Slowly but surely, I began the complicated process of pulling back the layers.  One by one, I allowed people into  my world. I received everything from demonstrations of unconditional love to that look on someone’s face when they are wondering if they are being Punked while quickly scanning the room for hidden cameras or Ashton Kutcher.

It was hard at first to be open. I still  carefully choose who I will reveal myself to…who I know won’t judge me and are emotionally plugged in enough to be knowledgeable about my disorder.

Countless times I’ve witnessed people poke fun of others,  referring to them as Bipolar or Manic Depressive and though I act as though  it doesn’t bother me, it often  hurts me but more often angers me.

I have fantasies of ending the conversation with the revelation of my disease  and showing them what Bipolar looks like while they show me their embarrassment.

Because of people talking about mental health  issues, many more are finally knowledgeable about disease. And though I criticise the media for their often broad, overuse of the term, I am delighted that it’s out there!

I am overwhelmed with gratitude that I was properly diagnosed that cold, grey day for it saved my life.

And so I began the journey of tiptoeing out from the shadows and in doing so I claimed my Light, Laughter and my Life.

photo credit: Christian Johnstone

I would like to think I’m normal. I’d like to think I’m plain vanilla, Midwest nice – boring! Yes, boring might be fun (yawn), but the reality is that with the exception of ”nice,” I’m probably none of those things, at least not on any consistent basis.

I am a woman who has an ongoing love/hate relationship with ADD and a fondness/dislike with her bipoliarity. Gee, what else do I feel like tossing in there….

If you look over the edge along which I skate you’ll see things I could easily fall into the grasps of…depression…hypo-mania…addiction…reckless behavior…a virtual playground of danger.

There are days when to skate inland into safer territory seems uphill and on a quite slippery slope.

Then there are other days that peeping over the edge just seems like it’s never going to be enough.

Continue reading… »

I’ve never been big on doing things the “normal” way. If I did, I wouldn’t live my life skating blissfully along the edge.

Like some curious bystander, I’ve witnessed the engagements – wedding showers - bachelorette parties -  weddings (I gave up counting bridesmaid dresses) - baby showers – births – second children – third and so on and so forth.

Guess what?

MY TURN!

But why on earth would I take my turns  in an orderly fashion? You know me better than that! So, to those who follow the bouncing ball of my dating escapades, fear not! You’ll be happy to know that those will most certainly continue.

Continue reading… »

When you are told that a loved one has cancer, you can almost hear the tires as your life comes to a screeching halt. Time stands still, everything moves in slow motion. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand what you’re telling me. I don’t understand.” And that about sums up my reaction.

I think, in many ways, my life since my loved one’s diagnosis, if I am not careful, could head to a place that isn’t all that good.

I live my life, skating along the edge. What most people take for granted, I often have to work very hard for and sometimes even struggle for.

In the recent past, I have partied too much, slept too much, stayed up too much and stayed out late too much and have done something, anything and everything to avoid having to feel.

Continue reading… »

Yahoo defines Serendipity as  The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident. I define it as receiving gifts, not sought after.

It catches me off guard – sometimes it shows up right in front of me practically screaming to be noticed. But  if I quiet myself – stop the chatter – I discover that it whispers to me, all of the time.

On the way to a party this weekend, I got lost (gotta love that GPS as she exclaims “Recalculating!” 73 times)...

While I was listening to the Garmin tell me what an idiot I was, I was doing my usual scan of the radio channels.  During the scan of stations, in the 15 or so seconds it stays on the channel before moving along to the next, I heard the following lyric in a song:

I hold his hand in the back of my mind.

Hastily, I yanked a napkin from the glove box and on my steering wheel, scribbled the words down. I did it because it defines, with absolute perfection, my feelings at the moment.

Continue reading… »