Allow The Erotic Tension to Grow

Allow The Erotic Tension to Grow

There Are 3 Stages in Romantic Relationships




Most couples get the order wrong. Lots of couples just dive headlong into relating—working out their issues and differences. Others skip even that step and start right out in bed—mating.

You might ask, “Does it matter?” And, yes, based on our research it does. Successful couples are much more likely to date for a period of several weeks before they start relating and then mating.

  • Dating is casual, fun, no investment and the early scratch and sniff test.
  • Relating is getting to know one another and learning if you can negotiate your differences in a way that works for both of you.
  • Mating (getting physical) happens AFTER you move through the first two stages.

But Most Couples Mess This Up and Too Quickly Go From Dating to Mating.

Mating too soon in the process causes several problems.

  1. We quickly become overly invested in a person we don’t even know.
  2. Men lose respect for women who jump in the sack too fast—even if they ask them to.
  3. Women lose respect for men who jump in the sack too fast—even if they ask them to.
  4. We don’t allow the erotic tension to build—and we should—as a way to develop our maturity.

Overly Invested

After we’ve become physically involved with someone, most of us tend to feel more invested in the relationship. We want the other person to be the “right” one so we start overlooking things about them. And we try to put forward our own best foot. This results in us hiding aspects of ourselves that might turn him or her off.

And this is the wrong approach during the dating stage. We WANT to have a low investment during the dating stage so that we can easily walk away. That’s the point of dating. It’s a numbers game. The idea is not to try hard to make the wrong person into the right person. The idea is to find the right person.

Loss of Respect

Do you really want the person who quickly jumps into the sack with you—and probably with others—to become your partner? For most people there is a conflict. We may want the person to whom we’re very attracted to go to bed with us, but we don’t want our life partner to be sexually “casual” or “easy.”

Erotic Tension

And, finally, there is value in allowing the erotic/sexual tension to build during the dating stage and even during part of the relating stage. This ability to postpone gratification is a sign of maturity. And maturity is the single most important quality we’ve identified in couples who have successful romantic relationships.

So, we strongly invite you to consider the importance of going through the stages in the right order. If you want to learn more about our ideas on Dating ∞ Relating ∞ Mating, view our introductory video.




View Comments / Leave a Comment

This post currently has 7 comments.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.

    Last reviewed: 1 Apr 2014

APA Reference
Anonymous. (2014). Dating Comes Before Mating. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 1, 2015, from



Subscribe to this Blog:

Or Get a Single, Daily Email (enter email address):

via FeedBurner

Recent Comments
  • Jake & Hannah Eagle: Thanks for your thoughtful comment, OldBlackDog. The model that we share with people is...
  • Atypical: I can not wrap my head around that exercise!. its probably just me…….sometimes ‘...
  • oldblackdog: It is very difficult when you are blindsided by a violation in trust – whether it’s the...
  • shadow: At work, my fellow employees and I often hear “You don’t know your job”! from frustrated...
  • shadow: There’s a lot of truth in this article. This happens to me a lot at work, esp. comes from customers who...
Find a Therapist
Enter ZIP or postal code

Users Online: 12240
Join Us Now!