Whereas most people are warned that the blessed event of a new baby may challenge the romance in their marriage – not enough warning is given to parents of teens. Lulled by the relative calm of the school age years, they find themselves suddenly embroiled in the challenging journey of adolescence which extends anywhere from age 12 to 18 years.

Notwithstanding the love parents have for their kids and for each other, most parents will agree that the teen years can stress even the strongest of marriages. Why?

A close look suggests that the very developmental tasks that teens need to negotiate under the broad heading of “ Identity vs. Role Confusion” call into question the stability, predictability, authority, intelligence, sleep and even sexual patterns of parents.

A Saturday night spent nervously waiting up for your teen, while blaming each other for being too lax or too rigid rarely sets the mood for romance!

That said, it is important to consider that raising a teen does not have to equate to ruining a marriage. In fact, it is the last thing you want and the very last thing they need!

 Three Guiding Principles:

There are three Guiding Principles that may help you and your teen on this journey: Balance, Communication and Connection.

What makes them effective is that they not only help adolescents deal with the developmental tasks that transition them to adulthood; they are the same principles that help partners strengthen their own relationships.

Balance

Teens Struggle with Balance

Basic to the challenges and chaos of adolescence—most teens have trouble with balancing everything from emotions, to friends, to school assignments.

• Issues are presented in life or death terms.
• People are loved or hated within a short span of time.
• Actions are rarely considered in terms of consequences
• Independence is professed while dependency demanded.
• The world revolves around their lives.
• Ever changing versions of how they look, what they believe, what they eat, and what they need leave little room for negotiation.

Parents Can Strike a Balance

• Given history, gender, and personality, it is not unusual for parents to become seduced by their teens or polarized into extreme positions.

Why can’t I …

Last week the media reported the sad and unanticipated deaths of two men. Derek Boogaard of the Rangers died from an accidental overdose of the drug oxycodone mixed with alcohol and retired lieutenant, John A. Garcia, a 23-year veteran of FDNY who not only responded to 9/11 but responded and lost two of his men in the Deutsche Bank Fire. died by suicide.

One can’t help but wonder if the tragic deaths reflect the danger of hidden depression in men.  Increasingly we have become aware that although women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression, many men, beyond the 10-17% diagnosed, may also be suffering with depression.

Depression May Be More Deadly for Men

What makes depression in men so dangerous? It too often goes unrecognized and untreated because it is masked by physical complaints, substance abuse, anger and other stealth symptoms.

For as many people as there are who dream of being with the right person, there are as many who dread breaking up with the wrong person.

Recently, there was a good deal of press about a study by social psychologists Ethan Kross and Marc Berman reporting that social rejection from an unwanted break-up was registered in the same regions of the brain activated when people experience painful sensations in their body. Clearly having someone break-up with you is not only emotionally but physically painful.

Is it equally painful to be the person who sets in motion the break-up?

While we may not yet have the MRI scans, most have personally experienced or witnessed through family and friends that breaking up is, in fact, “hard to do.” What I have found to be a commonly voiced deterrent for both men and women is the fear of being the bad one.

What Does this Reflect?

Whether the fear of “ being the bad one” is self-reflection or the expected judgment by the other partner, the fear of breaking up  is complex and is underscored by human drive, attachment needs, sense of self, dependency issues, historical and cultural expectations.

In the previous blog “Worry may be Hazardous to You and Your Relationship,” we recognized that excessive worry is costly. It takes time and energy but brings little rewards. It often leaves the worrier feeling helpless, anxious, physically depleted and more worried. Interpersonally, it compromises relationships, leaving partners feeling swept into the worry, avoidant or angry.

Worry need not be a life sentence or a relationship deal breaker. Drawing upon experts like Edna Foa and Reid Wilson who address coping with worries and obsessions, let’s consider some strategies for dealing with excessive worry — what I call “CPR” for worries.