Once again a nation, Japan and its people, face devastation, loss and terrifying uncertainty in the aftermath of disaster.

Enabled by ever-expanding technology, people across miles, cultures, religions, races and economies witness the unfolding of unspeakable events. While disaster of this proportion calls forth a universal sense of horror and concern, there are differences in the way we all react.

What Accounts For These Differences?

While Traumatologists indicate that the characteristics of an event – be it man-made or natural disaster, time-limited or prolonged, life threatening or catastrophic- mediate the impact of a traumatic event on people, they hold that the most crucial factor in determining a person’s response  is the meaning of the event for that person.

One night in one of the many groups I have run, a member came in very distraught. Sitting down, she began crying and said “I hesitated sharing this, but I am so upset I have to speak about it – my twelve year old beautiful golden Lab, Star, named for our midnight walks, died this past weekend.”

Instantly the group responded with condolences, gentle questions, and concern. Then, one man tearfully said, “I need you to know something I have never told anyone. The day that my dog Caesar died, I rode around for hours with him on the back seat of my car. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him; I didn’t know where to go or what to do.” From there the group began to share and bear witness to the loss of pets from as far back as early childhood- beloved companions, never forgotten.

There are 38.2 million cats and 45.6 million dogs as well as many other companion animals in the U.S. Statistics estimate that 62% of U.S. households own a pet which equates to 71.4 million homes. This reality equates to a great deal of joy as well as considerable pain and grief when a pet dies.

Silence can mean many things. It can mean yes, no, agreement or disagreement. It can imply contentment or dissatisfaction, safety or fear. It can be accompanied by the smile of approval or the scorn of judgment. What do the sounds of silence mean between you and your partner?

As much as people are similar and men and women relate in some gender predictable ways—usually, it is a woman who says, “We need to talk”—couples are unique in the fabric of their relationship. How they speak, love, fight, eat, and watch TV is really specific to them and relationship they share. The meaning and experience of silence in their relationship is reflective of who they are as individuals and how they relate as a “We”:

• “We can go for hours without talking and be perfectly content.”
• “He never talks.”
• “She has no thought that goes unspoken!”
• “When things are bad we stop talking.”

Misinterpretation of Silence

One area that often impedes the growing, healing and resiliency of a couple is the misinterpretation of the silence between them. Whether they are new partners or seasoned lovers, couples have an uncanny notion that they “know” what the other is thinking and feeling, and react accordingly. Unfortunately, this often precludes expanded knowing of their partner because they fail to account for Non-Couples issues, history, induced reactions, and context.

Non-Couples Issues: While there are many “pros” to thinking as a “We,” one of the downsides is to believe that all your partner’s reactions including his or her silence is about you. The difficulty is that once you make that assumption, you are setting yourself and your partner up for stress and confusion. For example: Your partner comes home from work, says hi, and then silently goes through the mail. Worried you ask, “Is everything OK?”

“Fine.” Still worried you ask, “Why are you not talking?”

Now he/she sounds irritated “I don’t feel like talking.”

You move from worry to anger: “I wait for you to come home, and you don’t feel like talking?”

Partner walks into another room.

Remedy: Undoing this type of vicious cycle takes a mutual effort of trust. Try the following:

• Drop the Assumptions: Once you ask your partner …
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The scene of the accident, the image the IED exploding in Iraq, the feeling of being surrounded by rising water, the wave of dizziness on hearing the diagnosis….Traumatic memories in the form of intrusive images, nightmares and flashbacks are part of the re-experiencing of trauma. Most people have some re-experiencing soon after a traumatic event. For some, intrusive memories abate over time. Others experience such memories months and even years later. For some the flashbacks are so extreme that for moments an awareness of the present is lost as the horror of the past is re-experienced. Traumatic memories are the mind and body’s imprint of an event that is so stressful and threatening to physical and psychological well being that there is no place to put it.

How Are Traumatic Memories Different From Ordinary Memories

Ordinary memory for something that has happened to us is narrative and explicit. It is remembered and told as a coherent story with a beginning, middle and end. If someone asked you about your last vacation, you would recall it and tell it as part of the ongoing story of your life.

Traumatic memories are different. Encoded under flight/flight conditions in those centers of the brain dealing with sensations and emotion, traumatic memories are highly charged intrusive visual images, feelings, and sensations triggered by reminders of the traumatic event. These memories are choppy, disorganized and non-sequential with little change over time.

For example:

After the accident that injured him and his wife, Barry would often flash on the image of the dog that had run onto that road causing him to swerve.

For one firefighter, just crossing the bridge into Manhattan brought with it the choking taste of dust from the desperate digging at ground zero after 9/11.

How Can We Handle Traumatic Memories?
Ultimately, a person who has experienced trauma needs to be able to tell the story of the trauma without reliving it. To do this, the person needs to repeat the fragmented story of trauma in a safe place with a safe person so that he/she can integrate the traumatic memories i.e. fill in the missing pieces, gather the images, identify the sensations and …

You wake at 5 a.m., unable to fall back to sleep. You notice that your partner has no patience for anything, including you. You  find yourself dreading phone calls even from your closest friends. And you wonder:  How can these reactions be normal?

Combat stress, a cancer diagnosis, a car accident or a sudden job loss are events that can jolt us physically, neurochemically and emotionally.  It is common for people to respond to such distressing events with three clusters of symptoms : Intrusion or re-experiencing; hyperarousal; and constriction, numbing and avoidance.

These symptoms often appear within the first days after a trauma. They usually are very intense at first but eventually subside. Sometimes, however, these reactions are delayed.  Couples  who pull together in the crisis, manage  the deployment,  or work side by side after the storm are baffled when things become tense and symptoms erupt four months after Iraq, when the hospital stay is over, when life is supposed to go on.

You may recognize some of these reactions in yourself or your partner. You may be worried about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a persistent pattern of these symptoms lasting more than a month  for which you may seek professional help. Even in such cases, understanding these symptoms as normal responses to an  abnormal situation will help you manage their impact on your relationship. Let’s consider them.

Re-experiencing symptoms are  like being caught in the indelible imprint of the traumatic moment. It is as if the hospital scene, the oncoming truck, or the explosion are playing over and over again,  in the form of  a nightmare, a flashback,  a frightening thought or a traumatic memory. Although bewildering and disturbing, such repeated intrusions are actually the mind and body’s way of assimilating or fitting  an incomprehensible experience  into your  existing life schema.

Recognizing re-experiencing as a common response may change your reaction.  When you realize that your wife is watching  reruns in bed to avoid closing her eyes and seeing the accident scene,  you may be less likely  to feel rejected, get mad or blame her for sleep problems. Perhaps you will watch some of the reruns together, remind her that you are next to her,  validate the memory as common after the car accident. You might even ask if she wants to talk about the traumatic memory. According to traumatologist Judith Herman,  “the action of telling the story in the safety of a protected relationship can actually produce a …

We are all aware in the media as well as  through personal contacts of relationships that seem to have failed in the aftermath of tragic loss, combat stress, natural disaster or trauma of some kind.  It makes us wonder -Can a couple survive trauma? Can they hold on to their bond in the face of  unimaginable pain and loss? The answer is “Yes” . While a couple’s relationship will often suffer the greatest blow in the aftermath of trauma – it can often be the greatest source of support, resilience and recovery. This is the theme of the blog ” Healing Together for Couples.”

Traumatic events are unexpected and unimagineable. They are those moments in life that no one sees coming.  They are frightening  and often overwhelming.They can make us question ourselves, other people, even God. ” How did this happen?” Traumatic events affect relationships because they rob partners of their sense of safety and trust. They alter what was familiar.   Whether the trauma has happened to one or both partners, the relationship often becomes shaken.When a partner is hurt, grieving, having nightnares, too angry to speak or too sad to hope both partners struggle and suffer. For a time they seem unable to find the ” we” they once were.

After working with couples for years, we found that when couples understand the nature of trauma and its impact on them, when they are able to make meaning of what they are experiencing,learn new strategies, remember their resiliencies, they are bettter able to cope and heal as individuals and as a couple.

Recovery after trauma is a process. It is the journey that you never expected to take.  Empowering yourself by understanding what has happened is the crucial first step in this journey. For now start by remembering – you have traveled together before. Yes you may fight along the way, you may get lost, you may even wonder if you should keep going – but if there are rest stops, food for body and mind,  a little music, some unexpected laughter, you will  find the strength and strategies to stay connected  -  you will find the road for healing together.