So in your relationship is it a matter of “opposites attract” or “birds of a feather”? The question of whether similar or dissimilar personality traits are a source of romantic attraction and marital satisfaction has been debated for years. There are those who propose a complementarity hypothesis claiming that partners may be more satisfied with those who differ with them on certain personality traits because these partners complement them or offer what they don’t have: she is a thinker; he is a doer.

Reflecting this sentiment, Tim Lahaye  in his book Opposites Attract maintains that people with similar temperaments never marry because like temperaments repel — they don’t attract. Similarly, Harville Hendrix, author of Getting the Love You Want, proposes that “There’s a polarity in the universe physically that is also reflected in relationships, especially when it comes to personality traits. So a high-energy person will be attracted to a low-energy person … Incompatibility makes for a dynamic, powerful, growing, exciting relationship.”

Disagreeing with this, authors Scott Lililenfeld, Steven Lynn, John Ruscio, and Barry Beyerstein describe “Opposites Attract: We Are Romantically Attracted to People Who Differ From Us” as one of the 50 Great Myths of Popular Psychology in their 2010 book by that title. These authors contend that most studies demonstrate that people with similar personality traits are more likely to be attracted to each other. This similarity-attraction hypothesis seems to hold up across characteristics as physical attractiveness, attachment style, political and religious attitudes, socio-economic background, and level of education, according to Pieternal Dijkstra in his 2008 article “Do People Know what they Want: A Similar or Complementary Partner?”

So do opposites or similarities cause attraction and satisfaction? Maybe both.

On Tuesday, I blogged about different types of guilt and the impact that guilt can have on relationships. Today, we’re going to look at apologies and why they can be reparative:

Apology — The Expression of Guilt

In the interaction between partners there is a difference between feeling guilt and expressing guilt. In those cases where guilt is both a product of self-judgment (You really feel guilty) and judgment by your partner (he/she is clearly hurt by your actions or inactions), the expression of guilt is reparative.

Silence can mean many things. It can mean yes, no, agreement or disagreement. It can imply contentment or dissatisfaction, safety or fear. It can be accompanied by the smile of approval or the scorn of judgment. What do the sounds of silence mean between you and your partner?

As much as people are similar and men and women relate in some gender predictable ways—usually, it is a woman who says, “We need to talk”—couples are unique in the fabric of their relationship. How they speak, love, fight, eat, and watch TV is really specific to them and relationship they share. The meaning and experience of silence in their relationship is reflective of who they are as individuals and how they relate as a “We”:

• “We can go for hours without talking and be perfectly content.”
• “He never talks.”
• “She has no thought that goes unspoken!”
• “When things are bad we stop talking.”

Misinterpretation of Silence

One area that often impedes the growing, healing and resiliency of a couple is the misinterpretation of the silence between them. Whether they are new partners or seasoned lovers, couples have an uncanny notion that they “know” what the other is thinking and feeling, and react accordingly. Unfortunately, this often precludes expanded knowing of their partner because they fail to account for Non-Couples issues, history, induced reactions, and context.

Non-Couples Issues: While there are many “pros” to thinking as a “We,” one of the downsides is to believe that all your partner’s reactions including his or her silence is about you. The difficulty is that once you make that assumption, you are setting yourself and your partner up for stress and confusion. For example: Your partner comes home from work, says hi, and then silently goes through the mail. Worried you ask, “Is everything OK?”

“Fine.” Still worried you ask, “Why are you not talking?”

Now he/she sounds irritated “I don’t feel like talking.”

You move from worry to anger: “I wait for you to come home, and you don’t feel like talking?”

Partner walks into another room.

Remedy: Undoing this type of vicious cycle takes a mutual effort of trust. Try the following:

• Drop the Assumptions: Once you ask your partner …
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One of the unique things about Thanksgiving as a holiday is that on that day most people across the country, from all ethnic, cultural, religious and socioeconomic backgrounds do the same thing — they gather with others to give thanks and eat some version of turkey and  the required ritual side dishes. What can be quite different, however, are the feelings of the people gathered.

Holidays are mile markers. The same predictable food and rituals that provide family cohesion and social stability become the counterpoint of  how life has unfolded in planned and unplanned ways over the course of the year or years. Yes, there is always something we can give thanks for but when there has been hardship, traumatic loss, frightening diagnosis, unexpected separations – Thanksgiving can be difficult. Is there a way to face it? Maybe.

You Are Not Alone

Sometimes people who have suffered trauma feel like that are looking through a glass at a world that is preparing to enjoy a holiday they can neither feel nor be a part of. They feel a dreadful sense of estrangement from normal life. It is not uncommon. Regardless of what you see in the media or read on the greeting cards, lots of folks are carrying emotional pain on Thanksgiving. You are not alone – you are human.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” John Lennon

If the trauma has just occurred, one or both of you may be reeling from the event, disorganized, grieving, distracted – the last thing you have the time or energy for is the holiday. Maybe that’s OK. Maybe life is not defined by one day.

Anniversary Events

Sometimes a traumatic event has taken place near or around Thanksgiving. As a result, that day and the holiday season may become triggers for painful memories, feelings and physical stress. Such feelings may recur for many years although not with the same intensity or impact. It is very helpful for partners to validate such feelings in each other even if they may not be crying the same tears or having the same memory. Bearing witness to a partner’s feeling rarely makes …

We have discussed in earlier blogs the impact of trauma on relationships, reconsidering the anger in your relationship, communication for anger management, the impact of trauma on sexual intimacy and attempts to reclaim it.

Where Does Forgiveness Fit In?

With Couples, forgiveness implies the recognition that one has been hurt by the other, and the willingness to release the negative thoughts and feelings toward the other partner. Forgiveness is not about denial, condoning abusive behavior or remaining in a dangerous situation – it is about finding a way to go on. It is about dealing constructively with anger in a way that leaves room for a couple to keep trusting, moving and hoping.

Self-Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself is crucial to your own emotional well being and that of your partner. Forgiving yourself is central to forgiving others. One of the most difficult reactions that people have in the aftermath of natural and manmade disasters, war and even serious illness is shame and self-blame. Blame is associated with guilt for action or failure to act. “Why did I take the car out in the snow?” “Who lives in a place that has hurricanes?” “Who turns their back on a baby for even a moment?”

Shame is a perception of self as unworthy, damaged, unacceptable in the eyes of self or others. “How can I be an acceptable spouse if I have been raped?” “How can I be a tender lover if I spent a year as a warrior?” “What smart cop gets himself shot?” Often it is a partner’s inability to forgive self, that leaves no empathy for themself or for anyone else.

Self Forgiveness on the other hand involves an acceptance of humanness and lack of control in the face of the uncontrollable. It accepts that most people do the best they can in the unexpected moments in life. It recognizes that forgiveness of self facilitates recovery because it takes back energy from the “Could have” and “Should Have” to moving on.

Are There Some Things You Just Can’t Forgive?

Behavior that does not change and remains purposely hurtful or dangerous is behavior that no one should tolerate. Seeking help, going on …

It takes more than just showing up to reclaim or renew a good sexual relationship. Would you just show up on the dance floor to dance the tango together? Apart from the fact that you may have no interest in the tango – probably not. To really dance, you need a plan. When two people make a plan and share a goal to connect – it usually happens. Yes, at first your timing will be off, the pace may seem wrong and you will step on each others feet, but if you want to dance together you will hang in until it becomes smooth – until you know and trust each others’ moves as only partners can.

In our book, Healing Together, A Couple’s Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-traumtic Stress, the title of the chapter on reclaiming sexual intimacy is “Dancing in the Dark” because we wanted to invite couples to reclaim, renew and even reinvent their intimacy as partners. The chronic stresses of daily life as well as the assault of unexpected trauma and loss can create enough stress and distrust to make partners feel like strangers. The touch, the trust, and intimate knowing that couples can share is an invaluable emotional and physical source of transforming, healing, and renewing.

How Do You Find A Way Back?

Too often couples feel that so much has happened, so much has been said or unsaid, so much time has passed that they give up on reclaiming intimacy. Some partners get stuck in the face of sudden changes and want to wait until it is the “way it was.” Many believe they have to “feel” the urge to even consider a plan.

It Is Only Too Late To Start If You Don’t Start. Often I ask people to consider that any intimate reconnection even just holding hands changes their feeling state and the state of the person they touch. It is the nonverbal validation of a connection. If they physically connect they will feel differently about who they are and the bond they share.

Embrace What Is New. In life and certainly in the aftermath of trauma, it is impossible …

On Oct 15, 2009, the front page story in the New York Times by Rod Nordland described Operation Proper Exit, a program which invited American servicemen wounded in the Iraq War back to Iraq to visit those very places where they suffered severe injury and loss as a way to help achieve psychological closure.

When we consider healing and recovery from trauma, revisiting ( literally,in this case) fosters the remembering and mourning necessary for integration of traumatic memories and unspeakable loss. Welcomed back by American Officers and the Iraqi Army Brigade Commander, these servicemen, one blinded and five amputees, had the benefit of others ‘bearing witness” to their sacrifice. The opportunity to feel respected for their service, to see changes in Iraq, to hear that the last unit replaced at that base had suffered no casualties gave meaning to their loss and trauma. The report of reduced fears and guilt “left behind” in Iraq as a result of such revisiting underscores the importance of this unique program.

For couples this program highlights the importance and value of partners understanding the importance “bearing witness” as a way to afford healing. In the case of the military partner, firefighter, police, the ill spouse, the other partner who has not faced the trauma often feels dismissed, minimized or not necessary to this process.

It is valuable to consider that when people have shared an unspeakable experience of horror and loss, there is what Lindy (1986) calls a trauma membrane that unites them. For military, firefighters, police, the band of brothers that gives them cohesion and courage is an essential component to their resiliency as well as their healing. It is seen in the “welcomed return” of the servicemen in Operation Proper Exit, the fact that after 9/11 firefighters stayed searching “the pile” at ground zero for months and the reason cops will drive across state lines to pay homage to a fallen officer.

Understanding your partner’s need to connect with others who can provide a certain type of support is a crucial aspect of healing together. It does not have to detract from the unique …

You wake at 5 a.m., unable to fall back to sleep. You notice that your partner has no patience for anything, including you. You  find yourself dreading phone calls even from your closest friends. And you wonder:  How can these reactions be normal?

Combat stress, a cancer diagnosis, a car accident or a sudden job loss are events that can jolt us physically, neurochemically and emotionally.  It is common for people to respond to such distressing events with three clusters of symptoms : Intrusion or re-experiencing; hyperarousal; and constriction, numbing and avoidance.

These symptoms often appear within the first days after a trauma. They usually are very intense at first but eventually subside. Sometimes, however, these reactions are delayed.  Couples  who pull together in the crisis, manage  the deployment,  or work side by side after the storm are baffled when things become tense and symptoms erupt four months after Iraq, when the hospital stay is over, when life is supposed to go on.

You may recognize some of these reactions in yourself or your partner. You may be worried about post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), a persistent pattern of these symptoms lasting more than a month  for which you may seek professional help. Even in such cases, understanding these symptoms as normal responses to an  abnormal situation will help you manage their impact on your relationship. Let’s consider them.

Re-experiencing symptoms are  like being caught in the indelible imprint of the traumatic moment. It is as if the hospital scene, the oncoming truck, or the explosion are playing over and over again,  in the form of  a nightmare, a flashback,  a frightening thought or a traumatic memory. Although bewildering and disturbing, such repeated intrusions are actually the mind and body’s way of assimilating or fitting  an incomprehensible experience  into your  existing life schema.

Recognizing re-experiencing as a common response may change your reaction.  When you realize that your wife is watching  reruns in bed to avoid closing her eyes and seeing the accident scene,  you may be less likely  to feel rejected, get mad or blame her for sleep problems. Perhaps you will watch some of the reruns together, remind her that you are next to her,  validate the memory as common after the car accident. You might even ask if she wants to talk about the traumatic memory. According to traumatologist Judith Herman,  “the action of telling the story in the safety of a protected relationship can actually produce a …

We are all aware in the media as well as  through personal contacts of relationships that seem to have failed in the aftermath of tragic loss, combat stress, natural disaster or trauma of some kind.  It makes us wonder -Can a couple survive trauma? Can they hold on to their bond in the face of  unimaginable pain and loss? The answer is “Yes” . While a couple’s relationship will often suffer the greatest blow in the aftermath of trauma – it can often be the greatest source of support, resilience and recovery. This is the theme of the blog ” Healing Together for Couples.”

Traumatic events are unexpected and unimagineable. They are those moments in life that no one sees coming.  They are frightening  and often overwhelming.They can make us question ourselves, other people, even God. ” How did this happen?” Traumatic events affect relationships because they rob partners of their sense of safety and trust. They alter what was familiar.   Whether the trauma has happened to one or both partners, the relationship often becomes shaken.When a partner is hurt, grieving, having nightnares, too angry to speak or too sad to hope both partners struggle and suffer. For a time they seem unable to find the ” we” they once were.

After working with couples for years, we found that when couples understand the nature of trauma and its impact on them, when they are able to make meaning of what they are experiencing,learn new strategies, remember their resiliencies, they are bettter able to cope and heal as individuals and as a couple.

Recovery after trauma is a process. It is the journey that you never expected to take.  Empowering yourself by understanding what has happened is the crucial first step in this journey. For now start by remembering – you have traveled together before. Yes you may fight along the way, you may get lost, you may even wonder if you should keep going – but if there are rest stops, food for body and mind,  a little music, some unexpected laughter, you will  find the strength and strategies to stay connected  -  you will find the road for healing together.