On May 8th, 2012, award-winning author and illustrator of the children’s book, Where The Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak, died. He was 83. In a postscript written about him in The New Yorker this week, Mariana Cook revisited some of what he had offered in a 2009 interview. In that interview, Sendak shared his feeling that it is hard to be happy and that some people find it easier than others. He ended with the question,

“Do you believe it when people say they are happy?”

In one of the final interviews Maurice Sendak allowed with Terri Gross on NPR in late 2011, he said something different, “I have nothing now but praise for my life. I’m not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people.”

In his words, this very creative man underscores the challenge, complexity and possibility of happiness.

Resonating with this, I recently wrote a blog for the final newsletter of “This Emotional Life” entitled “The Pursuit of Happiness: Your Inalienable Right.”  In it I draw upon research that suggests happiness is a “many factored thing.” Often considered a sense of well-being, I add that, as such, happiness is neither a static place, nor one that is incompatible with tears or challenge.

If you and your partner find yourselves battling over throwing out the garbage or doing the laundry, you are not alone and neither may actually be to blame. A closer look may offer some understanding and some alternatives.

• According to a 2007 Pew Research Center Survey of American adults, 62% ranked  “sharing household chores” as third in importance in a successful marriage  with 92% ranking “faithfulness” as number one and 70% ranking “happy sexual relationship” as number two. There were no differences of opinion between men and women; or between older adults and younger adults; or between married people and singles.
• Back in 1990 fewer than half (47%) of adults said sharing household chores was very important to a successful marriage. The fact that 60% of women work outside the home and  men are participating in the household and childcare at three times the rate they did in the 60’s, the ranking suggests that concrete help with the day to day chores is both needed and appreciated.

The Division of Labor

What may seem, however, like an easy division of labor, “you shop” and “I’ll cook” is actually not so easy. In fact the notion that a perfectly balanced list could or should exist is a myth. People just don’t function that way.

Numerous studies have identified exercise as a key factor in reducing depression symptoms. A recent study heightens the argument by finding that as compared to age, race, gender, body mass index cholesterol, blood pressure and diabetes, it was the sedentary lifestyle of a depressed person that alone accounted for about 25% of the risk of heart-related deaths. The message is that we need to move because our lives depend on it!

The problem is that when you are depressed often the last thing you want to do is exercise.

Given the despair, lethargy, self-doubt, exhaustion, disinterest in activities and shame experienced with depression, the suggestion to exercise feels like adding insult to injury. “I’m not exercising because I’m depressed.”

Knowing exercise could help, but feeling unable to do so often adds to the self-recriminations and low self-esteem of depression.  In one case, the more the young woman watched other family members exercise – the less possible it felt.

Depression’s Landscape.

Given the recent discussion of the pros and cons of medications and treatments for depression, it seems clear that people need to have information and treatment options. It also seems important to stack the deck toward feeling better with anything that might work for you. If you have wanted to exercise but find it impossible – here are some suggestions.

Katie and Rob, a couple in a second marriage for both, never planned to have a pet. They cautiously agreed to take Penny, a little terrier, when a relative became sick. Of course, they fell in love with her. When I asked them how Penny had impacted their relationship, their answer surprised me.

“Penny is our peacemaker. Before Penny we would stonewall each other and not speak for days after an argument.  It is funny what happens now – after an argument one of us will start talking about Penny to the other to break the ice. We never planned it – we just do it and it works.

The concept of the “Third” comes from relational psychology, specifically the work of psychologist, Lewis Aron who drew upon Jessica Benjamin’s work and applied the concept to couples. Aron offered the conceptualization of the see-saw. He considered that often two partners are stuck at opposite ends, moving up and down in terms of their own perspective, needs or opinions, but actually going nowhere and locked into a pattern that can’t bring them together.

In terms of couple’s therapy, Aron identified the therapist as the “third” to open the space. A closer look at partners and their pets invites us to consider that in an unexpected and uncanny way – pets also serve in that role.

Who let the dogs in? Many people from members of Congress to advertising executives have welcomed dogs into the workplace and for good reason.

Historically we know of the value of dogs in firehouses, on police canine teams, on farms, ranches, and certainly as companion dogs to those with physical disabilities.

Recently the diversity of workplaces that benefit from pets have expanded and while cats, and some birds have an important place next to the many professionals and business owners working from home, dogs seem to have found their way into the office.

Most pets are home to stay.  Rarely do you hear of pets being replaced. Rather, once a person has a dog, cat or bird that they love, they tend to get another… and another. Why?

Is this about pets or people? Is there an emotional reason that an individual or a couple starts with one pet and ends up with many more?

When I have raised these questions with pet owners and pet professionals, the reasons given are as complex as the people and pets involved.  Overall, however, they reflect the reciprocal mix of needs, emotions and love inherent in the unique exchange that people and pets share.

It Starts With the Pets

Many people start adding an additional pet as a companion to the first. As one owner said “It broke our hearts to leave Callie alone all day so we got a second dog to keep her company.”

While many will own that they may be projecting their human fear of loneliness  – the reality is that most pets do enjoy the company of other pets and owners are delighted to see dogs play together, cats scheme together, everyone fight over food and then curl up and sleep together!

One owner who lived with dogs his whole life described that he always had two dogs. He always had a puppy with an older dog both to enliven the older dog (which it inevitably did) as well as to reduce his own dread of loss.

Excited at 24 to have arrived in New York to begin her new job, Rose’s welcome was a brutal one. Taking an early morning jog in a nearby park within her first week, she was pushed from behind, slammed against the ground, groped and likely would have been raped had a car not pulled into the empty parking lot, and on approaching begun beeping, scaring off her attacker.

As Rose would later describe to me, she could never have stayed in New York had it not been for Murphy, her 3 year old Jack Russell and precious companion. The police, new neighbors and concerned family all stepped up to support her, but it was cuddling with Murphy that would calm her physical shaking and lower her startle response to every sound.  Intuitively staying by her side no matter what she did, Murphy was the “familiar network of support” that fosters physical and emotional safety in the acute stage of trauma.

Together they would sleep with the lights on those first nights.  Going out together in the following weeks, Rose and Murphy would walk past her fears and reclaim her new neighborhood.

One night in one of the many groups I have run, a member came in very distraught. Sitting down, she began crying and said “I hesitated sharing this, but I am so upset I have to speak about it – my twelve year old beautiful golden Lab, Star, named for our midnight walks, died this past weekend.”

Instantly the group responded with condolences, gentle questions, and concern. Then, one man tearfully said, “I need you to know something I have never told anyone. The day that my dog Caesar died, I rode around for hours with him on the back seat of my car. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing him; I didn’t know where to go or what to do.” From there the group began to share and bear witness to the loss of pets from as far back as early childhood- beloved companions, never forgotten.

There are 38.2 million cats and 45.6 million dogs as well as many other companion animals in the U.S. Statistics estimate that 62% of U.S. households own a pet which equates to 71.4 million homes. This reality equates to a great deal of joy as well as considerable pain and grief when a pet dies.