If you have ever been on the way to visit your son at college when you get a call that your parent has fallen—You know about the Sandwich Generation.

If you and your wife have just arranged for your Mom to move in when your daughter asks if she, her husband and their dog can return home for just a month—You know about the Sandwich Generation.

According to the Pew Research Center, just over 1 of every 8 Americans aged 40 to 60 is both raising a child and caring for a parent. Dubbed the “ sandwich generation” this ever-increasing group of baby boomers is caring for the needs of family members on both sides.

• Most will tell you they would never give up the opportunity to care for their loved ones.
• Most will also agree–This is no easy task!

While dealing with the demands of time, finances, medical appointments, school schedules, transportation, food choices and insurances forms is no small feat, it is often dealing with the emotions inherent in this dual caring that presents the greatest challenges.

Understanding some of these emotional challenges offers some Sandwich Generation Survival Techniques.

The Emotional Challenges

Legacy Dynamics

• For most people their closest genetic connections, their major source of identity, their earliest experience of attachment and their greatest fear of loss involve their parents and their children.
• As such, with either group, the wish to please and the fear of judgment is very high.
• When the care of both groups is needed at the same time, the stakes are higher and the stress on the caregiver, much greater.
• Given the historical pull and unconscious stirrings, many in the sandwich generations have a far more difficult time saying “No” to an aging parent or adult child than to a spouse with whom they have a clearer adult relationship.

Being in The Middle of the Sandwich

Adding to the strain, the sandwich generation is “ in the middle” in literal and emotional ways. Often they actually are subject to judgment from both sides. It is no coincidence that these folks are often very similar – They do say traits …

If you are human, in a relationship and living on this planet there will be decisions to make and problems to solve. They may be intrinsic to your circumstances, imposed upon you by outside factors, or a function of your personal needs and goals.

For most couples issues related to jobs, residence, children, socializing, religion, sex, money, in-laws and more demand decisions but often invite dissent.

If you want a clear example of the type of behavior to avoid when problem solving as a couple you have only to take a look at the presidential hopefuls.

Recognizing that they are, of course, contenders and putting aside the specifics of their platforms or the campaign engines that drive their rhetoric, they nonetheless offer a glimpse of the type of the exclusionary thinking and reactivity that erodes collaboration, jeopardizes problem solving and risks relationship success.

Dynamics to Avoid:

Consider avoiding the following as you and your partner build the platform for your life together.

• Coming from an “all knowing position.” “ You know nothing about cars and have no experience buying them, I will choose.”
• Blaming the partner for things outside of their control. “ Why would I want to go on another family vacation when the kids always get sick?”
• Assuming the worst about your partner. “ I really want to socialize with the people from work but I know you will be uncomfortable.”
• Looking only at what the partner has done wrong with respect to an issue. “ When it comes to money, you are the last person who should have anything to say. You used to have a bad credit rating.”
• Negativity about the other in public. “ He has no idea of the kids’ schedules or what they need on a day to day basis.”
• Coming into the problem solving with a solution. “ So I have it all figured out – we will buy a two family house with my parents.”
• Refusing to see problem solving or decision making as a building process. “That won’t work, forget it.”
• Seeing each other as one-dimensional. “ You are a city person. Why would you …
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