They say a picture is worth a thousand words – the words of warriors are different. For centuries, warriors have written in a way that has pulled us into the heart and horror of war. As illuminated by Jonathan Shay, Homer’s epic poems, The Iliad and The Odyssey depict the brutality of men and war and the difficulty of homecoming in a way that has had timeless relevance for generations who have served. Ernest Hemingway experienced war firsthand and wrotes dispatches from his many frontlines and Vietnam veteran and author, Tim O’Brien invites us to shoulder, Things They Carried in Vietnam.

Building upon this tradition, The National Endowment of the Arts has made a unique contribution to American Literary History and to those who have served our country. In a project called Operation Homecoming: Iraq, Afghanistan, and the Home Front, in the Words of U.S. Troops and Their Families, they reached out to the 2 million active military and their loved ones and invited them to write about their personal experiences of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan while the events were happening.

The response was overwhelming. The National Endowment of the arts offered fifty writing workshops by esteemed literary figures on 25 bases in 5 countries, an aircraft carrier and a fleet ship in the Gulf. Six thousand troops participated – another 25,000 were sent the audios.

The news of Bin Laden’s death has erupted on national and international levels in a mix of feelings. Attached to the thrill of justice served and military courage recognized are shadows of fear and the pain of catastrophic loss.

For survivors and the thousands who lost so many loved ones on 9/11 this is not only long awaited news, it is a déjà vu of that September day.

Once again there are ongoing calls of condolence and remembrances, non-stop media reports, and the visceral pain of losing a Dad, a child, a partner, a firefighter, a friend, a community, and the illusion of safety.

What Does this Mean for Emotional Healing?

It Invites Revisiting:

Highly charged events like Bin Laden’s Death are quite likely to trigger traumatic memories that unlike ordinary explicit memory for daily events are encoded under fight/flight conditions in those centers of the brain dealing with sensations and emotion. They can be sequestered for years – untold, intrusive as nightmares and flashbacks, haunting but never integrated into the story of one’s life.  While this event might trigger pain, it may offer an opportunity to bear witness, to share and transform traumatic memories.

To err is human. To blame seems to be human also.

We blame nature, we blame God, we blame our enemies, our spouses and ourselves. We even blame politicians for never taking the blame!

Why?

The definition of blame is to hold responsible, to find fault with, to censure, for something that has happened, has failed to happen or which has had a negative impact in some way.

We need to blame for regulations of feelings, reparation of harm and restoration of order on personal, interpersonal and broadly social levels.

The Uses of Blame

In the best of circumstances blame for wrong doing once acknowledged results in apology, concessions to meet the demands of restorative justice or punishment to meet the demands of retributive justice.

Once again a nation, Japan and its people, face devastation, loss and terrifying uncertainty in the aftermath of disaster.

Enabled by ever-expanding technology, people across miles, cultures, religions, races and economies witness the unfolding of unspeakable events. While disaster of this proportion calls forth a universal sense of horror and concern, there are differences in the way we all react.

What Accounts For These Differences?

While Traumatologists indicate that the characteristics of an event – be it man-made or natural disaster, time-limited or prolonged, life threatening or catastrophic- mediate the impact of a traumatic event on people, they hold that the most crucial factor in determining a person’s response  is the meaning of the event for that person.

• “I love you but I don’t love that large Disney Sweatshirt.”
• “When did marriage mean you would stop shaving on the weekends?”
• “Everything you tried on looks great– why can’t you wear any of them?”
• “I think they said casual not throw-away.”

For most people, there was something about the physical characteristics of the person they fell in love with that tripped their chemistry into response. Should that stop mattering when the wedding is over, the kids are in school or the retirement is planned? Not Really.

This is a culture that pushes looks, youth, beauty and the icons that possess theme.  For those seeking a partner, there is a considerable amount of interest in what catches the attention of men when meeting women and what women find attractive in a man.

One of the unique things about Thanksgiving as a holiday is that on that day most people across the country, from all ethnic, cultural, religious and socioeconomic backgrounds do the same thing — they gather with others to give thanks and eat some version of turkey and  the required ritual side dishes. What can be quite different, however, are the feelings of the people gathered.

Holidays are mile markers. The same predictable food and rituals that provide family cohesion and social stability become the counterpoint of  how life has unfolded in planned and unplanned ways over the course of the year or years. Yes, there is always something we can give thanks for but when there has been hardship, traumatic loss, frightening diagnosis, unexpected separations – Thanksgiving can be difficult. Is there a way to face it? Maybe.

You Are Not Alone

Sometimes people who have suffered trauma feel like that are looking through a glass at a world that is preparing to enjoy a holiday they can neither feel nor be a part of. They feel a dreadful sense of estrangement from normal life. It is not uncommon. Regardless of what you see in the media or read on the greeting cards, lots of folks are carrying emotional pain on Thanksgiving. You are not alone – you are human.

“Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” John Lennon

If the trauma has just occurred, one or both of you may be reeling from the event, disorganized, grieving, distracted – the last thing you have the time or energy for is the holiday. Maybe that’s OK. Maybe life is not defined by one day.

Anniversary Events

Sometimes a traumatic event has taken place near or around Thanksgiving. As a result, that day and the holiday season may become triggers for painful memories, feelings and physical stress. Such feelings may recur for many years although not with the same intensity or impact. It is very helpful for partners to validate such feelings in each other even if they may not be crying the same tears or having the same memory. Bearing witness to a partner’s feeling rarely makes …

We have discussed in earlier blogs the impact of trauma on relationships, reconsidering the anger in your relationship, communication for anger management, the impact of trauma on sexual intimacy and attempts to reclaim it.

Where Does Forgiveness Fit In?

With Couples, forgiveness implies the recognition that one has been hurt by the other, and the willingness to release the negative thoughts and feelings toward the other partner. Forgiveness is not about denial, condoning abusive behavior or remaining in a dangerous situation – it is about finding a way to go on. It is about dealing constructively with anger in a way that leaves room for a couple to keep trusting, moving and hoping.

Self-Forgiveness

Forgiving yourself is crucial to your own emotional well being and that of your partner. Forgiving yourself is central to forgiving others. One of the most difficult reactions that people have in the aftermath of natural and manmade disasters, war and even serious illness is shame and self-blame. Blame is associated with guilt for action or failure to act. “Why did I take the car out in the snow?” “Who lives in a place that has hurricanes?” “Who turns their back on a baby for even a moment?”

Shame is a perception of self as unworthy, damaged, unacceptable in the eyes of self or others. “How can I be an acceptable spouse if I have been raped?” “How can I be a tender lover if I spent a year as a warrior?” “What smart cop gets himself shot?” Often it is a partner’s inability to forgive self, that leaves no empathy for themself or for anyone else.

Self Forgiveness on the other hand involves an acceptance of humanness and lack of control in the face of the uncontrollable. It accepts that most people do the best they can in the unexpected moments in life. It recognizes that forgiveness of self facilitates recovery because it takes back energy from the “Could have” and “Should Have” to moving on.

Are There Some Things You Just Can’t Forgive?

Behavior that does not change and remains purposely hurtful or dangerous is behavior that no one should tolerate. Seeking help, going on …

It takes more than just showing up to reclaim or renew a good sexual relationship. Would you just show up on the dance floor to dance the tango together? Apart from the fact that you may have no interest in the tango – probably not. To really dance, you need a plan. When two people make a plan and share a goal to connect – it usually happens. Yes, at first your timing will be off, the pace may seem wrong and you will step on each others feet, but if you want to dance together you will hang in until it becomes smooth – until you know and trust each others’ moves as only partners can.

In our book, Healing Together, A Couple’s Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-traumtic Stress, the title of the chapter on reclaiming sexual intimacy is “Dancing in the Dark” because we wanted to invite couples to reclaim, renew and even reinvent their intimacy as partners. The chronic stresses of daily life as well as the assault of unexpected trauma and loss can create enough stress and distrust to make partners feel like strangers. The touch, the trust, and intimate knowing that couples can share is an invaluable emotional and physical source of transforming, healing, and renewing.

How Do You Find A Way Back?

Too often couples feel that so much has happened, so much has been said or unsaid, so much time has passed that they give up on reclaiming intimacy. Some partners get stuck in the face of sudden changes and want to wait until it is the “way it was.” Many believe they have to “feel” the urge to even consider a plan.

It Is Only Too Late To Start If You Don’t Start. Often I ask people to consider that any intimate reconnection even just holding hands changes their feeling state and the state of the person they touch. It is the nonverbal validation of a connection. If they physically connect they will feel differently about who they are and the bond they share.

Embrace What Is New. In life and certainly in the aftermath of trauma, it is impossible …

On Oct 15, 2009, the front page story in the New York Times by Rod Nordland described Operation Proper Exit, a program which invited American servicemen wounded in the Iraq War back to Iraq to visit those very places where they suffered severe injury and loss as a way to help achieve psychological closure.

When we consider healing and recovery from trauma, revisiting ( literally,in this case) fosters the remembering and mourning necessary for integration of traumatic memories and unspeakable loss. Welcomed back by American Officers and the Iraqi Army Brigade Commander, these servicemen, one blinded and five amputees, had the benefit of others ‘bearing witness” to their sacrifice. The opportunity to feel respected for their service, to see changes in Iraq, to hear that the last unit replaced at that base had suffered no casualties gave meaning to their loss and trauma. The report of reduced fears and guilt “left behind” in Iraq as a result of such revisiting underscores the importance of this unique program.

For couples this program highlights the importance and value of partners understanding the importance “bearing witness” as a way to afford healing. In the case of the military partner, firefighter, police, the ill spouse, the other partner who has not faced the trauma often feels dismissed, minimized or not necessary to this process.

It is valuable to consider that when people have shared an unspeakable experience of horror and loss, there is what Lindy (1986) calls a trauma membrane that unites them. For military, firefighters, police, the band of brothers that gives them cohesion and courage is an essential component to their resiliency as well as their healing. It is seen in the “welcomed return” of the servicemen in Operation Proper Exit, the fact that after 9/11 firefighters stayed searching “the pile” at ground zero for months and the reason cops will drive across state lines to pay homage to a fallen officer.

Understanding your partner’s need to connect with others who can provide a certain type of support is a crucial aspect of healing together. It does not have to detract from the unique …