Our society is guilty of Ageism, the negative stereotype of aging adults based on the presumption of inevitable decline in intellect, memory, physical capacity, mobility, and sex drive. Depicted in media, greeting cards and jokes, it has been ingrained in the culture and reflected in the expectations of both young and old alike.

Well beyond the jokes and sitcoms, however, the downside is reflected in forced retirement, job discrimination and sub-standard care of the elderly, to mention only a few examples. On a personal basis it is reflected in a one-dimensional view of self that settles for stagnancy and decline and overlooks potential.

It is difficult to change a cultural perspective – but not impossible. There are increasing challenges to ageism worth embracing.

Medical advances – As expert on aging, Gene Cohen suggests, modern medicine now allows us to view negative body changes as modifiable age-associated problems – not destiny.  With the help of medications, cardiac interventions, orthopedic joint replacement etc., people proceed with their lives with a capacity they could not have known years ago.

• An 80 year old flew to Florida to be at a traditional super-bowl party – he was wearing a heart monitor.
• A group of 64 year plus fraternity buddies are together on their yearly ski trip -with plenty of medication and a number of replaced body parts. 

Research- Pew Surveys not only find older adults reporting more happiness in their lives than in their middle years, but researchers like Craig Bickhardt, find that neurophysiologically there is an increased potential for positive change and enhanced creativity in the second half of life.

According to a telephone survey of a nationally representative sample of 16,507 adults, nearly one in five women has been a victim of rape or attempted rape and one in 71 men reports having been raped or the target of attempted rape.

As alarming as these statistics may be, they greatly under-represent the numbers who have suffered. Men and boys tend not to report being raped and women rarely report rape by a partner or acquaintance. Sadly, ¾ of all rapes are committed by a known person who is never held accountable.

The Silence About Rape is Dangerously Loud!

The silence about rape reflects the nature of the crime and both the victim and society’s reaction and interaction in response to it.

The Impact of Rape on the Victim

Rape is a violent crime. It brutally assaults the victim’s core self and the physical, psychological, neurological, and cognitive systems that integrate functioning.

In the immediate aftermath, rape is often experienced as an annihilation of the ownership of self — a loss of the self’s ability to act, to make meaning or register what is happening, to remember. Feelings are overwhelming or numbed. Narrative is destroyed. There are no words for what is too horrific to comprehend.

Rape survivor, Nancy Raine in her book, After Silence: Rape and My Journey Back, describes:

The question of whether to end a relationship, be it a 20 year marriage or a 5 year commitment, is a painful and complicated one. It is a question that often implies loss, fear of judgment, sense of failure, self-blame as well as glimmers of hope and change.  At times we avoid this question, we ask others to answer it, we act on it impulsively, we never stop asking it or we recognize we have no choice – we have to ask it of ourselves.

Here are some issues and underlying questions that you may find helpful as you consider this life decision.

The Importance of Knowing Why You Want to Leave

If you are thinking of leaving a relationship, it is important that you know why. Understanding your past and present informs the decisions you make for your future. No matter what the circumstances of the relationship you are ending, understanding it offers something valuable for you to know about you.

• How did the relationship go from awesome to awful?
• Why couldn’t you change him/ her – why did you think you could? 
• What made the good times so good? What made the bad times so bad?
• What part did you play in the loss of hope in this relationship?

 The Importance of Your Partner’s Knowing Why

Except in those cases where interaction and discussion could be dangerous, it is important for your partner to know why you are thinking of ending this relationship. The very thought of this may make you want to scream, “How could she/he not know?”  The reality is that a painful familiar relationship is often preferable to change or the fear of being alone. Denial can be a powerful and long standing survival strategy. It makes communication crucial.

Knowing how much I love the warm weather and the beach, a friend recently asked if I wished I could I re-locate to one of those Caribbean Islands. Without blinking, the first words that came out of my mouth were, “No, not enough stress.”  WHAT?

Well, what I was thinking about was the adrenaline rush that makes life interesting – you know, the race to make the express train, the challenge of the new case, the arrival of last minute guests, the negotiations of pets and people over the holidays…

I wasn’t factoring in the anxious ruminations that keep us up at night, the pressured multitasking that results in lost car keys and misplaced cell phones, or the distracted thinking that equates to missed bill payments, migraines, and fender benders…. stress that spills ‘over the top.’

The death of a loved one, be it our parent, child, spouse, sibling or friend ruptures the internal and external connection we have with that person. It is a connection that helps define our sense of self, mirrors who we are, impacts our feelings and influences our view of life.

From a relational perspective, death of a loved one is a crisis of self and a crisis of meaning.

•  A 13-year-old boy asks how he will ever play baseball on the team if his dad, killed on 9/11, is not watching.
• Author, Joan Didion observes in Blue Nights, that there is no season to lose a child, to stop hearing her sing. Recalling her 32 year old daughter’s unexpected the death from pneumonia, she shares her guilt for her failure to protect.  “This was never supposed to happen to her.”
• Robert Stolorow, psychologist, describes himself as broken and deadened after the sudden death of his young wife. On seeing others with their partners he feels “strange and alien—not of this world.”
• A young man comes home on hearing of the suicide of his sister. He can’t fathom her pain; he can’t look at his parents’ pain; he can’t feel.
• A woman who spent years caring for an elderly mother feels panic and loss after her mother’s death – “What Now?”

What is Grieving?

Grieving is our reaction to the loss of a loved one. Beginning with the acute pang of loss, grief is often accompanied by numbing disbelief or unspeakable rage. Often there is a sense of emptiness, disorganization, the loss of the loved one and self.

Whatever else 79 million baby boomers are doing, one in eight are caring for an aging parent. Some are checking in on an elderly parent who is living alone, some are caring for a parent in their own home, some are visiting parents in assisted living or nursing facilities, and others are doing long distance caring.

Whether well planned or unfolding as emergency, this a challenging task. It is one that necessitates changes, parent/child communication, family support, community services, shared information, financial resources, legal expertise, and medical care.

Underscoring this task and coloring most of these factors is the emotional reality that caring for an aging parent is a psychological journey. Metaphorically, it is one that demands a “return home” in a different role to become the “holding environment” – the psychologically attuned parent– whether that is something you have had or still yearn for.

Although the journey seems daunting and is certainly strewn with obstacles, it can also be an opportunity for mutual and positive connection.

No one just shows up for a good relationship and relationships don’t just get better because time passes. It is what we do during that time that helps heal and enhance our relationships. Over the last few years I have written many blogs for couples. Here are six simple resolutions drawn from them that many have found enhance the bond they share with their partner.

Let It Go

If you are human and you are in a relationship, it is inevitable that at times you will be angry with your partner. Once you and your partner have come to some resolve or have agreed to a working resolution, let the contention and disagreement go.

You may think it is important to explain to your partner one more reason you were angry or to analyze his/her character flaw. It’s not. Your partner will not be grateful for this information. Let it Go!

Once you and your partner move on to a positive mood or enjoyable place, go with it, feel it- let it take. Positive memories and experiences build recovery momentum. They facilitate problem resolution because they broaden perspective, re-kindle appreciation of each other and build trust.

Despite the fact that more than 86% of Americans believe exercising for fitness improves a person’s odds of a long and healthy life by “a lot,” only 28% report they actually get as much physical exercise as they should. Some people can’t start; some start and stop; and some can’t stop.

Adding to the exercise benefits for improving physical health, the most recent publication of the Monitor of the American Psychological Association underscores the mounting evidence of exercise benefits on mental health. So clear is the impact of exercise on the body-mind connection that it raises the question of how psychologists might use it as part of their treatment arsenal or at the very least motivate their patients to exercise.

As closer look at some of the findings may provide the tipping point for starting, stopping and moderating exercise in a way that benefits physical and mental health.

We catch our breath as we hear that Virginia Tech has once again faced a shooting and the violent deaths of two people on campus.  In this case seven minutes after police reported the shooting, students were informed and alerted by email, text, twitter and campus broadcast to stay where they were in locked down locations, to remain off campus or to be escorted to safety areas. As the students reported, they waited in fear for four hours uncertain of what would unfold. When told it was safe, they hesitated leaving.

As is the nature of trauma, those who faced this present trauma live in the shadow of the tragic past and those in the past may be re-awakened to the horror and loss they have been carrying. To a large degree many emotionally and physically once again bear witness to a terrifying and unimaginable event.

While a person’s reaction to trauma is a function of the personal meaning of the event to them, their physical and emotional proximity to the traumatic event as well as their personal history, we have come to know that as an initial help, Psychological First Aid (PFA) can mediate the impact of trauma and make possible steps toward healing.

Dealing with trauma across the timeline from acute impact to long term recovery, I have found personally and professionally that there are aspects of Psychological First Aid that are vital in helping and healing at any time.

Here are some suggestions worth knowing and owning in the aftermath of trauma and re-traumatization.

Few people have a long range goal of dating in midlife. To the many who find themselves faced with the possibility, midlife dating can seem like a mystifying, even overwhelming, journey to find a partner.

The reality is that despite the horror stories of friends or the fictional depictions of perfect couples repelling down snowy peaks, the experience of midlife dating really depends upon your goal.

When you expand the goal of midlife dating from finding someone to finding and re-defining yourself, the experience changes. Instead of a solution to being alone – midlife dating becomes an evolution of self.

Why Midlife Dating?

Usually something has or has not occurred in the lives or personal relationships of people ages 40- 65 that makes midlife dating a consideration. Some have left a troubled or contentious marriage; some feel they have been the one left; some have never looked up from a career; some have weathered the illness and death of a partner; and some have decided they are finally ready  to settle down.” Most don’t want to be alone.