couple Articles

Trying to Change Your Partner? Pitfalls and Possibilities

Thursday, March 5th, 2015

If you ask people what they think would improve their relationship, their immediate answer is often a clear formulation of what changes their partner could or should make.

Most people really don’t want a new relationship—They want the relationship with their partner–WITH CHANGES!cartoon couple


Will You Be Making Up or Breaking Up After Valentine’s Day?

Saturday, February 14th, 2015

It goes without saying that opportunities to celebrate the people we love are good things. In some ways Valentine’s Day is one of those opportunities.

At the same time Valentine’s Day might also be considered a point of reflection for relationships.blueheart


Reducing Post-Romantic Stress in Two Ways

Wednesday, December 31st, 2014

Regardless of whether they are young or old, if you ask partners about their Honeymoon, you hear and see a spark of that romantic excitement that makes time together magical when you have found that special someone to love. The mutuality of sexual desire and wish to please make the Honeymoon resistant to lost airline tickets, family pressures and even hurricane conditions.

 What is Post-Romantic Stress Disorder?

Post-Romantic Stress Disorder is a term coined by John Bradshaw in his new book, Post-Romantic Stress Disorder: What To Do when the Honeymoon is Over. According to Bradshaw, Post-Romantic Stress Disorder is the despair, rejection, or hidden resentment experienced when one or both of the partners feel that they are no longer loved and desired the way they once were.

heart in sand


In a Relationship-Love Means Being Able to Say “NO”

Wednesday, August 6th, 2014

Can you say NO to your partner?

Can you tolerate hearing NO?

In a relationship, the freedom to say NO may be one of the most important dynamics your share. If there is no space for NO, there really is no space for an authentic relationship. Partners believe in the “ I do” because it is a choice of Yes over NO.couple on the bench


Look Who’s Laughing: Similarities and Differences in Men and Women

Saturday, June 7th, 2014

Laughing is a wonderful human trait that we all share. It is something we do from earliest childhood and something that benefits us in many ways.

  • Physically, laughter relaxes skeletal and cardiovascular muscles. The rapid breathing associated with laughter increases oxygen level and improves respiratory function.
  • Psychologically, laughter has been associated with reduction of stress and anxiety as well as improvement in mood, self-esteem and coping skills.
  • Cognitively, neuroscientist, Scott Weems tells us that humor is like exercise for the brain. It necessitates insight and flexibility because it involves following the thread of the story and then enjoying the surprise, the pun or the unexpected. It is delightful when you realize from a child’s giggle that they “ get the joke” and heartwarming when the elderly are still “getting it” and laughing.
  • Socially we know that laughter invites connection and is contagious. If you enter a room where everyone is laughing, before long there is a good chance you will be laughing even without knowing why. Some feel that the purpose of laughter is to strengthen human bonds.

Whereas men and women both enjoy humor and benefit from laughing, there are some interesting gender differences.


Survive the First Four Years of Marriage: Use Anger Management

Thursday, March 13th, 2014

We know that only half of all first marriages make it. What we often don’t recognize is that the first four years seem to be important ones in shaping, making or breaking a marital relationship.

Research has long pointed to communication as core to a couple’s satisfaction and regulation of conflict. A study by Ronald Rogge and Tom Bradbury, uncovers another tipping point of early marriage survival.OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

  • The research sample included 60 couples married less than 6 months, with average age in the mid-twenties, average incomes between 20,000-30,000 and of mixed ethnicity (White 75%, Latino 10%, Asian 7%, and African American 5%).
  • What the researchers found in following up every six months for four years was that communication did make a difference in marital satisfaction and dissatisfaction, but dissatisfied couples remained together.
  • The true tipping point to divorce in the first four years of the marriages for this sample was aggression.

An Unrecognized Reason That Married Men Have Affairs

Friday, September 27th, 2013

man on benchEvolutionary theory, gender differences, stereotype, media myth and cultural expectations invite us to recognize that men have more sexual desire than women both in frequency and intensity, are wired to have many partners, have more difficulty with monogamy and that as such, married men are more likely to have affairs than married women. The reality is that while married men have more affairs than married women –The difference is not that great.

  • In the largest most comprehensive poll of its kind in 1994, Edward Laumann and colleagues found that 20% of women and just over 31% of men in their 40’s and 50’s reported having sex with someone other than their spouses.
  • Young and Alexander in their 2012 book, The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex and the Science of Attraction accept a rough estimate of 30 to 40 percent infidelity in marriage for men and women.

The other reality is that while extra-marital affairs by definition involve a romantic and emotional relationship that has a sexual or sexualized component, research suggests that sexual drive is not the primary reason married men have affairs.


Enhance Intimacy: Lessons From Long Distance Relationships

Monday, August 5th, 2013

girlon phoneThey say that “ love knows no distance” and “ absence makes the heart grow fonder.”

If you have ever been in a long-term relationship or you are one of the 14 million people (3.7 married) who define yourself in a long distance relationship due to education, dual-careers, military, etc., you might well feel this to be true.

A recent study by L. Crystal Jiang and Jeffrey Hancock reported in the Journal of Communication offers supporting scientific evidence.

This study adds to an increasing body of research that has found that the relationship stability, satisfaction and trust reported by long distance (LD) couples appears to be equal or better than those reported by geographically close (GC) couples.


“Hooking-Up”:Good Practice for a Bad Marriage

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013

hooking upThe media, social scientists and a majority of young people report that “ Hooking Up” has replaced traditional dating relationships on college campuses.

What is “Hooking-Up”?

Hooking up is defined as a sexual encounter including everything from oral sex to sexual intercourse, between two people who are strangers or brief acquaintances without commitment or expectations and usually lasting no more than one night.

According to a 2013 article, published in the Monitor of the American Psychological Association, between 60-80% of college students in North American report having had a hook-up experience.  Research from different authors interviewing college men and women corroborate these numbers; but suggest that the misconception that “ everyone else” is doing it, media coverage, alcohol and fear of being left out of the social scene may actually fuel the trend.

Why Hook-Up?

The reasons for hooking-up and the benefits and risks involved, are a function of who is reporting and whether the disclosures by men and women about hooking-up are public or private.

A recent article by Kate Taylor in the New York Times, “ Sex on Campus: She Can Play That Game, Too” reports on hooking-up” by woman at the University Of Pennsylvania. Both the title and the tenor of the article suggest that women are choosing “ hooking up” as a functional choice to find sexual gratification without the hassle or time commitment of being in a relationship. Implied is the message that now women have taken back control of the sexual arena. They, like men, are free to choose uncommitted sex because their goal is a great resume—not a great relationship. The expectation is that when their career is all set, they will meet the right man.

The other side of hooking up is described by Laura Sessions Stepp in her book, Unhooked, Donna Freitas in her book, The End of Sex, and even by Kate Taylor in the end of her New York Times article. It is the personal and private disclosure by women and men of compliance, regret, discomfort, guilt, and opting out by many after hooking-up.


Raising Teens Without Ruining Your Marriage: Three Principles

Monday, June 3rd, 2013

teen boyWhereas most people are warned that the blessed event of a new baby may challenge the romance in their marriage – not enough warning is given to parents of teens. Lulled by the relative calm of the school age years, they find themselves suddenly embroiled in the challenging journey of adolescence which extends anywhere from age 12 to 18 years.

Notwithstanding the love parents have for their kids and for each other, most parents will agree that the teen years can stress even the strongest of marriages. Why?


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Suzanne Phillips, Psy.D., ABPP & Dianne Kane, DSW are the authors of Healing Together: A Couple's Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-Traumatic Stress. Pick up the book today!

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