If you were asked whether you think men or women are the first to say, “ I love you” in romantic relationships, what would you say?

Most people – both men and women – believe it is women.  Such beliefs are congruent with those who have studied gender differences. For example,

• Women are generally thought to be more interested in and willing to express love and commitment than men.
• Women are considered to have an easier time than men expressing vulnerable emotions such as love.
• A content analysis of emotional expression in Valentine’s Day cards, for example, found that women were more likely than men to express love and fidelity.
• A questionnaire study of 55 men and women walking across a college campus which asked, among other questions, “Who normally says they are in love FIRST in romantic relationships?” found that both men and women believe that women are more likely to be the first to confess love in relationships.

REALTY suggests something different. MIT researchers Joshua Ackerman, Griskevicius & Li (authors of the questionnaire study above) found across a series of studies that what men and women believe and what they actually do is quite different.

If you are looking for the perfect partner or trying to be one – think twice. Perfection is painfully unrealistic for individuals and emotionally costly for couples.

While there is no doubt that striving to be your personal best and feeling good about your efforts is healthy as well as relationship enhancing – perfectionism is something else.

Perfectionism is the belief that a state of completeness and flawlessness can and should be attained. The literature on perfectionism underscores that there is an important difference between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. It is a difference worth considering.

Whether you have just begun dating or you are celebrating a Golden Anniversary, most partners are aware that communication is a crucial component in relationship happiness and satisfaction. Most self-help books extol it, and most experts working with couples encourage and facilitate improved communication.

Dr. Marianne Legato, author of Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget contends that without effective couple communication, there is no relationship at all.

A crucial but often overlooked communication skill for partners is knowing when it is best not to say anything.

This skill is not about suppression, quiet compliance, the silent treatment, dismissal or neglect. It is a choice that reflects attunement, empathy, regulation of emotions and prioritizing the bond you share.

It is knowing those times when your comment, critique, opinion, question or news not only fails to add value – it makes matters worse!

No one just shows up for a good relationship and relationships don’t just get better because time passes. It is what we do during that time that helps heal and enhance our relationships. Over the last few years I have written many blogs for couples. Here are six simple resolutions drawn from them that many have found enhance the bond they share with their partner.

Let It Go

If you are human and you are in a relationship, it is inevitable that at times you will be angry with your partner. Once you and your partner have come to some resolve or have agreed to a working resolution, let the contention and disagreement go.

You may think it is important to explain to your partner one more reason you were angry or to analyze his/her character flaw. It’s not. Your partner will not be grateful for this information. Let it Go!

Once you and your partner move on to a positive mood or enjoyable place, go with it, feel it- let it take. Positive memories and experiences build recovery momentum. They facilitate problem resolution because they broaden perspective, re-kindle appreciation of each other and build trust.

For as many people as there are who dream of being with the right person, there are as many who dread breaking up with the wrong person.

Recently, there was a good deal of press about a study by social psychologists Ethan Kross and Marc Berman reporting that social rejection from an unwanted break-up was registered in the same regions of the brain activated when people experience painful sensations in their body. Clearly having someone break-up with you is not only emotionally but physically painful.

Is it equally painful to be the person who sets in motion the break-up?

While we may not yet have the MRI scans, most have personally experienced or witnessed through family and friends that breaking up is, in fact, “hard to do.” What I have found to be a commonly voiced deterrent for both men and women is the fear of being the bad one.

What Does this Reflect?

Whether the fear of “ being the bad one” is self-reflection or the expected judgment by the other partner, the fear of breaking up  is complex and is underscored by human drive, attachment needs, sense of self, dependency issues, historical and cultural expectations.

Most people look toward their marriage or long term relationship as a context for love, support and affirmation. Research suggests, however, that a person’s self-esteem may significantly impact this relationship potential.

How Do We Define Self-Esteem?

In psychology, self-esteem is defined as a reflection of a person’s overall self-appraisal, of their own worth.

Measurement of self-esteem and the most commonly used definition in research was offered by Morris Rosenberg and social-learning theorists who defined self-esteem in terms of a stable sense of personal worth or worthiness, measurable by self-report.  Rosenberg’s Self-Esteem Scale which is available for use, consists of 10 statements about self like the following:

“I feel I have a number of good qualities”

“I feel I do not have much to be proud of.”

These are rated from strongly agree to strongly disagree on a 4 point scale and are tallied to offer a score that ranges for 0-30 with scores below 15 suggesting low self-esteem and score 15-25 as within the normal range.

If you are human and you are in a relationship it is inevitable that at times you will be angry with your partner. I often suggest to couples that if you never hear the neighbors fighting, it probably means that they have moved or that you should call 911.

The goal in sustaining a vibrant and loving relationship is not to prevent authentic differences, feelings and disagreements but to express them in a way that does not escalate into anger that threatens the emotional or physical well-being of either partner.

Complying at all times, fear of making waves, hiding resentments, or equating every disagreement to the inevitable break-up is emotionally exhausting and anxiety producing. If it is not safe to be angry in a relationship – it is not a safe relationship.

Stephen Mitchell, author of Can Love Last, tells us that “The survival of romance depends not on skill in avoiding aggression but on the capacity to contain it alongside love.”

Do you really want a ‘Me’ Marriage? Your first inclination may be to say, “I don’t think so.”

Intuitively this makes sense as most partners have been encouraged to focus on the “We” in their marriage.  It’s even likely that at some point you have heard or have said to your partner – “You know, it’s not all about you!”

That being said, it is very interesting that Tara Parker-Pope in a recent Week in Review section of the New York Times tells us that “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage.”

How Can This Be?

Reporting on the research of psychologists Arthur Aron and Gary Lewandowski, Parker-Pope clarifies that while communication skills, mental health, social support and stress are factors that determine whether a marriage will last or not – they are not sufficient for making it enjoyable or sustaining to the individuals.

Do you really have to scale K2 together or survive a reality show to spice up your relationship?  Well…. maybe not K2.

You may agree with the feelings one man made very clear to me: “Listen, between the weather, the finances, the kids and the unexpected aggravation, we’ve had about enough excitement as we can stand. We’ll settle for boring.”

OK – but what if we were to make a distinction between what is emotionally stressful, problematic and even traumatic and what is exciting. What if we defined exciting as something that is novel, arousing, and enjoyable?

Almost every couple has a car story- be it good, bad or ugly.

Romance unfolds in cars. Given the privacy, small space, music, heat or lack of it, cars invite emotional connection and events to remember- the first chance of intimacy, the car you both loved, the road trips you cherished.

 If you are a couple, you also know that as relaxing and romantic as being in a car with your partner can be – there is the other side. Driving together can go from cherished to challenging- sometimes in the same trip!

• “Didn’t you see that guy- he almost hit us.”
• “I didn’t cause the traffic!”
• “I want to get there alive – what is the speed limit?”
• “Why get a GPS if you won’t follow it?”
• “You put our lives in danger because he cut you off?”

In fairness to anyone who can relate to the comments above, driving in this culture is stressful. When you consider the number of interacting factors that add to the situation, it is amazing that any couple takes up the challenge, much less enjoys it.

Compounding Factors

• There are the external factors like the destination, the time, the distance,the car’s performance, the reaction of other drivers,the road conditions etc.
• There are the differing emotional feelings and expectations triggered in each partner by the reason for the trip- be it a vacation, a family visit or a medical appointment.
• There are the internal factors i.e. the pre-existing physical and emotional state of each of the partners, often exacerbated by the fact that only one is in “control of the driving,” regardless of where the other is sitting or what they are saying.

Clearly, the situation is complex and given that no one can control all of these factors, an important area of focus for partners is the handling and regulating of their emotional reactions as individuals and as a couple.

Styles for Regulating Emotions

Researchers tell us that people have different styles for regulating their experience and expression of emotion. Often partners are not only reacting to the road condition or the tension about the family visit, but the way in which each regulates stress.

Some use concealing strategies. They suppress their feelings and try not to …