Archives for couple disagreements - Page 2

affair

An Asset to Couple Intimacy: The Capacity “To Be Alone”

While the definition of intimacy may vary depending on the relationship, it is generally felt to be the “ authentic” connection between two people. As such, the connection reflects a mutuality of loving feelings shared and expressed in thought, affect and behavior.

A host of factors including safety, trust, effective communication and sexual exclusivity have been identified as important for intimacy between partners.

Less discussed and perhaps surprising, is the importance of the...
Continue Reading

affair

How Different Are the Private and Public Versions of Your Relationship?

Almost everyone has felt the shock of hearing that a couple that seemed “so great together” was breaking up.

It can also be just as shocking to observe the public interaction of a couple only to wonder, “Why are these people together?”

Having worked many years with couples, I've come to understand that no one but the partners involved really know the differences in the private or public versions of their relationship.

While some differences in the...
Continue Reading

Anger

Reducing Marital Stress Helps Children Return to School

When children head back to school this year, they should not be carrying emotional baggage from home.

When we worry about how our children will handle school- what they will face and how they will cope, we often overlook the impact of marital strife on their physical, emotional and intellectual functioning.

It is difficult to feel confident, curious or open to new school friends or ideas when...
Continue Reading

affair

Re-Connect With an Ex? Crucial Considerations

Recycling is a good idea, except when it comes to relationships. Regardless of what people tell themselves about the time invested, the good times missed, the great sex, or the feeling that things will be different; in most cases the re-connection with an ex rarely brings a better outcome. Research tells us that rekindling a relationship decreases happiness. Studies of college grads as well as larger national studies of older couples reveal that those people who cycle back to relationships, often over and over again, experience less satisfaction, more uncertainty and more disillusionment in their relationships than non-cycling partners. Let’s face it – breaking up is hard to do. When it has happened there is usually a good reason on the part of one or both partners. Why then do people look backwards? Why do they imagine it will be different?
Continue Reading

affair

Renovate Your Relationship: Replace Unsafe Couple Dynamics

Regardless of how new or old your relationship, most couples can benefit from changing relationship dynamics that cause marital deterioration.

In a recent study in The Journal of Family Psychology, researchers, Lavner, Bradbury and Karney found in surveying 251 couples every six months for the first four years of their marriage, that despite the wish for marital fulfillment those whose marriages deteriorated were dealing with unsafe dynamics like...
Continue Reading

Anger

Are You Invalidating Your Partner – Without Realizing It?

Probably the hardest things to change are the things we don't realize we're doing – like invalidating our partner. Thanks to a plethora of self-help books on relationships, most partners, whether dating, committed or long married, have become aware of the value of listening for improving understanding and connection. Most recognize or are reminded by their partners when they are not listening. Validation is much more than listening or even active listening. It is a verbal affirmation of another’s right to think or feel a certain way. “I can see why you felt embarrassed when I said that in front of our friends.”Most people would feel betrayed in that situation.” Invalidation The problem with invalidation, and the reason it is so caustic to relationships, is that it is not simply the absence of validation. Invalidation is actually the disqualification of another person’s thinking or feelings. It carries the implication that you must be crazy, bad, over-sensitive or inept to feel a certain way.
Continue Reading

correcting partner

The Burden of The Perfect Partner: A Closer Look

If you are looking for the perfect partner or trying to be one – think twice. Perfection is painfully unrealistic for individuals and emotionally costly for couples. While there is no doubt that striving to be your personal best and feeling good about your efforts is healthy as well as relationship enhancing – perfectionism is something else. Perfectionism is the belief that a state of completeness and flawlessness can and should be attained. The literature on perfectionism underscores that there is an important difference between adaptive and maladaptive perfectionism. It is a difference worth considering.
Continue Reading

Anger

Improve Your Relationship: Know When It is Best Not to Say Anything!

Whether you have just begun dating or you are celebrating a Golden Anniversary, most partners are aware that communication is a crucial component in relationship happiness and satisfaction. Most self-help books extol it, and most experts working with couples encourage and facilitate improved communication. Dr. Marianne Legato, author of Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget contends that without effective couple communication, there is no relationship at all. A crucial but often overlooked communication skill for partners is knowing when it is best not to say anything. This skill is not about suppression, quiet compliance, the silent treatment, dismissal or neglect. It is a choice that reflects attunement, empathy, regulation of emotions and prioritizing the bond you share. It is knowing those times when your comment, critique, opinion, question or news not only fails to add value - it makes matters worse!
Continue Reading

affair

Should I End My Relationship? Important Considerations

The question of whether to end a relationship, be it a 20 year marriage or a 5 year commitment, is a painful and complicated one. It is a question that often implies loss, fear of judgment, sense of failure, self-blame as well as glimmers of hope and change.  At times we avoid this question, we ask others to answer it, we act on it impulsively, we never stop asking it or we recognize we have no choice – we have to ask it of ourselves. Here are some issues and underlying questions that you may find helpful as you consider this life decision. The Importance of Knowing Why You Want to Leave If you are thinking of leaving a relationship, it is important that you know why. Understanding your past and present informs the decisions you make for your future. No matter what the circumstances of the relationship you are ending, understanding it offers something valuable for you to know about you. How did the relationship go from awesome to awful? Why couldn’t you change him/ her – why did you think you could?  What made the good times so good? What made the bad times so bad? What part did you play in the loss of hope in this relationship?  The Importance of Your Partner’s Knowing Why Except in those cases where interaction and discussion could be dangerous, it is important for your partner to know why you are thinking of ending this relationship. The very thought of this may make you want to scream, “How could she/he not know?”  The reality is that a painful familiar relationship is often preferable to change or the fear of being alone. Denial can be a powerful and long standing survival strategy. It makes communication crucial.
Continue Reading

affirmation of partner

Six Simple Resolutions for Enhancing Your Relationship

No one just shows up for a good relationship and relationships don’t just get better because time passes. It is what we do during that time that helps heal and enhance our relationships. Over the last few years I have written many blogs for couples. Here are six simple resolutions drawn from them that many have found enhance the bond they share with their partner. Let It Go If you are human and you are in a relationship, it is inevitable that at times you will be angry with your partner. Once you and your partner have come to some resolve or have agreed to a working resolution, let the contention and disagreement go. You may think it is important to explain to your partner one more reason you were angry or to analyze his/her character flaw. It's not. Your partner will not be grateful for this information. Let it Go! Once you and your partner move on to a positive mood or enjoyable place, go with it, feel it- let it take. Positive memories and experiences build recovery momentum. They facilitate problem resolution because they broaden perspective, re-kindle appreciation of each other and build trust.
Continue Reading