On May 8th, 2012, award-winning author and illustrator of the children’s book, Where The Wild Things Are, Maurice Sendak, died. He was 83. In a postscript written about him in The New Yorker this week, Mariana Cook revisited some of what he had offered in a 2009 interview. In that interview, Sendak shared his feeling that it is hard to be happy and that some people find it easier than others. He ended with the question,

“Do you believe it when people say they are happy?”

In one of the final interviews Maurice Sendak allowed with Terri Gross on NPR in late 2011, he said something different, “I have nothing now but praise for my life. I’m not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people.”

In his words, this very creative man underscores the challenge, complexity and possibility of happiness.

Resonating with this, I recently wrote a blog for the final newsletter of “This Emotional Life” entitled “The Pursuit of Happiness: Your Inalienable Right.”  In it I draw upon research that suggests happiness is a “many factored thing.” Often considered a sense of well-being, I add that, as such, happiness is neither a static place, nor one that is incompatible with tears or challenge.

If you were asked whether you think men or women are the first to say, “ I love you” in romantic relationships, what would you say?

Most people – both men and women – believe it is women.  Such beliefs are congruent with those who have studied gender differences. For example,

• Women are generally thought to be more interested in and willing to express love and commitment than men.
• Women are considered to have an easier time than men expressing vulnerable emotions such as love.
• A content analysis of emotional expression in Valentine’s Day cards, for example, found that women were more likely than men to express love and fidelity.
• A questionnaire study of 55 men and women walking across a college campus which asked, among other questions, “Who normally says they are in love FIRST in romantic relationships?” found that both men and women believe that women are more likely to be the first to confess love in relationships.

REALTY suggests something different. MIT researchers Joshua Ackerman, Griskevicius & Li (authors of the questionnaire study above) found across a series of studies that what men and women believe and what they actually do is quite different.

Our society is guilty of Ageism, the negative stereotype of aging adults based on the presumption of inevitable decline in intellect, memory, physical capacity, mobility, and sex drive. Depicted in media, greeting cards and jokes, it has been ingrained in the culture and reflected in the expectations of both young and old alike.

Well beyond the jokes and sitcoms, however, the downside is reflected in forced retirement, job discrimination and sub-standard care of the elderly, to mention only a few examples. On a personal basis it is reflected in a one-dimensional view of self that settles for stagnancy and decline and overlooks potential.

It is difficult to change a cultural perspective – but not impossible. There are increasing challenges to ageism worth embracing.

Medical advances – As expert on aging, Gene Cohen suggests, modern medicine now allows us to view negative body changes as modifiable age-associated problems – not destiny.  With the help of medications, cardiac interventions, orthopedic joint replacement etc., people proceed with their lives with a capacity they could not have known years ago.

• An 80 year old flew to Florida to be at a traditional super-bowl party – he was wearing a heart monitor.
• A group of 64 year plus fraternity buddies are together on their yearly ski trip -with plenty of medication and a number of replaced body parts. 

Research- Pew Surveys not only find older adults reporting more happiness in their lives than in their middle years, but researchers like Craig Bickhardt, find that neurophysiologically there is an increased potential for positive change and enhanced creativity in the second half of life.

The question of whether to end a relationship, be it a 20 year marriage or a 5 year commitment, is a painful and complicated one. It is a question that often implies loss, fear of judgment, sense of failure, self-blame as well as glimmers of hope and change.  At times we avoid this question, we ask others to answer it, we act on it impulsively, we never stop asking it or we recognize we have no choice – we have to ask it of ourselves.

Here are some issues and underlying questions that you may find helpful as you consider this life decision.

The Importance of Knowing Why You Want to Leave

If you are thinking of leaving a relationship, it is important that you know why. Understanding your past and present informs the decisions you make for your future. No matter what the circumstances of the relationship you are ending, understanding it offers something valuable for you to know about you.

• How did the relationship go from awesome to awful?
• Why couldn’t you change him/ her – why did you think you could? 
• What made the good times so good? What made the bad times so bad?
• What part did you play in the loss of hope in this relationship?

 The Importance of Your Partner’s Knowing Why

Except in those cases where interaction and discussion could be dangerous, it is important for your partner to know why you are thinking of ending this relationship. The very thought of this may make you want to scream, “How could she/he not know?”  The reality is that a painful familiar relationship is often preferable to change or the fear of being alone. Denial can be a powerful and long standing survival strategy. It makes communication crucial.

No one just shows up for a good relationship and relationships don’t just get better because time passes. It is what we do during that time that helps heal and enhance our relationships. Over the last few years I have written many blogs for couples. Here are six simple resolutions drawn from them that many have found enhance the bond they share with their partner.

Let It Go

If you are human and you are in a relationship, it is inevitable that at times you will be angry with your partner. Once you and your partner have come to some resolve or have agreed to a working resolution, let the contention and disagreement go.

You may think it is important to explain to your partner one more reason you were angry or to analyze his/her character flaw. It’s not. Your partner will not be grateful for this information. Let it Go!

Once you and your partner move on to a positive mood or enjoyable place, go with it, feel it- let it take. Positive memories and experiences build recovery momentum. They facilitate problem resolution because they broaden perspective, re-kindle appreciation of each other and build trust.

Recently the question was raised by some of my colleagues as to whether there can be happiness in a sexless marriage. An article on the subject refers to the research of Robert Epstein, a psychologist who reports that 10 to 20% of the romantic relationships in the U.S. are sexless.

According to Epstein, a sexless relationship is defined as one in which the partners have had sex less than once a month or less than 10 times a year. Others writing in the field take the word more literally – suggesting that many couples happy with that schedule would not describe their relationship as sexless.

Maybe the question of how sexual a marriage is and whether or not the partners are happy is a far more complicated one than the rate of sexual intercourse over time.

Work with couples would suggest that happiness from sexual relating must account for the trust and special connection partners feel for one another, the way they hold, touch, laugh, tease, celebrate, walk together, worry about, lean on, cry with, nickname, argue, text and call each other — the many dimensions of sexual intimacy.

Recently, we again witnessed the dismantling of a celebrity marriage with the exposure of an affair. As always, the world watched, condemned, condoned and debated the question: Can a marriage survive an affair? 

The fact is that whether celebrity or not and regardless of what the world thinks–only the couple can decide if their marriage will survive an affair.

In my work with couples standing in the emotional debris of an affair, I have found that if both partners want to recommit to an exclusive relationship and have the courage to trust and reignite their love – they can rebuild a marriage.

Difficult Beginnings are Understandable

Rebuilding sounds good but at the beginning – it is not easy. Often, no one is sure of anything but the wish to make the pain “go away.” Emotionally, the feelings of devastation, anger, betrayal, guilt and blame, don’t just go away.

In a winter of stormy weather, a landscape of serious financial decline, an on-going war, reports of international unrest and plenty of personal challenges, you don’t have to be a cowboy to have true grit.

What is Grit?

The formal definition of Grit is of rough granules, as of sand or stone. The psychological definition of Grit is as a positive non-cognitive trait that involves perseverance of effort to accomplish a long term goal no matter what obstacles or challenges lay within a “gritty” individual’s path.

Research defining grit as perseverance and passion for long-term goals found that as a trait, Grit had better predictability for success than IQ or conscientiousness.

The person with true grit is not likely to be the student with the highest SAT Score, the team member with the greatest talent, the manager with the Ivy League background or the most popular Mom on the block.

Actually the person with true grit shares many of the qualities of Rooster Cogburn, the character of the U.S. Marshall played by Jeff Bridges in the 2010 Coen Brothers’ motion picture, True Grit. The person with true grit, be they a senior learning to use a walker, a soldier in basic training, a father searching for a new job or a woman re-locating after losing her spouse and her home, has: