LOL. You gotta love this article……….it actually made me understand more of why pets tend to be treated differently as opposed to a spouse, sibling or a family member.

I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and often fluctuate from feelings of extreme hate to extreme love for my long-term partner. However, I always seem to feel constant love for my two dogs, no matter what they get up to! I now realise the constancy they provide for my affect can help me stabilise my feelings for my partner! I will try to greet him as I greet my dogs and forgive him his trespasses as I forgive those of the dogs. I know this may seem silly to some people, but I guess pets are just easier to trust sometimes, but at least now I realise some of the ways I can apply that trust to humans! Thanks Suzanne!

Jon: Thanks for sharing – I guess we are all wondering about learning a little from the way we treat our pets and loving a lot more – Thanks again – Suzanne

Sue,

Great blog – It made me more aware that maybe I should greet my hubby with the same smile and cheery disposition that I lavish on my cat when I come home every day!!

What a perceptive essay. Why is it we find it so hard to transfer the unconditional love we give our pets and they give us to our life partners? Somewhere I read that the most successful relationships are those which include an expectation of permanence. As you point out, few pets live with the implication that things are not working out. We find it very hard to apply that certitude to our human relationships. Excellent piece.

I enjoyed this essay and have often pondered the same things…why do I treat my dogs so differently than my spouse? I often resort to the explanation that it’s because my spouse knows better than my dogs. It’s just like a baby…it’s easier to forgive them for things because they don’t know any better. But a full-grown adult, in most cases, does know better. When my dog does something that upsets me, he’s not doing it with pre-meditation, or thinking he’ll just try to slip it past me while hoping I don’t notice. And I agree that it has a lot to do with expectations…I do expect more from my spouse than my dog…afterall, my spouse is more educated and knows right from wrong…his brain functions at a much higher level. While dogs are very intelligent animals that can be well trained, they still do not have the capacity to think like a normally functioning adult. We treat them like babies b/c they are our babies…they depend on us for everything they need for survival. However, I do agree the world would be a much better place if we treated our spouses and each other the way we do our pets…just gotta get over the hump of those darn “expectations!”

I enjoyed this essay and have often pondered the same things…why do I treat my dogs so differently than my spouse? It’s because my spouse knows better than my dogs. It’s just like a baby…it’s easier to forgive them for things because they don’t know any better. But a full-grown adult, in most cases, does know better. When my dog does something that upsets me, he’s not doing it with pre-meditation, or thinking he’ll just try to slip it past me while hoping I don’t notice. And I agree that it has a lot to do with expectations…I do expect more from my spouse than my dog…afterall, my spouse is more educated and knows right from wrong…his brain functions at a much higher level. While dogs are very intelligent animals that can be well trained, they still do not have the capacity to think like a normally functioning adult. We treat them like babies b/c they are our babies…they depend on us for everything they need for survival. I do agree the world would be a much better place if we treated our spouses and each other the way we do our pets…but in reality, it’s much harder to tolerate an adult puking on the carpet b/c he drank too much than it is to tolerate a dog puking b/c it was sick and didn’t know it should head for the toilet!

Jay: Thanks for the comment and for underscoring the impact of ” those expectations.” – Suzanne

This doesn’t only apply to spouses; I’m sending this article to my daughter, who has become estranged from our family. Our arms and hearts remain open, should she ever return.

Dear Suzanne, Our relationships with pets do provide some insights for our relationships with people – but are limited. Some people abuse their pets horribly, for example. And few pets are unfaithful to the people who love them. However, if people are unfaithful to their pets, your right, the pets may give them an interested once-over of sniffing, but the unconditional love is still present. Maybe THAT’S where the lesson to be learned occurs? Nancy

There’s more to it than that. Pets make us smile a hundred times a day, even on days there doesn’t seem to be much to smile about. Simply stated, we love what makes us smile.

I’d disagree with the idea that pets spend a lot of time engaging in disagreeable behavior. The more a pet loves you, the more it focuses on doing the things that make you smile, and not doing the things that make you unhappy.

Holding grudges? If you scold a pet for doing it wrong, the pet is genuinely contrite and ceases the annoying conduct. I’m a cat person myself. Cats will allow you up to three house rules. After that, they consider you to be unreasonable and won’t go along. For example: 1. Use the litter box. 2. Don’t get on the kitchen counter. 3. Don’t pull on the rug. After that, you can have up to three more conditional rules they will go along with most of the time.

Let’s be serious, if there are more than three things you hate about cats, why did you get a cat in the first place? After that, you ought to be able to accept them the way they are. On the flip side, your cat also has three rules, one of which will usually have to do with food.

So, make your partner smile as often as possible. All that usually takes is to smile first, and make it especially warm as the first order of the day. Pick the three things that make your partner most unhappy, and don’t do them. Pick three more and avoid them as much as possible. If you can find someone who will do the same for you in return, you ought to be able to live happily ever after.

Amen to all that great insight. I do not believe that humans are superior to other creatures. I do believe that I give my dogs more benefit of the doubt than I do my wife. So sorry! Now I will do better for her and for other humans (however I may doubt their intentions!).

This article makes me feel so ashamed. We provided almost constant care to our ailing cat for nearly a year and a half (countless special meals a day, sitting on the floor trying to get him to eat one piece of chicken, thousands of dollars in vet bills, two medications a day, hours and hours lost to worry and anxiety); praised him endlessly for the smallest of victories; put a litter box in every room of our house when he became incontinent; put a footstool next to our bed so he could still sleep with us; stopped taking vacations; etc., etc. — yet I snap at my husband for missing dinner because of a work obligation! I slump into the house after a long day because I “can’t” muster the energy to be cheerful to him. I expect him to remember something I’ve said only once, and to never, ever forget anything. It’s so, so true, this notion of expectations. I expect the very highest of my husband, but basically nothing of my cats.

Faye: Thanks fo sharing such peronal sentiments – but life changes are all about the courage to self-reflect and reconsider how we want to be in the future – because that is the one thing we can work to change – special thanks, Suzanne

Just substitute “pets” with little kids. Look at a young mother cuddling, stroking, touching and doing hundred little things, caring and sharing in a one to one relationship; these spontaneous acts will teach us better ways to improve relationships; our strength and weakness. Observe these in action with alertness and complete awareness or reflectively, yes , you can profit equally from this study.

My pets are outrageously ill-behaved and I absolutely love them to death. I can not tell you how much they have enriched my life, kept me busy and helped me maintain some sort of perspective on all the craziness.

They are a joy. Don’t know what I would do without them. People? well, that’s another story….

Touché! To me, the most important points are about expectations and assumptions. I have found, particularly with my children, that my assumptions about my children’s abilities and motivations when they’ve done something wrong makes all the difference in how I respond. We are usually better off giving our friends and relatives the benefit of the doubt.

What I don’t see here that is clearly needed is a good treat system!

I have a unique situation. I have two forms of mental illness (borderline personality disorder and bipolar type II), three cats, and a veterinarian for a live-in fiancé. I do find frequently that in my periods of darkest depression and inexplicable rage, my cats are a source of comfort. Not so the human male. What is the deal? I wonder if it’s because I don’t ever worry that the cats will judge me for being emotionally “broken” or get sick of hearing about the same internal tortures time and again. He is a wonderful man and I’m most fortunate to have him. I just wish I could have the same emotional openness with him that I can with my cats. It might be a lost cause anyway, though, given my situation. I’ve long since given up trying to stop bloody nightmares or surges of inappropriate emotion. Drugs only make matters worse. /shrugs I might as well just try to appreciate what I have and continue dragging myself along for as long as I can.

This is really a delightful article and confirmed many of my own personal notions about why I pursued my husband. I knew he was a keeper when I saw the love, concern and sacrifice he made for his dogs and how happy he was to invite my little dog into the fold. Now married just over three years I frequently joke about my jealousy of the love bestowed upon our dogs but I also understand that his relationship with them as nearly risk and judgment free as one could possibly get. I admit I do strive to emulate the dogs in this respect.

My wife has expressed a missing feeling of passion and excitement in our relationship. But both of us adore our dog and are always excited to see her. Do you have any insights that may help?

Let’s not forget the other side of the coin. Sometimes pets can be divisive in a relationship. For instance, when a couple doesn’t agree on dog rearing, dog training, or house breaking it can put a strain on the relationship similar to the strain when couples don’t agree on child-rearing issues. Also, there is the issue of “blended” families. If they each had pets before the relationship began, and then found that they don’t get along. Additionally, if they have several pets and then find that as a couple, they then simply have too many!

It is ironic, as I was just reading the book The Ultimate Happiness Prescription by Deepak Chopra. He brings up the interesting research – animals do have memories. If you kick a dog, it will remember the experience and 10 years later may snarl, but it won’t plan for 10 years how to get even.

I think pets are the closest things to knowing the meaning of unconditional love. They see you for your soul, nothing else. They make no judgments about you.

There is a great org that does research on animals / health benefits – http://www.delta.org. They are one of my favorite charities. It is quite extraordinary how animals can heal even the most abused.

Thanks for the insight on how we can apply our love to animals to our love for others!

Hi Dr. Phillips,

I would like to distribute this article at an educational presentation I am giving, and was writing to ask your permission. I sent you a formal email request on 10/22 to info@couplesaftertrauma.com and have not yet heard back so thought I’d try this direct route. Please email me to let me know; I would love to be able to use the article.

Michelle Clark, Psy.D.