It takes more than just showing up to reclaim or renew a good sexual relationship. Would you just show up on the dance floor to dance the tango together? Apart from the fact that you may have no interest in the tango – probably not. To really dance, you need a plan. When two people make a plan and share a goal to connect – it usually happens. Yes, at first your timing will be off, the pace may seem wrong and you will step on each others feet, but if you want to dance together you will hang in until it becomes smooth – until you know and trust each others’ moves as only partners can.
In our book, Healing Together, A Couple’s Guide to Coping with Trauma and Post-traumtic Stress, the title of the chapter on reclaiming sexual intimacy is “Dancing in the Dark” because we wanted to invite couples to reclaim, renew and even reinvent their intimacy as partners. The chronic stresses of daily life as well as the assault of unexpected trauma and loss can create enough stress and distrust to make partners feel like strangers. The touch, the trust, the physical connection and intimate knowing that couples can share is an invaluable emotional and physical source of transforming, healing, and renewing.
Too often couples feel that so much has happened, so much has been said or unsaid, so much time has passed that they give up on reclaiming intimacy. Some partners get stuck in the face of sudden changes and want to wait until it is the “way it was.” Many believe they have to “feel” the urge to be with the other to even consider a plan.
It Is Only Too Late To Start If You Don’t Start. Often I ask people to consider that any intimate reconnection even just holding hands changes their feeling state and the state of the person they touch. It is the nonverbal validation of a connection. If they physically connect they will feel differently about who they are and the bond they share.
Embrace What Is New. In life and certainly in the aftermath of trauma, it is impossible for things to stay the same. To insist that things be the same is often to stay focused on what has been lost. It will keep you and your partner from taking the best of what you can into a new connection in the future.
Instead Of Waiting “To Feel” – Start Dancing And You Will Start Feeling. The relationship of thoughts, feelings and behaviors is complex and interrelated. Movement in one domain effects the other domains. Often we can feel so disorganized by grief or stress that we are trying to feel better before taking a step – sometimes the step is crucial to feeling better.
Pillow Talk
A real step toward intimacy is being present to each other in the moment and not letting the world in. There is something about “pillow talk” side by side relaxing, confiding and sharing between two people in the dark who are lovers or who want to be lovers that helps define them as intimates. This is not about having the perfect movie set – this could mean that he sits on the bed before she falls asleep for a few minutes, she stays in the room in the morning while he gets dressed, they both fall down on the bed between car pools -it is about having something that is personal, predictable, private and confidential in a way that you have with no one else.
Sexual Desire
In a study of what men and women desire in sexual relationships, Elaine Hatfield and her colleagues (1989) found that the top two desires for married men were for partners to initiate sex more and be more seductive. The top two desires for married women were for partners to talk lovingly more often and be more seductive. Clearly both men and women want their partners to be seductive – but in different ways. Neurophysiologically men’s desire for sex is physically driven, most prominently by visual cues; women’s sexual desire is motivated by the wish for intimacy and connection. Essentially they want to be with each other but they need different cues for desire and arousal.
How do we move to mutual desire? We accept the differences and work with them. In the broadest example – if he really likes skimpy underwear – buy him some and buy yourself something you will both love (humor is never a bad thing in sexual plans). If you want her to feel desirable and desirous in the bedroom, value and affirm how she looks and how she thinks and what she does in many other places in your lives.
What else should we consider?
For both men and women, feeling valued by their partner plays a major role in their sexual desire and receptivity. The fact that someone does not initiate a sexual overture does not mean they are uninterested or will be unreceptive. It just means that someone has to start. The most valuable factor in enhancing desire for both men and women is the memory of a mutually satisfying sexual experience.
Imagination
Stephen Mitchell (2002) tells us that beyond biology, sexual connection is always partially an act of imagination. There was a line from a song by the Everly Brothers “You Never Close Your Eyes Anymore, When I Kiss Your Lips.” What that translates into is “You don’t love me enough to suspend reality. I am no longer a trigger of desire and imagination for you.” – This suspension of reality and triggering of desire is something very important in reclaiming intimacy.
Research suggests that 70% of American men and women fantasize while making love (Fisher 2004). What they fantasize about is less important than the capacity to do so because fantasy fosters the ability to trust and let go in a way that facilitates desire, arousal and orgasm. In the aftermath of trauma when illusion has been shattered and life has become frightening and painfully real, partners’ sexual relating can be jeopardized by the inability to relax and suspend vigilance. Reality has assaulted imagination and fantasy.
Recapture Fantasy Together
Reach back to the magic of your fantasy and dreams about each other as a way to recapture the capacity to access imagination.
What was your fantasy after your first date together – Take turns sharing. When do you fantasize most about your partner? Is it associated with a certain song, something he or she wears, a fragrance, a certain type of message sent or received? Let the other know. Play it, Wear it, Enjoy it. Share it. Laugh about it.
Have an Affair with your Partner – Take nothing for granted. Leave notes, Meet for the 10 minute cup of coffee, Steal a kiss in a public place. Notice what the other was wearing the day before. Plan the date. Don’t invite another couple. Go somewhere you’ve never been. Book the cheap motel.
Turn the volume up on the romance in small ways and you will turn the volume up on the desire, imagination and sexual connection.
If you are wondering : Will it make a difference? Will my partner take it seriously? Can we reclaim sexual intimacy even if there are days we don’t really like each other? Will it matter as long as we keep trying?
Consider: Does anyone learn the Tango in a day?
There is something uniquely special about Dancing in the Dark with someone you love.
For Further Reading:
Fisher, H. (2004) Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love . New York: Henry Holt and Company.
Hatfield, E. S., Sprecher, J. Traupmann Pillemer, D. Greenberger, and P. Wexler.1989. Gender differences in what is desired in the sexual relationship. Journal of Psychology and Human Sexuality 1 (2): 39-52.
Mitchell, S. A. 2002 Can Love Last? The Fate of Romance over Time. New York: W. W. Norton.
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Sounds like a straight forward game plan. Unfortunately, my body just doesn’t enjoy him touching me anymore. Don’t bother telling me the “act as if” line.
How sad. More than 1,300 words about reclaiming sexual intimacy, and the word “attraction” isn’t even mentioned.
How can this most basic aspect of sexuality and desire be entirely overlooked, in favor of an overemphasis on the notion of intimacy and connection?
Look. Men and women both want to feel sexually wanted. If they feel sexually wanted by their partners, good sex ensues. If neither feels sexually wanted, they end up in a sexless marriage or divorced. If only one feels sexually wanted and the other feels sexually overlooked, they end up on the therapist’s couch, probably not dealing with the basic question of attraction.
As LoPiccolo and Friedman write in ASSESSMENT AND TREATMENT OF DESIRE DISORDERS (1988, p. 125): “As psychologists, we often look for complicated psychodynamic and relationship system causes of low sexual desire, and sometimes overlook the obvious: If a person simply does not find his or her spouse physically attractive, low sex drive is hardly a suprising result.”
TPG: Thanks for your interesting comment – by all means one needs to factor in the reality of ” attraction.” What I think often happens when there clearly has always been attraction is that life’s events and trauma can make us unable to attend to those very things – be they aspects of personality or physical characteristics that once were so salient in connection. That said – you add to our disscussion a valuable component to consider – Thanks, Suzanne
Thanks for your very honest reaction – It is pretty hard to force yourself to go against your gut feeling – Far from acting ” as if” I would say if there is any aspect of your relationship where you can feel authentic enjoyment – that is where you start. Confidantes are intimate even if for some reason it can’t quite be physical – Thanks again for responding – Suzanne
Thank you, Dr. Phillips!
Can you repost my original comment? It doesn’t seem to be showing up; all I see are your two responses.
Dr. Phillips wrote –
“I would say if there is any aspect of your relationship where you can feel authentic enjoyment – that is where you start. Confidantes are intimate even if for some reason it can’t quite be physical[.]”
Here’s the problem with this. You can have authentic enjoyment with anyone. Anyone can be a confidante — a family member, a trusted friend. You can all manner of extraordinary intimacy with family members and trusted friends.
What you can’t have, if you’re married, is sex with them! (The friends, not the family. I’m not naive about incest.) So the idea of focusing on intimacy and confidante-ness with your spouse if your sex life is gone is very cold comfort. Very, very cold.
Mariah: Thank you for your comment. I certainly have to agree that there is no easy answer and when you are living it – it is more real and difficult than anyone else can feel, much less write about. Th very fact that you are reading, looking and even commenting tells me about your own personal resiliency. Thanks and believe in the one person you can count on – you. – Suzanne
Last reviewed: 11 Nov 2009
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