Divorce statistics tend to obscure the emotional impact of divorce. Whether a divorce is chosen, imposed, contested, litigated or mediated, divorce is difficult.
What often adds to the difficulty even after a divorce is finalized are lingering thoughts and feelings that bewilder, disturb, preoccupy and interfere with moving forward in a self-productive way.
How satisfied are you with your appearance?
Across the ages, norms of beauty have been set by cultures and passed down in the context of family, close community and friends. With time and technology, however, the setting of norms has changed and so has their impact.
How well do you really know yourself?
Have you ever discovered with surprise that the type of movie you hate was actually interesting; the sushi you would never try was delicious; or the cruise you resisted was really a blast?
Have you ever thought that if anyone had told you what you had to face yesterday, last month or this whole year, you would have said, “No Way, I can’t do that.”
You are not alone.
Laughing is a wonderful human trait that we all share. It is something we do from earliest childhood and something that benefits us in many ways.
- Physically, laughter relaxes skeletal and cardiovascular muscles. The rapid breathing associated with laughter increases oxygen level and improves respiratory function.
- Psychologically, laughter has been associated with reduction of stress and anxiety as well as improvement in mood, self-esteem and coping skills.
- Cognitively, neuroscientist, Scott Weems tells us that humor is like exercise for the brain. It necessitates insight and flexibility because it involves following the thread of the story and then enjoying the surprise, the pun or the unexpected. It is delightful when you realize from a child’s giggle that they “ get the joke” and heartwarming when the elderly are still “getting it” and laughing.
- Socially we know that laughter invites connection and is contagious. If you enter a room where everyone is laughing, before long there is a good chance you will be laughing even without knowing why. Some feel that the purpose of laughter is to strengthen human bonds.
Whereas men and women both enjoy humor and benefit from laughing, there are some interesting gender differences.
Are you superstitious? Do you knock on wood? Wear a lucky jersey when your favorite team plays? Believe deaths occur in three’s or use your horoscope as a life guide?
If so, you are not alone. It may surprise you to know that according to a 2012 CBS News poll, 51% of Americans endorse “knocking on wood” to insure good luck or ward off adversity, and 17% of Americans believe in the power of sports superstitions, like fans wearing lucky hats, to determine the outcome of a game!
Most of us procrastinate about doing some things, some of the time. I may put off folding clothes and you may find yourself avoiding the mail, the boxes in the garage or the report due next week. For 20% of men and women in the US, procrastination becomes a pervasive life style pattern that impairs quality of life by limiting success, compromising relationships and lowering self-esteem.
Procrastination and Anxiety
While there are many different reasons offered for procrastination, one dynamic that underscores many of them and much of the delaying or postponement of responsibilities is the difficulty regulating anxiety. In a sense, procrastination becomes a default position which offers a temporary fix but ultimately adds more anxiety.
Domestic Violence persists as a complicated and serious problem across geography, age, income, race, gender, religion and ethnicities. Women experience more than 4 million physical assaults and rapes because of their partners, and men are victims of nearly 3 million physical assaults. Eighty-five percent of domestic violence victims are women.
Children have no control over domestic violence. In fact, they are the collateral damage of the unregulated verbal and physical abuse of the adults in their lives. Michael Paymar, author of Violent No More: Helping Men End Domestic Abuse, reports that children are present during 80% of the assaults against their mothers.
A newly published nationwide study of 517 children who had witnessed domestic violence, including beating, hitting or kicking of a parent or caregiver, is one of the first studies that actually asks what children have to say about domestic violence.
Do men and women react differently after trauma? Yes. Does it mean one suffers more than the other? No. Do the differences confuse and often create tension for couples? Too often.
There are lots of things that we cannot control in life. One thing that we can change is our perspective. Like the lens on a camera, how we see things belongs to us and can be adjusted to see things differently, more clearly, and from a different angle. Given that our perspective bears on our feelings, our thoughts and our behavior—the ability to change perspective can be a resource for changing aspects of our life.
In their book NLP: A Changing Perspective, Dr. Rachel Hott and Steve Leeds lay out some principles for looking at life from different perspectives. What if we applied some of their principles to the “Fear of Failure?”
There is considerable evidence that friendships enhance our physical and emotional well-being. A recent study by John Cacioppo at the University of Chicago even suggests that the feeling of extreme loneliness increases the risk of premature death by 14 percent.
Culturally the notion of having and holding friends is passed on to us from early childhood:
“We’ll be Friends Forever, won’t we, Pooh?’ asked Piglet. Even longer,’ Pooh answered.”― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
Despite the benefits, however, friendships are complicated and at times problematic. The key to avoid problems in friendships is to begin with you, the only person you can ever really know or control and to use mentalization.