Upsetting readers is a good way to garner comments, which always look good on a blog. Even so, I usually try to avoid riling my audience. Admittedly, I’ve been known to make statements likely to be disputed by militant atheists, but in doing so my intent is to respectfully challenge fixed viewpoints, not to insult or anger.

So at first it surprised me that my last post stirred up such strong feelings, both on WillSpirit! and GuidePosts to Happiness. But looking back at what I wrote, and remembering my own evolution toward acceptance, it seems clear to me that the outcry could have been predicted, and possibly avoided.

Not that long ago I attended a weekend retreat at a local Buddhist meditation center. The topic was trauma, and how we adapt to it. The facilitator insisted that because we attach to our ‘stories,’ we perpetuate whatever pain we’ve suffered in the past. I took exception to her statement, because it seemed to me that coping with the after-effects of vicious child abuse counts as more than mere storytelling. The way my stepmother mistreated me as a young boy was highly traumatic, terrifying, and damaging. It offended me to hear devastating childhood events discounted as a mere ‘stories.’

These days I see my past in a different light, but back then I’d have reacted similarly if anyone had tried to tell me that my hardships should be considered growth opportunities.

So I apologize for those who are suffering with bereavements and pain that seem too awful to be of any benefit. I truly understand how much life can wound a person, and how such grief can overwhelm all optimism.

But allow me to gently continue by pointing out that grief is usually time-limited. As much as it agonizes, it generally fades. The deceased loved one, or the lost career, or the damaged health will always be missed, but the acute pain lessens. In the end, even the most painful experiences can fade into the past, and the mind can recover. What’s more, humans often construct meaning out of trauma.

Different cultures do this differently. In some Muslim traditions, hardship is seen as a chance to demonstrate strength of character to God. In western countries, with their Christian roots, we encounter the notion that ordeals edify the soul. My observation that hardship can help us grow derives from this tradition. But whether one looks for growth, or grace, or some other redeeming quality, it is natural and healthy to process disaster and shape it into something tolerable.

I understand that grief sometimes fails to resolve or become tolerable. Fortunately, such cases are relatively rare. Most often, the heart recovers. Much of the time, it grows.

I would never intentionally minimize the emotional burden of hardship. But it is nevertheless the case that by finding meaning in our trials, by trying to learn from them, we can sometimes lessen and shorten our suffering.

Some will not be ready to hear this, and I respect that. But others will be receptive to the hopeful message: even awful events can be seen, eventually, in a balanced light. The tragic fact of injury, injustice, or loss remains, but human maturation and a broader perspective on life and history can transform a personal contraction around pain into something larger, or even beautiful.

We can all recognize the power and grace of a wounded person who accepts, forgives, gains wisdom, and reaches out to help others.

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    Last reviewed: 19 Apr 2011