Andrea couldn’t make up her mind: She was supposed to go to this party that was organized by her new sports club, but she wasn’t feeling up for it. She had been planning to go, really wanted to, and not let her social anxiety get in the way. She was well aware that she had to push through the temptation to just avoid uncomfortable situations if she wanted to have a more active social life. This time she was going to just go and have fun.

It was the end of the year, and Andrea had been thinking about what 2011 had brought. She felt a strong sense of loss. A close friend of the family had died earlier that year. She had moved across the country and lost touch with most members of her former basketball team, whom she felt very close to. To add to her stress, she was worried about losing her job after her company threatened more layoffs.

Andrea felt torn and didn’t know what to do. Push through her anxiety and just go to the party, or honor her feelings and her need to take care of herself.

It’s an old story: Decision making is not an easy job for the Gentle Self, when her own needs are involved. Always torn between one’s own desires and what other people want, Andrea felt unable to come to a conclusion. So we talked about it in our therapy session the morning of the party.

Yes, it’s important to gently challenge oneself when it comes to social anxiety. It’s often way to easy to just skip a social gathering because of the inevitable fear it triggers, and subsequently feel lonely and left out. But you can only push yourself when you are feeling otherwise all right. If you have other things going on that overwhelm your emotional system, challenging yourself will only backfire.

I’ve been reading an old book by the Tibetan-American Buddhist teacher Chogyam Trungpa¹ , who proposed an easy to remember formula for this kind of ambivalence: “Do what is required.” Don’t buy into your own doubts and “shoulds” when it comes to decision making. What does the situation require?

In Andrea’s case, she knew she wasn’t going to jeopardize a friendship if she decided not to go to the party. She knew that she would miss out on an opportunity. But she felt clearly that in this case she needed to attend to her need for calm and quiet before her social needs. So she decided to stay home and have a glass of wine by herself. And she felt good about it.

She had done what was required.

Photo credit: gareth1953

1. Chogyam Trungpa (2008). Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism. New York, NY: Shambala [↩]

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    Last reviewed: 1 Jan 2012