photo credit: sermoa

Today I’m trying something that I hope can become a regular feature. Sometimes, finding current news and resources on family mental health issues can be tough. I will gather a few goodies that I find, give you a brief introduction, and provide a link for you to check out the original source. Hopefully, you and I will gradually collect a wealth of good reading for us to refer to whenever we need it. Also, if you have a great resource or interesting article to share, let me know and I’ll try to include it if it seems appropriate. Here’s your first Around The Web summary.

photo credit: Ewan-M

For most of high school, I had a busy after-school schedule. Some days I was there through the evening because of a practice, a game, or an event. The distance between my school and home sometimes didn’t permit for me to touch base at home in between things. That was twenty plus years ago, and things aren’t much different for many families today. Kids are going everywhere, parents work late or at odd hours, and no one’s sure who’s coming or going. And despite this challenge, I’m going to emphasize how important it is to make the time somehow.

So what if your schedule seems impossible? How in the world will you ever pull it off? Well, before we get into the how, let’s take a closer look at the why.  Mealtime is a lot more than just consuming calories. It’s social time, it’s responsibility and routine time, and it’s a time for showing that we care enough to make the effort to be with each other. That’s why you have a family in the first place, isn’t it? To be together. It can be an important anchor in a child’s daily schedule and emotional universe. Children know what to expect, they can count on seeing certain important people, and they can enjoy something delicious to the senses together. Kids get used to sharing highlights of their day, maybe a laugh or two.

Some families do hold dinner later for their late-arriving parent so no one is left out. Or sometimes the kids are fed first, share a snack later when the late-arriving parent gets home, then the parents have a full meal together after the kids go to bed. One way or another, everyone eats and everyone is together.

Did I ever say that family mealtime always had to be supper? No – that’s where creativity comes in! If dinner time is too tricky, a …

photo credit: owlpacino

About a month ago, I told you about a competition my husband started with our girls keeping their rooms clean.  I’ve learned a few interesting things from this process and I’ll share my most important observation.  Kids learn new habits with their own unique challenges and motivation issues.  Now, I’ll go over some of the important details that helped me understand how my kids are learning.

My oldest has various issues with focus.  She can have incredible focus in some areas and a near complete lack of it in others.  For example, she could read a good book for at least an hour straight or more.  She might go to the bathroom, but I’m not sure she’d stop to eat.  On the other hand, doing tasks of responsibility and self care are harder for her to string together.  She may be able to keep up her enthusiasm of a clean room for a short while.  But eventually, she runs up against her natural tendancies to wander off on a string of tasks. 

My middle daughter seems to have taken to this habit and routine thing like a fish to water.  She’s the only one getting any rewards now, even though we don’t reward all the time anymore.  When she’s given a task, most of the time she will get right to it and stay on it until it is done, or at least a reasonably large chunk is done.  She tends to leave a trail of stuff behind her as she goes through the house, but her habits and routines seem to be strengthening.  While she doesn’t always get rewarded for her work, she seems to do well most of the time with her room. 

My youngest also has focus issues.  I can give her a little more leeway right …

I was prompted to write about this topic because of recent TV awards shows.  Mind you, I’m not watching them, but I do see the fashion photos and see articles about the shows online.  Also, the internet has provided pop stars, actors, and athletes about ten times the exposure they used to have twenty years ago.  Kids are seeing all kinds of people in the entertainment and sports industries around every corner.  You may know that your kids look up to their uncle or their helpful neighbor.  But who else are they being exposed to?

The spectacle, the weirdness, the over-the-top-ness of these award shows.  I guess I’m not their target audience anymore because I really don’t care enough to turn them on.  But certainly many kids and teens watch these kinds of shows, whether or not their parents approve.  Elvis may have been controversial in his time, but put his dancing up against the antics of Lady GaGa.  I mean, seriously – her weirdness has to be more shocking than Elvis’ hips.

I can’t remember the athlete’s name, but I remember what he said when someone asked if he was a role model. Basically he said he didn’t intend to be one (even though he was really famous).  In his mind, that may have absolved him of any need to present himself as a responsible person.  But here’s the fact – you don’t really decide whether or not you are a role model for kids. If any kid anywhere could possibly see what you are doing or hear about something you have done (good or bad), you could become their role model. This likelihood is about a thousand times stronger if you are even somewhat famous.  When this athlete said he didn’t intend to be a role model, it didn’t really mean he wasn’t one. And that’s what makes “famous people” role models so dangerous.

Here’s the …

Bad news – you just found out your kid has been bullied at school.  Good news – they are not alone.  So many social problems and mental health problems are hidden from the general perception of the public.  People know depression is “out there” but have no idea how many people living on their street are affected by it.  Likewise, people understand that bullying is somewhere in schools around the world, but may have no idea how deep the problem is in their local school district.

Your kid probably feels pretty isolated already, and may think they are the only one at school getting this kind of treatment.  They are probably wrong about this.  Bullies want their targets to feel isolated and hopeless.  They want their targets to feel powerless to change their situation.  And with that kind of defeated attitude, a bully could ideally maintain power over their target for a long time.  If a bully or group of bullies is brazen enough to do it once to one child, they are certainly going to find other targets.

So yes, technically, there has to be a “first target” for any bully.  But after getting up a little confidence, many bullies move on to more than one target.  So even if you ask your child, “Is there anybody else these bullies are harassing?” you are probably not getting the whole story.  They may be bullying kids from different grades, different classrooms, their siblings, or even kids in their neighborhood that go to a different school.  Ask your child how much they know about the bullying bothering other kids, but don’t rely solely on your child’s report.

Contact your school about the situation, even if you think you have handled it pretty well.  Teachers, counselors, bus drivers, lunch staff, and principals are on the front lines of social struggles between kids.  As much as you might want to follow your child around all day and fend of potential bullies, you can’t …

The other day I woke up in a somewhat fearful depressed state of mind.  I am not entirely sure why it came on just then, but I had a day ahead of me and I felt like I was painted into a corner.  I recorded my thoughts a few times, not to wallow in them but to capture them.  I don’t have a diary, but that’s the description that seemed to fit best.  I was hoping that if I wrote my thoughts and feelings down, they would go away faster or at least make some sense to me later.  I’m not sure either thing happened. 

Anyway, this is my best shot at “real time depression” to let you know what it’s like to be ambushed by your motions when life is otherwise generally in good shape – depression leftovers, if you will.  It’s unedited, perhaps a little rough in some places, but it’s how it came out in the moment.  I hope you can appreciate the raw expression for what it is.

My “Diary Excerpt”

I can’t be sure where my safe spot is inside me.  I have people around me that I love and that love me, but there is also fear.  I fear and regret disappointing others, either in the past or the future.  I’m trying to fake it today, knowing that I don’t want to alarm anyone to how close I am to tears.  A few striking comments echo in my mind, providing evidence that I’ve already tread on thin ice with one person.  Or so it seems. 

Right now, I can’t tell how seriously I’m supposed to take anyone’s opinions today.  I can tell that I’m way too absorbent, too permeable to other people’s emotions and comments.  It wouldn’t take much to amplify my own fears and insecurities today, causing them to spill out in unstoppable tears. 

The more I don’t do about the problem, the bigger it seems to get.  And if I would try something to make the problem better, …

The Gift of Self Discipline

As parents, we put our kids through plenty of rigmarole.  Brush your teeth, clear your dishes, pick up your dirty clothes, sit down and do your homework, do your music practice, call me before you leave.  A constant stream of commands flow out of our mouth.  I have never said so many declarative sentences as when I’ve been a parent trying to keep three young ones in line.  And what is the hopeful payoff in the end?  A sense of self discipline, their OWN voice barking orders in their head when mom and dad (or teachers) aren’t around.

I really do grow tired of giving directions so much, but I know it works.  Despite the annoying repetition, I do notice that in many areas my girls need less and less direction over time.  I may still need to initiate the action, but they can go on auto pilot for many tasks now.  Some, I will admit, still don’t sink in very quickly.  For one daughter, I’ve resigned to repeating myself about manners until she graduates from high school.  After that, she’s on her own! Thankfully, my girls do many things without nearly that level of attention from me.

For example, one of my daughters is just starting piano lessons.  She has dabbled a little bit with my help and had a few random lessons from one of my aunts when we are in her town.  But it was high time she got her own teacher here and started weekly lessons.  For now, she is excited because it is new and she has a keyboard in her room.  However I know that even the most enthused and talented musicians eventually can’t stand practicing at times.  They would rather do anything else but that some days.  However, because they have good self discipline, they do it regardless of their other wishes.  I even told my daughter something to that effect. 

I didn’t want to scare her too …

Dating In Junior High

As the mom of a tween, the time will eventually come when boys and girls in my daughter’s class will really start noticing each other in ways they didn’t before.  And sure, it may already be happening some.  But elementary school has a different feel than junior high, middle school, or whatever you might call that place a few years before high school.  Social rules change, appearances matter more, kids are starting to, ahem, develop in new ways.  Adolescence shows up front and center.

Here’s what prompted me to think about this tonight.  Two moms near me today were talking about the difference between fifth grade and sixth grade, specifically about how more girls were texting their sons now that they were one year older.  Last year he didn’t care, this year he’s good with it.  The way they were speaking about it, they seemed to think it was somewhat cute.  I wasn’t sure what to think.

Back in the day, we used to communicate the old fashioned way – through passing hand-written notes.  Alright, so that sounds kind of archaic now, but you didn’t have to pay X amount of dollars a month to do it.  However, an advantage of texting is that you could potentially track exactly what your kids are communicating with each other. 

This wasn’t meant to become a post just about texting, but rather what parents permit their kids to do regarding dating or “going out” at that tween age.  I also know that I put some restrictions on my girls watching TV shows that focus too much on dating.  Not that I’m going to lock them in their rooms until they are eighteen, I just don’t think they need too much of that when they are ten and under. 

This is where parents can fall into herd mentality in some ways.  Other kids are into the dating thing, so maybe it is OK for their kids to do …

Families are much like tiny nations.  They each have a financial structure, social structure, and a power structure.  Unfortunately, the younger members of these “family nations” tend to make a run for power on a regular basis.  Like a government coup every other day.  No wonder parents get so stressed!

These attempts at asserting power are a very normal part of a child’s life.  They don’t automatically know how to handle their own initiative and control.  Families provide a safe environment for kids to test these out and learn from their mistakes.  Despite the turmoil this can cause families on a daily basis, kids can and usually do improve as they grow older.

The way a parent handles each situation in the moment makes a lot of difference.  But it’s also important how they prepare for them in advance.  Rules, expectations, the kids’ respect for authority, parenting style – these all exist whether a ruckus is happening or everyone is asleep.

If you quizzed your kids right now, what would they say about the rules?  What would they say about how much freedom they have to do what they want?  What would you say about how effective your rules are and how you enforce them?

Power struggles happen when kids rise up in some way against a parent and the parent attempts to wrestle the power back.  You may particularly experience this if you have a child with a strong personality, if you have been fairly permissive as a parent, if you have a teenager, or if your child is going through some type of stressful time.  Notice the very different circumstances that can lead to a power struggle. 

A mistake parents often make is that they struggle with their child.  Rather than doing something swift and decisive to take the power back quickly, they often go back and forth with their child in some way.  Arguments, bargaining, giving in to a child’s outrage – all of these things keep a child engaged in the …

No matter what happened to you during your formative years, your parents’ parenting styles are not your destiny.  Have you grown up thinking you were afraid you would repeat all the mistakes your parents made?  Or on the flip side, did you have great parents and you are concerned you couldn’t live up to what they did? If you are a parent now or might soon be one, take a minute to think about this.

Here’s the big liberating secret about parenting – you are your own person.  Yep, that’s it.  No matter how awesome, horrible, or average your parents were, you are still a completely new individual with entirely new mistakes to make.  Can you still repeat history and drag your kids through problems similar to your own childhood?  Yes, that is certainly possible.  It is even more likely if you don’t take a very close look at those problems and how they came about. 

If you were brought up in a home with alcoholism, what have you done to prevent you or your spouse or partner from becoming an alcoholic?  If you have been diagnosed with anxiety like your mom was, do you have a good treatment plan in place so it will have a minimal impact on your family?  If you grew up in a home where the adults had chaotic and unhealthy relationships, how have you or will you go about choosing a partner wisely?  You see, it’s what you learn from these past problems that is so much more important than the actual problems themselves.  Blindness to your own vulnerability is what puts you at risk.

This is even true about people afraid they can’t live up to their parents’ great efforts.  The lack of confidence is the problem, not some level of perceived perfection that can’t be attained.  You aren’t supposed to be your parents anyway.  They were their own people (I know, weird to think of them that way) as parents and they raised you in a …