The results are in – the official cause of Amy Winehouse’s death is alcohol poisoning.  Many people wouldn’t be able to stay conscious long enough to drink an amount that would kill them.  However, this is much easier when someone has had a long history of drinking like Amy did.  A person who drinks heavily on a regular basis will build up a tolerance to alcohol, making them feel a lot less intoxicated than they really are.

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It’s a good time of the year for a little health check-up for your family.  Mental and physical health are very closely tied, so it’s good to know how things stand with both aspects of your life.  We’re just before the Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday stress, partway through the school year, at the time when many corporate businesses are conducting health screenings, and also at the beginning of flu season.  Are you and your family in good health now, mentally and physically?

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In keeping with my article earlier this week, today’s focus is bullying and suicide.  No doubt, this has been going on behind the scenes for some time.  But in recent years, these suicides have gotten much more media attention.

Bullying happens when people disconnect from their sense of compassion and empathy.  They get outside of themselves, enabling them to do cruel things with little remorse.  The goal is to keep their target weak and vulnerable so they can continue to feel powerful and invincible.  Online taunting even goes as far as wishing a bullied person would die.  It’s unconscionable, but it happens all around the world every single day under our noses.

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It might just be a look.  A kick.  A “bump” in the hallway.  Snickering around the corner.  Bullying is often a pretty subtle game, but the consequences can be enormous.  Kids who get bullied can become anxious, depressed and lonely.  They can feel so powerless, so helpless against kids who want to see them suffer.

Think words can’t hurt the way punches and kicks hurt?  Try again.  Adults and kids alike have told me how much hurtful words have cut through them.  What’s worse is how these words hang around in their minds long after they are spoken.  Words can be true weapons for a savvy bully.

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I bring you this collection of resources on child death because of recent news reports in my state.  Two wrongful child deaths in particular have had an impact on me and many others.  These reports are heartbreaking and have felt like blows to my chest, even though I have no personal connection to these situations.

Of course, the death of a child doesn’t always grab headlines like those two cases.  It may be the result of an illness, long-term medical problems, an accident, suicide, or even miscarriage or stillbirth.  When a child dies, no matter the age or circumstance, someone’s always grieving.

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Tonight I read a reader comment about depression and responsibility that really made me think.  What if a family member clearly has depression but doesn’t do much to make things work?  Is it OK to just blame the depression and hope it passes?  Should the depressed person take responsibility?  What if everyone else goes all out to help and they still don’t do what it takes to see improvement?  Are there other options to make things better?

I’m telling you, this topic treads on some delicate ground.  I have been depressed and I understand the feeling of being frozen with uncertainty and unable to think in a straight line.  I remember feeling that so much of what I did was fruitless and futile.

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I know the 9/11 anniversary has already past, but my reflections have been spread out over much more than one day.  In fact, much of it came late last night while talking with my kids and this morning when I was alone.  I don’t feel like I can watch TV shows about it with my kids around just yet.  Some of those images are really hard to watch, even for me as an adult who has seen them a lot.  The girls have seen still pictures, but the video is powerful in a different sort of way.

Last night, we talked about the stories of that day.  We talked about the general things everybody knew, and we talked about the things that were from just my perspective.  I was pregnant with my second daughter at the time, so she had a unique part in my personal story.

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Earlier this week, I saw an article headline about bullying and jiu-jitsu.  I finally read it and was pretty impressed.

I admit I don’t know a lot about martial arts, so I thought it was just another form of strategic fighting like you might see in the movies.  According to the article, it’s a form of self defense that uses leverage, locks, and holds.  It made more sense when I understood that.

The trainers teach the importance of talking to the bully first and then the teachers.  They recognize that the largest percentage of bullying is verbal, not physical.  However, physical bullying is just one step away, so they train the kids to learn self protection in case it goes that far.

The article explains how the use of jiu-jitsu with bullies is about temporarily taking control when necessary.  It’s not about duking it out or proving who’s tougher.  When it’s necessary, taking control can change the tide completely and show that the targeted child won’t stand being a target anymore (or allowing a friend to be a target).

I think that’s cool, mostly because it gives targeted children a real sense of confidence that they could truly protect themselves if needed.  Just that confidence alone could be enough to deter a bully.

That being said, I must say that a lot of schools are not good with kids being physical with each other, even out of self defense.  If a child does this, regardless of how appropriate it may be, it’s quite possible they will get in some kind of trouble.  For me, I think I’d be able to live with a little bit of school trouble if it meant one of my daughters truly did the right thing in the right way to protect herself.

I think there’s a real difference between violence and self protection, but be aware of the possible consequences if you choose to use an approach like this.

And anyone who’s use martial arts or jiu-jitsu or anything like it to address bullying in their life or community, please speak up.  I don’t want to misrepresent something or leave out other important benefits of this approach.  Thanks, readers!

photo credit: stevendepolo

Today I read a new comment on the post “When a Depressed Spouse Refuses Help” and was inspired to write a long response.  It got long enough that I decided to make it a separate post for everyone to see more easily.  The commenter talked about how tough it was to deal with a spouse that chose their depression over their family.  Their depression had almost become like a security blanket, something they wanted to be around more than their family.

This can actually be somewhat of a controversial topic.  I’ve read comments from both depressed people and from spouses.  People with depression want to have acceptance and for their spouses to be patient.  Spouses want their loved ones to take some action and accept their help so they can be a functioning family again.  And when it doesn’t come together, families can split apart.

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School finally started for us here and we’re still working on some transitions.  Just checking in with you to see how you and your family members are adjusting to everything.

So far, the first few days for us have gone well.  Everyone has gotten up in time, gotten breakfast, and been ready to go out the door with everything (almost everything) they need for the day.  Not too bad, but I can see I have a little more work to do keep it going smoothly.

Here are a few things I’ve noticed that have been helping us so far:

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