Parenting can be so difficult when you use too much of a good thing and not enough of another.  I’m taking a cue from one of my fair readers who commented on the mother-daughter post a few days ago.

It’s about being too strict or too lenient, and then finding yourself on the opposite extreme end trying to make up for it.  I understand this well.  While I do believe I generally ride down the middle of these lines, I know when I start feeling like I’m too far in one direction.

As I’m writing this, I realize what’s driving my swing in either direction - emotion.  I’m not sure if this is what you would relate to, but my first sense was that I over-corrected because of my emotional state.  When I get too much crabby drill sergeant going on, I start to feel guilty that I’m being unreasonable.

In order to “make up” for going overboard, I make greater allowances and go soft for a little while.  You know, it’s the least I can do after they suffered me.  Do you see where this is going??  When I get my mood out of the way and focus on the big picture, I can get things back to a good balance.

I think every parent does this to some extent.  I mean, we are all human and we all get swept up in our emotions.  That’s very normal, so don’t go beating yourself up if you do this sometimes!  But do pay attention to whether this is a “sometimes” kind of thing or a “most of the time” kind of thing.

Do your kids live by two sets of rules - one for when mom or dad are too easy-going and one when mom or dad is uptight and demanding?  If you think this might be to similar to your own situation, don’t panic.  Take a few days to pay attention to your mood swings and how you handle them.

If you think you do a lot of any of those things, you may be living in a nearly constant state of emotional volatility.  Anxiety, feeling down a lot, anger, defensiveness - any of these feelings in large quantities can make you ripe for strong emotional responses.  And as I said earlier in this post, that emotionality is what can keep your discipline approach swinging back and forth between extremes.

This could be very enlightening for you, even if you believe you are pretty close down the middle much of the time.  Honestly, just sitting and writing about it has made me think a little more about my own patterns.  You may need to start taking care of yourself differently and looking at where these troubling feelings are coming from.  Perhaps you need to talk wtih your spouse about being more of a family team.

Maybe you need a stronger support system of moms or dads going through similar struggles.  Or, perhaps you are uncovering a mental health problem that could benefit from some counseling or some talks with your pastor.  When you can manage your emotions better, you can be a more effective parent.  A little self observation like this can really pay off.

Share with me what you are thinking about right now, or if you have notice anything like this with your parenting.

The more I have learned about postpartum depression, the more I realized how much misinformation is out there. Television, magazines, and the Internet continue to over dramatize and politicize postpartum mental disorders. Or, they are completely dismissive of new mothers truly concerned about their mental health. Right now, I’ll just take you through a comparison of two very common postpartum mental conditions. Let’s keep this simple and easy.

Postpartum depression meets all the basic criteria of clinical depression. This includes any five of the following symptoms: feelings of hopelessness, loss of interest in usual activities, significant weight loss or gain, significant appetite change, sleep problems (too much or too little), loss of energy, either feeling too keyed up or too slow, feelings of self loathing and negativity, problems with concentration, decision-making, and clear thinking.

Along with those symptoms, a mom with postpartum depression may turn some of her negativity or loss of interest towards her baby.  Oddly, many of the above-listed symptoms are very normal in the first several weeks following childbirth. What new mom hasn’t struggled with their sleep, had some loss of energy, and had significant weight change?  The similarities can make postpartum depression somewhat tricky to diagnose.

Baby blues consist of tearfulness, some mild sadness or an overwhelmed feeling, and last just a few weeks after childbirth. A difference between baby blues and depression is that the baby blues usually starts a few days after birth, and depression may not set in until a few weeks or months later.

Certainly, depression can set in very early, but true baby blues simply don’t last that long.  You know you have depression when you just can’t shake those feelings and they seem to get worse.

To add a few personal details, I didn’t notice the odd depression symptoms until about two months after giving birth.  I noticed that my calendar in my mind was a big white blank wall for anything more than five minutes into the future.  Also, I tried just about everything I knew how to do to feel better and more positive, and I was still tearful and so miserably hopeless inside.

I distinctly remember at some point after this had gone on and on saying to myself, “Well, this must be what motherhood is really like.  Women make it look easy, but it’s mostly just really hard.”  NOT true!  Yes, the early months and years are challenging, but they should not be miserable.  That’s a sign of depression - resigning to the idea that things just won’t get better and you are doomed to feel a heavy burden for years.

Being miserable, hopeless, no vision into the future, giving up on enjoying motherhood - this is NOT the baby blues.  This is postpartum depression.  It is treatable, it can be over, you do not have to feel this way your entire life.  If you are not sure whether you have been experiencing the baby blues, talk to someone.  You can’t ever go wrong talking to someone you trust about your feelings.

If your distress really is temporary and mild, you will still have done something good for yourself by getting your concerns off your chest.  If things are getting pretty bad, you will have hopefully caught postpartum depression early and can get treatment and support.

And please, if you or a mom you know is having any scary thoughts or visions of hurting herself or her baby, this is a medical emergency.  Call a doctor or 911 and get a good mental health assessment immediately.  This could mean life and death for a mom and her child.

I realize I may have missed some details about postpartum depression here.  Trust me, I could write a post ten times longer than this just on recognizing it!  This was meant to be a broad-brush type of post to tell the difference between postpartum depression and the baby blues *without* media hype, an extreme viewpoint, misinformation, or political skew.  So please add your stories, your key symptoms, your depression time frame, whatever might help another woman or family decide if the problem is baby blues or postpartum depression.

In honor of my oldest daughter’s birthday earlier this month, I’d like to do a shout-out to all the moms out there.  The title of “Mom” is both common and unique at the same time.  Caring moms are all over the planet, but each one is the most important person mom in the world to their children.

Now that I’ve been on both sides of the Mom coin, I can appreciate this so much better.  I mean really, who else would put up with someone throwing up on her shoulders every day?  And I’m virtually certain there must be a bank of “sleep Mommy never got” up in heaven, so I’m counting on some nice long naps after I leave this earth.  Moms put up with a lot, but the rewards they get - a toothless smile, a loving hug, a “thanks” - are priceless.

Those special coos and soothing little mommy sounds - they are a lullaby for babies and little children.  Mommies are walking comfort blankets.  When moms and their children develop a bond, nobody quite measures up to Mommy.

Thankfully, this essential bonding doesn’t just happen between biological mothers and their babies.  Adoptive moms, grandmothers, or other special caretakers may become the mommy for a child.  Just giving birth doesn’t automatically make you a mommy. Being the woman a child counts on for security, acceptance, love, affection, help, safety, and learning - that’s how kids know who their mommy is.

A good mother-child relationship is built on warmth and being around each other a lot.  Typically, moms do hands-on nurturing like kissing boo-boos, fixing hair, making favorite foods, changing diapers, being a lounge chair for a child who’s sick, being with a child during the night shift over and over.  Moms develop their bonding relationship with their children through these activities.  I can recall many occasions where my mother did that with me, and that I have done with my three girls.  It’s those little things that add up to the whole relationship.

When you feel you need that one person who knows you best, accepts you, understands what makes you feel better, that’s when no one but mom will do.  Moms, you keep doing what you’re doing each and every day.  Those little things count for so much.  And even when your kids are driving you crazy and you wish you could ship them to the moon, just one soft kiss on your cheek or unexpected hug magically turns it all around.

Do you know a helicopter parent?  They tend to hover over their child out of concern that something bad might happen.  While it this may be appropriate when a real threat seems nearby, some parents take it all the way.  They continue the hovering long after the child is in diapers, long after their days of toddling around the living room, and long after they are ready for school.  Who are helicopter parents really protecting?

I’m reminded instantly of Nemo’s dad in the Disney movie, “Finding Nemo”.  Dory insightfully points out that if Nemo’s dad never lets anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him.  Food for thought as we consider how our culture has shaped parenting.

The news seems to be full of warnings about every possible danger in the home and out.  I’m not discounting real hazards, just pointing out that drama sells.  parents already inclined towards anxiety have so much more information about all the possible hazards, they need something to fight back with.  Supervision and worry.

Helicopter parents fret about germs, the hazards of kickball, their child’s self esteem in school, and anything potentially stressful.  They cringe when their child climbs on the monkey bars, gets nervous when their child is upset, and defends their child from criticism.

Do you notice some of the words I used?  Fret, hazards, stressful, cringe, nervous, upset, defend.  Those words distill the emotional base of a helicopter parent.  They overprotect their child to protect themselves from feeling fear and anxiety.  If they can keep their kids totally safe from harm, they can feel safe too.  They can create a cozy box of comfort for themselves and their child.

Helicopter parents translate their anxiety to their child.  Ironically, the anxiety these parents attempt the quell by hovoring can make kids feel less emotionally safe and secure.  A breeze could be bad because it’s too much air for the baby.  Playing in the snow could be bad because you could get really sick from being outside.  Exploring the backyard could be bad because you could fall.  Life is about trying to deal with Mom or Dad being upset or worrying about everything.  Instead of teaching their child to deal with ups and downs, the goal is to eliminate any potential “downs”.

Just one problem with this - a child growing up with a helicopter parent will likely end up just as nervous as the parent, or they may resent the micromanagement and rebel.  Neither outcome is a real healthy one - more about extremes of reaction than learning how to successfully navigate through the risks of life on Earth.

I’ll admit that for a period of time with my first child, I think I was somewhat like this.  I was a first time parent, inexperienced and somewhat naive about the resiliency of children.  As she grew and after I had my second child, I know I relaxed a great deal.  I think that’s kind of a normal parenting progression.

I am concerned about the parents who seem to do this for years, even when their kids are adults.  They push for situations to be the least risky, least conflictual, the least disappointing, the least uncomfortable for everyone.  And then they come unglued when their efforts to control everything fall apart.

What do you think?  Have you been this way, or do you know someone who has?  What have you seen happen in this situation?

Everybody has “poor me” habits, you just may or may not be completely aware of them.  Maybe you start saying really negative things out loud so others can hear.  Or, you start leaving things undone out of spite, hoping someone will notice and rescue you from your burden.  Perhaps when one thing goes wrong you horribilize everything else around you.  Maybe you have a “poor me” habit that is a little different from these, but has that same dark icky feeling.  Ready to step out of your “poor me” habit, parents?

- Put focus on things that matter and have gone well.  Yes, you didn’t have time to finish all the laundry you set out to do, and breakfast got interrupted, and you just had a massive schedule change out of left field before 8 am.  But…you have a chance to make a little extra money, you did get many other cleaning chores done yesterday, and you have supper planned ahead.

This is basically what my evening and morning have been about today.  I was very frustrated when all of this was hitting and I was getting a pretty bad dialogue going in my head.  Now I’ll never get XYZ done, already messing up the day and it’s only 7:15, I’ll never get a chance to catch up, I don’t know what I’m doing and that situation will probably go badly.  Since I made choices or just had a mental slip-up, I immediately started dumping on myself.  I had a limited amount of time now to do various things and I was already syphoning it away by this “poor me” nonsense.

-Decide it’s time for “poor me” to go away.  Only once I decided it was time to calm did things start going better.  I had to just get over myself and realize I had different choices than what I expected, and that wasn’t all a bad thing.  Yeah, I was going to have to be a little more focused and maybe do only some of what I had originally planned.  But even in doing SOME of what I had planned, I would still get more done than allowing my mind to get all scrambled up from my emotions.  It was my job to get my feelings in check - be honest with myself, acknowledge them, and then push them out of the way.

-Start doing something and get into your logical problem-solving mindset.  Once I got started on one of my tasks for the day, I began to think differently about everything.  I could do maybe 20 minutes of this, and just one of those chores, and still have time to do this part of my project.  Perhaps I had heaped a few jobs on myself that could be delegated to the kids, or I was making a fuss about some tasks that could really wait a little.  Sifting through those priorities and tasks was a total left-brain activity.  I couldn’t do that if I
was still stuck in “Poor Me Land.”

-Avoid dumping on your family.  The main thing here is that I don’t want my mental garbage to dump on my kids later in the day.  I already tossed some at them this morning when this was all going down.  And overall, this adjustment to my day is not ridiculous and there are probably more upsides than down.  My efforts to keep my emotions under control will not only benefit me, but also my family.  That my responsibility as a parent, too.  Not just getting things done, but not putting excess emotional burden on my kids - especially when it doesn’t really have anything to do with them.

I got caught doing my “poor me” mom routine this morning, but I have managed to derail it.  Honestly, it was really tempting to hang on to it for a while longer.  It felt justified and righteous, but also poisoning and wasteful.  Thankfully, I was able to catch it early before it ran away with my day.  If I’d let the funk grow all morning, I may have colored my whole day with it and regretted the way I spent my time.  But now, I feel like I have a second chance to start the day.  At 9:13 am, I’m pushing the do-over button.  “Poor me” has left the building.

1- Confident – This is your stereotypical bully, like you would see in the TV movie “A Christmas Story”.  He has the attitude, the physical prowess, and has no empathy for the little people around him.  He’s strong and mean.

2- Social – This bully spreads rumors, gossips, and verbally taunts others, Social shunning is also widely used by this kind of bully.  Sometimes it only takes a look to do the job.  Girl bullies commonly fall into this category.  Be aware - they can be difficult to spot because they are subtle.

3- Fully armored- This bully is a charmer, a real cool customer.  He or she are likable to adults, and deceptive to avoid arousing suspicion.  But when the adults are gone this bully is vicious and unemotional to their targets.

4- Hyperactive- The hyperactive bully bounces around and does his or her bullying with a lot of excuses “he made me do it” or “it was just an accident”.  They struggle with grades and have poor social skills.

5- Bullied bully- This kind of bully is the direct result of being repeatedly bullied themselves.  They have been a target for so long, they find some sense of relief from the powerless.

6- Bunch of bullies – Group mentality comes into play here.  A group of “nice kids” find themselves joining in or observing someone getting bullied.  They know what they’re doing is wrong and don’t stop it, but none of these kids bully anyone by themselves.

7- Gang of bullies – This is a group of kids who strategically align themsleves to gain power.  This can be a scary bunch because they lack any sort of empathy or remorse.  They know they are bullies and they are OK with it.

A newer breed of bullies are now starting to use text messaging and social media.  Cyber bullying has become more and more common as these communication pathways have become popular.  The trick with these types of bullies is that they can bully without being present and even at a different time than the target gets the message.  They can have anonymity and a lot of separation from the bullying event.  I think this makes cyber bullying a pretty easy thing to get away with.  It’s hard to feel sympathy when you don’t even see the person’s face.  I’ll probably do another post on cyberbullying later, but I wanted to throw that in there as something relevent.

Just knowing how many types of bullies there are can open your eyes to problems.  It’s more than just the obvious bully.  Anyone using power and fear to cause a person some sort of pain is being a bully.  Even siblings to each other.  I have a lot to say about bullying, so stay tuned for future posts or perhaps a few long articles for the Mental Health Library.

Unfortunately, sometimes we parents are partly to mostly at fault for it.  We know better, but just try to keep our fingers crossed because we have to get X, Y, or Z done right then.  Parents maybe hope for and mean the best, but get frustrated because they neglect the truth about young kids.  They can only handle so much at a time, and it is often less than you would wish for.  There’s no getting around that.

The reason I’m writing this post is because I saw something the other day that really stood out to me.  I witnessed a mom doing each of the things I am about to list.  She may have been thinking it would all work out OK, but I can’t really guess.  All I know is that everyone got to see and hear everything.

Here’s my recipe for a good old fashion store meltdown for your young kids:

1.  Take your young preschool age kids out shortly after lunch, right around nap time.  Here’s the truth - they are usually very tired.  I rarely had success when I tried taking my preschool-aged children out at that time without a nap.  Unless you have some kind of emergency, and I don’t mean a shopping emergency, just stay home or get a sitter at that time of the day!

2.  Be sure your voice is louder than your child’s, and right in their face.  What’s a preschooler supposed to take from that?  They aren’t listening to the words you say, I mean shout.  Not really.  They are mostly responding to the emotional intensity.  As I said, a better alternative is to use the proximity to deliver your directions in clearly spoken words with much less volume.

3.  After you have loudly scolded your children many times for being restless, noisy, and disobedient, continue to shop at a leisurely pace.  At some point, I don’t care what you are buying.  It is probably not quite as important as your kid being completely miserable, tired, and bored out of their mind.  That’s not the time to do half your Christmas list, shop for lots of little scrapbooking materials, or get a week’s worth of groceries.  When it starts to look bad, enact your exit strategy.  Decide you have come to the end of your shopping and start trying to find the quickest way out.  Or, do those shopping errands without your child.

Trust me, I know these mistakes because I have done them.  Those experiences made me pretty uncomfortable and I do my best to avoid those situations with my accumulation of parental wisdom.  Sometimes I push it too far or I can’t avoid difficult circumstances, but my main approach is to avoid potentially bad situations.  Problem is the mom I witnessed a few days ago looked like this was old hat for her.  She did not seem bothered that this situation kept on going, other than being quite angry for a few moments.  She just shopped and shopped, and yelled and yelled, over and over.  That was sad.

Hopefully, all you parents out there reading this can take a moment to reflect on this perspective.  Just be a little more aware of how your kids tick at various times of the day, no matter how old they are.  Maybe this tidbit of extra awareness can help you prevent a meltdown in your home today.

Obviously, Sesame Street is still on TV these days, and I believe it still has the same education nurturing spirit.  Unfortunately, it has lost some of it’s cultural significance because of the huge number of children’s TV programs available now.  But parents who grew up on it know to look for Sesame Street online and on TV.  My only real programming gripe is that half the show seems to be dedicated to just one character - Elmo.

My mom said I went to Kindergarten reading for one reason only - Sesame Street.  I apparently took to their format well and translated what I learned into my first years at school.  Repetition with music, dance numbers, skits between puppets and humans, little cartoon vignettes.  I still count to twelve sometimes with the ladybug picnic song because it’s so darn catchy.  And that immediately reminds me of the popular animated pinball segment that counted to twelve with funk rock music.  To this day I have a good appreciation of funk rock as well as counting to twelve.

I wasn’t watching pointless ‘tween sitcoms on Nick, weird shows on Cartoon Network, or an endless stream of hard-to-tell-apart little kid cartoons.  And don’t get me wrong, there are several shows for young kids out there today that are good and creative.  I’m just saying that with Sesame Street, I know my mom could sit with me and enjoy the whole hour long show along with me if she wanted.  I’m not so sure I can easily find such a delicate balance between kid and parent enjoyment from other shows.

Another key aspect is the incredible use of great music on the show from contemporary performers.  I saw a video on YouTube by Stevie Wonder that blew me away.  Superstition played live on the Sesame Street set for nearly seven minutes.  Tell me that didn’t keep a few parents interested in 1972!  I know that even today Sesame Street is known for having plenty of current acting and music performers in their episodes.  That’s an element that takes their show beyond just numbers, letters, and reading.  It’s truly entertaining and captivating.

Now with all of this praise, I must offer up a real criticism to the folks at Sesame Street about the release of some classic episodes on DVD a few years ago.  I know this isn’t recent news, but I only learned of it just this year.  A warning was included on the DVD saying that the “these early Sesame Street episodes are intended for grownups and may not suit the needs of today’s preschool child.”

Apparently there was concern about aggressive behavior between some characters, kids riding bikes without helmets, regular human adult Sesame Street characters talking to young children they didn’t know (stranger danger), and other such scenarios.  While I realize they wouldn’t probably create similar situations in today’s episodes, I think it’s insulting to parents to say that the episodes are only intended for adults.  I cannot fathom that Oscar the Grouch smoking then eating a pipe in one episode pushed young kids into smoking.  As if all sorts of daily parenting efforts would be wiped out by the occasional classic Sesame Street episode.  Really??  Give us parents some credit already.

Anyway, my respect and love for Sesame Street certainly outweighs any small grievances I may have.  For my mom, it was a part of her parenting repertoire.  For me, it was a safe haven of warm fuzzy TV learning memories.  Since so much good classic Sesame Street is now on YouTube (thank you!), I can cherry pick the best stuff to share with my own kids.

Parents, there are some good kids’ TV shows out there today, and Sesame Street still stands up as a great choice.  Education, entertainment, and compassion all rolled into one.  And if you’re feeling a little dangerous, go ahead and give the classic episodes a try.

Many parents now set aside decent sized chunks of money to fund their children’s college education.  Not everyone can do this, but it is certainly something many parents work at for years.  So when you finally start sending off some of that hard earned money and you find that your child is behaving badly, what can you do?

Here’s the crux of the issue - whoever is paying has the power.  If you are supporting your child through college, your financial support is there because you are helping them bridge the gap on the good faith that they will do their best and graduate with a degree.  But remember, it’s on a good faith assumption - they have to hold up their part of it.

What if a worst-case-scenario happens?  You find out they’ve been getting low grades and blowing off their responsibilities.  By all rights, you have every reason to pull your funding immediately - no matter how distressing that may be to your child.  You could decide to give them another chance to redeem themselves, but you would need to make your terms very clear so they understand you won’t be giving them a free ride for nothing.

You can also turn this approach to fit an adult child who is living at home for a while until they “get back on their feet.”  If your child is contributing to the good of the household in some way and being a decent person, you probably have something good to work with.  If that doesn’t sound like your situation, then you need to reevaluate what’s going on.

For example, if your son is living at home to save up money because he’s getting married in four months and has housing lined up for him and his new bride, you are probably going to be fine.  If he doesn’t keep a job for more than a few months and doesn’t seem like he looks motivated to get back out there, you will need to firm up your plan.

What is your agreement between you and your child?  Do you have it on paper?  Is there a specific end date or criterion for when they will get back out on their own?  And is this the first time you’ve done this with this child or any other one?  And…how likely are you to follow through if you really need to drop the axe and cut off financial support?  All of these questions may impact how you handle things.

When it comes down to it, your follow-through is perhaps the most important part of the equation.  A good plan is wonderful, but your ability to do what you say you will do matters the most.  Seeing a child waste an opportunity can be so heartbreaking.  It’s not an easy thing for a parent to do.  But sometimes that hard
smack of reality is the very thing an adult child needs to get them into gear.

Have any personal stories of success or heartbreak over an adult child needing some tough love?  Or were you that child that needed the wakeup call from your parents?

I found this interesting article on an Everyday Health e-newsletter that I received this morning.  It discusses the results of a study claiming that having children adds to the happiness of a married couple, but not so much for unmarried parents.

As I always say when referencing studies, this is just ONE study.  No one single study, no matter how awesome it may be, can possibly tell the whole story about a problem, situation, or subject area.  There are simply too many variables that can affect the outcome, even if there are good controls.  The more studies done on a specific “scientific question”, particularly replicating original research conditions, the more reliable the results.

That being said, the result are interesting and worth looking into.  This study apparently measured life satisfaction with the addition of children, with both married and unmarried parents.  One of the researchers suggest that if a couple is married, that signals some amount of readiness or at least willingness to become a parent.  Single or separated parents would obviously have a tougher road as well.  Even if the other parent lives  nearby, it’s not the same as having everyone under the same roof acting as a family team every day.

I would add further a bit more about the difference of a couple living together and a couple being married and living together.  A couple cohabiting together may believe that they are acting as husband and wife, but truthfully there is no lifelong commitment made.  There is no official obligation to be faithful, anyone could leave at any time or get in touch with ex’s, there’s not much red tape to untie, no vows made before others to signify complete devotion to each other.

Marriage really is more than just a piece of paper - it’s also a mindset and a life-altering decision.  To use a phrase from the researcher quoted in the article, I’m concluding that cohabiting is probably not one of those “right conditions” that helps people feel happier or more ready for parenthood.  I have seen enough in my counseling days to say I believe that.

Parenting is tough anyway, and if your relationship status is lowering your sense of security or stability, for any reason, it’s going to feel even tougher.  Granted, married people cheat and bail at times, too.  But the stats would be notably higher for cohabiting people.  Plus single and separated parents often get involved in dating and sometimes remarriage.  That’s not directly addressed in this article, but I can just imagine that any additional satisfaction may or may not balance out the stress of blending families or managing dating and parenthood at the same time.

I know my opinions about this may ruffle some feathers.  Many single parents are out there, many separated parents, and many cohabiting parents.  It may or may not have been your choice to parent in this way, or perhaps you started out being married or engaged and things turned out differently.  And if you are living with your partner and have children, this might be a good time for some self reflection about your situation.  I’m not trying to tell you that you’re a bad person.  I’m just saying that living together s simply not the most stable situation for parenthood, and from the results of the study, not the most satisfying situation either.  For the sake of you and your children, it’s worth some self reflection.

This topic can get controversial with so many parents being divorced, separated, single, dating, living together, etc.  I’d encourage some discussion and commenting.  This is my opinion, but I’d like to hear yours as well.