It’s so hard to encompass such a difficult story in one blog post. Murder-suicide. Young boys. Very troubled father. Missing mother. Dramatic and frightening death. These are just some of the powerful words that come to mind when reading or hearing about the heartbreaking story of the Powell family.

So many issues and questions came to the surface for me when I read the news on Sunday. I drew my breath in as I soaked in the details. As I realized this had been a well-planned outcome (not a spontaneous emotional act), the questions in my mind became more difficult to ask myself.

How long had Josh been planning this? Had he given any clues to his true state of mind before the explosion? What was his true state of mind? What happened to those kids, and why did he hurt them more before the explosion? Could anyone have prevented this? What about that caseworker frantically pounding on the door before the house exploded? How are they going to cope with everything they experienced? How are the extended family members going to cope with this going forward? Will anyone ever know for certain what happened to Josh’s wife, Susan? How long has Josh really been having emotional problems that he wasn’t getting help for?

I know, it’s a lot of questions. It’s a little bit like the Susan Smith situation and the Casey Anthony situation, but also very different. It involves a troubled father with public scrutiny for a two years prior to this incident; there’s no question he killed his kids, unlike the two mothers mentioned above. Also, he chose to end his life instead of continuing on. He was a “person of interest” in the disappearance of his wife, but this was before the deaths of his kids and himself.

I don’t want to make too many assumptions about his wife’s disappearance because I’m not familiar with much of the back story. However, it seems clear that the stress and scrutiny from last two years took a huge toll on his state of mind. Many news reports state that that boys were starting to reveal suspicious information about their mother. In my opinion, he chose death because his life might soon be too difficult to bear.

I feel awful and heartbroken for everyone involved. Josh’s actions were unbelievably horrible, and I wish he’d somehow gotten some kind of help before he ended everything. I don’t know if he was trying to escape from true guilt about his wife, but I’m always saddened by suicide.

I can’t describe what I feel about those two innocent boys – just thinking about it makes me lose my breath again. Those boys also lost their mother for two years. The case is apparently still unsolved, but I really fear that she lost her life as well. The extended family is divided on who’s to blame, but they all lost four members of their family. That’s a huge loss to process, especially when three happened all at once and in the public eye.

I always hope that widely public family tragedies will teach us something, make us more aware, or prevent something similar from ever happening again. I guess that’s my way of being able to live with the details in my brain. But I have to admit, sometimes it’s hard to make sense of it. When you can’t get into the brain of a person who seems set on ending their life (and sometimes another person with them), how do you find the “off switch?” before it’s too late?

Sometimes you can, sometimes you can’t. I know this one will bother me for a long time. And I’ll still have a lot of questions down the road.

This is a difficult topic, both to read and to write about. I welcome your comments and reactions.

photo credit: findingthenow

I would be hard-pressed to call some aggressive impulsive behaviors true bullying.  Bullies must have some level of social perception, an ability to predict a victim’s reaction and make adjustments to see if they can be overpowered.

I do agree it is possible to see some of the early signs of future bullying such as intentional harm to others, lack of empathy, and striking on weaker individuals.  However, it’s important to remember that preschoolers in general are starting to understand empathy and the bigger social picture.

As a parent, you may have had concerns about a child in your son or daughter’s preschool or day care class.  Or possibly someone has told you that your young child has been bullying others.  While this is obviously concerning, it’s important to remember that kids’ minds are still quite flexible at this stage of development.  They are learning and absorbing so much, and as adults we must really try not to label them too strongly.

Preschoolers who show bullying behaviors can benefit from many of the methods used with older children – taking them away from the situation, telling them clearly what they did wrong, keeping close supervision, etc.  And consequences can be useful at this age, too.

However, preschoolers cannot be expected to understand as much about social self-management as a nine-year-old would or a twelve-year-old would.  They still need to be taught and redirected on a regular basis, even those who aren’t showing bullying behaviors.

Readers, have you seen bullying behaviors in your children at a preschool age?  Has another child shown these behaviors towards one of your children at that age?  What did you do?

<UPDATE> Thank you so much to everyone who has written in so far.  There’s already been a huge response and I thank you for sharing your stories and thoughts!

photo credit: Philip Clifford

www.psycheducation.org

First, this is written by a psychiatrist, Dr James Phelps of Corvallis, Oregon.  I can tell just by reading a number of pages that he is personally writing everything.  He references many research articles and other websites as he goes along.  This not only adds credence and support for his writing, but it also gives you another resource for your own use.  He seems to try to make everything read as good, “plain English.”  He uses medical terms where necessary, but there’s a nice personal touch to it.

Second, there is a LOT of great information here.  The front page gives several avenues for you to explore, including a a great deal on bipolar and mood swings, panic disorder, brain chemistry and images, hormones and mood (nothing on post-partum depression, but a lot on PMS and PMDD), social anxiety, and other general resources.

The one thing I wish was a little different here is that the front page is a little visually disjointed.  You can certainly get around, and there are many things on the front page, but as a very visual person it strikes me as just a little awkward.  It’s a small complaint and I am certainly willing to deal with that because of the outstanding value of the entire site.  But in that case, I do wish it had a search function so I could punch in a term and find everything relevant.

Maybe I’m spoiled because many websites now have search functions, but that’s the only thing I believe is truly missing.  However, I’ve also been pleasantly surprised about what I’ve come across as I’ve explored. So if you put your “explorer hat” on, you’ll enjoy roaming through the site.

Dr. Phelps presents his information with confidence but certainly tries to be transparent with any sort of doubt with a particular issue (whether his own or professional controversy within a topic).  This is refreshing because he doesn’t come across as knowing everything or having the only solution to something.

Please check this out and bookmark it.  This site has so much information I haven’t even seen yet – find out for yourself and enjoy!
Man with computer photo available from Shutterstock

That’s a pretty strong statement, but there’s a lot of truth to it.  Many girls who grow up without involved dads have trouble with romantic relationships or men in general.  Kids who live have trauma or abuse often have chronic emotional difficulties.  And addiction issues can often be traced back to problems or key relationships from childhood.

The expert, Dr Rajita Sinha, explained that the social nature of humans was a huge protective factor against ongoing stress from this vulnerable time.  She also named education, optimism, and emotional regulation as other important factors.

Though I enjoyed the way this article worked through the topic, I found myself not liking the way it ended – I was left wanting more.  Mostly, I wish the writer would have finished her thoughts about how the interview (through the end) affected her viewpoint.  She outlined her own personal difficulties and stressful circumstances, but didn’t add how she thought the protective factors might apply in her own case.

I admit, I may be looking for too much here.  Maybe she wanted to keep the expert as the focus.  Perhaps the writer didn’t want to expose that much personal information (though she started that way, which is why I expected that at the end).  And if that’s the case, I’ll certainly understand that she ended it with expert quotes instead.  In any case, it’s a good thing to look at our lives on purpose like this, whether privately or openly.

If we’re going to talk about resilience and protection from the chronic effects of childhood stress, that personal reflection must be there for each of us.  We have to be able to see the connections, the good and the bad, from childhood situations to the way we do things now – whether it’s good, ugly, or some of both.  I believe that even people with terribly difficult childhoods can live a better life if they get and sustain meaningful social connections.  It may have had more benefit if they’d gotten social support as a child, but I think later is still better than never.

What do you think?  How have stressful times from your childhood affected you?

photo credit: Nataraj Metz

Today I wanted to add to that sharing experience with a few extra tips.  I found an article on this website, Public Safety Canada, with some good suggestions for many people involved in a bullying situation.  When you click through, I hope you find what applies best to your situation.  It’s one long list, so keep scrolling through the entire page.

Here it is again – Public Safety Canada – First Steps to Stop Bullying

Keep in mind that bullying has these four elements (quoted from the site):

• Unequal power: One child has more power than the other child (or at least it seems that way to the children involved)
• Hurtful actions: Physically or psychologically harmful behaviour takes place (see table page 2)
• Direct and indirect actions: The behaviour may be face-to-face or behind one’s back
• Repetitive behaviour: The hurtful actions keep happening so the child being hurt finds it more and more difficult to escape

If you are a parent with a bullying situation you can’t control well, you need backup.  You may find that you need to go outside of your immediate family for support, and that is fine.  It’s a lot better than continuing to struggle.  Find a family friend, an adult in your extended family, or someone else your bullying child looks up to or at least interacts with regularly.

What this adult needs to be able to do is to demonstrate that they support your attempts to stop the bullying. Period.  You may need them to come talk to your child, enforce a consequence, or just verbally support you in front of the child.  They can also help by separating or supervising the children with the problematic interactions.  Since a lot of bullying goes on in the dark corners, you almost can’t get too much help with this part.  More supervision means you can reduce opportunities for problems.

Sometimes, this support person might be your shoulder to cry on at times.  If they can’t be involved physically sometimes, it does you good to get their encouragement and privately blow off a little steam.

Please note that if you are one of the siblings being bullied (as an adult or a minor child), you need a support person, too!  If you can find just one person to help you through this, you’ll feel less discouraged and more confident about the choices you need to make.  If you have more than one person, great!  But just one can make a huge difference.

Hang in there, folks.  This is tough stuff.  And I feel tremendous respect for anyone who chooses to share their story or questions here.  I hope this blog gives you some strength and hope in your struggles.

Take care.

photo credit: mikedemers

I’ve noticed a few comment “conversations” that have gone back and forth among some of the readers here, especially on some of the depression posts and the bullying posts.  It’s unfortunate, but those are popular right now on this blog.  Many people are hurting at a time when society tells us we should all put on a smiley face and love everything.

But here’s the truth – unchecked bullying and abuse can persist into adulthood.  And when families gather, the simultaneous favoritism and ignorance shows under the spotlight.  People who have always been the target often feel shunned or blamed.  They see the same things going on now that went on during their childhood.  Their sibling/parent/step-parent abuses or bullies them and nobody does a thing about it.  The bully/abuser gets off the hook with every excuse and explanation, and the target is a whiner that can’t ever do enough right. Each person’s story is a little different, but one theme is clear.  It’s the same-old same-old, and it still hurts.

Some people have had enough and decide to change their holiday plans.  They’ll still see their mom, but only in private and without the relative that causes the bad cycle to persist.  They’ll make a person visit to one or two people that truly support them, but they’ll avoid the big family gathering that makes them want to hide.  They’ll accept their situation for what it is and realize they have the power to make their holidays different.  Nobody in their family feels a need or even gets what the problem is.  So be it.  Healthy sometimes means limited and well-chosen family contact.

If you are facing a decision like this or are wondering how you can make it through another holiday with so-and-so being there, you aren’t alone.  Not by a long-shot.  If family time seems more harmful than joyful, just remember that you have the power to make change.  Even if your family isn’t willing to do it, you can have a peaceful holiday by making different choices.  Maybe not this year. Maybe not even next year.  Or maybe, you’ll decide yet this weekend that it has to be different.  Whatever you do, it’s OK.  It’s your journey and you can take a different turn when you see the need to.  Just because the road stays the same doesn’t mean you have to keep driving on it.

I’m so proud of those who are making these tough decisions right now and those who have already done so.  It’s hard, but it can bring peace.  If you’re still on the fence about this issue, I encourage you not to give up on achieving this peace.  It’s worth a lot.

Take care, everyone.

photo credit: Michael Connell

A few months ago, one of my readers asked about bullying in step-families.  I attempted to search the internet about news articles, blogs, or just something about the issue to help me out.  For whatever reason, perhaps just not enough different search attempts, I didn’t come up with much at the time.  I was frustrated, but I knew I needed to come back to it with a fresh mind and try again.

I did just that a few minutes ago.  Wow – I must have hit the right keywords because I found some pretty interesting search results.

-Eight website or blog pages referencing a question or story about bullying from one step-sibling to another
-A recap of an MTV show episode about a “pretty boy” that bullies his step-brother
-A book about bullies and bullying in general
-One story about how a much older step-brother who stood up to the bullies harassing his kid step-brother.

Mostly people asking questions – the bullying targets, parents, other family members.  Only one result produced an authoritative resource for someone to follow.  I’m not saying the answers on the websites would have been off-track, I’m just saying I thought I might see a few more websites with strategies, a unified message, someone leading the way.  Someone saying, “Bullying can happen in all families, even step-families – here are ways to prevent it and stop it.”

Makes me think back to the news.  Most of the news we hear about bullying is in the school setting.  This absolutely needs to be addressed, no doubt.  However, I wonder if many people generally accept some level of bullying as a part of regular family life.  What some people get away with in their own homes may not be tolerated if their child was reporting the problem as coming from school.

I know that family bullying is more difficult to deal with because the situations often occur in private homes.  Physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse – it’s all bullying. All of it. It’s hard to talk about because it’s filled with shame.  But the lack of leadership (as I’ll call it) somewhat reflects the relative lack of focus on what I believe is the bigger issue.

Bullying attitudes and actions often originate, or are allowed to develop, in the family.  In many cases, a step-family has more opportunities for tension and competition between siblings for attention and acceptance.  This certainly isn’t the case in all step-families, but the risk does exist because some sort of loss, pain, or displacement frequently comes with the deal.  A family member who doesn’t handle this well may turn to bullying to feel some sense of control or power.

Just focusing on school bullying gets you about two or three steps past a more impactful starting point.  However, this point is also a far less accessible.  It starts with community, with relationships, with people who aren’t going to endorse or tolerate intentionally hurtful
acts from one person to the next.

Every family needs to be watchful of potential bullying under their roof – 100% biological, adoptive, foster, half-siblings, whatever.  And though I don’t have the benefit of research or statistics right now, I’d say many step-families ought to especially keep an eye out for it.

I don’t have a total answer here – this issue is bigger than just me.  I want to know what you think, readers.

photo credit: Cayusa

Since this is a blog about Family and Mental Health, I’d like to create a Thanksgiving post to suit many different people this year.

First, many of you are going to be joining other family or friends this year.  Hopefully, you’ll have at least a few hours to spend with the ones you love.  I know I’m thankful for having the opportunity to create memories with my in-laws last week and my side of the family Thanksgiving Day and Friday.  I’m thankful so many people I know are in good health.  I’m thankful that we’ve had another year with many people I love.  Please share below what you’re thankful for.

Second, some of you are going to be missing someone this year at the Thanksgiving table. That might be a grandparent, parent, child, another relative, or a close friend.  It’s not going to be quite the same, and it might be difficult at times.  There are no magic words to take the sting away, but do know that the depth of your loss is a measuring stick for how meaningful your relationship was.  And anything that has meaning like that is something you can cherish, even if it has come to an end.  Thanksgiving may mean something a little different for you this year.

Third, some of you may be alone this year.  You may be unable to travel, too far away from anyone you normally share Thanksgiving with, feeling too sick to be with others, feeling too much tension to be around your family, or maybe even suffering from undiagnosed or untreated mental illness.  If this is your situation, you may find it challenging to feel thankful or positive around this holiday. Perhaps it’s a good time to start a different tradition.  Or maybe it’s just a temporary hiccup this year.  Maybe you can still find your own way to have a private moment of thanks, even if it feels like you’re on the outside looking in.

Fourth, some of you will be around some very difficult people at the holidays, including this one.  You may have a few people you love to see that are at the same event as people you’d rather avoid like the plague.  It may feel like you’re walking through a mine field before you even get to the table.  If someone is present that has truly hurt you or could be hurtful to you during your gathering, it’s OK to make a Plan B.  Bring a buddy who’s willing to leave with you if you feel threatened.  Or, it might be better to simply become busy with other plans and decline the invitation. You could make individual contact with family members you really want to connect with at another time and avoid the public gathering.

Here are some interesting and useful posts from the past that might be good to read this weekend.

Family Pain And Good Living – They Can Coexist Together

Relationship Rituals Strengthen Family Ties

Getting Through Family Pain

A Healthy Parent Does Better Parenting – This can apply to anyone during the holidays, not just parents!

Depression During The Holidays

Telling Your Family Stories

Family Holiday Stress Part 1

Family Holiday Stress Part 2

photo credit: CameliaTWU

Well, I decided this post doesn’t have to do all that.  I actually have a lot to say, and it’s just all been hanging in suspension since the beginning of it all.  You may hear trickles of this for a while, and no doubt, this will be in the news for some time to come.

It’s also a little close to home because the other football team on the field last Saturday was my alma mater.  I’m glad the teams and coaches were at midfield for a few moments with Coach Brown.  Just having the reflection, the time, and the focus on something so somber and “real life” – it was a much needed pause in such a crazy week.

Aside from that, a lot of what’s wrong with this situation is what makes all forms of abuse so devastating.  Shame, control, abuse of power, injury (emotional, mental, or physical), lack of taking responsibility, twisted reality, minimization, alternate reality, lying (to oneself and others), and perhaps the worst of all – coverups.  The victims are left to fend for themselves while the perpetrators, in many cases, move on with life without taking responsibility.  And likely do it again to someone else.

All of these elements are part of abuse whether it happens at a lonely farmhouse, a suburban ranch home, the basement of a downtown building, an apartment in a crowded city, or the locker room of a major college athletic department.  It’s all the same because everyone involved is a human being.

We all have the potential to be on either the dark side or the light side of abuse.  If you aren’t shining a virtual light on a problem to the point that it stops, then you are on the dark side.  Simple as that.

The coaches at Penn State shone a small light, then turned it off before it the darkness was truly choked out and stopped.  Just a little more light held just a little longer, and the abuse could have been stopped completely.  For reasons we don’t yet know, the coaching staff remained (with their own permission) enough in the dark that more abuse occurred over several years.  Paterno’s most telling quote is that he “wished he had done more.”

That’s it for now – this is such a heavy subject, such a complicated and public story with larger-than-life figures involved.  I’ll write more about this to continue to highlight all forms of abuse – sexual, emotional, mental, physical, and even bullying.  The more we put those types of abuse in the light, the more they will truly be stopped.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and comments below and in future postings.

photo credit: RTP (Really Terrible Photographer)

If you’ve been looking for a way to get your depressed spouse some help, here’s another reason why – and possibly another way to get them into a doctor’s office for treatment.

I’ve pulled up an interesting article from Psych Central published earlier this year about untreated depression and chronic illness.  According to a research article released this past spring, prolonged untreated depression can contribute to a risk for chronic illness.  Immune cells may be damaged with chronic depression in some people, making them more likely to develop certain types of chronic illness.

Telomers are like protective caps on the ends of chromosomes in immune cells.  When these begin to shorten, the likelihood increases for early on-set of disease.  These illnesses include heart disease, diabetes, and osteoporosis.

Like many findings in science, this isn’t an A-causes-B conclusion.  It is the discovery of an association that could better explain how depression affects a person’s overall health.  And the end of the article does promote some hope.  Exercise and other positive lifestyle changes are associated with longer telomeres.  It’s not clear whether these activities can actually lengthen telomeres (reversing the shortening process) or if it can merely halt the shortening process in its tracks.

If you’re looking for a better way to get your depressed spouse help, this may be at the foundation of your reasoning.  If you know your spouse has had untreated depression for many years, take another look at their overall health.  Do they already have symptoms of a major chronic illness?  Are they currently being treated for this?  Do they look like their lifestyle choices are putting them at risk, even if you don’t see any particularly risky symptoms?

If they have regular appointments (or a need for them) to monitor a chronic condition, get to that appointment and share your concerns about depression with their doctor.  Or if they haven’t been to the doctor in a while, talk to them more about any physical complaints you hear frequently.  Help them get to the doctor for that and share anything else you can about depression symptoms that concern you.

This may seem like deception or some kind of trickery where you tattle on your spouse.  No – untreated depression is just as critical as untreated high blood pressure, untreated diabetes, or another chronic problem.  And you wouldn’t consider it an issue to tell the doctor about symptoms you thought could lead to a heart attack, stroke, or dangerous diabetic reaction, would you?  Depression can kill or contribute to an early death in a variety of ways.

More and more research connects the depression with physical health problems, and it’s good for you (and your spouse) to understand this updated perspective.

photo credit: kndynt2099