When a girl doesn’t have her father in her daily life, she really misses …

106 Comments to
Divorce – What Girls Miss When Dad Leaves The Home

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  1. Although I have never been sexually promiscuous (if anything, quite the opposite), the search for a boyfriend completely permeatimg my teenage years. All my boyfriends were older than me. Now, with a deeper knowledge of psychology and through talking in therapy, it all makes sense.

    It wasn’t simply the fact that when my parents separated my father took no interest in me that hurts; it’s also the fact that he was a philandering, wife-beating, alcoholic rapist. Yet I idealised him as a child and blamed my mother for sending him away. I will always feel guilty about this.

    • This article helps me very much. I am letting my 8 year old go live with her father for a year. She is out of control. He was a horrible husband but great father. I hope this works for her.

      • That Is so sweet mom won’t let be see my dad more than two days at a time

  2. Thanks for the post, you made some good points, surviving divorce and separation is hard to deal with especially for girls.

  3. While it’s true that the lack of my father in any meaningful role has affected me, so have the men who stepped up to make a solid father figure. My junior-high Sunday school teacher (who also became my confirmation guide–the adult I chose to talk about everything and anything spiritual/effecting my life) played a huge role–routinely taking me out to breakfast, coffee, inviting me to have dinner at his house, with his family–without him, i think it would have been much harder. I also had the influence of both my grandfathers; I talked to both at least bi-weekly–more often than I saw my father. I also had a male guidance counselor who always said “feel free to stop by if you just need to check in” but even with all these great men, until I met Boy, my best friend, something was still missing–Boy is sweetly overprotective, and will do absolutely anything to keep me safe. Without him, I’d be a gigantic mess. So; no, I’m not sexually promiscous, I used to engage in self-injurious behavior, have serious anxiety, and am in recovery from an eating disorder–but I’m lucky–I’ve got Boy (who lives 5 hours away) and he knows to say “tiger-a meal: protein, good fat, carb; veggies too, but start here” when I’m struggling.

  4. I was 19 when my parents divorced and my father remarried but even before that he wasn’t there a lot. I have very few memories of him being a part of family life and after he remarried he grew even more distant.

    I’m now 58 and have been living with major depression for 11 years. It’s only been recently, after years of talk therapy, practicing mindfulness, learning CBT skills and emotion regulation skills that I can finally acknowledge the truth of how much my father’s absence hurt me and my sisters, and how much it has affected all our lives. One sister turned to drugs and alcohol and one became promiscuous and an unwed mother at 18. Fortunately, they survived their troubled years and became healthy, productive adults. I stuffed everything down until it exploded and manifested itself in depression.

    My advice to young women going through a similar situation would be to find someone you trust and talk about what you’re feeling – don’t stuff it all inside and pretend everything’s fine!

    • Thanks you for sharing your experience :,) Im 18 years old and my parents divorce when I was 8 . I also got a severe depression like you, i have been surviving with it for 4 years but im trying hard to get out of it.
      Your advice really helped, now i know that it is possible to overcome a situation like ours and still have a succesfull result.

      Wish you luck and my best wishes to you and your sisters.

      I have hope we can do it :)

      G.Towers

  5. I was fortunate enough to grow up in a house with both parents in a very loving environment. Now that I’m 30, I can see what a huge influence that had on my growing up years. I am a very confident, non promiscuous woman with a strong family ethic. I have friends whose fathers were absent in their life and I see the negative effects it has on their adult lives. Both boys and girls benefit tremendously from having both a mother and father figure in their lives, even if it may not be their biological parents.

    I’ve learned equally from both of my parents, both from their actions and from their verbal love. It’s imperative that even parents who are separated remain friends for the sake of their child(ren).

    http://www.daniellewrites.webs.com

  6. I am passing through this, a horrible black point in my life.What it’s said it perfectly describes everything I’m passing through..a totally nightmare. I wanted so much to have a father. So, so much. I can t even describe it in words, I missed him from my life more than I can miss anything else. I can t replace him, even if my mother just married someone else, in fact even if the “new” father is a great person, now I have the feeling that he s stealing even my mother, who is the only person I trust completely in this world. She forgets about me for days…I live in other town with my studies..she calls me at 1 week..before she used to do it everyday. I m almost 21 yrs old, but the missing of my father doesn t even let me grow and be independent. I feel like I have 1 leg missing..and unsure in everything I do. I understand all the pshychological explination, but it doesn t help me with nothing..just that I understand it, and I know I m not the only one who passes through it. In fact, tonight I decided to write a letter about everything I think so I can feel released. No one wants to hear from my family about him..of course not, my mother just married..so u can imagine. Anyway, I didn t finish the letter. I don t even have tears anymore..I m passing through a nightmare every day , every night and every moment, cos it s inside of me, I m living with it.

    • Dear Alexa.I am a daddy who feels exactly the same as you after finally losing my daughter. She’ll be only 7 next valentines Day. I am 57. Sara’s mother took her away when she was nearly 3. I was a teacher in Japan when I lost my voice, and my job. I recovered and we moved back together. I was abandoned, but the removal of the one I love most was the death of me. I put EVERYTHING I had into bringing us back together, and built a strong, fun, trusting relationship with Sara. My (then) wife was the opposite of supportive, and it was so sad to see Sara caught in the middle. Increasingly it appeared that she was not allowed to like me, to please her mother. Sara was confused. She couldn’t naturally copy the spiteful attitude her mother always brought to the surface. Sara & I tried to avoid ‘angry’, and she was always quick to help me change the feeling in the room to laughter and fun. By August 2013 my voice was failing again, and Miwa (Sara’s mother) gave me the ultimatum. ‘Either you leave, or we will’. Divorce was inevitable, but my fears were for Sara. So I suggested that we divorce ‘amicably’, maintain regular contact, using Skype, so that Sara would not pass her days thinking that her daddy simply left her. Suddenly not there! Sara has no concept of time, and thinks England is in Japan. The regular Skype contact we agreed has turned out to be another broken promise. Three days ago Sara & I had our 4th Skype this year. All contact is controlled by her mother, who she probably thinks is her best friend. My (ex) wife is ‘too busy’ to Skype, so sara has to lose her father? Too busy being spiteful is probably closer to the truth. Sara has lost all her English now, but we communicated for 30 minutes in other ways. A little like we did before she could speak either language. No male could EVER love my Sara more than I do, and every moment of every day for me is painful beyond words. There is nothing more that I can lose, and, of course, my little darling doesn’t know. I had hoped that we could limit the damage to Sara of separation and finally divorce, and with every passing day that there is no contact I grieve for Sara. I post on facebook in the hope that some day soon she can see how happy we were, how possible contact is, and to show her that I NEVER once stopped loving her and thinking about her, and tried EVERYTHING to let her know that. There is only one cure for the disease I have – large doses of my whole reason for being. Many daddies possibly give up hope, marry again and even have other children. I would rather be alone with my sadness. My constant spiritual prayer is for ALL children, (including Sara’s mother), because we were ALL once children, and I did love Sara’s mother. None of us asked to be born. If it’s of any comfort, it includes you, your mother and the father you miss so consciously and dearly. I wish you peace. Michael.

    • Dear Alexa.I am a daddy who feels exactly the same as you after finally losing my daughter. She’ll be only 7yrs next valentines Day. I am 57. Her mother took her away when she was nearly 3. I was a teacher in Japan when I lost my voice, and my job. I recovered and we moved back together. I was abandoned, but the removal of the one I love most was nearly the death of me. I put EVERYTHING I had into bringing us back together, and built a strong, fun, trusting relationship with my little girl after nearly 2 years apart. My (then) wife was the opposite of supportive, and it was so sad to see ‘our little angel’ caught in the middle of a failing marriage. Increasingly it appeared that she felt she was not allowed to like me, to please her mother. I could see her confusion. She couldn’t naturally copy her mother without turning on her daddy. She & I tried to avoid ‘angry’, and she was always quick to help me change the feeling in the room to laughter and fun. But by August 2013 my voice was failing again, and I was given an ultimatum. ‘Either you leave, or we will’. Divorce was inevitable, but my fears were for our daughter, who was also my whole world. I knew she would be well cared for, but I disagreed that a father was unimportant. I had resisted my wifes’s request(s) to divorce for nearly 4 years. So I suggested that we divorce ‘amicably’, maintain regular contact, using Skype, so that our little girl, who we both love, would not pass her days thinking that her daddy simply left her. Suddenly not there! A 6 yr child has no concept of time. And spatially she only understands 2 or 3 train changes, and thinks England is in Japan. I had little choice but to concede to a divorce – for hopeful reasons of it being ‘amicable’, as agreed. To protect our child from the usual spitefulness of a non-adult divorce. Our little girl was almost excited: Grandma would have mummy’s bike & mummy would have daddy’s. The regular Skype contact we agreed, and tested together, has turned out to be another broken promise. Three days ago we had our 4th Skype in a year. All contact is controlled by her mother, who she trusts, (half of me hopes), but is ‘too busy’ to Skype. So a daughter has to lose her loving father? (Too busy being spiteful is probably closer to the truth). My little girl has lost all her English now, but we communicated for 30 minutes in other ways, like we did before she could speak either language. No male could EVER love my daughter more than I do, and every moment of every day for me is painful beyond words. There is nothing more that I can lose, and, of course, my little darling doesn’t know. I had hoped that we could limit the (possible)damage to a little, innocent girl, yet another victim of separation and finally divorce in our case. But with every passing day that there is no contact I grieve. I post on facebook in the hope that some day (soon) she can see how happy we were, how possible contact is, and to show her that I NEVER once stopped loving her and thinking about her, and tried EVERYTHING to let her know that. There is only one cure for the disease I have – large doses of my whole reason for being. Many daddies possibly give up hope, marry again and even have other children. I would rather be alone with my sadness. She was my life. My constant spiritual prayer is for ALL children, (including Sara’s mother – and her parents), because we were ALL once children, and I did love my daughter’s mother. None of us asked to be born. If it’s of any comfort, my prayer includes you, your mother and the father you miss so consciously and dearly. It’s my only hope, to combat the bitterness of divorce visited upon innocent children, and my own depression. Depending upon how a divorce is approached, with the little ones’ at heart, 4 years could make a lot of difference in a positive way. I wish you peace, and hope that you have already found it. Michael.

  7. well im one of those cases where my dad left when i was very young because my parents got in a divorce. my dad has been on and off in my life. he would always make promises he couldnt keep. and when i was young i didnt understand why. now that im older i tryed to keep in contact with him but that does no good. cause my mom gets mad asking me “WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE CONTACT WITH HIM HE HASENT BEEN THERE FOR you .WHY???” so i was starting to get a feeling that my mom is jelous of me trying to keep in contact with my dad. so it makes me not want to call him. but i really want my dad . its sad to think this man has kids he dosent even talk to. it makes me sad everytime i think about it. and i would have to say having no father figure in my life makes me really clingy to guys. sence i didnt get that male attention when i was young.

    • Hi I am in a similar situation except I made contact with my dad recently. I had been thinking about it for ages and I was near his home a few days ago so decided very spare of the moment to stop by having no contact details I was not able to for warn him.

      He was very welcoming and told me seeing him had made him very happy, however I now have to tell my mum and step dad, I am really not looking forward to this, but I instantly felt better after I did it, mainly due to the happy response I recieved from my dad. I hope you find the strength to do this and also have a positive experience, I think for me the biggest thing was not knowing

    • I can really relate to what you said. I am going through the same thing now, but my big brother (my rolemodel) is going to live at my dads house, which hurts me a lot. And makes me angry / dissapointed at my dad. I would appreciate it , if you could let me know what you did with that situation.

      Rosemary.

  8. my mum and dad were never really together from the get go to be honest, but my dad did see me regularly till i was about 4 or 5 when he met another woman and ended up having 2 children with her. I just couldnt be part of his life anymore. He moved away and i saw him once every few years and his wife treated me like dirt. We just stopped talking after that.
    Then, when i was 16, he phoned and said he was moving to New Zealand. My dad isnt a horrible man, he’s clever and very kind, he just doesnt know how to put his foot down.
    i’d like to go visit my dad someday. fly to NZ but i know that my mum would get upset. she’s raised me pretty much on her own (she is married now and i have 2 younger sisters and a younger brother who all see there dad everyday and i guess im a little jealous.) if i ever mention it she says it would hurt me if you went to live with him.
    it’s difficult.

    • Honey you gotta go with what’s inside you.
      HOnour your own feelings. It’s a huge step to go seek your father, and as I’ve done this I can only say I high;y recommend not to speak about it with your mum until after you’ve met him. FInd someone else to confide in. I say this with love, as your mum will always want to protect you as she has raised you.
      Good luck.
      T

  9. when i was about 3 my parents got devorced because of my dads drinking addiction, and my mom was in the army so most of the time she was gone and i was usually with some friends of hers, so i didnt really have a mother or a father figure till i was about 7years old and my mom married a guy named sean and he was the best dad ever untill 1 year later when he cheeted on her and they got devorced! so for about 4 years me and mom were on our own untill a guy named joe came along and she seems to love him, but hes nothing like a father to me at all! so now im 13 allmost 14 and i feel like no one cares about me and it kinda hurts but the reason i wanted 2 tell you about my life is so you dont mess up your childs life with a mistake of your own!

  10. at a very young age my father began having an affair with another woman who had been working with him at his job. we had thought she was a friend or relative when he brought us around her but when we realized who she really was, my father’s mistress, everything changed. we realized he was cheating on my mother who hes been married to for the past 20years which began to change everything. he would leave for long periods of time saying how he didnt love us and breaking my older brother’s toys. he never once said he was sorry to this day. it has affected me because all those times he left us alone with our mother we needed him the most. but instead he would rather be with his mistress. i am now an 18year old, with two half brothers and a half sister that i have gained from his affair. i have trouble when in relationships because i tend to look for all the qualities my father doesnt have. everytime i feel a guy is getting too close i push him away for fear that i might loose him when i finally begin to care for him. im not in a sexual relationship nor have i ever had one. but i realized that the reason i cannot form a formal attatchment to someone is because i had that attatchment as a young girl and saw how it back fired and i felt extremely rejected and never want to feel that way againin my life. he seriously hurt me in so many ways and i will have to suffer with all of this for the rest of my life. he isnt completely to blame but for most, he is. if he hadnt had that affair, if he hadnt left us all those times, if he hadnt pushed us away, how different would my life be? it is definitely questionable.

  11. Hello, my current girlfriend grew up without a father and has hatred towards him. We are having a hard time connecting on a caring and close relationship. But when she is intoxicated she is either vary affectionate or standoffish. She is an amazing woman and I want things to work for us so pleas can someone help me.

  12. Heii, well i find that some of this is really true. my parents split when i was 10 and by 12 or 13 they were divorced. I had to live with my mother cuz to the law i wasn’t old enough to choose for my self who i wanted to live with. i’m almost 17 now and still live with my mother, my father lives almost 2hours away so i only see him every other weekend. I love spending time with him so i do my best not to plan things on thoes weekends. anyway when they first split my dad was still in the area so i used to thing he didn’t love me and till i was almost 13 i thought it was my fault they split. it still hurts when i think of it but he always told me it wasn’t mine or my brothers fault, it was just cause him n my mother had to many problems, and he always tells us he loves us =) … No i did not try to replace my dad with a boyfried, i was still young to know what sex was, so that didnt cross my mind. but you do need a man in your life that makes you feel safe. I was happy that my dad made an efort to stay in contact with my brother and i cuz 1)I was Daddy’s Little Girl.(always was and always will be) and 2)cuz i could always talk to him mre than my mother. my mother and i fight alot since i started high school so i was able to get away from it at my dad’s. I feel bad for the girls that never had that feeling of pertection, and it shouldn’t be replaced with a sexual partner cuz they might make you feel safe in bed but what about out in the world, Do you feel safe when your alown or do you Need the guy with you at all times. My mother still gets mad at me and tells me to move with my dad but when i try doesn’t make me leave. I’ll admit yes it was hard at first always crying cuz i missed my dad but i got older and understod. Again I’m happy for the protection i feel ad get from my father. i would probably be like some old friends that depended on their bfs for everything and wouldnt b the same person i am. i’m also happy that he was able to teach me alot, not so much for the protectiveness i have when im out late with friends (i need to know they got home safe, and never let them go alown) but i love the additude i got from him cuz no one messes with me cuz whoever knows me knows i wont take crap n thats all thnxs to my dad n i love him for it. my life would be soooooo much different if he wasnt in my life ( even though its only everyother weekend)
    thats a quick way of writing what i went through and am still going through.

  13. In most cases you can thank the mother for making the father a visitor and rarely involved. Ironic that their own decisions to marginalize the father and focus on his money make it more difficult on the children. Marriage is pointless. I am so glad I had a prenuptial agreement to protect me. 1x is enough for me.

    If you are involved with a woman with “daddy” issued, dump her. She is a broken person who can’t be helped and will drag you down with her, if you let her. I support no fault divorce but I don’t support histrionic, irrational women marginalizing the importance of a father, which is all too often the case. Children are not property.

    • I don’t necessarily beleive you should throw her out like garbage, although you are right about children not being property. I’ve been through two of my mothers divorces, and the last was particularly rough, seeing as this man had raised me for 11 years. Divorce sucks, and it causes emotional scars, so if the girl is worth it, stand by her. She will need you more than ever, and there’s no telling what she could do if you broke her heart for that reason.

    • I suspect that you had 2 parents growing up Ben. How nice for you. Many like myself didn’t have that privilege and unless you’ve been there, you are not in any position to judge.
      A relationship takes two.
      Get to know a person fully before you judge them.!
      I also suspect you do not have any children of your own.
      May you be blessed to have children to the same woman and manage to keep the marriage together. I hazard a guess your lessons are only about to begin.
      All the best.
      My father left my mother while she was pregnant with me. Will you be one of these men Ben?
      I challenge you to disect and analyse this.
      I’ve held a relationship for 20 years, have had two children to my husband. Oh and I grew up without my father!!!!
      Everyone’s situation is unique pal.

      • @Ben I am just shocked at the comment that Ben made about females being broken just because they are without a dad. What an ugly myth that we have spread in this country and only this coun try. The people in this country are so fixated on praising men that now there is a fad to demean and ridicule fatherless females. What next??
        Listen Ben, and to those of you who believe that a female is not whole because dad is not in her life. Listen, the woman, the mother, is the most important parent for a daughter and SHE CAN raise that girl to be strong and love her self with high self esteem. I grew up with a fine man as a dad in the house. But, my mother is the one who talked to and guided my sisters and I about men and self esteem. My mother is the one who helped me have high esteem.I have friends who still have dads and some of them are so confused. It ain’t got a da___ thing to do with a dad/man. Stop exalting men and stop spreading this mytrh. The young females in this country are gullible enough without you all telling them this lie.
        A girl is NOT validated by her dad nor her husband when she grows up. STOP this crazy myth now!!!!!
        Women, stop buying these crazy myths about dad being more important than the woman who gives you life, love, nurture, and everything else. How dare you people invalidate my mother and all the mothers in the world.

  14. I am divorced, and my girls’ father and I have worked hard to allow both of us to stay in our girls’ lives. It’s working out well. I think he is a being a better father now that we are apart. The girls are in a better environment and growing up loved by two parents, in two homes. Divorce doesn’t have to be a disaster, but the parents have to work at getting along and not use the children as bargaining chips between them. Children first.

  15. When my parents divorced, I was 15…I am 20 now. My father moved 600 miles away. I entered therapy about 6 months ago and learned that my father is truly narcissistic. I did some research on the disorder, and he fits the description entirely. It helped me understand why it was, and is, so easy for my father to have so little contact with me. I talk to him about once or twice a week, but that’s only because I call him. He has only called me without initial prompting from me once in 5 years, and that was after he found out that was in therapy, and he wanted to know what was so bad that I couldn’t tell him about, but the conversation included incredible guilt trips. I only see him about 2 or 3 times a year, just on holidays. It’s tough realizing that he just really doesn’t care, or, he cares just enough so that he still retains the image of an “ideal” father that has dealt remarkably well in tough circumstances. If only.

    Since I have come to learn that I really “lost” my father long before the divorce (if I ever truly had one), it makes more sense to me as to why I have actually completely withdrawn from relationships with men. I am convinced that I will be seen as a person not worth keeping around, so I just don’t take the risk of being rejected or abandoned. I completely missed out on the confidence I could have gained if my dad had actually been there for me.

  16. I never knew my father, and met him when I was 32….I wrote a poem called, “The Fatherless Child”…it is on my website: http://www.churchabusepoetrytherapy.com

    I don’t think I thought much about (too busy trying t survive a physically and verbally violent mother, extreme poverty (no car, refrigerator, phone, etc)….this was the 50 and 60′s……I’ve never thought it affected to me, but i would imagine it has, although subconsciously.

    • I suggest you try Holistic Pulsing.
      This will help shift the energy stored within you and help you on your road to recovery.

  17. After reading this article i felt like the worst person ever my dad left us since we were little and the mom follow him and one of my moms sister raised us until i was 16 yrs old and then we came to the states to live with our parents, i always promised my self that i wasnt going to do the same to my kids, now am separated and my daughter lives with her mom in florida, i miss my little one so much, am in the military and you see a lot of this situations here.

  18. I too am in the military. I am 29 years old and I have an ex-husband and a current husband. I have read nearly every post, Most of them involve a divorce. But what about those who don’t? For the past 10 plus years I have found myself encouraging the split of my parents. They haven’t been inlove since I was 12 years old. They got married because they were pregnant with me. So everytime I think of how old I am I think to myself, how much longer are they going to stay like this? Its so unhealthy for them to stay together and I honestly can’t make any excuses for why they should be together other than that they believe in the bible and the benefits of marriage over singlehood. But not to get off subject here, the real reason for sharing my post is about the relationship I have with my father. When I was born, I also had a sister from my mom’s first marriage. My dad admitted that he was never really excited about having children. But when I was just 4 months old, my mom got pregnant again with twins this time. My mom told me about how dad reacted to the news. Now he is a man that turned into a husband, step-father, and a father to three of his own with my mother. Although we had our ups and downs being raised, they were normal issues and my dad was truely an awesome dad. When the boys and I reached our pre-teens, my dad became less involved with us all together. He often admitted that teenagers are never a good thing and it was interpreted to us as we were a lost cause so we often used this to our advantage to get away with alot. But I really wanted my dad to give me curfew, and tell me I can’t date until im a certain age, teach me about the bible the way he knew it. Everytime I tried to reachout to him, he acted as though I was interupting him from something he would rather be doing than to talk to me. My other siblings share a similar view but mine is unique because I was the only real daughter of his. Now I have told you about my older half-sister, and my twin brothers who were born a month after my 1st birthday. Now I will tell you how my little sister came about. I was now 12. My parents were going through there first attempt to divorce. In Maryland it can take a long time to finish a divorce so my mom moved on to dating a guy from work, but she became pregnant with this man. My mom brought alot of shame into our family houshold and at a crucial time inmy youth. I now had witnessed my mother commit adultery and defiled the bed by having another mans child. When my dad found out, instead of rejecting her he asked to come back home and he became my little sisters legal father. So now I had 4 siblings but I was still daddy’s only true daughter. And yes I did take a ittle pride in that. But as I grew up things changed for me. My older sister and baby sister both got more attention from my dad than I ever did. My older sister because she was the first to drive a car and to argue back and rebell in high school and with boys. My little sister took the rest of his attention because she was a baby and my dad has always been a first responder to giving all of his love, affection and attention to us as little kids. I carried on with this feeling of emptiness and watched myself becoming less important to him. I entered the Army in the year 2000. I was 18. I had managed to stay a virgin until I was a legal adult but I gave it to my boyfriend that I was leaving behind to join the military. For the first two years I was mostly occupied with becoming a soldier and loving everything about it that I didnt pay attention to the fact that I ran as far away as I could from my dad and the pain he caused rejecting me as his daughter. Now I faced an army of men so you can guess what happened. I started passing through boyfriends and sexual adventures like a bad peice of candy in your mouth. Quick to move on before I could feel attachment to someone. This eventually caught up with my when I became pregnant with my first son. I married his daddy just like my mom and dad did with me. I realized that I had become my parents. While married I had constant daddy issues because now I commited to this man but didn’t exactly think everything through when i did it. It caused me to habitually lie and I would find reason’s to stay late at work just to avoid coming home to my husband. Our marriage ended due to adultery between us both. I had another son with him before we split. I am now remarried to a good man that I have made very aware to the sins and things I did wrong in my first marriage, but he refuses to believe he can’t trust me and I love him for that. My only problem now is that I may never feel whole unless I confront my father with everything he put me through, tell him how much I have missed him taking interest in me growing up. I want to stop being affraid to let him know all this. I want to stop cheating and lying to myself that things are fine. I don’t want to fail at my second marriage because I never had the courage to fix the problem I was letting affect my relationships with other men. If I had done it sooner I would have saved myslef years of sinning in fornication.

  19. well i always had a father but i never knew him until i was 7.. my parents were married, just had a long distance relationship.. and i finally met him at age 7 everything was going great till he died 2 yrs later. when i tured 9.. i was really sad, my mom got depressed. i saw her everyday depressed, crying, sad.. all by herself.. and this broke my heart, i wanted to die. i can never forget that day, or month, or year.,. and i know now, from this article, why i am who i am.. i am still a virgin, but always want love and attention from guys. i know its wrong but its just a feeling inside you that you cant help.. i hve low self-esteem. i guess i just want a guy to love me and say im beautiful and what not..

    • Never give up. You have to be there for your mom, and never let a guy use you. YOU ARE WORTH IT. Find a hobby that you feel good at, it will help boost your self esteem

  20. How exactly could you help a girl get past this? I was recently in a relationship with a girl who’s parents have just gotten divorced about a year to 2 years ago, and her dad has completley disappeared/became an alcoholic. I tried being over compensating and giving her all that i could, but it made me seem desperate so naturally she lost attraction. I spent the next month or so trying to get her back, really just pushing her away, and she basically was completely disgusted with me. Were decent with each other now, but every time i see her she is desperately seeking attention from other guys (who most of the time are trashy/not good for her.) she also seems to be drinking a lot. I want to hep her, weather it means her being back in my life or not, but do not know how to do so.

    • If you really want to help her, you have to understand that she isn’t really dating material at this point. If you choose to simply be her platonic friend, that can be helpful. Suggest a counselor, suggest that she cut down on her drinking or maybe learn more about alcohol counseling if she can’t control it. It’s possible that stepping away might be more helpful. It depends on your dynamic with her. If it’s destructive and dramatic, then you may really need to take a break.

      Maybe just keep it casual but let her know you are able to be her friend, if she wants that. She’s probably in a really bad place right now and does need people who care around her. But if you try to make it a dating thing, you’ll keep getting this push/pull and it won’t help her at all. Best wishes on this situation.

  21. You are correct. My father left when I was young and my mother never remarried. Growing up he never called or even sent a b day card. We received an invitation to go to the family reunion on my dads side from my dads mom. When we called to tell her we were going to come, she told us not to and that she was just being nice. She said that if we come then her son (our dad) won’t come. Imagine how that makes you feel, your own blood father doesn’t want to see u. Well, I have had the hardest time with men throughout my life. Stayin in abusive relationships and looking for that acceptance from a male figure. I hate this and wish I would get over this. It is ruining my relationships.

  22. everything written in this article resonated as true to me. my father had an affair with a shopkeeper across the street from my parents’ restaurant. the whole thing was a sordid – and public – affair and divorce. i felt boy crazy once i got to college and away from my strict mother. huge mistake! i gave away my virginity. i got pregnant and had an abortion. two huge mistakes i never told my parents. i latched onto men – older men in particular – who could not wait to get a teenager in a compromising position. my self esteem was pretty non-existent. that followed me into the working world. i slept with coworkers or naval officers i met at private parties. one of them gave me an std, which still makes me feel dirty every time i think have to go for a pap smear or think about wanting a baby. today i have the opposite problem – too much self-esteem and too little patience with people. i not only protect myself from men (sometimes even my husband) but also from women (including my mother in law who is great). when i do feel a connection with someone – usually a stranger – i open up like a firehydrant and give away too much personal info after which i feel scared for having told family secrets. my husband loves me and i love him and and his family yet my childhood still gets the better of me, which is when i become withdrawn, angry, and/or depressed. i have cried for myself as a little girl; trying to forgive that little girl for growing up into a loose young and stupid woman; trying to forgive myself for having an abortion or being so cavalier with my innocence and virginity in the first place. it is a terrible thing for girls to lose a father. i am scarred and probably in ways i don’t yet understand. i try to put on a happy face everyday but inside the pain can feel as fresh as the day i watched my father walk away. triggers can be anything from a song or seeing a father buy his daughter ice cream. i have so few good memories of my father. i do remember my father coming into my bed once to sleep not long before the divorce and i tried to touch his penis. i must have been around five years old and i wish i could forget that memory altogether because it is so disgusting and embarrassing to me. after the divorce nothing about life was normal or even close to normal! today i feel like a fraud. i look well put together and all of that good first impression stuff but i know the truth inside and i fear people won’t like me and don’t like me because i have an edge that can come out suddenly if i lose my patience. dads are so important and i hope no girl ever has to go through what i did ever again.

    • Thanks. This will help me become a better father. I love my 2 kids and I think I do a decent job…but one can always do better.

  23. I was 11 when my father left my drug addict mother and I for a self absorbed younger wife who idolized him. I suffered terribly prior to the divorce but all hell broke lose after he left. His wife was wicked mean to me and I gave myself to any boy/man who crossed my path. At 31 I became pregnant with my wonderful son whose father abandonded us. My father, his wife and my son’s father called me (they were all far away) constantly to urge me to give my child up for adoption. I almost killed myself out of grief, all I wanted was to be a mother. (my own mother was dead). My son is now 15, and the only love of my life. I quit dating to raise him alone in poverty, but I gave him all my attention and hope. He is confident, happy and so secure because I tell him everyday that the world is a better place because he is in it. I am lucky because I met a good man who took us in and gave us what I could not afford to do alone. I only took jobs where I could be near my son while he was growing up and I personally took him to school and back everyday and have always been an active parent. Many years I did not have a car and we had to walk to school and grocery stores, we even had to live in a homeless shelter. My son is successful I believe because I gave him the confidence and love that I wanted so desperately and I became the parent I always wished I had. I told him all the time that it was my joy and pleasure to be the mother of such a wonderful son. Today my son is an honor student and befriends the sensitive and shy types. He knows everything about me and understands alot about what people suffer when their parents don’t make parenting a priority.

  24. First of all, I deeply hope we all find a resolution for the situations we are in. I sincerely hope all of our pain will be transmuted into peace…

    I was searching for an article dealing with the loss of my dad due to divorce. The difference with my case is that my dad LOVES me unconditionally. He is a better dad than he may be a husband.

    If anyone can solve my problem, please let me know. My problem is how much I miss my dad.

    My parents divorced when I was 3years old. When I turned 8, my mom remarried and moved me 2 hours aways from my wonderful home and other family… including my dad. Until I was sixteen, I was only allowed to see my dad 2 weekends out of a month… that is barely six days. My dad missed so many special memories not because he neglected me, but because of the distance.

    He and I both fought for him to have custody of me when I was 16. My mom was mostly great, overbearing, but a great mother. I do not believe any one ever wins in divorce. One of the last mile stones he saw was me getting ready for prom. :) He missed my first dance, but he didn’t miss the last.

    Time has to move on and I moved away to attend a better university. I visit him all the time and we still make special memories. However, I use to cry in fear of him dying. It wasn’t until last week that I cried for the real reason… I miss my dad.

    How do you ever fill that void?

  25. I’m not sure this is the right place for my questions and comments, but I will post anyway in hopes of getting some helpful feedback. I am currently in the process of getting divorced because my husband has neglected me and my two girls for years. Although he has been home and physically available to us, he has spent most of his days in the garage busy working on various projects. Feeling abandoned and ignored, I finally mustard up enough courage to rescue myself and ask for a divorce. Emotionally, he has been absent from our lives. My oldest has formed relationships with the other dad’s in our neighborhood. And even though we share custody of the girls, he continues to remain busy in the garage. My 15 year old is acting out – having sex and informing us we have no control over her life. I am secretly dying on the inside from guilt. Did I cause all of this? Will she be ok? How much of her behavior is normal, how much is a result of the divorce, how much of it would have occurred anyway because he is so unavailable to our emotional needs?

    • cmonkey,

      I am so sorry to hear of your difficult time. I’ll try to respond to your questions as succinctly as possible.

      1. I have no idea who’s fault it is, but a family *operates as a unit*. It’s not about pointing one finger and giving that person a label of responsibility. If you can always keep that in mind, you’ll have a better idea how all the parts of your family move together to make it function (whether in a healthy or unhealthy way).

      2. Your whole family is feeling pain. I would imagine your daughter’s behaviors and reactions are possibly a result of both his distance and the divorce. Not knowing you or very many details, I couldn’t say much more than that.

      3. You need to ALL go to family counseling together. Yes, even invite your husband. Chances are, he won’t go. But inviting him at least reminds him that he is a part of the family. This isn’t about just changing the direction your daughter’s life is going by sending her to someone. Her life will improve when you can all learn how to handle the change better and *together*. You are effectively the leader of the family at this point, so you need to show it and learn how to become it through family counseling.

      That is the best I can offer you from afar. When you all start getting engaged in family counseling, you’ll get some better direction. It would be great if your husband joined you at some point, but go forward with this plan regardless. I’d also suggest you avoid starting another romantic relationship for a long time – only a reconciliation with your husband would fit with this plan (and only if it makes sense). You and your family have enough to handle without an outside distraction, although it would be understandable to fill the emotional gap left by your husband if your divorce goes through.

      Best wishes to you,
      Erika

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