Sounds as if he is suffering from some sort of mental lllness such as bipolar or personality disorder. My husband was this way. It went from walking on egg shells to violence and we (the kids and I) had to get out. It felt so good to be and feel safe. You can continue as is if he won’t get help, or you can choose to break the cycle (if there is abuse emotionally or otherwise. The choice is up to you, but counseling for you and the kids is a great start. For me, I had to break the cycle of abuse lest the children follow in the cycle and end up abusing or marrying an abusive person. Mental illness is tough. Said a prayer for you today.

Heather,

You are doing all the right things so far. Despite how frustrated you are, you are leaving the door open for him to come through it again. It sounds like your daughter does well sharing with you. Tell her it’s OK to feel sad, and you are sad to see her that way also. That’s honest and that’s what it’s about.

Be sad together for a little while in the moment, tell her it’s not her fault, then teach her how to lift her mood by doing something she likes – dancing, reading, singing, drawing, whatever. She will need this skill all of her life for many things – being honest about her feelings and DOING something to feel better again so she can move on with life. Unfortunately she needs to learn it well right now.

The point is she is probably going to have this sadness in some way for a very long time. Nothing anyone is going to do will take that away from her. Actually, the one person who could best help her out refuses to be involved. So, you need to help her cope with it, which she seems to be doing.

I’m not saying don’t see a professional – you know her situation better than I do. But it’s pretty normal for her to be sad about this. If you see her not coming out of it for days or more hours than not during the day, or she refuses to participate in her usual things, or her sleeping and eating patterns seem to get off, problems in school, then she may be developing a bigger problem. That’s certainly time for a professional.

But if she is processing this sadness with you clearly, tries other healthy things when she’s sad, and she keeps going with her usual activities that she loves, then you may do just fine as you are. Of course, as she gets older she’ll reprocess this again and again with her development stages (like upper elementary school, preteen, teen years). Her ability to process this may stay OK, or she may need more help. Just always keep your message consistent like you have.

Be sure she has some other caring men in her life. It isn’t a substitute for dad, but she needs that healthy male person/people that she can really count on and do things with.

Hope that helps, and write back if you have more questions. And I hope her dad chooses to be a part of her life again.

Dear Erika,
My husbands parents divorced when he was eight, his mother was an addict so he and his sisters lived with their dad who worked a lot and tended to focus on trying to keep a romantic relationship more than being emotionally available to his children. My husband saw porn for the first time at eight, and when he was old enough to obtain it, did so frequently. He was kind of a loner, being the only boy, and spent a lot of time by himself playing or listening to music, etc. His mother’s behavior toward him was always very doting and affectionate, but she was not around often. When he was a teenager, he was approached by a prostitute who performed oral on him in a dark vestibule for a few dollars. For years after that, he sought prostitutes for sex, and he would try to keep in touch with some of them so he could go back to the same one when he was ready, but never tried to fully establish a relationship. He would even ask them questions about themselves and be kind and encouraging regarding their future plans to stop working as prostitutes. Today, he is married, and has just recently stopped looking at porn and sleeping with prostitutes. Emotionally, he seems incapable of making sound decisions and taking responsibility for the times he doesn’t think clearly. He repeats behaviors that are very immature, and I talk with him about it, but I don’t know how to really help him. What do you suggest I do and/or read? We cannot afford a therapist, but I know he needs help.

I am having a tough time with the ex, we have been divorced going on 5 years now. She has remarried and has another child from that marriage. I stay as involved with my kids as I can, going to eat lunch with them at school, sports and other extra curriculars. They do not speak to me as much as they use to on the phone and sometimes it feels as if they ignore me on purpose in public. I love my kids more than anything and miss them so much when they are not around. I like to consider myself a decent guy and father, any suggestions on why my children are reserved at times and anything I might do to help my situation?