OK, I have to admit. I got a little dorky on my daughter this evening. …
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Don D
9:10 am on
May 27th, 2009I was raised in stark poverty by two parents who neither had manners or social skills. Returning from service, I used my G.I. Bill to go to college. It wasn’t long after graduation,I discovered there was a whole bunch of things I needed to learn if I was going to function with the class of people I was with. The truth being I knew I was going to be held back, unless I made some changes. There are now two me’s: One from the tracks and the other from the conference room. It has worked out very well, but how can parents who do not know the ‘rules’ teach them to their chidren?
M. Kerr
9:54 am on
May 27th, 2009While I agree with the subject matter as a whole, I tend to think the chicken nugget example is a poor one and is contradictory to the message as a whole. There is no “social norm” that one would expect a finger food to be eaten with a fork if served at dinner. It’s still a finger food. It may be the author’s personal preference that finger foods be eaten with a fork at dinner, and that’s fine for her. My grandmother ate *everything* with a fork, including french fries and pizza. Everyone looked at her askance. So even though her manners would likely have met with the author’s approval, she defied social norms and she did not “blend in”. Likewise, anywhere outside of her own home, the author’s child will stick out as a bit odd when she takes a fork and knife to a chicken nugget, while everyone else is using their hands.
Ryan
4:11 pm on
May 27th, 2009I agree that a chicken nugget is a poor example, and feel that a better one would have been an actual piece of bone-in chicken. There are foods meant to be eaten with the fingers, and this is one of them. A lot of people struggle with getting asparagus to stay on their forks, not realizing that in even the most polite company, it is considered proper to eat asparagus with the fingers. Certain foods, through custom or tradition, have their place and stay there. Manners are mainly about making others feel comfortable and welcomed, and about not making a fool of oneself with disgusting personal habits. I also don’t care for the slight shading in this piece that one must learn things as eating chiken nuggets with a fork in order to learn how to emulate one’s “betters.” Supposedly, we don’t kowtow to such class distinctions here.
Erika Krull, MS, LMHP
8:39 pm on
May 27th, 2009M Kerr,
Good point about the choice of examples, and a bone-in probably would have been a better pure example. Just working with what was inspiring me at the time, and inspiration isn’t always translated well into something practical.
The point of my article is not to create stifling judgments about people and who is completely right or completely wrong. It is about being aware of what is going on where you are. To take it a step further, it makes sense to understand that you may need to be flexible with your manners in various social settings. I agree – if I were to tell my child to always eat everything at supper with a fork no matter what, she probably would stick out a little.
I hope to teach my kids enough about manners to help them make their own decisions well. It’s not enough to just teach them what to do. It matters to teach them why so they can make choices that work for them.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Erika Krull, MS, LMHP
8:45 pm on
May 27th, 2009Don D,
True enough – hard to teach what you do not know yourself. Hopefully, other adults can be good role models for children who aren’t learning these things at home. Teachers, sports coaches, other family members or neighbors, parents of friends possibly. However, it can be difficult to uphold these things when the expectations are so different at home.
That must have been a challenge for you to see how much change you had ahead of you. You seemed to have met it well. This is a frustrating topic, indeed – good question to pose out in the open.
Erika Krull, MS, LMHP
10:18 pm on
May 27th, 2009M Kerr and Ryan,,
Sorry, I believe I mixed both of your comments in my mind as I responded. Hope that didn’t sound confusing as it was only addressed to M Kerr.
my Mother,Debbie Manka ,went off and married her Psychologist/therapist Matt Manka. It destroyed our family and my brothers mental health as well as mine. it also destroyed my fathers health as he and my mother(debbie)r were going to Matt for marriage counseling initially. Now Matt and Debbie are running Lifestream Solutions in Arizona.I personally do not think they should be allowed to counsel anyone ,as dating your client is against the rules,right? Any comments on all this? kris
kris
2:16 am on
July 9th, 2010matt manka as my family knows him,not Debbie mankas version
Submitted by Anonymous on July 8, 2010 – 11:00pm.
my mother Debbie Hofer destroyed our entire family with her so called husband matt manka .His Ex wives were coming to our home when I was 14 and having drunken brawls with my mothers other trampy boyfriends,. She dregged so many men into our house, little did we know she was cheating with Matt while still married to my dad. In other words, Matt Manka was counseling our family and my brothers then my mother slept with him while she was still married.
Can anyone see the betrayl. My mother even came onto Mark my current husband. She was an unfit mother DCFS was out to our house twice to see my mom!! my brother dan wound up in a mental hospital on my mothers watch,and my other brother is am alcoholic.
Her gullible ,fellow psychologist, arrogant friends know nothing of our lives at the boken home she provided as well as the scavengers like Matt Manka who preyed on it. My husband Mark married me at 19 by the same judge who gave him the misdimeanor. Obviously not a threat. Our case is sealed as we have two kids and happy.
Debbie and Matt Manka deserve each other,neither have any respect for family,boundaries or professional standards. I am in contact with other families Matt has destroyed and a civil matter is likely. believe what you want,just dont ever trust your wife with this guy!!
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