I have unintentionally sheltered and enabled my son and I’m afraid he might not be mature enough to be on his own.

When my son was in high school he made good grades, graduated early and then went to a local community college and got an Associate’s degree. He was fairly ambitious and responsible.

When he was about 17 we both went thru a traumatic experience. My brother, who had lived with us off and on for many years, committed suicide. Then my Mom died 6 months later from cancer. And then 2-1/2 months after that, my Dad committed suicide. This all put me a very bad depression. I think I stayed in bed for about 2 years. I don’t remember most of what happened for about 3 years afterward. My son and I were both very close to my family. My son’s father left when he was 3 and we never heard from him again, so my Dad and brother were my son’s only male influences or “role models”.

Soon after my family died, I purchased property with 2 homes on a few acres, one for myself and one for my son. He had just graduated high school and started classes at the community college. I wanted to have him close and not move away at that time because I, (we), had just lost so many famiily members. At the time this seemed liked a good idea.

Now, he is 32 yrs old and he sometimes works parttime at local “Bar and Grills” when he can find work, making just enough to get by. When he is not working he spends ALL of his time on his computer playing roll playing games online with other people. He has no friends, and no girlfriend. When he had a roommate, (4+ years ago), he used to at least go camping, snowboarding and kayaking occasionally. Now he never leaves his house except to go to the store. He sleeps most of the day and stays up all night on the computer. He also drinks a lot, (on average probably 4 – 5 beers and 6 -8 shots of Wild Turkey (100 proof) each night). He is very lazy and his house is filthy. He rarely does any of the few chores I might ask him to do. However, he seems to keep himself clean and his hair short. People that I’ve talked to that have met him all say he is a very nice, polite, smart guy, and he is. But he has NO ambition.

I have just recently realized that affording him the living situation that I did has had a lot to do with this problem. Over the years I’ve tried talking to him about his drinking and about finding a good job and I’ve even offered to pay for any schooling he needed. But nothing has changed. About 6 months ago I told him that I plan to sell this property within the next year and that he needs to find a “real” job/career so he can support himself independantly – (pay rent, etc.). But as far as I know, he has done nothing to find work. He says he doesn’t know what he wants to do; that nothing really interests him.

I want him to see a psychologist or therapist, but he doesn’t want to. What am I going to do if he still has done nothing 6 – 8 months from now when I plan to sell the property? I don’t know if I can just kick him out on the street. He’s my only family now, and I’m his only family. It’s hard to think about asking your only family to leave, especially after everyone else left (both of us). I think we both have felt abandoned and alone since everyone died.

I feel so bad that I let this go on for so long and didn’t see what it was doing. But, I wasn’t mentally or emotionally stable for a very long time. Truth is, I’m probably still not, but I’m getting better.

It hurts me to see him waste his life like this.

Should I explain to him about “enabling”, what it means, what it has caused and that I just figured out what the problem is and that’s why I’m asking him to move away?
Are there any articles or books on the best way to go about making this change in both our lives?