Remember yesterday’s post about three common ways kids know you aren’t listening to them very well? Great news for today. I’ll take those three problems and give you a much better alternative. Parenthood is all about making mistakes, and it really helps if you can learn something from them. Hopefully, you’ll find something in these tips to help communication in your family today.   1. “Yeah, but…”

This is purely an argumentative statement. It may not look like it at first, but saying that means you’ve ejected everything they said out of your mind.

A Better Way:

Start out by being pretty neutral like, “Mhmm” and “OK” at least until your kid finishes talking. Use basic reflective listening skills like recapping what you just heard. You might interrupt once in a while by asking clarifying questions, “So did I hear you right when you said you …” or maybe, “OK, I just want to be sure I’m straight on what you just said …” This does not mean you need to agree with what they are saying.

Your kid might propose a cross-country road trip with a bunch of sixteen-year-old drivers for a month in the summer. And as ideas go, that’s a pretty bad one! But you can still show respectful listening skills so they feel like you at least heard and
understood what their plan was. Then, if you don’t agree with what they are saying, you can more logically and calmly explain why. And if you do agree or you feel you need to discuss the topic more, you can more accurately keep track of the parts that are most important to them. If you establish a habit of reflective listening, your kids are going to feel more comfortable talking to you in general.

2. “Uh huh, but don’t you still … (feel this way, think that way, want to do this, etc)?

This is a sure sign of a one-track mind. This assumption boxes your child into a single answer that you want to hear, or at least it seems like you want to hear.

A Better Way:

The “but don’t you still” question could be OK if it’s used with many other exploratory questions. An even better approach is to just repeat what they said. Yeah, it seems like that would sound silly coming out of your mouth. But if you do it with respect and with a calm neutral tone of voice, it gives your child a chance to either tell you that you heard them right or that you missed something. Then, they can fill in the blanks or continue telling you more.

This repetition approach avoids the implication that you want to force an opinion on them. Rather than blocking the flow of communication, you want to let it flow. Ask an open-ended question like, “What do you do instead?” or, “Where else does that happen?” or even, “I didn’t know that — tell me more.” Your kids get an open invitation to speak their mind instead of feeling like what they say could be wrong before they even say it.

3. Looking obviously (or not so obviously) distracted

This gives the impression that you care more about what you are doing than listening to them.

A Better Way:

You may think listening is just about hearing words. Actually, good listening involves watching body language as well to pick up on non-verbals and other clues about what’s going on inside them. If your child has something they need to talk to you about, try to cut out as many distractions as possible from the start. If you can’t, try to make up for the problems by scooting closer or suggesting they face a certain direction.

Making eye contact can help set the tone that you are zoomed in on them. Occasionally, a touch can also make a difference. This would depend on your child and what they like. Keeping distractions down not only make it easier for you to listen, a child may find it easier to form their thoughts as they talk with you. Sometimes kids have trouble expressing themselves with difficult emotional topics. A low-distraction environment is good for anyone trying to communicate.

Families, Communicate With Me

I’m curious what you’ve learned about communicating with your kids. What has worked better and what has seemed to shut things down?  I love to hear your comments, everyone.

photo credit: jemsweb

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afsp montana (March 3, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (March 3, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 3 Mar 2010