Fairness – a sticky question as a parent.  The rallying cry of children everywhere is “That’s not fair!”  So what’s a parent to do?  How far do they go with fairness?  Back in the day, parents were assumed to be the judge and jury on fairness.  And in general, the kid’s opinion didn’t account for much.  Now, our society’s feel-good psyche has caused parents to question their authority on matters of fairness.  Instead of saying “That’s too bad,” more parents are saying, “Well…”

Certainly, any parent can make mistakes about favoratism among their children.  But some parents find themselves being pulled in multiple directions when conflict arises.  They end up changing their minds a lot or not projecting much confidence in the first place.

Take a moment to consider why a parent might get into that kind of spot.  When parents get hyper-focused on the moment, they forget that they are supposed to teach and discipline their children.  They get pulled into their children’s emotion rather than keeping the necessary objectivity.  Now I know parents don’t like seeing their children emotionally upset, feeling slighted and picked on.  It’s tough to turn away from the tears and the pleading when you need to lay down the law.  Holding the line is challenging work, but that’s the most effective part of discipline.

Another problem with fairness is that parents can get caught up in materialism.  If one kid gets an outfit, the other one has to also.  If two really need jeans on a shopping trip, you had better pick up something for the one who was left out.  Even before protest is offered from the kids, the parents make sure things “even out”.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease before anything even happens.  That’s when you know you may have a problem brewing.

Ideally, everything would be relatively fair and parents wouldn’t be stuck with difficult decisions.  Some consequences just aren’t going to be quite the same among children for a similar transgression, even it it’s stated that way on a rule chart somewhere.  And even if you strictly watch your Christmas and birthday budgets, presents will often either look unbalanced or really be unbalanced depending on what you choose.  If one child is deeply satisfied with an inexpensive art set and another child has the skills to be challenged
with an erector set, how far are you going to go trying to make things seem fair?  Who’s worries are you really trying to soothe?  Your child’s or your own?

Fairness is difficult to acheive on a regular basis, even for adults.  Do your best to be reasonably fair, but understand that it isn’t always realistic or appropriate.  Beware of fairness to the point that you actually do more harm, either to your kids by caving to the pressure or to yourself by adding unnecessary anxiety.  A little self awareness will help you know how far you are going with fairness.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (January 3, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 2 Jan 2010