I was corresponding with a friend recently who asked, “Is it OK that sometimes I wish I wasn’t a parent?”  I told her that that was pretty normal, she’d only be human to feel that, and fairly brave to admit it.  I’ve been there, too.  And often I wonder if I’m just more sensitive than most, or if others feel my struggle at times.

Seems that the end of holiday breaks or the last week before school starts in the fall, I get closer to that edge.  And I know that it’s not really about wanting to tear up my parenting card, just that I want someone else to take over and have them out of my immediate vicinity for a while.  Like it’s time to cash in those vacation hours I’ve earned and get out of Dodge for a week if I can get someone to “cover my shift”.  Only that’s not how this job works.

I typically feel a strong sense of futility with them following directions, a  heightened sense of drama and oversensitivity, mood swings everywhere – Calgon needs to take me away right now.  For a moment, I feel numb to them, completely fed up and ready to give up.  I’m shaking my head and literally throwing my hands in the air.  Fortunately, it only takes a short respite and my emotions are under better control.

I know that many parents feel this way from time to time, but I often wonder what roll my history of depression plays in my reaction.  I have made a point to avoid feelings of self pity about that time in my life.  I was able to learn many useful things from my depression, so I really try to be grateful when it comes to mind.  However, when I get pushed to that point, when the girls are so touchy and bossy with each other, screaming over the slightest problems, edgy and bored, my frustration turns to defensiveness.

It’s not just that they are really annoying at that particular moment, it’s that it’s so persistent and I seem to have little control over making it stop.  Sound a little like depression to you, too?  After enduring untreated depression symptoms for an extended time, despair can set in – or maybe even anger.

I think this nerve gets tweaked for me when the cabin fever strings out too long, when the sense of routine becomes lost.  I get defensive about my sense of sanity and control, probably because I truly lost control of it for a long time.  Their immaturity leans them towards lots of self-serving emotional behavior.  They aren’t thinking about how much stress they cause me when they scream at each other at the top of their lungs.  They aren’t thinking about how frustrating it is for me to hear loud fights over nothing and being constantly interrupted with tattling.

They are just being kids, doing what they are equipped to do.  They aren’t mature adults with a variety of good coping skills and the ability to safely drive themselves somewhere.  It’s just normal!  I know I can get myself back on an even keel with a good night of sleep and an occassional pleasant distraction or two during the day.  But that gets harder and harder to maintain over a long period of constant chaos.

I can say with confidence that I will happily trade in my ability to sleep a little longer over the Christmas break for an early wake-up time and much more routine and some blessed silence in my house.  Thankfully, my irrational wish has never come true.  At the end of the day (usually when they are snug in their beds and nearly asleep), I am very glad to be their one and only Mommy.

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Malc Crawford (January 6, 2010)

From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (January 6, 2010)

    Last reviewed: 6 Jan 2010