It’s a good six months until Father’s Day, but I thought it was time to highlight a somewhat low-lighted family relationship – fathers and daughters.  Dads do some pretty important stuff for their girls when they become consistently involved.  Moms are obviously very influential, but dads do some things that moms just can’t.  Let’s see what those are.

Dads give their daughters their standard for male behavior.  Whatever male teachers, grandpas, male classmates or other males she may meet in her early life, she will compare them to dad.  A girl will form all kinds of non-sexual relationships with boys and men as she matures, and she will compare them to her dad.  She will also have sexual ideas and romantic drama with boys and eventually men, and she will compare these to her dad.  Even if she isn’t conscious of it, the primary father figure in her life will become her measuring stick for all other men.

It’s well known that girls without a solid father figure relationship usually get involved with sexuality at an early age.  A dad can be physically in the house, but if he’s keeping a distance or otherwise distracted (addiction, mental illness, etc), she can still feel lost.  An involved father is the best antidote to this problem.

Sometimes when my husband comes home from work, he will do a little rough housing with the girls.  They get strung upside down by their ankles, tossed over his shoulder, tickled mercilessly, and get bumped and tossed around.  And they absolutely love it.  Constant giggling, squealing, pleas for help (and for mercy), and they can’t get enough.

Despite the fact that they think Daddy is like a human jungle gym for these moments, I can see another side benefit to this.  During all this rough play where Daddy is clearly bigger, stronger, and more powerful, he also expects them to fight back a little.  He encourages them to stand up for themselves while they are under tickle assault, or to hang on tight when they are getting spun around.  He brings a little rumble-and-tussle …

Here’s how things go in my house – Mommy does the daily kid chasing and Dad steps in from time to time.  I’m guessing this type of ratio is similar in many households, though some may have the parents switched.  Anyway, something interesting happened recently.  My husband devised a discipline plan for one specific area of behavior – cleaning up.  It’s genius and I’m tickled pink.

First, it’s so nice to have someone else do the heavy lifting once in a while.  He certainly does it from time to time, but this might be the first regularly occurring long-term action he’s done on his own.  It’s marvelous because I get to sit back and enjoy his creativity and style.  Sometimes it’s good to hear something other than your own voice bouncing off the kids’ ears!

Most nights, but not every night, he’s been checking rooms for how well picked up they are.  He has laid out some specifics so they know what counts and what doesn’t count.  No excuses if you forget three nights in a row, you won’t get the prize!  He has given out a small chunk of candy bar just one time each.  I know he won’t turn them into walking cavities, but you could use a different reward if you wanted to avoid candy.

The looks on everyone’s faces has been priceless.  Daddy walks around the house quickly before supper, showing a coy smile as he makes his mental assessments.  They all know the announcement coming and they make their prognostications as to why they ought to win.  They have been busting their tails in a way they haven’t for me on this same topic.  I am fine with that because frankly, my energy gets too spread out sometimes and I know I’m not always effective.  And since it’s not just my voice ad nauseum, I think it allows my authority to become more concentrated again.

Everyone has won at least once now – even I won once without knowing I was part of the competition!  So the next stage is adding the basement …

I was corresponding with a friend recently who asked, “Is it OK that sometimes I wish I wasn’t a parent?”  I told her that that was pretty normal, she’d only be human to feel that, and fairly brave to admit it.  I’ve been there, too.  And often I wonder if I’m just more sensitive than most, or if others feel my struggle at times.

Seems that the end of holiday breaks or the last week before school starts in the fall, I get closer to that edge.  And I know that it’s not really about wanting to tear up my parenting card, just that I want someone else to take over and have them out of my immediate vicinity for a while.  Like it’s time to cash in those vacation hours I’ve earned and get out of Dodge for a week if I can get someone to “cover my shift”.  Only that’s not how this job works.

I typically feel a strong sense of futility with them following directions, a  heightened sense of drama and oversensitivity, mood swings everywhere – Calgon needs to take me away right now.  For a moment, I feel numb to them, completely fed up and ready to give up.  I’m shaking my head and literally throwing my hands in the air.  Fortunately, it only takes a short respite and my emotions are under better control.

I know that many parents feel this way from time to time, but I often wonder what roll my history of depression plays in my reaction.  I have made a point to avoid feelings of self pity about that time in my life.  I was able to learn many useful things from my depression, so I really try to be grateful when it comes to mind.  However, when I get pushed to that point, when the girls are so touchy and bossy with each other, screaming over the slightest problems, edgy and bored, my frustration turns to defensiveness.

It’s not just that they are really annoying at that particular moment, it’s that it’s so persistent and I seem …

Fairness – a sticky question as a parent.  The rallying cry of children everywhere is “That’s not fair!”  So what’s a parent to do?  How far do they go with fairness?  Back in the day, parents were assumed to be the judge and jury on fairness.  And in general, the kid’s opinion didn’t account for much.  Now, our society’s feel-good psyche has caused parents to question their authority on matters of fairness.  Instead of saying “That’s too bad,” more parents are saying, “Well…”

Certainly, any parent can make mistakes about favoratism among their children.  But some parents find themselves being pulled in multiple directions when conflict arises.  They end up changing their minds a lot or not projecting much confidence in the first place.

Take a moment to consider why a parent might get into that kind of spot.  When parents get hyper-focused on the moment, they forget that they are supposed to teach and discipline their children.  They get pulled into their children’s emotion rather than keeping the necessary objectivity.  Now I know parents don’t like seeing their children emotionally upset, feeling slighted and picked on.  It’s tough to turn away from the tears and the pleading when you need to lay down the law.  Holding the line is challenging work, but that’s the most effective part of discipline.

Another problem with fairness is that parents can get caught up in materialism.  If one kid gets an outfit, the other one has to also.  If two really need jeans on a shopping trip, you had better pick up something for the one who was left out.  Even before protest is offered from the kids, the parents make sure things “even out”.  The squeaky wheel gets the grease before anything even happens.  That’s when you know you may have a problem brewing.

Ideally, everything would be relatively fair and parents wouldn’t be stuck with difficult decisions.  Some consequences just aren’t going to be quite the same among children for a similar transgression, even it it’s stated that way on a rule chart somewhere.  And even if you strictly …