Families are much like tiny nations. They each have a financial structure, social structure, and a power structure. Unfortunately, the younger members of these “family nations” tend to make a run for power on a regular basis. Like a government coup every other day. No wonder parents get so stressed!
These attempts at asserting power are a very normal part of a child’s life. They don’t automatically know how to handle their own initiative and control. Families provide a safe environment for kids to test these out and learn from their mistakes. Despite the turmoil this can cause families on a daily basis, kids can and usually do improve as they grow older.
The way a parent handles each situation in the moment makes a lot of difference. But it’s also important how they prepare for them in advance. Rules, expectations, the kids’ respect for authority, parenting style – these all exist whether a ruckus is happening or everyone is asleep.
If you quizzed your kids right now, what would they say about the rules? What would they say about how much freedom they have to do what they want? What would you say about how effective your rules are and how you enforce them?
Power struggles happen when kids rise up in some way against a parent and the parent attempts to wrestle the power back. You may particularly experience this if you have a child with a strong personality, if you have been fairly permissive as a parent, if you have a teenager, or if your child is going through some type of stressful time. Notice the very different circumstances that can lead to a power struggle.
A mistake parents often make is that they struggle with their child. Rather than doing something swift and decisive to take the power back quickly, they often go back and forth with their child in some way. Arguments, bargaining, giving in to a child’s outrage – all of these things keep a child engaged in the struggle. Unfortunately, the longer this pattern has gone on, the longer it may take for a child to work their way out of it.
Parents who feel like they have a lot of power struggles have perhaps unwittingly allowed their child to think they can rumble and fight with them, and sometimes win. When you change your tactic to being more decisive and less argumentative, a child used to the struggle will fuss and holler a lot. A lot. They want to engage you in the struggle like before because sometimes they prevailed.
When you refuse to give in to their forceful emotions and negative behaviors, you will already gain a measure of power back. It becomes one out-of-control kid and one calm adult instead of two people fighting and struggling with each other. You change the standard to a format that plays to your advantage – your maturity and ability to manage your emotions. And if you feel you are somewhat weak in these areas, it’s time for you to get some support and help with this.
A note of caution – the earlier in your kids’ lives you establish this non-struggling approach to power, the easier it will be for you to stay in control. That doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to make improvements if you are the parent of a teenager. I’m just saying from clinical experience it seems that the older kids get the less impact a power structure change tends to have. The more years a kid has gotten their own way, the more they will resist a change towards more submission.
So the best way to avoid power struggles? Don’t struggle – act decisively and be prepared to hold up against some strong emotion from your kid. With patience and persistence, you can help them learn better self control and respect for your authority. And maybe one less coup for the week in your “family nation”.
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As a mother of 5 children, two stepsons (now adult early 20’s but still get into trouble with a power struggle at times) and 3 teenagers 2 boys and 1 girl I can say each child is so vastly different and sometimes rules vary depending on the child and their maturity and respect for authority.
Some kids want to break free and explore the world so fast and to early this leaves parents needing to make the rules a bit more stringent to keep that child from getting themselves into trouble. Some kids are more introverted and respect rules and authority in a higher degree so you can with caution allow them a little extra breathing room, but for the most part a definite set of rules in the house for all, even the parents must be continually enforced. Parents do have to remember to set by example so if one of the rules is not swearing in the house, parents must also abide or you get the monkey see monkey do effect, but in turn that saying also goes with the good examples a parent will set by obeying their own rules set upon the household.
Amanda,
Yep, all those factors do make a difference. I have one who doesn’t need a lot of pressure to follow the rules most of the time. The other two, I think they enjoy exercising their independence and free will a whole lot -regardless of the rules! But yes, some standards do need to be the same. Ultimately, they all need to see you as the authority figure so they have a foundation.
Thanks for writing in.
Th
In my case the power struggle was resolved so badly that now that they are old enough to have children of their own the rift is still causing undue amount a tension. No matter what happens I have to go back to the old system of loosing my temper and call a spade a spade at the top of my voice, become aggressive even, or else let them get on with putting me down to their hearts content and end up in tears. That’s obviously how important all this is.
This is a good article, albeit rather abbreviated.
However, there is a HUGE factor to be considered, and that is Childrens Protective Services.
Child Protective Services (CPS) has well assured ALL KIDS that they can go to hell in a hand-basket and CPS will grease the skids to help them get there.
Parents are Sabotaged at every turn.
ALL KIDS have been “educated” up the yahooie in GOVERNMENT SKULE about good touch-bad touch. They are PERFECTLY AWARE that they can turn ANYBODY in to CPS at ANY TIME for ANY REASON, and “We believe the child. Children don’t lie” CPS doesn’t ask questions. CPS blindly DESTROYS whoever the complaint was made against.
It’s today’s kids’ #1 THREAT and the FIRST THING THEY THINK OF.
ALL parents are at risk, and it behooves us to know ahead of time what CPS is, and how to answer a CPS agent’s questions and THREATS before she brings the allegation to YOUR front door.
CPS agents are America’s domestic terrorists. CPS agents are often nothing more than spoiled rotten brats themselves, sociopathic, and DANGEROUS.
“Better be wise by the misfortunes of others than by your own.” –Aesop (c. 550 B.C
Leonard Henderson, co-founder
American Family Rights Association
http://familyrights.us
“Until Every Child Comes Home” ©
“The Voice of America’s Families” ©
That must be a new thing. In my youth – which was only about 20 years ago – CPS wouldn’t do anything unless sexual abuse or abuse of babies or toddlers was involved. There was a girl at my high school who was beaten by her mother to the point of injury repeatedly, coming to school barely able to walk and with black eyes and bone fractures, and CPS only came to the school once. Said there was really nothing they could do except refer the family to a counselor… which would obviously put her in even greater danger since the perp would know that someone ratted her out, without removing her daughter from the situation.
The analogy of a family to a small country is a good one, but the article fails to mention that power needs balance – too little authority is bad, but being a tyrant is no better. Sometimes power struggles are because the rules are so restrictive and suffocating that the child is always being severely punished for something, even if all s/he did was accidentally drop a dish or get a B on a report card. Then s/he has nothing to lose by acting out; s/he’s going to “do the time” no matter what, so why not do the crime too?
RC -
True and good point. An issue like this is actually much more complex than it might seem at first. Rebellion against rules that are unreasonable would make sense to someone who understands the dynamics. It would be an attempt at rebalancing the power to a more manageable level.
Thanks for adding that insight.
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