The other day I woke up in a somewhat fearful depressed state of mind. I am not entirely sure why it came on just then, but I had a day ahead of me and I felt like I was painted into a corner. I recorded my thoughts a few times, not to wallow in them but to capture them. I don’t have a diary, but that’s the description that seemed to fit best. I was hoping that if I wrote my thoughts and feelings down, they would go away faster or at least make some sense to me later. I’m not sure either thing happened.
Anyway, this is my best shot at “real time depression” to let you know what it’s like to be ambushed by your motions when life is otherwise generally in good shape – depression leftovers, if you will. It’s unedited, perhaps a little rough in some places, but it’s how it came out in the moment. I hope you can appreciate the raw expression for what it is.
My “Diary Excerpt”
I can’t be sure where my safe spot is inside me. I have people around me that I love and that love me, but there is also fear. I fear and regret disappointing others, either in the past or the future. I’m trying to fake it today, knowing that I don’t want to alarm anyone to how close I am to tears. A few striking comments echo in my mind, providing evidence that I’ve already tread on thin ice with one person. Or so it seems.
Right now, I can’t tell how seriously I’m supposed to take anyone’s opinions today. I can tell that I’m way too absorbent, too permeable to other people’s emotions and comments. It wouldn’t take much to amplify my own fears and insecurities today, causing them to spill out in unstoppable tears.
The more I don’t do about the problem, the bigger it seems to get. And if I would try something to make the problem better, my worry is that my most feared personal rejection will be confirmed. By saying what I feel out loud, it seems like I would make a bigger fool of myself than I already think I am. What do I trust? The knowledge that I am safe and loved or my feelings that tell me to hide from any possibly scrutiny?
And the messing up – either I’m messing up more than usual or I’m just more aware of it One thing after another. Something I failed to prevent, something I should have checked on ahead of time, something I should have done to be more prepared. It’s like an avalanche of negativity. When I just want to get through the next few minutes, more evidence emerges that shows how poorly I’m doing right then. I’m afraid to ask for what I need. I’m afraid everyone is at the end of their toleration of my mistakes.
Despite not having shed a tear, I already feel like I’ve been crying all day. Or maybe I’m just starting to come down with a head cold. It’s like I’m trying to solve a math problem while I’m trying to keep myself from drowning. Too much going wrong, so much potential to disappoint and irritate. Will I feel better if I try to fix the problems I believe started all this, or should I just focus on trying to lift my mood? I’m sure if I were in a different state of mind, the answer would be easier to figure out. Right now, my emotions are speaking pretty loudly. I hope I can quiet them sometime today.
Responses to My Diary of Depression Day Excerpt
Well, that about sums up what my feelings were like that day. I’m interested in hearing your responses, mostly because I’m guessing I’m not the only one who’s felt this way at times. Also, it was disarming that it kind of knocked me sideways for about 24 hours for no particular reason. Also defined a pretty slow start to my week. I think I’ve had some of the same concerns before other days, but they didn’t build up like this. I’m still reflecting on that. Any comments would be welcome.
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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (January 28, 2010)
From Psych Central's Erika Krull, MS:
The Fickle Nature Of PMDD | Family Mental Health (February 15, 2010)
Last reviewed: 28 Jan 2010