Many parents now set aside decent sized chunks of money to fund their children’s college education.  Not everyone can do this, but it is certainly something many parents work at for years.  So when you finally start sending off some of that hard earned money and you find that your child is behaving badly, what can you do?

Here’s the crux of the issue – whoever is paying has the power.  If you are supporting your child through college, your financial support is there because you are helping them bridge the gap on the good faith that they will do their best and graduate with a degree.  But remember, it’s on a good faith assumption – they have to hold up their part of it.

What if a worst-case-scenario happens?  You find out they’ve been getting low grades and blowing off their responsibilities.  By all rights, you have every reason to pull your funding immediately – no matter how distressing that may be to your child.  You could decide to give them another chance to redeem themselves, but you would need to make your terms very clear so they understand you won’t be giving them a free ride for nothing.

You can also turn this approach to fit an adult child who is living at home for a while until they “get back on their feet.”  If your child is contributing to the good of the household in some way and being a decent person, you probably have something good to work with.  If that doesn’t sound like your situation, then you need to reevaluate what’s going on.

For example, if your son is living at home to save up money because he’s getting married in four months and has housing lined up for him and his new bride, you are probably going to be fine.  If he doesn’t keep a job for more than a few months and doesn’t seem like he looks motivated to get back out there, you will need to firm up your plan.

What is your agreement between you and your child?  Do you have it on paper?  Is there a specific end date or criterion for when they will get back out on their own?  And is this the first time you’ve done this with this child or any other one?  And…how likely are you to follow through if you really need to drop the axe and cut off financial support?  All of these questions may impact how you handle things.

When it comes down to it, your follow-through is perhaps the most important part of the equation.  A good plan is wonderful, but your ability to do what you say you will do matters the most.  Seeing a child waste an opportunity can be so heartbreaking.  It’s not an easy thing for a parent to do.  But sometimes that hard
smack of reality is the very thing an adult child needs to get them into gear.

Have any personal stories of success or heartbreak over an adult child needing some tough love?  Or were you that child that needed the wakeup call from your parents?

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (November 6, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 6 Nov 2009