But many of the micromanaging and codependent traits that family members like me are accused of (especially by many mental health experts, ignorant about what a family with Aspergers, ADD, and depression is like), are really the only self preserving coping mechanisms we have left, after we’ve tried everything else. There have been many long periods when I relinquished the helping, planning, and reminding tasks, hoping that their executive function would kick in during the absence of my “micromanaging”. Months (even years) can pass with no sign of independent life skills beyond mere survival and gratification. The bills are not paid, the dogs suffer from dehydration and inattention, cavities sprout from lack of dental care, social relationships disappear, appointments are missed, homework is not done, health deteriorates due to restrictive eating patterns and inconsistent sleep and exercise, and depression and mindlessness pervade the atmosphere and relationships. This simply means more work and anxiety for the neuro-typical person. Picking up the pieces and trying to glue things back together is a whole lot more work than being efficient and perceptive, taking care of what others cannot, and setting an example for self-responsibility. Had I known this would be a large part of my role in the family, I probably wouldn’t have chosen it, but it is what it is. I was gifted with social awareness, excellent self-care habits, a good concept of the big picture, and very strong survival skills. My family benefits from those gifts and I know to not make myself or them crazy by stepping in when they are managing what they can manage.

Good books on this topic are “Going Over the Edge” by Kathy Marshak and “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene, as well as “The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships” by Grandin & Barron. Tony Atwood’s work on Aspergers is also helpful. Over all, most mental health professionals don’t understand what spectrum issues do in a family and how they affect a neurotypical person over time. Many high functioning people on the spectrum can present very well for the short periods of time they may spend with a psych evaluator or counselor. The “codependent” is only noticed when they begin to malfunction, and it is usually assumed it’s the “codependent’s” fault, because the spectrum problems have gone undiagnosed.

Would the spectrum issues have been diagnosed sooner, had there not been a “helicopter/codependent” around to “micromanage?” Not likely, from what I’ve experienced with schools, doctors, and mental health counselors. Autism spectrum people who are high functioning suffer greatly without help, and there hasn’t been much help available for them. Health, employment, and relationship problems spiral downwards over time with sometimes tragic results.

but i am fine now, i never have any of those issues. I know what belongs to her and what belongs to me, and I know she loves me very much and she knows i love her very much, and i am downright wise, and always have been much wiser than my mother even as a kid.

Good for you to be so aware of the patterns between your generations. It is so easy to “become your mother” in certain ways if you aren’t paying attention.

You can make it better – you already are just because you are taking a close look at what you are doing and trying to discern a better way. You may want to try reading some parenting books, taking a class, or watching some parenting DVDs if you need more instruction on how to be more down the middle on your discipline.

Yes, it sounds like you do have a situation that seems to be worth getting distance from. As a parent, you need to know what’s going on in your kid’s life. But if you don’t pair that investigative aspect with genuine warmth and personal connection with your child, you get what you have – someone running surveillance and trying to maneuver things in your life. An unwanted presence.

Oh my…that’s quite an image. Hope you managed to survive that without serious harm.

Nowadays sometimes she still tries to control me in one or another way and she’s always saying that I don’t talk to her but I think that when I was a child she was never interested in listening to me, just in controling me.

Now I’m 22 and I can’t wait for the day I’ll leave home (I still live with my parents) and be free from this oppression.