Do you know a helicopter parent? They tend to hover over their child out of concern that something bad might happen. While it this may be appropriate when a real threat seems nearby, some parents take it all the way. They continue the hovering long after the child is in diapers, long after their days of toddling around the living room, and long after they are ready for school. Who are helicopter parents really protecting?
I’m reminded instantly of Nemo’s dad in the Disney movie, “Finding Nemo”. Dory insightfully points out that if Nemo’s dad never lets anything happen to him, then nothing would ever happen to him. Food for thought as we consider how our culture has shaped parenting.
The news seems to be full of warnings about every possible danger in the home and out. I’m not discounting real hazards, just pointing out that drama sells. parents already inclined towards anxiety have so much more information about all the possible hazards, they need something to fight back with. Supervision and worry.
Helicopter parents fret about germs, the hazards of kickball, their child’s self esteem in school, and anything potentially stressful. They cringe when their child climbs on the monkey bars, gets nervous when their child is upset, and defends their child from criticism.
Do you notice some of the words I used? Fret, hazards, stressful, cringe, nervous, upset, defend. Those words distill the emotional base of a helicopter parent. They overprotect their child to protect themselves from feeling fear and anxiety. If they can keep their kids totally safe from harm, they can feel safe too. They can create a cozy box of comfort for themselves and their child.
Helicopter parents translate their anxiety to their child. Ironically, the anxiety these parents attempt the quell by hovoring can make kids feel less emotionally safe and secure. A breeze could be bad because it’s too much air for the baby. Playing in the snow could be bad because you could get really sick from being outside. Exploring the backyard could be bad because you could fall. Life is about trying to deal with Mom or Dad being upset or worrying about everything. Instead of teaching their child to deal with ups and downs, the goal is to eliminate any potential “downs”.
Just one problem with this – a child growing up with a helicopter parent will likely end up just as nervous as the parent, or they may resent the micromanagement and rebel. Neither outcome is a real healthy one – more about extremes of reaction than learning how to successfully navigate through the risks of life on Earth.
I’ll admit that for a period of time with my first child, I think I was somewhat like this. I was a first time parent, inexperienced and somewhat naive about the resiliency of children. As she grew and after I had my second child, I know I relaxed a great deal. I think that’s kind of a normal parenting progression.
I am concerned about the parents who seem to do this for years, even when their kids are adults. They push for situations to be the least risky, least conflictual, the least disappointing, the least uncomfortable for everyone. And then they come unglued when their efforts to control everything fall apart.
What do you think? Have you been this way, or do you know someone who has? What have you seen happen in this situation?
Related Posts
You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
From Psych Central's :
PsychCentral (November 17, 2009)
Dr. John Grohol (November 17, 2009)
I had a tendency to do this. I feel this was partly because my mum was a little anxious when I was growing up – and it was greatly reinforced by my work as a children’s nurse, where I saw the results of many accidents; some of these were in fact extremely unlikely – ‘freak accidents’, you might say.
In trying to loosen my grip on my children, I found I was veering from one extreme to the other – over-protective one day, too easy-going on another. Not surprisingly this was confusing for my kids. I’m working on changing my thinking and my resulting behaviour.
My mother used to be (and still is) superprotector. She used to investigate my friendships when I was in school and in church when I was a child and used to judge them and try to tell me I should not hang out with those guys.
Nowadays sometimes she still tries to control me in one or another way and she’s always saying that I don’t talk to her but I think that when I was a child she was never interested in listening to me, just in controling me.
Now I’m 22 and I can’t wait for the day I’ll leave home (I still live with my parents) and be free from this oppression.
My mother wasn’t a helicopter parent – she was a stealth bomber.
Sonia -
Oh my…that’s quite an image. Hope you managed to survive that without serious harm.
Carlos,
Yes, it sounds like you do have a situation that seems to be worth getting distance from. As a parent, you need to know what’s going on in your kid’s life. But if you don’t pair that investigative aspect with genuine warmth and personal connection with your child, you get what you have – someone running surveillance and trying to maneuver things in your life. An unwanted presence.
Sue -
Good for you to be so aware of the patterns between your generations. It is so easy to “become your mother” in certain ways if you aren’t paying attention.
You can make it better – you already are just because you are taking a close look at what you are doing and trying to discern a better way. You may want to try reading some parenting books, taking a class, or watching some parenting DVDs if you need more instruction on how to be more down the middle on your discipline.
Dear Erica,
It’s nothing that 15 years of intensive therapy hasn’t been able to sort out 
I was the helicopter parent for my parents. Like, my mom would say how anxious she was that I would run off in a store and i would reassure her that she never had to worry about losing me because I always knew where she was. I mean, i protected her, and I was working full time as a kid. not only protecting my mother, but my father from my mother, my mother from my sister, my mother from everyone, from suicide…and when I got out i was sooo happy and sooo guilty.
but i am fine now, i never have any of those issues. I know what belongs to her and what belongs to me, and I know she loves me very much and she knows i love her very much, and i am downright wise, and always have been much wiser than my mother even as a kid.
I was searching for resources on helicopter parenting and came across your post. I think it really distills the issue down really nicely. I worked in higher education/student affairs for 15.5 years, mostly in Residence Life, and the coming of this last generation (the “millenials”) really brought this issue to the forefront on a regular basis. It was actually a driving factor in my decision to become a life and career coach. I believe that helicopter parenting is the challenge to our society in this era. It is co-dependent and stunts a students normal development. The parents try to do the growing up for them, and it just doesn’t work. I’d love to discuss this further with you sometime if you are interested. I am developing a coaching model for working with students and their parents to get down from the helicopter and instead move to the “perimeter” where they can help their child by supporting, encouraging and empowering them instead of protecting them from life. If you or any of your readers would like to share perspectives, discuss with me 1-on-1 or learn more, I would love to hear from you. My e-mail is sean@higheredlifecoach.com
Last reviewed: 17 Nov 2009
Copyright © 1992-2010 Psych Central. All rights reserved.
Site last updated: 9 Feb 2010
|
