I had a tendency to do this. I feel this was partly because my mum was a little anxious when I was growing up – and it was greatly reinforced by my work as a children’s nurse, where I saw the results of many accidents; some of these were in fact extremely unlikely – ‘freak accidents’, you might say.

In trying to loosen my grip on my children, I found I was veering from one extreme to the other – over-protective one day, too easy-going on another. Not surprisingly this was confusing for my kids. I’m working on changing my thinking and my resulting behaviour.

My mother used to be (and still is) superprotector. She used to investigate my friendships when I was in school and in church when I was a child and used to judge them and try to tell me I should not hang out with those guys.

Nowadays sometimes she still tries to control me in one or another way and she’s always saying that I don’t talk to her but I think that when I was a child she was never interested in listening to me, just in controling me.

Now I’m 22 and I can’t wait for the day I’ll leave home (I still live with my parents) and be free from this oppression.

My mother wasn’t a helicopter parent – she was a stealth bomber.

Sonia -

Oh my…that’s quite an image. Hope you managed to survive that without serious harm.

Carlos,

Yes, it sounds like you do have a situation that seems to be worth getting distance from. As a parent, you need to know what’s going on in your kid’s life. But if you don’t pair that investigative aspect with genuine warmth and personal connection with your child, you get what you have – someone running surveillance and trying to maneuver things in your life. An unwanted presence.

Sue -

Good for you to be so aware of the patterns between your generations. It is so easy to “become your mother” in certain ways if you aren’t paying attention.

You can make it better – you already are just because you are taking a close look at what you are doing and trying to discern a better way. You may want to try reading some parenting books, taking a class, or watching some parenting DVDs if you need more instruction on how to be more down the middle on your discipline.

Dear Erica,
It’s nothing that 15 years of intensive therapy hasn’t been able to sort out

I was the helicopter parent for my parents. Like, my mom would say how anxious she was that I would run off in a store and i would reassure her that she never had to worry about losing me because I always knew where she was. I mean, i protected her, and I was working full time as a kid. not only protecting my mother, but my father from my mother, my mother from my sister, my mother from everyone, from suicide…and when I got out i was sooo happy and sooo guilty.

but i am fine now, i never have any of those issues. I know what belongs to her and what belongs to me, and I know she loves me very much and she knows i love her very much, and i am downright wise, and always have been much wiser than my mother even as a kid.

I was searching for resources on helicopter parenting and came across your post. I think it really distills the issue down really nicely. I worked in higher education/student affairs for 15.5 years, mostly in Residence Life, and the coming of this last generation (the “millenials”) really brought this issue to the forefront on a regular basis. It was actually a driving factor in my decision to become a life and career coach. I believe that helicopter parenting is the challenge to our society in this era. It is co-dependent and stunts a students normal development. The parents try to do the growing up for them, and it just doesn’t work. I’d love to discuss this further with you sometime if you are interested. I am developing a coaching model for working with students and their parents to get down from the helicopter and instead move to the “perimeter” where they can help their child by supporting, encouraging and empowering them instead of protecting them from life. If you or any of your readers would like to share perspectives, discuss with me 1-on-1 or learn more, I would love to hear from you. My e-mail is sean@higheredlifecoach.com

As the mother of a teenager with Aspergers and the wife of a man with Aspergers, most of the forethought and planning for life’s emergencies and complexities lands on my plate out of necessity, not because I, or they, want it that way. There are times when I was a helicopter parent and wife because of this, but I also knew, especially for my son, that some things he would just have to experience over and over again in order to learn coping skills. It is easy to fall into co-dependent behaviors when you’ve learned to compensate for diminished executive function in others.

But many of the micromanaging and codependent traits that family members like me are accused of (especially by many mental health experts, ignorant about what a family with Aspergers, ADD, and depression is like), are really the only self preserving coping mechanisms we have left, after we’ve tried everything else. There have been many long periods when I relinquished the helping, planning, and reminding tasks, hoping that their executive function would kick in during the absence of my “micromanaging”. Months (even years) can pass with no sign of independent life skills beyond mere survival and gratification. The bills are not paid, the dogs suffer from dehydration and inattention, cavities sprout from lack of dental care, social relationships disappear, appointments are missed, homework is not done, health deteriorates due to restrictive eating patterns and inconsistent sleep and exercise, and depression and mindlessness pervade the atmosphere and relationships. This simply means more work and anxiety for the neuro-typical person. Picking up the pieces and trying to glue things back together is a whole lot more work than being efficient and perceptive, taking care of what others cannot, and setting an example for self-responsibility. Had I known this would be a large part of my role in the family, I probably wouldn’t have chosen it, but it is what it is. I was gifted with social awareness, excellent self-care habits, a good concept of the big picture, and very strong survival skills. My family benefits from those gifts and I know to not make myself or them crazy by stepping in when they are managing what they can manage.

Good books on this topic are “Going Over the Edge” by Kathy Marshak and “The Explosive Child” by Ross Greene, as well as “The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships” by Grandin & Barron. Tony Atwood’s work on Aspergers is also helpful. Over all, most mental health professionals don’t understand what spectrum issues do in a family and how they affect a neurotypical person over time. Many high functioning people on the spectrum can present very well for the short periods of time they may spend with a psych evaluator or counselor. The “codependent” is only noticed when they begin to malfunction, and it is usually assumed it’s the “codependent’s” fault, because the spectrum problems have gone undiagnosed.

Would the spectrum issues have been diagnosed sooner, had there not been a “helicopter/codependent” around to “micromanage?” Not likely, from what I’ve experienced with schools, doctors, and mental health counselors. Autism spectrum people who are high functioning suffer greatly without help, and there hasn’t been much help available for them. Health, employment, and relationship problems spiral downwards over time with sometimes tragic results.