In my humble opinion, society would view mental health and physical health problems in an equally serious and acceptable manner.  Unfortunately, a stigma and much misunderstanding exists in our culture about mental illness.  In some ways, increased awareness and research has improved mental health treatment.  But still, there’s something different in our society about discussing overwhelming anxiety as compared to high blood pressure.

First of all, a person experiencing some form of mental distress views the world in a skewed way from the start.  A person with symptoms of mood swings, anxiety, or suicidal thoughts sees things in a more extreme way than they normally would.  They may suddenly feel more embarrassed about admitting they have a problem like this.  They might think their job is at risk.  They might not want anyone to see them as weak.  And this can all be true even if their doctor, friends, and family are warm and accepting people by nature.  And having been through that nightmare myself, I can vouch for that common viewpoint.  Such is the nature of mental illness.

Popular media has been a mixed bag at times.  News highlights sensational stories about postpartum depression leading to infanticide.  National magazines slant stories about mental health issues to fit their demographic audience’s political views.  Celebrities having “mental breakdowns” make the front cover of gossip mags.

But then we’ve also seen more personal stories of mental illness being shared by public figures – movie stars, news anchors, musicians, artists, TV actors.  And some very good stories have been made for TV and film in recent years.  Various national awareness weeks on mental health topics are promoted each year in all forms of media.  Legislation has been passed promoting fairness in mental health insurance coverage.  The number of quality books and websites on postpartum depression alone has increased tremendously compared to just six years ago.

So is the stigma getting better or getting worse?  That is such a hard question to answer in a broad way.  As I see it, there’s a lot of progress yet to be made.  However, …

Sometimes we parent types get on a bad streak of riding our kids about something they aren’t doing right.  Over and over they mess up – repeat offenders of the something they should know better about.  Yes, please don’t misinterpret this as saying that parents shouldn’t comment about things their kids need to improve.  But I want you to put on your thinking cap for a minute about why you notice it and react the way you do.

Think for a moment about something your child or children tend to mess up somewhat frequently.  Maybe it’s picking up their dirty clothes, forgetting homework, being too loud, whatever.  Let’s assume that like any normal person, you aren’t always consistent in the way you react to it.  Sometimes you might be more calm and brief with your comments.  Other times you might get more emotional and go on a tear.

What’s that about?  Were their offenses really worse when you got more upset, and not so bad when you remained calm?  Maybe, but maybe not.  Think of the most recent example in your mind, recent enough to remember your own emotional state of mind.  Were you feeling like you weren’t getting enough done, weren’t being appreciated, were embarrassed about a mistake you made, were disappointed in yourself for some reason?  Was your spouse, boss, or best friend crabby and critical of you recently?  Maybe the problem has tweaked some thought that you aren’t being a good enough parent to get them to follow your directions about picking up after themselves.

Now hear me, sometimes you may have reacted to your child’s misdeeds more strongly because you were justified in doing so.  Obviously, that happens and that’s understandable.  But what about those times when your perspective was skewed, when your own frustration and self criticism colored the way you responded to your children’s issues?

For example – your son’s dirty clothes have been left in the bathroom every day for the last two months, but just THIS week you’ve gotten mad at them four days in a row.  Was this offense any …

Try telling that one to any kid you know and you will get a big fat, “NO!”  But really, deep down, kids get it.  The older they get, the better they can appreciate it.  Granted, kids don’t like following rules when it means they can’t do what they want.  But aside from that, kids really do understand the benefits of rules.  Here
are just a few.

They Know Who Is In Charge

Kids feel more at ease and secure when they know who’s running the show.  I know some kids would like to believe it is them (when it comes to fun stuff).  But when things get serious and difficult, kids are all too happy to leave that up to the adults.

Even though my five year old would like to be the Queen of Everything most days, I know she wouldn’t want to be in charge of a tornado drill or a real life fire evacuation.  That’s adult stuff, as it should be.  When kids really know who is running the show, they can relax and be carefree.  They don’t have to worry about all the serious details.  They just need to respect and follow the person in charge, and the adults will take care of the rest.

They Know They Have A Fair Chance

Games are all about rules.  And kids are ruthless about calling out someone who appears to be cheating or doing something unfair.  The goal of many games is to win, and everyone expects to have their fair chance at it.  If they lose but everyone is following the rules, they can take the loss better and muster up the courage to try again.  But if they lose and they know someone was changing the rules on them, they know it’s unfair.

Nobody wants to be around someone who cheats and gets around authority.  It might seem cool to some kids, but most look down upon that behavior.  This applies at home, too.  It’s important for kids to know how to get privileges and what you expect from them.  They can know exactly how to earn their …

I’ve smacked my forehead and gritted my teeth more than once about this.  I have a kid capable of XYZ amazing thing, but with this other ABC skill it’s like they are a much younger kid.  Sigh – and herein lies the test of patience for parents.  Understanding that their kids’ skills don’t all show up at the same rate.

I have one kid who’s been in the high ability learner category for years.  Somehow, still eats like a preschooler.  I have another who’s social awareness is significantly higher than her siblings, but can’t remember pick up her dirty clothes to save her life.  Yet one more who has consistently gotten recognition at school for responsibility and following directions, but has trouble with certain personal care tasks each and every day.

My problem?  I expect it all to come in at the same speed – or in my dream world, that is.  Hopefully, I’m not the only one who’s fallen for this pipe dream.  When you see growth in leaps and bounds in one area, it is sometimes dumbfounding to see how lacking they still are in another.  Sometimes it’s quite dramatic.

Recently, I was reminded by someone in my family about my own issues as a kid.  Ahem, yes I remember too.  I was pretty sloppy for a lot of years.  Now that I think of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if my mom pulled her hair a lot back then when she saw my room.  However, I did do many good things with my time back then and finally developed better organization skills in my thirties.  (Ooo, how impatient do I look now about my kid??)

I guess this could follow the theory about children’s physical development.  When a baby is learning to walk, they might not make much advancement in their speech.  When they are busy managing an explosion of words, they may still be slow in the physical department.  The body and mind make choices on what they can focus on.

Just thinking about it like this makes me see it a little differently.  Perhaps instead …

Yesterday I brought up the often uncomfortable topic of saying no to family members.  When you haven’t learned this skill over years of time, it can be a challenge to start.  Keep these things in mind as you learn how to say no when you really need to.

Kind Canned Phrases – Keep a few example statements fresh in your mind to whip out when you need to.  No need to be rude, just direct and with a bit of sweetness to acknowledge their interest in you.  “Oh thanks for asking, that sounds great.  But sorry, I can’t.”   Or, “I’m so glad to see you.  I’m in the middle of something, so I can’t let you in right now.  I’ll call you later today.  Thanks!”

Have An Exit Plan – If you have trouble keeping on schedule when you spend time with your sister, have a firm exit plan before you ever commit your time.  Know you needs for making the transition between weekends and work or school days.  Understand the time and stress level of traveling to her house.  Understand your child’s limits for going back and forth and needing the comfort of home.  Protect your child’s bedtime routine.

When you have these guidelines firm in your mind, you can make a more realistic plan.  If you try to do this on the fly, you are more likely to be influenced by your sister’s emotions at the moment.  If you set the boundary ahead of time, you can keep better control.

Hold Your Boundaries Firmly -  I’m reminded of a funny conversation from a classic Seinfeld episode.  Jerry makes a reservation for a certain car, but when he tries to pick it up, the rental company is out of the kind he requested.  He laments to a rental agent about how they know how to take the reservation, but they apparently don’t know how to HOLD the reservation.  And it’s the holding that really matters.

Just like with Jerry’s situation, holding to your stated boundary is what really counts.  If you make a firm statement but let your family …

It’s a good and a bad thing that parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual.  There are many good ways to do good things in a family.  It’s wonderful that people have the freedom to pass on meaningful traditions, promote their children’s welfare, and be involved in their lives.  However, when you haven’t been brought up in the best of conditions, some helpful directions would sure come in handy.

For many people, one of the most difficult things to learn is how to say “no” when they really need to.  When you are floating around in life as a  single person, you may not notice the impact as much.  You might attribute any problems as being someone else’s fault.  But when you create the next generation in your family, this problem usually becomes pretty obvious.

If your parents seem to manipulate you with their emotions, if you have been sheltered for a long time, if you have been left to grow yourself up for many years, you may have difficulty with this type of boundary.  Saying “no” is good when you need some healthy separation.  But this is kind of a two way thing.  If your ability to set boundaries has always been weak, it may be at the root of some of your most troubling family problems.

Let’s say your brother has always treated you like the baby of the family.  You’ve been excused, protected, not made to be responsible, not seen as having anything important going on, not treated with the dignity of an independent adult.  Having a freewheeling lifestyle can be appealing, and even easier if your brother is on board with it.  But when you really want his respect, it’s going to be difficult.

Not only has he modeled weak boundaries for you, he’s going to fight you when you want to establish some on your own.  When he can’t drop by unannounced, or volunteer you to do things at his house at random times of the day, or call multiple times a day, he’s going to be upset.  You start saying “no” sometimes, and …