It’s a good and a bad thing that parenting doesn’t come with an instruction manual.  There are many good ways to do good things in a family.  It’s wonderful that people have the freedom to pass on meaningful traditions, promote their children’s welfare, and be involved in their lives.  However, when you haven’t been brought up in the best of conditions, some helpful directions would sure come in handy.

For many people, one of the most difficult things to learn is how to say “no” when they really need to.  When you are floating around in life as a  single person, you may not notice the impact as much.  You might attribute any problems as being someone else’s fault.  But when you create the next generation in your family, this problem usually becomes pretty obvious.

If your parents seem to manipulate you with their emotions, if you have been sheltered for a long time, if you have been left to grow yourself up for many years, you may have difficulty with this type of boundary.  Saying “no” is good when you need some healthy separation.  But this is kind of a two way thing.  If your ability to set boundaries has always been weak, it may be at the root of some of your most troubling family problems.

Let’s say your brother has always treated you like the baby of the family.  You’ve been excused, protected, not made to be responsible, not seen as having anything important going on, not treated with the dignity of an independent adult.  Having a freewheeling lifestyle can be appealing, and even easier if your brother is on board with it.  But when you really want his respect, it’s going to be difficult.

Not only has he modeled weak boundaries for you, he’s going to fight you when you want to establish some on your own.  When he can’t drop by unannounced, or volunteer you to do things at his house at random times of the day, or call multiple times a day, he’s going to be upset.  You start saying “no” sometimes, and the picture changes.

Imagine you now have a spouse and child.  Well, dropping by unannounced is one thing when you don’t have a lot going on.  It’s completely different when this begins to disrupt bedtime, disrupt conversations with your spouse, cause conflict because you run off to do what your brother says whenever he calls without considering the needs of your marriage or children.  You just have to go see him right now.  You can’t seem to hang up when your brother starts complaining on the phone about his troubles.

This is the time to learn how to say no, kindly but firmly.  It might feel uncomfortable for a while, but that feeling isn’t a sign that you shouldn’t set the boundary.  Each time you say no when you really need to, you grow up just a little bit more.  Even if you are technically an adult, doing this can help you feel more mature and more secure with yourself.

Please check in tomorrow for some helpful suggestions about learning to say “no” to a family member.  In the meantime, feel free to share any stories you have about learning to say “no” to a family member when you really needed to.  Your comments always bring so much more to the topic than I ever can alone.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (October 2, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 2 Oct 2009