Sometimes we parent types get on a bad streak of riding our kids about something they aren’t doing right.  Over and over they mess up – repeat offenders of the something they should know better about.  Yes, please don’t misinterpret this as saying that parents shouldn’t comment about things their kids need to improve.  But I want you to put on your thinking cap for a minute about why you notice it and react the way you do.

Think for a moment about something your child or children tend to mess up somewhat frequently.  Maybe it’s picking up their dirty clothes, forgetting homework, being too loud, whatever.  Let’s assume that like any normal person, you aren’t always consistent in the way you react to it.  Sometimes you might be more calm and brief with your comments.  Other times you might get more emotional and go on a tear.

What’s that about?  Were their offenses really worse when you got more upset, and not so bad when you remained calm?  Maybe, but maybe not.  Think of the most recent example in your mind, recent enough to remember your own emotional state of mind.  Were you feeling like you weren’t getting enough done, weren’t being appreciated, were embarrassed about a mistake you made, were disappointed in yourself for some reason?  Was your spouse, boss, or best friend crabby and critical of you recently?  Maybe the problem has tweaked some thought that you aren’t being a good enough parent to get them to follow your directions about picking up after themselves.

Now hear me, sometimes you may have reacted to your child’s misdeeds more strongly because you were justified in doing so.  Obviously, that happens and that’s understandable.  But what about those times when your perspective was skewed, when your own frustration and self criticism colored the way you responded to your children’s issues?

For example – your son’s dirty clothes have been left in the bathroom every day for the last two months, but just THIS week you’ve gotten mad at them four days in a row.  Was this offense any worse the last four days than the first two months?  Probably not.  I’ve done this myself more times than I would like to admit, so I’m not offering judgment here.  Just hoping to massage your brain just a little, loosen it up so you can see how things are connecting in there.

Take heart here and give yourself a break.  Nobody is a perfect textbook example of parenting.  We are human and we sometimes let our own emotional state affect how we convey things to our kids.  If you know you’ve done this, admit it to your kid right away.  And if you have good cause to discuss a problematic behavior, make sure they know that still needs to be corrected.  But help them know that your level of reaction was connected more to something inside you.  Taking your issue out of the picture will help them focus on the problem instead of feeling like you’ve dumped all over them.

Take care of yourself, parents.  And take it easy on yourself a little more often.  I know I’ll be trying to do that myself.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (October 8, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 8 Oct 2009