I have an extended family reunion coming up (first in six years) and will bear in mind your words of wisdom.

es, I can understand how someone can step back from a hurtful relationship. I walked away from one involving my mom 10 or so years ago. Though, to this day, I still cannot make sense of it or understand how or why a mother could write off a daughter(s)or her own grandchildren.

Do you have any more info on this subject? I recently estranged myself from my mom & 2 sisters in May 09. Im 57. This rejection has been going on since I was little. They also make assumptions about me that are untrue & talk behind my back. I am currently getting counseling to deal with this and clinical depression and PTSD. Thank you for any suggestions you might have.

What can a mother do, other than keep quiet when a daughter or son is neglectful and slovenly and she is this way towards her children? It has led to quietly cleaning up her messes which she seems ashamed of yet she persists. I have been concerned for the kids, supportive of her efforts, encouraging but, nothing motivates her. Help!

It all makes sense, but sometimes stepping back from these situations does inflict pain on parents or others. That’s what keeps me involved, although now I am at a stage of seeing my sister when ‘I’ want to see her & thankfully my parents understand. Sometimes loving someone really isn’t enough.

Strife and division run rampant in my family now that my father passed away and Mother has alzheimer’s and there’s no one left to defend me. I can’t believe the jealousy in my brother/his wife, my cousins and my aunts. They actually turned on me right when my father died…my most lowest point…how cruel and low…it’s been almost 4 yrs. now and I’m finally at the point where I am ready to cut them loose. The panic attacks I have had around them is just not worth it!

This is good advice. After many years of unwittingly being criticised and put down, my elder sister, who has only ever received my help, has been criticising and putting me down behind my back. She has caused a negative effect on my father, who is very close to her and who believed her lies. This caused many hassles between my father and myself, and I could not fathom out why. Eventually, through her own now grown up children, I finally found out what was going on. I have no wish to have anything whatsoever to do with her now, even though I am seriously ill. She’s lost out on a fairly good person (me)and she will probably, some day, realize that she,and not I, is on her own. ALL DUE TO ENVY!

My family and i haven’t talked for at least 5 years now. My older brother had passed away 7 years ago. We were not talking before he got sick.When he was dying i got a call to come and see him. That is when our family got back together. One day i had said some harsh things to my mom about not being there before my brother passed.My father would always cut him down.I told them i didn’t want to hear it.My father was great for doing that behind his back.When he passed my parents were very upset of course. About a year or so later my mom was talking about my brother i just lost it. I told her that when he was alive they never had anything good to say about him or his wife.Accusing his wife of having an affair when he was sick.I told my mom to stop. I then let her have it telling her that when he was alive they didn’t care and now that he is dead they go to his gravesite and now talk good about him.They don’t bother with my sister in law at all or my brothers children. After i told her off she or anyone in my family have not talked to me for at least 5 years now. They have never seen my 2 grandsons that are5 and 17 nonths.The 5 year old looks just like my brother. It has upset me for 2 years but i have just let it go and gone on with my life. My father is a mental abuser and always was when i lived at home. As i got older i stood up to him and that is why he doesn’t like me. My other brother and sister are like his puppets. They have to go through him to make a decision. He always has his comments about people. My brother and sister are both married too. I wish i would have stood up sooner to him. I got married at 18 to escape him. He still wanted to control me. Everyone tells me i should get in touch with them if anything would happen. No one knows what i went through. I tell them to mind their own business. My daughter tells me that if they would pass don’t expect her to go see them. I don’t think i would either. My son works for my dad and he hasn’t spoken to me for 5 years either. I know my father has told him that if he speaks to me he will not have a job.My son is married now and had a big wedding without me. This with my son has broken my heart. I divorced young and raised my kids by myself and was always told what a great job i did. My son sent me a xmas card and i sent one back saying i would like to see him and his wife. I have heard nothing. He doen’t even speak to my daughter. Would you say this is a messed up disfunctional family?

Wow, I thought its not a topic for anyone else and htought Im the onkly one suffering this kind of situation. Thanks,it just confirmed things for me.

The article is really quite good…but the “bear” analogy may not be the best one. A mother bear fights for her family and in dealing with a hurtful relationship, “fighting” is not the answer. Abstinence (part time or full time) is the only way you can avoid a toxic relationship. Learning to “exit” a toxic conversation or confrontation is the skill most of us need to work on!

well, whatif it your sister in law pitting to keep drama going and her brother being the bully? maried to one that swollows her words like tripe, and says stuff and he don’t remember and she the same and you end up being treated like crap and called a liar and yelled at?

My brother told me that I am not one of his sisters, it was very hurtful. I thought he was drunk but when he said agin and told my other siters that my late father told him that I was mixed up in the hospital, I know he is lying if I may say I was my dad’s fovourite he wants to spoil good memories I have of my dad, now what made me stop talking to all my sisters is they can see that it hurts me but they keep saying it everytime and saying it it funny even though I don’t laugh. I don’t hate my brother I just don’t want him near me ever in my life my sister I talk to them but not like I use to, I don’t feel the bond with them anymore. I moved to England, I miss them but I am at peace.nobody bugs me with you are not our sister. The thing is my parents passed away and I don’t want to intertain this story I want to remember my parents as loving parents not question them in their grave. What do you think I must do?

My Husband has a twin brother who is always hurtful and has a cocky attitude and the worse thing is he is our next door neighbor. Every time things seem to get better he says something sarcastic or hurtful. We have lived with this for 40 years. This article reminds me of our situation and for years we have thought maybe we could handle the situation better blaming ourselves for getting angry at him . What do you think is wrong with people like him???

Wow! I’m going through this sort of thing right now. I am a 55 year old female, oldest of seven. Last winter my father was VERY sick and in the hospital. My brother thought that my father was going to pass on. My brother is 51 and has no life, he was living in Arkansas with a bar fly and decided to move back home to “take care of my parents”. Well, they let him…. My brother does not get along with ANYONE in the family and intimidates everyone he comes in contact with. Last June my Mother found out she had breast cancer, since then she has had a mastectomy and chemo. My four sisters decided my parents had made a bad decision to have my brother living with them and banned together to make my parents suffer for their decision. They refuse to go visit, and make comments ALL the time. I on the other hand visit with my parents because my husband passed on from cancer, I know what the chemo does, and I knew Mom would need support. Now none of my sisters speak to me because they say I have sided in with my brother. My words to them were, “It is not fair to give Mom and Dad the ultimatum to get rid of one of their kids to have the love and support of the rest.” AND certainly NOT at this time. I have been shunned from ANY sister outings or visits. Also other nit picky complaints have been brought forward that I have, or other sisters have done in the past that irritated others. This is HUGE in my family right now, I do not speak to any of them and continue to visit my parents (or phone) them daily. I don’t want anyone to tell me I’m right, just tell me how do I cope with the pain of being alone in this battle?

Priscilla, I agree, good article, but I raised 3 children alone due to divorce. NO ONE messed with my kids and I always considered that to be “mother bear” type.

I am so grateful to have read this article. My situation involves my mother-in-law. I have been married to my husband for 25 years and for every one of those years, my mother-in-law has hated me with a passion. She has badmouthed me so much to her own relatives that I can no longer attend any of their family’s events. None of them ever bothered to get to know me because they believed my mother-in-law’s lies about me. As far as they are concerned I am a spawn of hell and I deliberately stole my husband away from their family. Because I will not attend their family events, my husband has stopped attending as well. As a result, my mother-in-law has intensified her war against me. No longer content to run me down in front of her family, she now is doing it in front of my two grown sons and my daughters-in-law.

Few people write about verbally abusive relationships. I have a verbally abusive father and since I never learned to set proper boundaries with him, I also picked a mentally abusive husband.
I’m so glad you wrote about this, because I think more people suffer from verbally abusive relationships than is talked about. It has taken most of my middle age adult years to recover from having impaired boundaries, since learning to set boundaries can trigger guilt to the extreme. It took alot of practice. A good therapist/partner/friend/self-help books got me through it, along with sometimes bracing myself and summoning courage. It was by summoning the courage that I realized I was worth something. It is especially hard for women who have had critical authoritarian male figures in their lives: dads, teachers, bosses, and sad to say of our own choosing– our husbands.

I HAVE A BROTHER WHO LIES ABOUT HIS HEALTH. AND HAS USED FAMILY MEMBERS TO FALL FOR HIS “STORY”. I HAVE CHECKED OUT HIS MENTAL HEALTH STORY AND MY FRIEND WHO HAPPENS TO SEE “TONY” ON A REGULAR BASIS SAID THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM AND I SHOULD BE CAUTIOUS AROUND HIM. I TOLD HIM I HAVE KIDS AND I DECIDED ON MY OWN TO KEEP MY KIDS DISTANT FROM HIM UNTIL “TONY” STARTS TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT HIS HEALTH. I HAVE TO PROTECT MY KIDS. AND I HAVE THE RIGHT TO DO SO. MY HUSBAND AGREES WITH ME. THE KIDS ASK ABOUT THEIR UNCLE “TONY” AND I JUST TELL THEM UNCLE “TONY” IS NOT TELLING TRUTHS AND I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL HE LEARNS HE HAS TO BE HINEST IN ALL THINGS. AS FOR ME “TONY” NEEDS TO GROW UP AND STOP USING PEOPLE AS A CRUTCH AND LET PEOPLE NOT FALL FOR ALL THE LIES.

I have an older sister Gillian that has bullied me for my entire life. She does it in a underhanded slick way and has convinced my other sisters that I am just constantly overreacting. My brothers aren’t blind, they see her ugliness. I had to cut her out of my life completely. The only thing I can think of me ever doing to her was just being born next after her. The other sister that stickes up for her and can’t see my position…she is cut off too. One day she will wake up and see she is being controlled somehow. Either way all that toxicity is gone and I am free! No more hideous criticisms and judgements. No more snide and belittleing remarks. Any time anyone I date criticizes me, they are cut off immediately. I love being free to be me! Thank you LORD!

Whatever happened to unconditional love and support? To forgiveness and understanding? Yes, I’m sure a lot of families have that one member that pushes their buttons, probably even dances on it. When family should be the most important thing in one’s life, talking things out and sharing feelings should be in place before you just give up. Everyone and has strengths and weaknesses, your advice should center more on strengthening relationships not severing them.

My daughter and I have not spoken for nearly 3 years. She doesn’t understand that I get hurt just like anyone else. She has more forgiveness and generosity for her friends and in laws, than for her own mom. She is more impressed with magnanimous gestures than the “steady, always there”.
I had pneumonia for 5 weeks and not once did she call and express concern. She told my husband she would only come home if I got admitted to the hospital. I am depressed, sad and hurt that my only daughter will never be there when I really need her.

What I have learned is that dysfunction has become the norm anymore. As with any family, whether it be immediate or extended, or even work “family” there is always at least one person who is, usually unknowingly, the “sandpaper” - rubs the wrong way, leaves you feeling raw, is, at a minimum, uncomfortable to be around. Most of us don’t have the option to “quit” this person or people but we can do the only thing we have any control over & that is limit our contact with them. We cannot change who they are, what they think or say or how they treat us - the only thing we can control, to a degree, is our exposure to them. I have learned to live, after many years & certainly the hard way, Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent”. By the way, she was a very wise woman - if you have a minute, go to http://www.quotationspage.com & do a search on her name. The more you read, the stronger you will become - smart, smart lady!

MY MOTHER WAS THE CRITICAL ONE IN MY LIFE AND I SPENT A LIFTIME BINGING AND AM 100 LBS OVERWEIGHT BECAUSE I CAN’T GET PAST THE HURT..MY PROBLEM IS MY MOM HAS PASSED ON AND I CAN’T CONFRONT HER WITH MY PAIN. WHAT CAN I DO ABOUT THIS??

The hurtful person is my spouse! It has become so bad he has told me on many occasions that he hates my kids and always will….He has pushed me away from my kids(not his kids) I am 47 he is 53, i need help, it is killing me.Any ideas, besides divorce?

What if it’s your spouse?

I’m going through family problems due to my son’s girlfriend, with whom he has a child with and is expecting a second. We live 3 hrs. apart, so we don’t see each other that often, but when I do go down to where they live, I never get to talk alone with my son. She always has to be right there, an d the minute we get a chance to talk, she calls him to take the baby, do something, etc.. I would love to have even just a 1/2 hour to listen to my son play guitar and have a chance to talk with him, WITHOUT HER!

I too have a an uneasy relationship with both of my brothers. They both have very short fuses and it’s always during the holidays that emotions erupt. Over the years,iIts alway been my home where the family has gathered. I’ve alway enjoyed preparing the ethnic holiday food that everyone enjoys and looks forward to. However, at some point, a discussion will get started and sensitive issues will be brought up and a argument will erupt spoiling the day. Being the older sister, I have always taken on the role as peacemaker in the family but it has taken its toll on me emotionally all these years. Now that my own children are grown and live out of state, my husband and I decided celebrating the holidays did not have be in our home . So, we decided to break the tradition & now have the freedom to choose where we will celebrate. It is so liberating and enjoying! Now, when I do see my brothers, it is usually separately and not as often, they still bring up how dissapointed they are that we don’t gather here any long , but they are getting used to the change.
I

I have asked God for help this week…then this article came…I grew up with an alcoholic Dad who was abusive and a mentally ill Mom who slipped away into her own little world because that was the only way she could handle him….my older sister and I Survived! Mom died 6 years ago Dad died 2 years ago….my sister walked away from the grave site and never spoke to me again….I have tried to call, email, sent cards, communicate with her daughters through email BUT no answers. I could let it go because even though we love each other, we have never gotten along more than an hour at the time, but we are joint owners in Mom’s old house and property now. My Sister seems ok with just walking away and letting me take care of the costs of upkeep on the property just like she let me take care of our Mom who died from skin cancer that just ate her alive. She never goes to the property anymore that I am aware of…she never talks to aunts, uncles, cousins who are still alive and live in our hometown nor puts flowers on the graves. It’s a 5 hour drive for me to get to our hometown but I love going back to visit the extended family and I feel close to Mom when I stay at the old house. I haven’t wanted to sell the property yet but have not heard from my sister that she wants to either..she does pay her share of the taxes but that’s it..I am ok paying the power and water bill because I am the only one that goes there…but there is a lot of yard work that has to be done unless we just let the grass, weeds and bushes grow to an unsightly mess, which attracts undesirable people. I really don’t want this to turn into a legal battle nor do I want to leave it to our children to battle over either. Do you have any other suggestions? After reading your article..I can see not only my side of things but also some of the things my sister must feel as well…but I am me and she is she and I don’t know how to change that…any suggestions are welcome.

Bj ,,unconditional love doesn’t mean you have to allow a family member to emotionally abuse you ! It only means you don’t stop loving them because of their actions .You can still love them from a distance or learn to walk away whenever they become emotionally abusive so that it doesn’t effect your own self worth . Whatever it takes to keep your own self worth, nobody needs to play the roll of a marter and allow themselves to be emotionally abused by anyone!

I love my son and always will but I don’t think because I love him that gives him permission to verbally abuse me .
It is a heartbreaking choice to make to put distance between yourself and your own child or other family member that you love deeply, but it comes down to a choice between giving them permission to abuse you ,”which eventually will destroy your own self worth,” or self preservation and keeping your self worth .

My sister (my only sibling - younger than I am)is like that….it seems whenever she finds ‘her’ opportune moment, she throws in a barb enough to make that little cut inside of me that never seems to heal because of her.
Always reverting to my shyer, teenager years when I chose to stay home and be more of a homebody as she partied her face off. At times, having my father go pick her up ‘off of her friend’s lawn’ cuz she was passed out. Lovely, eh?
Well, I usually take the higher ground and ignore her for the simple fact that if I brought up the many times she was an embarrassment to our family, she wouldn’t look too good in the eyes of those present when she decides to look like a complete fool.
I now do theatre and have performed in front of halls full of people while she can’t get up to wish our Dad a happy birthday in front of a handful of people. Look who’s laughing now!!?? ha ha.

For me, it’s my dad. And I tried to handle a casual relationship with him. He said that’s too hurtful; it was his way or the high way. I chose the high way. I miss the man I used to know as my dad. Now we don’t talk and his mother sees me as the anti-christ for being such a terrible daughter that I don’t even call my father. I’m still in college and for my birthday this year he sent me a health care bill and that’s it- there wasn’t even a note with it.

For some people I hope that a casual relationship can work. For me, my dad is gone, and it still hurts like hell.

wooo weee. We have a sisterinlaw in our family that constantly riles up us, and then coooos to our children, behaving as she is the savior of the family and everyone else is evil. She is evil, evil, evil and loves it.

I have learned a valueable lession, and that is I AM not in control of everyone or everything. I can only control myself… That said, I can acknolage that certan ppl are just not ment to be around me. Some ppl are just selfish and hurtfull and I don’t need to have them hurt me anymore. I CAN choose who I have around me. I am 31 yrs old and for most of those yrs I let certan ppl control what I did by telling me my choices weren’t good enough. So their choices were “better”. I’m no longer in contact with those ppl. I am good enough to choose my own life. As to the person saying we need to not give up on ppl I haven’t given up on anyone, I just don’t need to be belittled at every turn. I am empowering myself.

My heart has always told me one thing, but my circumstances were another! I am an only child, had a controlling father (quiet - behind the scenes) and my mother (daughter of an alcoholic father) manipulated me all my life - to do it all and do it all perfectly. Appearances were all that mattered in our household. People thought she was a really giving person, but I knew from what she said at home, she did things because they were necessary and if she could get out of it without looking bad outside our little family unit of 3, she did. Ultimately, she had to move from another state to be near me (single and professional job) and later we actually moved into a house together! WHAT WAS I THINKING? She fell, had to use a walker, felt I left each day in professional dress w/a case to go “play” and to mandated conferences for “vacations,” (I took her each and every time I went on a vacation and even once to a conference with me- at least she saw me dress professionally each day and go to meetings instead of putting on a bathing suit and lying on the beach all day, but I paid w/my own money & we stayed in the nicest B&B so she would be happy during the day so THAT gave a false impression). After 2 yrs of demanding I do everything instantly at her bidding I had a nervous breakdown, attempted suicide, had 12 shock therapy (jepordized my job), and was told by 3 psychiatrists I could no longer live with her - I would die before she did. So she lived alone in our home while I moved out into a small apartment. I checked on her everyday, but she made it a point to push that guilt-trip button virtually each time we spoke and visited. After 4 years in a nursing home w/my visiting her daily & taking her clothing home to wash (and usually her roommates as well - I AM a kind person, who has always worked in a serving capacity) she passed away. It took me 5 years of additional intensive therapy to even come to terms with a lifetime of being manipulated by an “emotional vampire” that I could NOT step back from. I love her. Always have, always will, and tried to please her from my earliest years, but I never measured up. She told me once “You were born to take care of me in my old age.” How do you take that? I’m better now, 7 yrs after her death, and do look back at the good things and sometimes I can think more clearly about her life just from being away from that daily drain. She had more to deal with than I knew at the time, but it never gave her the right to abuse me emotionally.
Alice

It is only Halloween and I am already dreading the upcoming holidays. My mother passed away from Cancer when I was very young—leaving my Dad, Brother, Sister and I. My dad soon remarried to a woman with 2 daughters. They were married for more than 30 years, until she unexpectedly passed away a year and half ago. While I got along well with my stepmother the last few very years of her life and their marriage—most of the years were nothing but pain, turmoil and heartache for all involved. NOW, my dad is alone in their home, and has many health issues. My siblings believe I should give up my home an hour away and move in and take care of him because I don’t have a family and they do. My dad is an extremely difficult and needy person. He is ungratful and just expects all of us to drop everything and wait on him hand and foot. He could care less about anyone other than himself. He doesn’t appreciate anything we do for him, but keeps a little journal of who has or hasn’t called him that day—or who hasn’t paid him enough attention. I don’t believe for a second that he actually loves me—he only wants the life back he had when my stepmother was alive—someone to wait on him non stop and do his bidding.
My sister is controlling, bossy,judgemental and always right about everything. It’s her way, or no way. And she decides what “best” for dad (based on her own guilt) whether my brother and I agree with it or not. It is very very difficult, upsetting and emotionally draining thinking of the upcoming holidays—which should be such a happy and joyous time……..I wish it were January.

The pain in some of your stories is so tangible. I too have struggled with this, the poor self-esteem stemming from an abusive family, but had the advantage of distance–running away from home at 15, and joining the military and seeing the world–before I could better understand the dynamics going on in my family. I suddenly recognized that we (siblings and parents) kept rehashing some rehearsed negative responses to each other every time we came together. It was like we were stuck in some weird timewarp and kept playing the day over and over.

My family would go to movies together in order to avoid talking to each other.

However, it was the youngest sibling who worked for years to pull the family together. To the shock and surprise of all, least of all me, my mother now lives with me and we’ve broken the cycle of mental abuse she wasn’t aware she was inflicting. When she makes negative comments, I do not respond as I did as a child, but instead ask her very quietly and politely (none of the disdain or yelling of previous)–would you say such a thing to your next door neighbor?
When she acts childish or petty, as she did by buying a mp3 player for a long car ride and make a noisy point of putting it on, remarking peevishly “because I don’t want to listen to That Music You Play!”, instead of making a similar gesture, or rolling my eyes or a similar response, I now said very kindly and quietly as I would to an honored guest “please, just tell me when you don’t care for something I play…here is the satellite controller…find something we can both listen to”. That simple response has revolutionized how we travel together, and she goes out of her way now to find things I like.
She actually goes out of her way to try to please me both in her cooking, taking care of my plants, and other things. Not all relationships can be completely changed as has Srelationship with my sister and mother. I feel for all of you and especially ms Silva above and would say to you to figure out how you can change the dynamics by recognizing your own response to others, and instead of thinking of these people as people who “Should This…(love me for who I am)” or “should that…(shouldn’t say such hurtful things)”, think of them as stranger or co-workers who do not know the real you, and when they cross the boundaries, calmly tell them as politely, kindly as you can (and pick your battles!) that maybe they don’t intend to be hurtful, but it does hurt, and please lets not do/say that again.
My mother regularly doesn’t remember that I cannot eat seafood, have asthma, and other things that a friend/relative would remember after long association. I realized that after leaving at 15 she doesn’t remember me, and has to get to know me. After a couple months here, she has gotten to know me well, and as I understand from other siblings, says very nice things about to my sister (never to me directly).
She never knew the real me, nor I her, and now she is nurturing, and quite wonderful.
Remember folks–power of forgiveness–the forgiveness is for you, not them. forgive, do what you can to accept these family members for who and what they are, set boundaries, do as you say you will do, do not get upset visibly but, do not reward bad behavior on their part. Extricate yourself politely. It sends a clear message of strength, self-control, and self-respect.
I hope those bearing such pain find some solace and others to replace those basic human needs for their own people.

I have now decided that No, my brother will never change his hurtful ways with me, especially, and with my family. Sooooooooooo, i’m going to BE that mama bear and truly limit my time with him. The only problem is that I love my nieces and want to be a part of their lives… How do I go about that without leaving myself open to his meanness?

This is a situation that i have been dealing with for my entire life. I unfortunately have a mother, sister, and brother who all seem to regard me as less than human. They have all done very hurtful things to me over the years without any remorse and finally I cut off my relationship with my sister about 14 years ago. However, since i still continued to try and deal with my mother, who by the way, was the real problem person in my life, it was just a mess. I have learned that you cannot half do it. Either you cut off all or none because the “enablers”, which in my case was mostly my sister and my brother much less, it was futile. Toxic people must be cut off completely. Small doses just did not work for me. To heal an open wound you must sew it up completely, not just part of it. So my life lesson has been that the first step to healing emotional and verbal abuse is to walk away from it and not let it into your life. The article is right, it was my ridiculous hope that things would change that kept me stuck. Today i am free of all three of them and i am on my way to healing. Halleluyah. Praise god.

Oh, dear. This is way too common a problem!
We grew up in a very physically violent and emotionally abusive family by a psychotic father and powerless, broken mother. I told myself that when I grew up, I would have children and love them without any violence in our home. I did that. What went wrong?
My children are now in their late 20s, early 30s. I seldom hear from them. I loved and loved and loved, probably too much. Because they are spoiled and blame me/others for most of their problems.
Them most painful part is that no matter how many times I have tried to bridge the void created by my adult children, there was no response from them, or very minimal and shallow. I am now alone, very ill with chronic serious illness, and they do not call or visit.
So my life did not turn out the way I had hoped. I foresee myself dying alone, and no one finding out until days/weeks/ perhaps months later. I am too sick to get out. I used to be an RN and loved comforting others. Now, well, such is life.
At least I live in Hawai’i surrounded by physical beauty and I keep spiritually strong through prayer and Bible reading. Without it I would have nothing to hang onto.
Aloha

WOW: Thank you for showing me that I am NOT alone in my struggles with my family, because I really NEED to hear something POSITIVE right now. My particular nightmare dates back to my childhood, but I have tried to overlook those ‘it’s your parents’ fault’ ideas to become the person I want to be. But, while I am respected, etc. by others, my siblings (one?) don’t want to know that they have more to learn about the most recent situations and the BAD attitude towards me. We’ve never been ‘close’, due to age gaps, out-dated jealousies on their part and their disinterest in knowing the truth, but I feel driven to forgive them and keep ‘trying’ because they are my family and I love them, in spite of their abuse,…I was taught well, the “GUILT” aspect of being a woman, from an early age, from my poor, suffering Mother!!!! Now, I have been disowned because I stood up for myself and my son has been branded a PUNK, because he stood up for me, too. My home (part of Mom’s estate) is threatened and my health is falling apart from the stress of dealing with my own problems, worrying about my diabetic son (single parent for 28 yrs and still on my own) and now the ‘nasties’ from my own family, so your article has helped me to feel a bit bdetter for a moment in time,…thank you.

—I know many sad and secret matters from my parents’ past and how it has affected all of the family. My Mom has passed away, leaving me to deal with the manipulations and untruths she used to get attention from my brothers. I am being ostracized by the family and bullied over a legal matter in my Mom’s estate, concerning the home I live in, after caring for her for 17 yrs., on my own,…you can get the picture?! I don’t know IF I should try to tell my brothers the truth about our Mom, to try to get them to stop being abusive to me,…they do not hold Mom to the level of highest regard that I do, in the first place (old, paternalistic family structure), and I am very protective of her memory, so I feel like I shouldn’t say anything bad about her, even in death, because then I would be disrepecting her, too,,,you know the cliche, “don’t speak ill of the dead”!!!! Should I make the effort to correct their knowledge of the situation (chance their denial, etc.) to help my own situation with them and leave them totally disrespectful of her, or should I find another way to ‘tough’ it out with them and chance losing my home and their branch of the family? They haven’t had very much to do with me over the years, anyway, but the legal situation is a real problem since they have some money and I have none, so I NEED the house that was promised to me in exchange for caring for
Mom. What should I do,…I love them, but I loved my Mom,…good or bad,…and the stress of the situation is becoming too much for me. I’d really like to hear some objective opinions, if possible, please?

Seen and or spoken to my sister maybe 3 times in 4 years. Did not attend my recent wedding even though my Dad gave her money for a dress, and she told me she was coming. Called her three days ago to let her know that my Dad was in hospital out of courtesy. She just left me a message and wants me to take her to hospital to visit Dad. I will for my Dad, but I have set boundaries for myself.

I walked away from 2 sisters and a niece. One of my sister’s husband is verbally abusive to me but do to her religion she refuses to go against him and another sister likes to point out how perfect her adult children are and pick at my adult children’s faults. My adult niece acts like my best friend until other people are near us and then she criticizes me. She also does this to her mother who moved away and only sees her once every other year. Anyways I always felt there was something wrong with me because I did walk away from them rather than dealing with it due to them being family. Thank you for the encouragement.

this is all so familiar to me.i’ve been having problems with my mom for as long as i can remember,even some of my siblings have problems with her also,but i’ve had it worse than them.so i decided that i can’t take it anymore ,it’s to painful and stressful ,so i’ve cut her off a few months now.i tried so hard over the years to experience and feel a mothers love,but was unsuccessful ,so i decided to gave up and i’m very happy since i made that decision.i never had her love so i don’t miss it.and i’m happy to say that i’m giving my 2 kids lots of love and i know they’ll never have to go through what i went through.

i really relate to alot of these relationship difficulties also.
it had lead me to wonder, question, and basically wreck my own head dealing with these ‘heavy issues’-I’d ususally be left none the wiser after all this thought. its sucks all the joy and love out of life. well it made my life not worth living for soo soo long but i’m slowly learning.

My only conclusions that have helped me is first of all to realise there’s some sort of ‘power-struggle’ going on..knowing this helps to understand better. So having realised this..i then realise i dont have to engage in this particular struggle. give them the last word..there is no dignity in yourself for fighting back or trying to get revenge..or meet fire with fire..or retreating in a hostile state of embitterment.
This means to me absolutely walk away..why stand in the firing line..stay away until you’ve re-gained your peace…dont force yourself to feel a warmth when its not actually there…but maybe..still dont give up all hope entirely either..
The people ive had problems with..(hey i’ve gotten panic attacks too after the onslaught of emotional battering i was subjected to)..if i focus only on their flaws..thats all i can see..its like im almost blind to any good they ever contributed.or anything good at all about them.
When others sense your disapproval also..i think it brings out the worst in them somehow. Always giving in to unreasonable demands is un-realistic but me getting ok with stating what i can and cannot do within reason is the first place is the most important thing.
Taking complete responsibility for my emotions is #1..not going through anyone else to believe in myself…This one helped me most of all & was a message of God actually which is ‘PEOPLE ONLY HURT OTHERS OUT OF THEIR OWN INSECURITY ‘. Some people are fighter and they just wont quit.
Also i seriously pity these people..i would be horrified if i was capable of inflicting the same kind of pain that i’ve experienced on anyone else. ive concluded they’re just not on the same spiritual/ sensitivity level as i’m at. I dont mean in a superior kind of way..hey..i dont’ know what kind of traumas they’ve been exposed to that would cause them to act in this thoroughly unloving way. i just thank God i’m in a healthier place.
i know i’m not perfect. Maybe some people can’t feel my love or i dont’ express it well…and blame me for its abscence.

At the end of the day its my responsibility to myself and to God to love others to the very best of my ability. Getting some faith in God has made all the difference in the world to me..it means i dont’ feel so alone and unprotected..he really is there..i dont’ have to spend my energy in a constant state of self defence like i had to spend my whole life doing so far. Of course its early days and i’m a work in progress for sure. it feels like in alot of ways- I’m only just learing to live recently.
There’ll be no war..because i aint fighting. i want to be a peace maker..and i know with Gods help..things can be worked out..to something better at least. Some kind of better state..even if its barely noticeable . Really i’m trying hard to forgive and i feel like Jesus does help me & gives me more strength to do this. Safe-guarding the peace i get from God and having that peace within myself…is the biggest treasure i will ever seek & appreciate in my life….
Hope life gets better for ye all soon..xxxxxxxxxxxx. God bless (lol)Thats a new expression for me here im getting used to to saying.
P.s.
I’d love to hear anyone elses advice on what helps them to cope.

@KAYLA i totally identify with your situation! I too am in college and living with my parents. My dad tries to control eerything i do. I can t get away from him becuase i am unable to support myself and go to college right now. I miss my father though. i know hes only doing it becuase he love me and wants whats best but its driving me insane.I would love to know how your dealing with this or anyone elses adviice to this. How do you deal with an emotionally abusive person that you live with?
Feel free to email me tntstudent@aol.com if anyone has advice

My oldest sister and her husband are my hurtful relationship. It seems no matter what I do, they always know better and are better than me. They were so mad at me when I decided to get married my brother-in-law swore he would stand up and object during it, so I told him if that was how he felt he was not to come, my sister, who supposedly had “always cared about me and wanted to be there for me” didn’t show up. I couldn’t speak to her for months but missing her and my nephew so badly, I jumped at an opportunity to forgive and forget. She called me one day after I’d become pregnant to apologize, she wrote me a long heart-felt letter doing so. It still hurts sometimes because I just wanted it to be over and didn’t take the opportunity to get my real feelings off my chest. That was my fault, sometimes I just wish I could say the things I feel but I feel as if it’s just not worth bringing up the heartache for everyone.

Other than this particular instance, I have a hard time around my family in general. I am a bit thin-skinned, I’ll admit it, I was raised in a different environment than they were, and was taught not to say mean, hurtful things in jest. I don’t like being made to feel stupid but it hurts worse when the people who are supposed to care about you and love you, treat you like a stupid baby for trying to explain to them that they are hurting you.

No matter how innocent it may seem to you, if you are hurting someone’s feelings with your “jokes” it’s wrong and you should stop… right???

The last thing I’ll add is that distancing is hard when you have children, I want to know my niece and nephews a few months is a lifetime with small children, I want my children to know their aunts, uncles and cousins. I suppose that’s why we “grin and bear it.”

Sometimes understanding that you don’t choose your family and that they are just people who make mistakes (just like me) helps. You don’t have to get a long all the time just because you share a few genes.

I have a younger brother, that is being abused and has been (by bullies), since the age of thirteen, simply trying to return home from school. For too long, he felt that he had to go along, in order to be left alone.(thugs, call this “turning a person out”. He got in trouble and is now in a mental hospital, but ALSO, he has served his time and NOW, realizes, that he have the right to be left alone and he has the right for his belongings, to be left alone(for much stealing, happens, even BY the guards, at Chester Mental Health Center.
I have a niece, who has caused much trouble(after all of the life problems we have gone through and have moved forward on), and has made my daughter and other, believe that I, was at fault, for an incident that took place at my grandson birthday party. It isn’t the first time, she has attempted to discredit I, but I finally reached the point of not tolerating being blamed for others behavior any more and it seems to have caused more problems, but it’s just something that they have to realize, for themselves. I was not responsible for her munipulations and I will not allow her to blame I, anymore! I love them all, but I love my baby brother, who;s been raped and assaulted, for too long, as well. I will not turn my back on him, for HE is a victim as well!
PS: If you will, contact I at, (773)622-2906, if you can recommend a minister that is willing to accompany I, to meet, with the administrators at CMHC, to discuss the ABUSE against my brother.
Thank you for lending me your ears.
Thank you.

I also have been married to my husband for 25 years. My Mother-in-law didn’t hate me until I wouldn’t let her run my wedding and then the war was on. She tried to get my husband not to marry me by telling him that I was stealing from the family. When that didn’t work, she then told him that I was sleeping around. When THAT didn’t work, she finally told him that the day he got married would be the worst day of her life, and he told her, “Fine, don’t come to our wedding!”. I was so proud of him! We were 19 when we got married, and she DID show up, with an everyday dress on, but at least his Dad wore the Tux that we’d picked out for him. His Dad was on our side, by the way. Anyway, things got worse after we got married, she insisted that I was stealing things and then I just flat out refused to go to their house anymore. My husband took my side and she made the rest of the family cut us off completely, except she couldn’t make her own Mother and Father cut us off and so she cut THEM off! This was 2 years into our marriage when we were expecting our first son. She went around and told everyone that I wasn’t really expecting, that it was stuffing under my clothes and after our son was born, she went around and told everyone that we were RENTING THE BABY!! No kidding! That was when we realized she is mentally ill. We had sent her an annoucement of our sons birth and she wrote ‘REFUSED RETURN TO SENDER’ on it. I still have it and the other 3 from our other babies. Down the road a ways, 16 years later, my husband’s father was dying of Parkinsons Disease. My MIL had put him out of the house into the worst roach infested Board and Care Home she could find that was as far enough away as possible. She only went to see him once a month to get him to sign over his Retirement Check to her. We went to see him and take him with us several times a week. It was nice for the kids to get to know the Grandpa that they’d been kept from by their Grandma so long. We had our 4th child, our daughter, during this time and he got to be one of the first to hold her. He was so proud! My husbands sister had a daughter as well, but they didn’t come to see him as often as we did. After a couple of years, he deteriorated so much because we think it was from loving his wife so much even though she no longer appeared to love him and he felt there was no point in going on. He even tried to divorce her once and she got him to drop it by telling him he could come home and live on the weekends. Well, he got to spend one weekend at his home, and dropped the divorce, and then he didn’t get to come again after that. That is what put him into his final days, we suspect. Before he was gone, my MIL began trying to pull us back into the crazy fold. She wanted to know our 4 kids, she bought them Christmas gifts and us too, and she was trying to act normal. But just days before my FIL died, she stood in her living room with us, our kids, and my husbands siblings and said, “This may sound bad, but as soon as Daddy is dead, I’m buying a Corvette!” Um, what do you say to that? Total silence! No one knew what to say. Anyways, to make a long story shorter, after about 3 years of being ‘back in the family’ we had to break away for good. My MIL continually put down our kids to everyone else, while doting on her “only grandchild” my SIL only daughter. My kids got very little for Christmas, Birthdays, and Graduations, while the ‘chosen one’ got Ipods, money, lap tops, cameras, phones and all this other stuff given to her because she was the favorite. We don’t keep the kids from her, the older one’s know what is going on, they’ve seen it and made their own conclusions. We have never said anything to them even when they asked why their Grandma loved the “chosen one” more than she loved them. We always told them to ask their Grandma. She see’s them on birthday’s and Christmas, but doesn’t make an effort to do more with them. I even emailed her and told her we knew that she loved the “chosen one” more than our kids and I let her know what we knew that she had bought that one and not our kids. Her response? None to me! She is too chicken to respond to me! She took all her anger out on the ‘chosen one’ and told her that I was jealous of her and I was trying to destroy her life (the chosen one, not my MIL’s). In the end, she made up with the ‘chosen one’ and now has her living with her at her house, because the ‘chosen one’ fell in love and decided she wanted to have a baby and so now her and her husband are living with my crazy MIL. It’s good, because someone needs to keep an eye on her. She is a very mentally ill person. We don’t plan on ever seeing her again, so we are good with that. Our other kids will eventually see the whole picture on their own and decide to disassociate with her as well. It’s been a total blessing breaking off with that crazy woman! Sometimes, you just have to walk away from someone, even family, if it is tearing you down. My husband wishes we’d never allowed her to suck us in again, but a lesson was learned. Our kids know that family can’t be bought, even though some may try. You either love someone fully, or you don’t love at all. My MIL continues to buy her love with the others, but we are fine on our own. Get out while you can if it’s causing problems. It doesn’t matter who the family member is! If it’s tearing you down, walk away from it. ESCAPE!!

What if it’s your cub that is treating you that way? I have a grown daughter who has broken my heart more times than I can count. She could just care less now that she doesn’t need me anymore. She’s my only daughter. I’m going to seek counseling because I can no longer think about it without crying. It is not something I can change, you can’t change other people.

Great advise. I’ve finally found peace by making distance between a daughter and myself. I could never have done enough for her and while at times things were fine…she would always get mad and go for months without talking to me. After 20 years of repeatedly being eliminated for months at a time I decided it’s best to just stay where I am. Because I was always the one who extended the olive branch it’s easy to maintain the distance because in 20 years she never once approached me. It’s been a year now and though I’ve seen her she has not spoken to or acknowledged me. I no longer have to worry about how long it will be before she gets mad again and I have less anxiety. Sad but true.

I am in a relationship where this occurs regularly, and to compare my situation with a bear and her cubs is not the same. We are not animals we have emotions that animal do not have, I laughed at the analogy when I read it.

Good article and I really appreciate everyones post. It’s nice to see that there are others out there. My mom and I were best friends, did everything together, and talked all the time until a few years ago when I got sick. I was dx with BiPolar and forced to quit work and had to be put on disability. Since then, my sister won’t talk to me and my mother is cold and cancelled x-mas for the past two years and will continue to do so. Even though the dr put me on disability, she says I am not because I have “use of my arms and legs” I have married and have stepkids now and she does not want anything to do with it. And she has been after me my entire life about grandkids. Now she has them and won’t do anything. She had to “check her schedule” before coming to my wedding. It was never like this before, it’s all due to me getting sick. I am not good enough or worth it any more. I guess I am damaged goods now and don’t deserve her love. How can a family who has always said it was so important for us to be there for each other, which I have done for all of them, just throw me away because I am BiPolar?

Thanks a mil for this!!! You are so right and this is something I have to keep in mind to protect myself and my busband. My eyes filled up with water when I read this. Thanks again!

I am a 70 year old mom. I lived in a city about 100 miles from the little rural town I grew up with where my family now live. After getting a divorce, my daughter wanted me to move here. Because I never got to see my family very much at all, I bought a small house and moved here. I think she thought I had more money than I have, but I’ve never asked her for anything and she’s never offered to give me anything which I understand because they don’t have a lot of money to give away and neither do I, but I give her money, buy her clothes, and do whatever I possibly can. She comes by four days a week for about thirty minutes on her lunch hour. She is very cold. I stay home most of the time because I have had depression since I have been twenty-five. She has all the family up all the time for dinner. I’m not ever invited except Christmas and Thanksgiving and I usually totally pay for one of the meals. Now, all the people I knew when I used to live here (graduated from high school here) have either moved or just have their own lives and don’t need another friend. I was very popular in school, but I’m certainly not popular now. Only one person who I went to school with have ever been in my home. I have two small dogs that are my life. If it weren’t for them I don’t know what I would do. When I first moved here, my granddaughter used to come over a couple of times a week and was really sweet to me but as time has gone on, she has gotten very cold toward me just like her mother. The last year she’s only been to my home four times; one time to get her son’s graduation gift. My sister comes over about twice a month and we talk on the phone some. She is very sweet and caring toward me. When I have to go to the doctor, it’s a forty miles trip. I had kidney stones a couple of weeks ago and she was the one who took me to the hospital and waited with me all day. I had to go back two days later and she took me again. My daughter never offers to help me do anything. I have to pay for everything when I have to have something repaired with the house. I have two grandsons in their early twenties and they don’t ever offer to help me and if they do, I have to pay them. That’s OK, I kind of understand that in a way, but I believe their mom tells them not to help me or come over. I don’t know what to do, I’ve never been so miserable in the seven years that I’ve lived here but I’m just too old to move again and it would be hard to sell my home in addition to the expense and my bad health. I have been having serious problems with my bladder and may have to wear a catheter all the time. I don’t know what in the world I’ll do because I will have no help. I’d just as soon not live on this earth anymore, things are so bad. Anyone who can help me understand why they treat me this uncaring way, please e-mail me at rainbo@twlakes.net. I’d love to hear from you.

How do you handle an elderly mother that is always bring about confusion & disorder in the home. I love her & respect & honor her. Yet she is always tring to come between the relationship that I have with my daughter. I truly love my daughter & wants the best for her. My mother have told me on numerous occasion that she don’t love me. She don’t love any body because she don’t know what love is. I told her is simple terms what love is. Yet she is determine to do the opposite to me. I know she really don’t love me & I’m not trying to make her love me. I just want peace & harmony in my home. She is 88 yrs old & don’t really have any where to go. I guess that is why I have put up with her this long. I cook she want eat my cooking, she has an income, yet want help with any bills, She’s very hateful & mean to me. I don’t know if I remind her of my father which loved her dearly or what. What can I do besides pray.

It is amazing how much damage family pain and hurt can cause. . .to an entire family or just one person! My husband’s family has been the root cause of turmoil for our family for the past seven years. . .however his sister was the main cause and created most of the dissention between family members. We completely severed ties with his family four years ago, and we are now happier because we do not have the stress of the holidays with his family!! It has been difficult for my husband, but he realizes his Mother choose his sister over him, and he could not continue to be around his family because they had become so toxic!! Thanks for letting people know it is okay to let toxic and hurtful relationships go. . .so the healing process can start!!!

I have a sibling that likes to push buttons. After the passing of my last parent, the jabs continued. My other siblings just sat there and didn’t say a word as my one sibling directed his jabs at me. I finally remarked back and have since removed myself from gatherings. I am much happier now and I’m sure they are all wondering why I don’t attend get togethers. I was always known as the one you can count on to be there. The one who always participated in all events. The one who would send card/gifts even if I couldn’t attend an event. After the last time together, I asked myself, I have tried so hard to think of everyone elses feeling, and I get this in return? So now I surround myself with people who make me happy! People with compassion and respect.

when you start to plan a funeral and get all legal papers in order, it is time to cut the cord.

Wow, this was great. I have done a lot for my siblings and their children (graduation, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers, etc. and have always given them nice gifts (usually checks). My oldest daughter graduated from high school this year and only one of my siblings acknowledged it. This was very hurtful to me but I have decided that I will no longer be taken advantage of. I didn’t expect them to give her a gift, but a card would have been nice to acknowledge her achievement. My niece is expecting a baby in the spring and I’m sure a baby shower invitation will be sent the first of the year. I do not plan on attending or sending a gift. I feel bad doing this, but I feel that some of my family have made it clear that they don’t want bothered with me or my family, so it’s time to cut the cord.

I often have a niece travel with me and my family and friends and she is always causing trouble by talking behind everyone’s back and pitting each person against another. She is very negative about everyone of my friends and my daughters. I have come to the point of not ever inviting her to join us anymore but I am not sure if I should explain to her why and what it is about her ways that I don’t like - would it even be worth it. She probably will always be a back stabber and I have to make up my mind not to have her around me and my family and friends anymore. It is her loss, not mine.

This is realiving to hear. I wish it was all that easy to drop someone whos obviously unhealthy for a person mental well being. Unfortunaltly mental illness can cause someones disposion to rott. And cutting them off makes this worse.

I as well as all of my siblings have this problem with my dad constantly belittling and critcizing us for what we think is right for our lives. We can not make not one mistake with out him yelling at us like hes our drill sargent. My brothers and sister cut him off along time ago. I tried todo the same thing but got a call my dad got his jaw broken and almost died.He was living on the street getting into drugs really bad. He was in the hospital for a whole month. I was the only one who went to go see him everyday. He was coming out of his drug induced coma. He was so scared when he was waking up he started crying hysterically. He said he seen demons around him. I had to sing him to sleep like he was a baby. It was so sad. Everytime we need my dad hes always there for us no matter what. So I think it is important not to cut off family cause were all we truley have. Im not saying to live with them all im saying is it isnt wise to cut em off.

i too know the feeligs of being hurt deeply by a family member. to read this and hear others have had the same thing happen helps. sometimes we don’t express feelings in words, may be hard to. but is good to know people do care and understand.

It’s sounds like good advice. I only wish the hurtful person in my life, doling out constant critisism, was someone I could cut off and stay away from. What, if any, advice do you have if this person is your husband?

How do you step away from an abusive mother who now has dementia. I know the love is there deep down, but the dementia has brought out the worst in her; and I can no longer tolerate the anger and abuse and blame she directs towards me. The dementia comes and goes at this stage…but for 3 years now I can’t stand the thought of even talking with my mother and there is no one else to deal with her. I am her only caretaker and no longer care…where do I go from here? The hurt has made me numb!!!

I have had to walk away from my in-laws as I never felt we were treated the same way as the rest. I got tired of the favoritism. I don’t believe they did it on purpose but just didn’t get it. I begged my husband to confront them time and time again to no avail. I knew the day I stopped communicating, it would all end. It saddens me as I feel I have a strong sense of family. Just not worth it. Just had to fight for my children to see their grandmother before she dies. I doubt my oldest will make it back from college in time. So sad….

Reading many of the comments only made me cry harder because they made me relive the pain. I live in my own prison, life sentence, no chance of parole and without the courage to break free.

A dominate, overbearing and critical mom (near 90), a daughter who thinks that the universe evolves around her and will not think twice to offend or tell you off when she feels she’s right; thanks to her grandmom and parents that did not have the nerve to stop it.

A husband who no longer cares how I feel and a son in Jr. High School who I dearly love but feel will also abandon me in the future. I am an only child and will continue to be a lonely adult.

What a dysfuncional family. How I wished I could have told see the future. I would have become a nun. How much I love and hate them all at the same time.

You can’t just walk away when you are so alone. I salute those that had the courage and support to walk away. Maybe someday. Or even better, may God may take pity on me. At least I can only hope.

I am a mom of a now 21 yr old, and a couple years back when my daughter, after years of attempting to show good behavior, we finally had it and gave her an ultimatum. It was let us help or there is the door. She chose the door. However the sad part is that everywhere she has gone, she makes us out to be the bad guys, she was never loved, my mom cannot relate with me emotionally, they kicked me out, my step dad is emotionless, etc. The bottom line was she broke trust so many times and the lies and manipulation were so bad, that yes, we grew distant and I ended up not liking my own child. The interesting thing though is no matter where she goes, eventually they see through the “poor me” charade and end up on the phone with me. Having a younger child at home - 13 yrs younger, we decided we needed a stress free, and argument free home. No one could get to me like her, and after swearing I would never cross a line, I reached that line, crossed it and have never regretted it. I think the hardest thing about it all was knowing that everyone looked at us like the bad people.

It was so helpful to read this and to gain reinforcement of backing off from my sister who is a bully and hates me with no remorse. She has everybody believing that she has mental issues since losing her husband but she is just hateful and doesn’t want to change. Jealousy is a terrible thing among siblings and I have tried everything to bring her around and offer help and support after husband’s death. I can relate to the “Poor Me” sydrome and I have back totally away. I am so much happier and have had to cut her out of my life. It’s a no win situation. It took a lot of courage to take the blinders off to her evil ways but now I see her for what she truly is and that is just a bad seed that I shouldn’t be around.

My son who now lives in another state got married after his wife became pregant and had a baby. She is very manipulative and is always trying to get money out of me. She doesn’t try to get money out of her own parents. She claims they have money until my son and her need help then she sings a different song and acts like they don’t have money. She never asks her folks for anything. But she trys to act like her family is so close knit and she puts down my sons family, but not her own self righteous family. My son does not come home to see me or visit and has never bought the child to visit (the child is almost four years old now), but they always want me to send gifts to a child I have only saw three times. She always cathers to her family and bonds with them, but she never asks them for money, but everytime I talk to her and my son they are always trying to get something out of me. they never pay back my money and she doesn’t work but my son works two jobs. I am really losing respect for my son and I am beginning to despise my daughter in law. She has absolutely no respect for me and although I am not rich she thinks she is going to get everything I got via my son. I am just tired of it all. After they got married my sons now claims he had a bad childhood and he is brining up things that just aren’t true. I am slowly pulling myself away from them. They always have their hands out, but they never extend a hand and they are in their 30’s. I don’t think she wants to come to see me and my son’s family because she knows we will see the real her and perhaps my son will too when that birds eye view is gone. She is a lier. She will take credit for my ideas. It’s just awful. At first I tried to be nice because it was just unbelieveable how my son treats me and her as well. But now I really don’t care. I just want my money paid back and then I will just slide away from them. I am going to start enjoying the family I have in my town, because my son and his family is just so off the wall.

I tried to read all of the comments and letters. My hearts goes out to everyone. There is so much going in peoples live today. When you think that you have a problem. Believe me someone else has one much worse than you could ever image. Just remember to believe and trust God. Just when you thought You could not stand it any longer. He steps in and ease your burden. I pray no one is offended by me talking about God. It’s all I know. He had forsaken me. He has al

To all: I pray each one of you can heal and that you all know that God loves you and forgives you your trespasses, if you’re sorry. Walk away when you need to and I know that hurts, but sometimes its a ‘no win’ thing. When you are ready and strong emotionally go back and tell them how you feel. Let them decide if they want to be nice or not, and if they will not change you’ll give them a chance, if not, Sayonara ‘good bye’. Best wishes, God doesn’t want you to take a bunch of ‘crap’. Tell them you’ll respect them, when they respect you. Hope this works for you, at least you’re giving them the chance to change if they will. Smart people love each other and care about each other. That’s the only way to live.

Crying while reading this. The one who responded with an eerily similar daughter situation touched me as well as all of the others. We are not alone in feeling this way. I have hesitated to get help by thinking that it will ‘dredge up’ all of the feelings I try to tamp down. But it’s probably better to go there in that situation or have it do what it’s doing now - come to the surface in depression, anxiety, etc. I’m thinking a support group would be a good first step. I hope others here will take that step as well. hugs to you all.

Linda R.’s comment could have been written by me. It was so validating. Thank you Linda. I have been suffering so much guilt and depression from my need to totally detach from my much loved emotionally, verbally abusive son.

I got a question:

My question is What do u do if you are taking care of a aunt\uncle\mother\etc…and the other family members such as brothers won’t help do things to help you care for those you are taking care of but wants to tell the one your caring for how to live their life?

Thats whats happening in my world. I found me and my aunt a nice 3 bedroom 2 bath trailer and her son is telling my aunt not to move, but won’t help me to care for her or her home.

Please help im despirate I love my aunt I been with her and her son for 19 years but really sad that I can’t give her more because of him.

I feel like hitting him but I know it won’t solve anything and make matters worse. Oh by the way my aunts very sick any prayers would help.
Thank you Dixjr