When a family isn’t emotional healthy, everyone begins taking on fairly predictable roles. Usually, this kind of family upset is caused by a drug or alcohol addiction. But it can also be caused by any other disruptive thing that seems to overtake the family’s mental wellness. The key thing is that no one wants to face reality and make necessary changes. This could be someone with a mental illness, severe grief, or chronic illness. All roles are meant to distract from the real problem
Since addiction is the most common reason for these roles to appear, I’ll describe them briefly in the context of drug and alcohol addiction.
Addict - This person uses excuses, minimizes the problem, and refuses to change their behavior. They sneak and lie about their drug use and mishandling of their money because of it. They deny that they have a
problem and make it sound or appear that others have the problem. They allow their emotions to dictate their life by trying to cover them instead of being honest about them. They haven’t been approached about drug rehab, or they have refused to go, or they have been before and have relapsed and are in denial.
Enabler - This is usually the spouse or significant other, sometimes a parent or friend if there is no romantic partner. They stand by the addict helping to pick up the pieces, making more excuses, not exposing the problems in a way that can make them stop. They sometimes try to help but in ways that end up allowing the addiction to continue. Or, they are is as much denial as the addict on how bad it is and they block out all the evidence in their mind that this is happening (or was at risk for happening).
Hero - This is typically the oldest child. They distract from the addiction by being the “good face” on the family by being an overachiever and being a rule follower. They are the do-gooder, but often resent this in the end. They do all sorts of extra work but eventually still don’t get the love and connection they desire.
Scapegoat - This is the opposite of the Hero. The family distracts by blaming the scapegoat for anything and everything. This plays on the normal tendancy of first and second borns to develop some distinct differences from each other as they grow and mature. The Scapegoat becomes the black sheep of the family and takes the hit of responsibility that really belongs to the addict.
Mascot - The Mascot is often one of the younger two kids. They distract from the addiction by being goofy and bringing some light into the family. They try to alleviate the pain in the family, but often go overboard. They usually get in trouble for this but the family needs this role to keep from getting too serious.
Lost Child - The Lost child is what the title says - they are lost. They distract by not being a distraction. They just go with the flow, don’t stand out, don’t make any trouble. With the antics and achievement of the other kids, the low-maintenance kid is what the addiction family needs. Unfortunately, the Lost child often stays lost long into adulthood and has a lot of trouble getting direction in their life, interacting socially, or standing up for themselves.
When addiction is addressed and managed, these roles can eventually dissipate. But if a parent gets sober when a child is nearly ready to leave the nest, the positive effect may be limited. A child of this age has spent their formative years in one of these roles and may need plenty of help making their own changes. It’s never too late to get sober, but you need to know that not everything can really be fixed. As time progresses, the overall impact of parental sobriety goes lower.
I did a feature on the Hero child in August and plan to highlight the rest of the roles in the coming months. I had some great feedback on the Hero child and look forward to more coming from these themed
posts. Thanks so much for adding your thoughts, everyone.
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On the article about suddenly bursting in tears.I’m 59 and i do generally have public control of my emotions, but not at nights when I get back to work to find myself alone at home (daughters married or working elsewhere, divorced in 1984).
First I got peaceful then had problems with a teacher at PhD program who sent me off and had to take that class in a nearby city -yes I continued and am about to finish the degree– but once on the bus back I felt a deep pain in my heart and started to think about past events trying to get rid of bad feelings but I think it’s taken too long.
I think I cannot stay alone and will need a companion the rest of my life which is also a posibility.
Can you help me know if this is the right way to deal with deep buried feelings at a stage of my life where i can still do a lot at work? Im a university teacher in Mexicali, B.C. Mexico.
Why is this article presented as if it was “new” ?
This model has been in use by addiction therapists for more than two decades !
Where are the credits for the original work ?
Earliest reference . . .
Sharon Wegscheider, Another Chance, Hope and Health for the Alcoholic Family, Palo Alto, CA 1981, Science & Behavior Books
I’m a “lost child”. And at 54, both parents deceased, siblings “scattered”, I’m on my own with my psychologist to try to put me together. Neither of my parents were alcoholics, but my Mother came from an alcoholic (mean and ugly) Father. Her Mother committed suicide (no one will admit that…she didn’t SEE the train coming)when she was 3 years old. She spent time in an orphanage while her Father returned to the “old country” for a proper wife (years). She was so broken herself, that I was very much emotionally abandoned. I’m #3 out of 4 kids. We are all messed up and I can put one of my siblings in a category listed above. I would love to know where I can find the special on the Lost Child, for at 54, I am truly still lost.
Nancy,
Sounds like you are really working in the midst of your struggle. As your story shows, dysfunctional family roles can still be somewhat passed down even if an addiction isn’t. As long as the people involved continue to live in the same way, the problems will continue to be passed along to another generation.
Fortunately, each person in the process (like yourself) also has the opportunity to do whatever they can to make positive change. Even if life doesn’t seem ideal, you seem to recognize that things aren’t right and you have reached out for help.
I encourage you keeping moving forward through your process, however difficult. I’m not sure what special you are talking about, but I hope you can find it if it might help. You are courageous.
Beatriz,
Since you difficulties have gone on for so long, you might benefit from some counseling. I’m not saying that having companionship is wrong, but you might be covering up the symptom and not really addressing the problem well.
As scary as it might be to work on coping with those feelings, you may also find strength you didn’t know you had by facing your fears. I’m just saying that sometimes a professional can see patterns and notice things that you might not be able to at first. Those observations and recommendations could help you break out of some old painful patterns that have kept you stuck. Remain social and connected, but consider working with a counselor, too.
Nancy,
Check out: http://www.selfinexile.com
theres a contact address there too, if you feel the site calls to you.
river.
River,
Thanks for adding this unique resource. I just skimmed over it for a few minutes, and it seems to have really reached some people.
Just because this model has been used before doesn’t make it any less valid.
I am 57 and I am the second of four children with two alcoholic parents. I am the “scapegoat” as I had childhood bipolar disorder, although we didn’t know at the time that that was the explanation for my behavior. I am “officially” diagnosed now and doing much better, although the ACofA syndrome and bipolar illness both reaked havoc with my life. I am easily the black sheep of the family and make all the other children look good. Because there are four of us, the roles are easy to assign and each one of us are very recognizable. Both parents are dead and three of the four of us have been through therapy. The “lost child” didn’t go to therapy, he kind of did his own thing, preferring to stay lost. Our parents are both dead now but the denial lived on until they died. Learning about the affects of alcoholism on the family helped me understand with my dysfunction in relationships although it didn’t help keep me from making mistakes altogether.
These roles fit perfectly! However I think some overlap slightly so it is not quite so simple. it is a old theory but still works.
Unfortunately, this information didn’t get dispensed in our family till the damage was fully enmeshed because of it no one has become whole. One has died and all still living are in counselling. Both paretns drank and enabled each other,
Needles to say it was a ** mess. Observation of these problems is very nice however help would be much better.
what if the eldest child is the one with the problem?
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