They say it’s always the guy who throws the second punch in a fight who gets caught, not the first. Hopefully, your children aren’t actually throwing punches at each other when they argue. The point is that in many cases, both parties have some responsibility when an argument ends badly. Do you ask enough questions to find out what really happened?
Let’s say one of your children hit the other, and the child who got hit told on their sibling. Well obviously, you’ll have something to say to the child who was doing the hitting. But the real situation may be more than an innocent victim being attacked by an aggressor. You need to take one more step. Ask both kids what was happening the moments leading up to the hitting incident. Be prepared for some dodging and weaving - this kind of deep specific questioning can make a kid squirm when they know they really had some part of the problem.
First, calmly ask the child who got hit the entire story of how the fight developed. What was said, what were the emotions, what were people doing - you need to get a picture in your mind about how the aggression built up. Keep in mind that once it reaches verbal aggression, it’s very likely to go to physical from there. Tell the child that got hit that it is really important that you get the complete truth from everyone, and that you are going to get the story from your other child too.
Then talk to the other child that was accused of the hitting. They already know they are in trouble and may not feel like they have much to lose by being pretty honest. You may find that the stories match well - be sure you review it with them as they’ve said it and clarify what did or didn’t happen so you are straight. If you find something new, then you’ll have something to go back with to the other child. You might learn that the child who got hit was provoking their sibling or did something physically aggressive that they didn’t
admit to. It wouldn’t excuse the hitting child from their actions, but it does make the other child more responsible for setting up an aggressive exchange.
Let me make something clear. If you know that the hitting child has a pretty consistent problem with aggression across the board, then you do need to take steps to protect the child who has gotten hit. They need to know how to avoid provoking the aggressive child. Also, you may need to really step up the supervision when the aggressive child is around siblings. But in many cases, kids in a sibling conflict can both claim some responsibility.
I have found on more than one occasion (with my kids) that the person claiming to be a victim did something to make an aggressive response more likely. Not always, and I have found that stories of victim/aggressor to match up well between siblings. But most of the time, everyone has had something to think about when it’s all said and done. Often, the supposed victim has complained more about their consequences than the sibling who they originally accused. So don’t be afraid to put on your detective hat, use a calm low voice, and get to the bottom of it.
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great advice!!
Had my parents done detective work they while I was growing up they would have found out my sister was the acutal agressor and not me–most of the time I was trying to protect myself and was always the one who got into trouble because they took her side (usually they saw or heard me act aggressively towards her, but never observed what she initially said or did to me). Of course this brought on a host of issues I have in regards to “protecting” myself today or lack thereof out of fear I will be told I am in the wrong and will be “penalized” or “punished” in some way or another…
long story short, good article
J -
Thank you! I have been taken by surprise sometimes when I didn’t “do my homework” on situations like this. I don’t always catch what happens, but I’ve learned to know better that professed innocence is not always innocent! Thou dost protest too loudly…
Thanks for commenting and sharing your thoughts 
Hello,
Wow is that true. Getting the whole story is so important. I remember a time where me and this student at school had some problems. He would hit me often when the teachers were not looking. Most special educations schools have a policy of “if I didn’t see it, it didn’t happen”, as did this school. This particular day I was grading some papers for the teacher. This kid comes out of the gym and tries to start trouble. I just ignored him. He went into the schools solitary room across the hall from me. Otherwise known as “time out room”. He closed the door and started yelling “Stanley, why did you lock me in here, let me out”. The door is held shut by a staff member holding the handle shut. I wasn’t near the door at all. This staff member on the patio above came down to see what the yelling was. I was still grading the papers when the staff member came down. He pushed open the door of the solitary room and the kid came out with a bloody nose, which he mostly likely got from throwing himself against the walls of the room. I was told I was in big trouble. I was sent home 30 minutes later for hitting the kid and my mom called the childrens psychiatric hospital as she normally does when I get in trouble for something and as always lied and said I was suicidal and tried to kill myself. This fight I had nothing to do with got me a week in the hospital. It’s so important to get both sides. Especially before assuming something. I will always remember that day as in the hospital a staff member “restraining” me because I tried to go to my room instead of the solitary room after a heated call to my mom to find out what she told the hospital this time. The staff member put his knee into my spine and applied his full weight. I have a spinal injury that leaves me in alot of pain and left me incontinent. Heavy price to pay for trying to ignore a bully!
-Stanley
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