And it doesn’t matter how old you are when a parent leaves, it still hurts and leaves a hole in your heart.

I was 19 when my parents divorced and my father married his secretary. My younger sisters acted out – drugs, alcohol, getting pregnant – but I acted as a mature adult would (life happens and people fall in and out of love, etc.) – or so I thought at the time.

Fast forward 35 years and here I am – living with major depression and in therapy. Growing up my father was more absent than present but after he remarried he became even more distant from his first family. It’s only recently that I’ve been able to acknowledge that fact and to realize that I’ve been stuffing down my anger and hurt which undoubtedly has been a major factor in my depression.

Why am I sharing this? Maybe because if even one parent reads my story they’ll take more care in how they treat their children should they go through a similar situation.

My x-husband abandoned our 2 children ages 14 and 11 for 4 1/2 years( March 2005 ) and started finally paying child support 18 months ago and just recently came back into their lives in August 2009 and now because he has more money and a bigger house than me he thinks and is trying to get full custody of my children… They don’t even know their father… I am in fear now that he will end up getting them after I have had to deal with their abandonment issues for years and I love them so much and they are my entire life… I don’t know what to do….

My husband has asked his attorney to file a petition asking for his parental rights to be terminated after a long and emotional roller coaster through the courts. His ex girlfriend has never allowed him to be in his daughters life and has alienated the child from him. I believe she has a lot of anger and resentment built up because he moved on with his life a long time ago. I hope it’s granted so that we can move on with our lifes but we pray that one day she will come looking for him and realize she missed a great father and will a part of his life. I hope she realizes that her father wanted to be part of his life but her mother made it impossible.

My parents abandoned their kids because they liked to have fun. They never took care of our emotional needs, including concern for our wellbeing, future or problems.

Being from that dysfunctional home, I married a woman who had different problems, but as severe as mine (as young people, we didn’t realize it at the time). We had two children and after we split, she began to negatively influence the kids against me.

Now, neither my ex-wife or my two kids will communicate with me and my daughter has closed the door to any contact with her daughter (my granddaughter).

I’ve loved my kids all their life and made sure I treated them in ways that they would know their Dad always cared.

What does a person do who has been abandoned by parents, abandoned by kids, and denied access to a child who now thinks I abandoned her?

Is life really worth living?

Connolly

I am sitting in a bizarre boat. I am the adoptive mother of my husbands first born daughter. The mother abandoned her at two and she is now 8. She refused to pay child support. Moved far away and has not seen her in as long. She has done terrible things while away. Now she is wanting back in the picture. I adopted Molly almost two years ago now after fighting and fighting for my rights. I have raised her since she was one and her birth mother was still in the picture. I want to do what is best for her. I don’t want to take away her opportunity to have her mother in her life. But also don’t want to expose her to more hurt and pain. Even though she was only two when her mother left she shows all classic signs of a abandoned child. She is now getting older. She can understand more. For awhile she thought that she was the reason her mother left and is now just realizing that her mother made the choice to leave because she was not making good decisions and wanted a better life. Molly has that life now. But she is still a very unhappy child do to her mother leaving her. She is in grade three and as yet to make any friends…I believe because she doesn’t trust anyone enough to let them near her…they might hurt her and leave her too. She acts out. She can either be the most helpful and bright child you every met or act as if she was two throwing tantrums, screaming fits, and doing things to get into trouble. I am scared to open the door to letting this woman back in. But I do wonder if it may help Molly. To know that her mother still loves her and cares about her and never left because of Molly. I do not know which way to turn. I am scared of the consequences either way. Any thoughts? Any experiences? 6 years of trying to make someone happy and never being able to do it is heartbreaking. I feel like I will never be enough and will pay for her mother leaving her for the rest of my life. All I want is for Molly to be happy. To let the mother back in or keep her away…that is the question.

A message for Kelly. My Dad and Mom gave me away when I was five to my Grandmother. They stepped out of my life for many years. My Grandmother was a steady, trustworthy, almost habitual person. She was always there, loving me, giving me security through a constant low key routine, “doing for me, and considering me.” She showed me love, taught me love and also how to trust again and feel like I was worth something. When my real Mom wanted to come back into my life when I was 14, it was my Grandmother who let me decide and backed up my decision to take it slow, which I did. It didn’t work. My Mom was gone as soon as she found a new man. But there was my sweet tempered Grandmother, telling me it was OK. Maybe now I understood it wasn’t me or my fault.
I am 59 years old. All this didn’t happen yesterday, but many years ago. I married, have 2 wonderful sons, four grandchildren and have had a terrific life. Be that foundation for Molly. Don’t put her Mom down. Let Molly discover what her Mom is like by herself and be there for her when she does. She will realize that you are the one she can trust. Love her with your heart, with your mouth, with your hands. Do whatever it takes to give her purpose, worth and a happy future. Yes she will always have that “hole in her heart.” I still do after 55 years, but someday God will take in away when I stand before Him. Thank you for reading.

I forgot to add. After some years have passed. My mothers sister apologized to me for the way she treated me. She said ” I’m sorry I did not believe you and that I did not listen to you. A couple other cousins told me the same thing. But, they have treated me so bad for so long, whenever I come around they still treat me like crap. Because, they don’t know any other way to treat me. Wow, I can’t win for losing……

Hi there,
I’m 18 and in college now, and am sufferig of the same things, my father took off, or actually my mom took us and left him, and he then left as weel, 8 years ago , wen i was jst 10, it was so hard, cuz i was the youngest child, and the most pampered to him, wen he took off, and never turned bck to take us back…..and my mom was emotionally crushed, and i grew up thhrough my teen years in a very depresseing , low secure house, she was always crying, always feeling like crap, cuz she felt the same way i guess, i was always caugt up with their problems since the age of 2 , i always was in the middle of their fights…..
and now am a grown ladie, with major self concious problems, very low self esteem, ver low self love, i never got from my parents nor family, but i got the opposite, rejection and hatred, and now i dont know hhow to deal with ppl , i can never keep a relationship, never be in one, but i always need constant love and attention from guyz……but i feel this huge HOLE IN MY HEART !!
that i need to get filled
and evrytime i think i found the right guyt o fill it for me , im never ready to get seriouse with thhem, so they jst abandon me like my father did, and the pain an dhurt goes all the way again !
I feel hated rejecte and not worth of loving, an di dont know wat to do !!!

Are there any good books of encouragement to help teenagers deal with this issue.

My heart bleeds for all of you. “Still Trying” please DO keep on! I know what it feels like. No matter how much one may “know” one is worthy and that the so-called adults were at fault, I don’t believe it – still feel like a lousy, unworthy person. Excuse me for telling one chapter of my story.

I joke “I’m the “white sheep of the family: knowing from my training (as a clinical psychologist, minus the PHUD) that it often does happen that the healthiest in a dysfunctional family can and is sacrified by the others as the BAD ONE. Sometimes even tortured not only emotionally but physically,

But for all I “know” what I feel is quite different.

Not unexpectably, I ended up in an abusive relationship with a psychopath. I can’t explain or talk about it in depth now, but the birth of my first child (unplanned) led me to – first – enormous joy (and a feeling of worthiness) – then, later to on-going torture after our child was turned into what I call a “suicude bomber” aimed at me (thus destroying himself too).

The father tricked me into a life choice (moving to a country and situation where I lost my previous successful profession, independence, and terrific support), to a world where my little boy and I became wholly dependent on his father, and this formerly happy child, fell apart mentally and physically.

This was after his father rejected him after the move and EX also destroyed him by among other things, threatening my life for over a year for hours daily – in his earshot.

I tried to mask the sound of his hate-filled voice by purchasing an expensive sound conditioner with adjustments of bass and treble to adjust it to his voice tenor, so our little couldn’t hear this nightmare day after day.

But he did. I renewed contact with my parents out of necessity in order to use their home as a crash house, to visit a top New York Hospital to evaluate my beloved son, their only grandchild . He was not only deeply disturbed by this point, but also on the point of death from life-threatening asthma and allergies (“Dad” kept smoking around him, even as he turned blue and suffocated!).

The parents who were very much like the ex – (in fact in a sense I “married my mother”) treated me and by extension my sick toddler son, with almost unbelievable cruelty. They picked a fight with me on their first visit to Central PA, the first time he was well enough from life-threatening asthma and allergies to risk it. Finally he could breathe and slept restfully for the first time in months.

They screamed at me with filthy profanities right beneath the crib where he slept for that precious rest, I had to beg my father to go into the basement so as not to disturb (the understood bribe was that he could curse me more heartily)/

My mother was having a hissy fit and went to pack her leather suitcases while my father told me what a fool I’d been (did I realize that “you F*g bitch?”) – I’d thrown away his grandparents, that’s what I’d done.

It didn’t make any more sense then to me than it does to you, I’m sure. He’s been so looking forward to these grandparents – I think he imagined they could knock his parents heads together and restore harmony (as if it had ever really existed). Instead they left without ever laying eyes on him – and to think they might never have seen him alive, the way things were looking!

An arbitrary stopping point (but our story continues almost 26 years later, if anything sadder and more dangerous. My little boy is not in touch with reality. I think he can’t stand it, That’s despite my having given up all my personal dreams and opportunities to try to save him. His father is truly evil – a concept I now believe in, trying to believe equally in an equal force of Good.

Children experience such pain – never their fault, but they always think it is. Please pray for me and my son as I do for you all.

Amanda

Incredible testimonies! For as much hurt as there is in the world, ther is also true healthy love. I was born out of wedlock in the 60′s. My mother was always physically there for me and provided me a nice place to live and materials. One problem, when I asked about my father, she lied to me and said he was her first husband. After years of looking out the window at night, wondering why I was not good enough for him to visit me, I grew up with a huge empty spot in my soul. While I was a little kid, I dreamed of a fantasy man coming to take me to get a haircut on Saturday mornings. (That is what my best friends Dad did with him) I contacted the man that I thought was my father when I was 18, then again at 21. He told me that he was not my father and gave me the name of who it was. When I confronted my mother about this, she said he was lying. WRONG! My Mom was lying. I dove into to drugs, alcohol and sex. I put alot of emphasis and pressure on myself at being good at sex. This gave me confidence. I had many relationships, but always seemed to end up with insecure women. I now have two children in their late teens, whom I have loved the best that I can and never left them. I even got custody of them after my divorce. Immediately after my first divorce, I met another woman. I could go on and on, but the pattern repeated itself. I now find myself in my late 40′s, really beginning to do the work of resolving thos issues from a long time ago. Don’t fool yourself, to truly do the work is painful, and by no means am I there. We that are damaged tend to seek out the damaged and find peace with the chaos. How ironic is that! Love your kids and don’t give them up. Also, never, ever give up on yourself, happiness comes from within.

I was seven when my dad hit my mom hard for the third time a week. She had no option but to leave with my brother just 4 years old. We came to our grandparents in late 97. My father filed a case for custody but lost it in 2001 when the court decided that my mother could support us in a way much more better than my father. I grew up silently like a shadow with no existence or persistence. I was sixteen when my dad divorced my mother and all my dreams of having a happy family together vanished. I did not meet my dad till I was 17. I did not know what the word ‘dad’ meant. There was indeed one large hole inside my chest that seemed ever ready to bleed. I was by nature a very brash kid, quite intelligent but aggressive, somehow this whole trauma sucked me in. It somehow debilitated my defenses and i was left with was silence and a deep sense of shame.My mom never showed a single tear but I never saw her happy in life ever till now! She has worked tirelessly for our upbringing. My dad didn’t even try to communicate. My mom started acting aggressively. She became a constant yeller and instead of a parent me and my brother always found a warden out there whenever we tried to reach for familial support. She never let us or anybody got emotionally attached to her.

We have been living in our grandfather’s house since then but the way we’re treated here is worth dying rather than living for. The best years of my life were ruined. I was a pampered child, full of desires, I was loved the most at my dad’s house-this transition was hell of a kind. It deprived me of the basic need of life- a sense of security. The whole that somehow never seemed to fill in, never healed.

I kept searching for someone to fit in the image of a father but did not find any ideal support. At 17, i found a friend whom i idolized as my support for family. He was my refuge to harsh times and not only did he have time for listening to me he was a guarantee of love – a forever lasting love. Slowly and gradually i started coming back to life. I sought my lost confidence, began to meet people, more than anything else i was happy. Now that image of a father fit my friend perfectly.

Unfortunately my uncles doubted my way too getting close to him and blamed me for having an illicit relationship with him. They gave me a one way road trip message to either live him or leave them. For years i stayed in silence but I was not going to lose someone I loved the most. I put up a fight but lost most brutally.

The friend I thought was everlasting abandoned me out of pressure and hesitation – fear of the comments people might say. The family that if either not fully well that sort of tried to raise me abandoned me too. And what worse could happen when at the same time I was diagnosed with chronic leukemia. I was 17 but life didn’t see that it was my teenage that needed me and not hell.

Those were the worst times that I could ever imagine. I was homeless, hunger-stricken and penniless. I had no one to turn to. My uncles removed me from my house, taunting rude remarks at me and my character , calling me a slut more frequently.

I had no choice and no place to go. The person who i loved the most shut me out from everywhere. My nightmares returned again. It felt being abandoned the same way – history repeating it self again.

I went to my grad school principal and told him the whole situation, there was my math teacher whom I got very close with, she helped me got along with the tough time. I spent six months of my life at the hostel and hospital continuously fighting for survival. I lost my strength due to chemotherapy and my appearance was shattered. I celebrated my 18th birthday in neglect and rejection. Still with the support of my teachers and some of my friends I coped up.

Once I got into remission – I had only one way in front of me – without no support from my family, although my mother was still there paying my tuition fee, I had to take revenge. I completed my BSc in Psychology while studying engineering at the same time. Got a job, collected enough money so that I could survive a bone-marrow transplant and got rid of my cancer.

I am nineteen now, I have a job as a clinical psychologist at a clinic, i will be graduating as an avionics engineer in an year and I am cancer free.

But the hole still resides. The loss of my best friend whom I termed my brother is still there. Even though i wanted to make him pay for the sufferings he caused me I cannot because its the love that bounded me with him. He was in no way different than a family member to me. He was a part of my soul which he scarred very brutally.

Even though I’ve tried to patch it up I fail time and again. He couldn’t understand, nor does my family. There is a burning sense of loss everytime I see someone with a complete family. The people I trusted the most termed me gay without ever trying to know what I really wanted. But people talk – what else they have to say. I never paid any heed to them – but hearing the same things from my friends mouth shattered my to the core.

I have lost the feeling of trust on every one. This was the person I loved the most in my entire life. I used to buy him gifts from whatever low savings I managed yet he never understood me. He questions me as to why i love him when he is just like any other boy – indirectly terming me as once again ‘homosexual’

I meet with my dad almost every week yet I cannot feel any connection to him. My mom has been there for me, or what seems to be. Emotionally I’m barren with no more space left for love.

I’ve gone through way too many losses that I’ve stopped counting. I put others before myself and healing their lives have become a major goal of mine.

People like him and people like my family can never understand what it actually feels like to grow up seeing opportunities slip away. Our lives are not just the same anymore. I like the others appear to have almost everything but it’s the love that we lacked all our life is what breaks us down.

Whenever I reflect upon my past I have questions. Questions left unanswered. Why did my parents not stay together, even for us? What was my fault that I was subjected to shame and neglect? What was my fault when all i ever did was to love unconditionally when my friend left? What did i get for being sincere and honest for fighting with my family to have my friend for life?

I still remember those icy cold winters when I didn’t have a pair of sweaters and socks to wear and I’ll i have was a pair of shorts which I could barely cover my legs with. How can i forget when I yearned for just a single coloring book when kids around me had countless to waste. How can i block the feeling of emptyness when all i saw in the hospital was death around me with my father leaving with a comment ‘you have to do this on your own.’ And how can i stop loving my brother who disgraced me within myself telling me straight in the face that it was illegal for us to be this close. I can just close my eyes in an effort that somehow these fears wash away but I know the next moment i’ll wake up – they’re bound to chase me forever.

If you are reading this and you know someone with somewhat the same history and that someone appears to be a little too more ‘velcro’ type, trying to stay with you, demanding more of your time then trust me, that person does not need anything except your love which is in fact never enough.

I was “the bad one” out of two siblings growing up. Even though my mom would pick one at any time to take her fury out. It has made me weak and strong at the same. If i ever have kids of my own i vow to never treat them in any way that i thought would make them feel unloved and not good enough. I think im intelligent enough to get my point across in the raising a child process without doing this with much better results. And if i ever see anybody strugging in the same way and there is anything i can do to help. Love is the best medicine….and when your LOVED you know it you dont have to wonder!!!

Adding on to the above:
I see everyone is saying that they were the
“bad” one… the worst part I was the “good” one, everyone’s favorite. My father told my brother that he never worried about me because I was smart, I know how to take care of myself. He was right but how does it make it okay to turn me away after showing me love and care for 15 years?!!

No one deserves this, and I feel for you all!!

I’m getting married in 5 months and my mother who abandoned me 28 years ago when I was 5 years old now wants to attend my wedding after hearing the news from my aunt (my father’s sister who still keeps in contact with my mom). Initially I said ok she can attend but told my aunt to relay the message that no expectation should be attached to the wedding invite. But of course, I hear back from aunt that my mother wants to have a phone conversation with me before she comes to my wedding and that she would like to stay at my place, what should she buy for the groom’s parents, what is the custom in America etc. (I’m Korean btw and both my parents are as well.) I felt overwhelmed with her requests of me. I don’t want anything from her, certainly not money or gifts or whatever materialistic things she wants to give me to earn my love. Why couldn’t we just take it slow, at my pace, if she loves me and wants me in her life? I was outraged and hurt and the next day, I go to work and fall to pieces, crying in front of my boss. I am tired of these outbursts whenever my mom is mentioned or whenever she tries to contact me. I want to forgive her but it’s really hard for me. As a woman, I understand and empathize that my dad cheated on her and so she had to divorce and leave him. But as a woman who wants to have a child in a few years, I do not understand my mother’s abandonment of me. How could you abandon your own child who can’t take care of herself because she is 5 years old? How could you when I did not choose to be born, the parents brought me to life, shouldn’t they take responsibility for their own actions? Why should I be the one suffering so much because of their irresponsible behavior? I bounced from stranger’s home to home and even ended up an orphanage for 3 years. I went to 10 different schools growing up and I always was in a survivor mode and never really let out as a child. When I came to American at age 12 and lived with my aunt, my dad’s sister, I’ve been told I was acting like a 5 year old since I did not let myself develop because I was in a survivor mode for 7 years. I studied and worked really hard in life and I chose to surround myself with positive, good-hearted people (after much heartaches and sad/violent events which I don’t want to go into too much, that would be a novel) and if it wasn’t for the fact she is my mother, I would have nothing to do with this kind of person. She abandoned me when I was five so she could marry a wealthy man and have a comfortable life, she chose that path so what does she want from me now? I know what I want, I want to not feel bad anymore, I am very happy with where I am in my life and the only shadow over me is this abandonment issue with my parents (yes, I also do not talk to my dad and that is a long story, he is just not a good person and definitely don’t want him in my life). I wish there was a straight away answer in how to forgive and come to terms with parents’ abandonment. I really want to get pass this. I also want to say that my heart goes out to all of you and reading your story made me feel better knowing that I wasn’t the only one dealing with this, that there are people out there who understand what I’m going through because they have been there too. And I draw strength from all of you because you are still living, breathing beings and I applaud that you are alive and kicking! Everyone deserves to love and be loved and be happy and we must fight for this if we have to!

I donno what to write. Where to start. When I was Kid, every one seems to love me a lot. At least I though so. Being the youngest son, I though I am pammpered by everyone. But when there was a hard time for my family, every thing went wrong for me. Every one started rejecting and avoiding me. During my childhod I used to be very sick and my parent took care a lot and spend lot of money. Initially no one talked about that. But during crisis, every one started blaming for the crisis. IMAGINE I was only 12 years old that time. I grew up with the curse and hatred, I got used with Drugs, Alcohol and smoking. Even I am addicted with sex to keep my mental peace. I have many relationship with many girls for love and affection. But with all these habits, my health started detoriating more. Now I am 29, still not able to forget a single day. Even I am not able to keep relationship with anyone. Please help me………

Is there anyone out there who shares the pain of being rejected by sisters? It is a horrible thing that leaves a hole in my soul–and lots of empty spaces in my world where sisters are supposed to be –like Thanksgiving, Christmas and times I just want to share support by phone. I get SO jealous when I hear of other women having their siblings and nieces and nephews over to hang out with them and their kids. SO SO jealous–and sad–and lonely. My parents, sadly, are both deceased. Anyone out there with adult sibling issues like this?

iv been in care since the age of seven, me and my brother and sister went straight into foster care, because of serious neglect back at home , from my mother and who i thought was my father at the time. after a year of being in care my brother and sister were adopted but i wasnt as the social thought i had a stronger connection with my mother, than my brother and sister did, after the adoption my mother then come clean about my father, and that he wasnt my real father, both incidents affected me more than all the neglect put together, i then found out my mother was in care and dosnt speak to her family and that my real father is dead, by the age of sixteen my mother had two more children another brother and sister, and after years of living with the promise of living with my mother again, she then decided to move to australia (from the u.k) without me , so when i left care i didnt have a single blood relative to fall back on and still dont, life is very very tough!

Dear Jeff,

Having been abandoned by both parents in my teenage years I know what damage it does to a person’s emotional and mental well being. The symptoms are wide ranging, from self doubt and low self esteem to being unable to trust and taking on false beliefs about people in general. In your case I think it is of great importance that your sons have you on their side. I’ d recommend counseling and trying to find a female figure to show them that not all women abandon their children, some sort of role model. I’m not speaking about a new relationship, there are other ways of meeting people that can act as mentors to young children/teenagers and be of some help to you too: family counseling or support groups, volunteering at a charity or some other place that provides good guidance.
All the best to you and everyone here who has been suffering from toxic parents.

Sincerely,

S.

A friend of mine has been staying with me for the last few days. She has a husband and three young sons. Last Friday she underwent “minor” surgery. She has been on an anti-depressant for years and I know she has struggled with the “is this all there is” question and wondering why now that she has the life she thought she wanted and was supposed to have, it isn’t everything she thought it would be. She has told me she thinks she wants to leave them. I know that when my children were young, I often “fantasized” about escaping to a cabin in the woods, not having to take care of anyone or anything for one more second. She is on the verge of leaving them but says she wants to make sure that her boys are “ok”. I believe that she is making a horrible mistake and that before she actually leaves her family, she should try counseling. She said that she doesn’t believe it will help, that nothing will ever change. I want to give her a place to stay so she can rest for a few days, but I don’t want to make it easy for her to leave them. How much should I press her to do what I think is right? What books can I give her to help her through this crisis? How do I get her to see that unless she does everything she can to stay she will never know if she actually did the right thing. HELP

My son’s dad rejected both my son and I because he found out we were disabled and he saw that disabilities run in my family.

I try to make sure that my son knows he is love but it is not enough. I will be seeking help and counseling for him.

I’m a 19yr old young lady and most of the time I find it hard to believe that I’ll ever be worthy enough for someone. My dad walked out on my mum when I was 11 months old, came back one night 2 years later and that’s how i have my little sister. He went and married another woman, having another 2 daughters and they’re still together to this day. We only saw him every second weekend as kids and now my younger sister has cut contact with him and I see him once every few months. Being the oldest I had to step up and act as an adult with my mum. She physically abused me for 10 years. I haven’t got any other family beside my parents. I’m so angry at them for putting their selfish needs before the needs of my younger sister and I. I have yet to have my first boyfriend, let alone my first kiss. It seems silly but I just can’t forgive them. Maybe if they weren’t so selfish I could’ve had a normal life. I don’t think I’ll ever get the life I dream of.