School is starting sometime in the next few weeks for nearly every child in America.  Reactions tend to be mixed.  Many kids love returning to the routine, the stimulation, being with friends daily, and getting to know their teacher.  Others become anxious, dread their class load, and try to avoid thinking about social troubles at school.

And parents, many of them have a mixed bag of reactions as well.  Some look forward to it and some say they will be crushed because they are alone all day.  I am excited because it’s my baby’s first day of kindergarten, but I’m also wistful because it’s my baby’s first day of kindergarten.  More than anything, it will be the first time all of my kids are in school all day long.  That’s a major adjustment for me, but I’ve been looking forward to it.

Here’s another spin on the parental reaction to going back to school.  I was flipping channels the other day, came across a Walmart ad with a mom getting her daughter all her bedding for college.  As they were hugging and looking at this cool looking bed, tears started flowing.

I was flashed vividly back to the day I moved into college and my parents put up my loft bed.  What a day that was for them because I was their first born.  But me – I’m crying about my oldest daughter leaving home for college, except that she’s just going into the fourth grade next week.  I realize time flies, but really.  Not even close.

I also sobbed at my youngest’s preschool graduation (the soon-to-be kindergartner).  I was pleased to find another mom I knew at that graduation crying her eyes out too.  We already know we’re bringing a whole box of tissues to the high school one.

Really, the message here is that these reactions are all some level of normal.  Pay attention to any sort of anxieties or dislike of school that seems to be prolonged.  If your child has been bullied or has an undiagnosed learning disability, that’s probably how it will show up.  Normal …

OK, it may seem that I’m stating something kind of obvious here.  Being tired can make you crabby, and crabby people aren’t too fun to hang around.  But really, it bears some attention here.  We can tell when our kids are overly tired, but what about us as parents?  We’re so concerned that our kids not stay up too late, but we often dismiss our own need for good rest.  Let’s talk about this.

First, just take an inventory on how well you think things have been going with your family lately.  Have you felt extra frustrated with the kids lately?  And if so, can recall how good your sleep was the night or two before?  It’s really important to consider your perspective during those times.  Were they having their own issues while you stayed calm and level, or do you recall being emotionally set off?

Certainly, I’m not asking you to dismiss legitimate behavior issues with your kids.  Just wanting you to consider the possibility that you may be somewhat short on patience when you are not getting enough sleep.  This is especially likely in families with two working parents or families with young babies.  A lot to do and not enough time to do it, or not your choice of scheduling with the infant.

I’ve been there all too often.  What do you sacrifice – finishing something you were supposed to finish today or getting enough shut-eye so you aren’t a zombie the next day?  More often than not, I chose to finish the “thing” and lose the sleep.  Not great since I real fan of sleep.  For me, I know that I sometimes push things off and I have to get them done at a later hour than I want to.  Then I get more tired, needing more time in the morning to rev up and it’s even harder for me to get a head start on things.  Doesn’t help that I’m a night person either.  That’s my personal habit to work on, including writing this post right now to make me think about it.

I …

Divorce is one of the most difficult things a child can possibly go through.  They have attachments to both parents, and now one is being ripped away from them.  There isn’t any magic pill to make all the pain go
away, but there are a few things you may be able to do to ease the blow on your children.

Any of the suggestions I list here assume that you are divorcing from someone who isn’t purposely out to harm you or your children.  If you are divorcing a physically abusive person, an addict with no intent to recover, or someone who does intentionally harm to your relationship with your children, some of these ideas may not be possible or even recommended.  You must follow whatever is legally in the divorce decree, but above all, you and your children need to be safe.

Be as kind as you can to your ex-spouse, especially when the children are present.  This means anything you may say about your ex-spouse to your children, any conversation you might have in front of them, any dealings you have with other family members.  Bad comments from your mouth are likely to impact your child somehow, either because someone else tells them or because the comments create greater tension and
less cooperation.

If you need to tell your child that your ex-spouse was unsafe to be around because of drugs or hurting them, do tell them the truth about this.  It may sound like you are just talking badly about them, but anything that may be a really important learning point about their future life (like not repeating parent’s mistakes) should be shared honestly.

If at all possible, live close enough to your ex-spouse so that the children can have easy quick access to both parents.  Find ways for the non-custodial parent to be involved in daily activities like homework, activities, practices, even family meals if this can be achieved.  This might sound like a lot for two adults who were not able to stay married.  But if you have an amicable relationship with your ex, these shared …

Many more kids now seem to be diagnosed with ADD or ADHD.  ADD is mostly about difficulty paying attention, and ADHD has attention problem along with hyperactivity.  These can run in families or be more isolated.  No matter how it comes about, parents are looking for solutions.  Here is one suggestion that you can use to help a child with attention problems.

Where Does The Message Go?

We parents sometimes take things for granted.  We think (or maybe just hope) that when kids hear us call their name, they will know it’s time to focus in on what’s coming next.  Unfortunately, that doesn’t always
happen.  And for a child with particular difficulty paying attention, it can be an even bigger challenge.

Take this very typical statement from a parent.  “Jessie, go get your jacket and put it in your closet.”  Something nearly any parent in America might say to a child old enough to do that task.  But let’s flip it around and see it from the perspective of a child with trouble paying attention.

Let’s imagine the inattentive child is busy playing when the parent says this.  How much of that statement do you think they really heard when it first happened?  More than likely, they only just heard their name.  Or
they might have only registered that it was their mom saying something loudly to one of the kids.  Everything after their name fell out of their ears.

What’s a parent’s response likely to be when they tell their child to do something and they don’t do anything at all?  They start to get annoyed at their child and might repeat it again but with a more negative tone in their voice.  The child might get defensive at this second attempt because they honestly didn’t realize they were expected to do something.  Right away there is a mismatch of expectations between the parent and the child.  The parent sees this as possibly laziness or disrespect, and the child might see this as being really negative and like they are always in trouble.

Break Down Your Message Into Small Parts

How could this …

Rejection is one of the most devastating and humiliating emotions humans can have.  Even if it’s for surface-level reasons, like your hairstyle or your shoes, it can feel deeply personal.  It’s bad enough when you feel rejected by a peer at work or by someone you thought was a friend.  Imagine that one of your parents turns away and doesn’t look back.

Kids with an AWOL parent do lots of things to try to restore some sense of balance and security.  They become strongly attached, sometimes fixated on objects.  They may become more rigid with their routines, more insistent about what they want, more repetitive to create security.

Kids also try many different ways to fill in the void of their absent parent. Older kids may become sexual at an earlier age, or they may try to hide from their pain and anxiety by taking drugs and drinking.  They may become familiar with strangers far too easily or too affectionate with people they hardly know well.  They may have deep insecurities that affect friendships and dating relationships.  They may become depressed because they thought they weren’t good enough to keep their missing parent around.

The other parent and extended family members may feel unsure about how to help the child or children left behind.  Often children who have been abandoned have some difficulties for years.  However, it doesn’t
mean they are doomed to a lonely life or years of misery.  Some children are naturally more resilient than others.  Some children have more support than others.

There’s no really good way to tell how a child will adapt to rejection or abandonment from their parent.  Children continue to readjust to the world around them and their inner selves as they mature.  What might have been very difficult as a young child may be easier to comprehend as a teen.  Or something that an elementary school child was oblivious to might become painfully clear when they get to middle school.

Mental health counseling is sometimes helpful for a child in this situation.  But not every child needs this much help necessarily.  And even …

Families with alcoholism or drug addiction don’t function the same way a healthy family functions.  And though any drug makes a family unhealthy, I’m going to refer to alcoholism just to keep this easier to read.  A healthy family has the adults in loving leadership roles while the children are given an emotionally safe environment.  An alcoholic family creates roles that balance the addiction but create deep emotional pain for everyone.

The role I’m describing today is the “hero child”.  It is usually taken on by the oldest child in the family.  The purpose of the hero child is to bring honor back to the family’s image and identity.  It’s disgraced by the presence of addiction.  The hero child’s public presentation saves face for the family both to themselves and to the others.

The hero child is likely an overachiever, throws themselves into their school activities, gets high grades, and so on.  They rarely get into trouble and have a longing for approval.  The public good name of their family rides on their shoulders.  Their desperate hope is that if they are just good enough, smart enough, responsible enough, and accomplish enough, they can drag their unhealthy family out of the pit and all will be well.

It is just a distraction, of course.  The alcoholic will still be alcoholic no matter what the hero child accomplishes and no matter how clean their room is.  And they are unlikely to get that approval they so desperately want.  Eventually, the stress and strain of giving so much of themselves for the sake of the family – and for what?

This can sometimes be internalized as anxiety or depression.  And once they realize they could never do enough, the hero child can become very resentful towards the family.  The alcoholism creates a black hole that sucks the life and love away from the family, leaving a lot of pain behind.

Keep in mind that roles are not shackles.  Some kids react to addiction in ways that don’t quite fit the mold.  Or, a younger sibling who acts more like the hero may …

Change – sometimes hard to live with, nearly impossible to avoid.  People are creatures of comfort, so change sometimes comes as an unwelcome guest.  But even positive change can cause people to feel disrupted and anxious.  An entire family facing change means there are more feelings, more reactions, more questions, and more hopes to account for.

Imagine your family is selling your house and looking for a new one at the same time.  After you list the house, much of the selling part is out of your control.  You are at once juggling the upkeep of your current home, jumping up and leaving the house for showings, looking at potential homes to buy, keeping an eye out for school transfers, and any emotional attachments to your current neighborhood.

This is a ton to deal with.  You are uprooting and trying to settle all at the same time.  This can be tough on your emotions and your kids.  You and your spouse may have different ideas of what you want in the next home, your kids may be upset about leaving friends, and your heart strings might be tugged as you get ready to emotionally detach from your current home.  Even if everyone says they are excited about the changes, mixed feelings are bound to crop up.

There isn’t really a cure for this – it’s normal to feel disrupted and a little frustrated when you are on the edge of big change.  It’s easy to snap and bicker with family members as tensions rise.  Attempts at humor may be misinterpretted as criticism.  Miscommunication or age-typical forgetfulness can spark raised voices from a parent.

When your family feels like it’s in the middle of a whirlwind like that, it’s important to remember that your family is there as a haven.  It’s meant to be the thing that keeps everyone afloat during uncertain times.  To combat the anxiety and tension, plan some easy family fun time.  Favorite board games, playing tag in the yard, watching comedy movies – whatever will make everyone laugh and have fun together.  Being together and releasing …