Divorce is one of the most difficult things a child can possibly go through. They have attachments to both parents, and now one is being ripped away from them. There isn’t any magic pill to make all the pain go
away, but there are a few things you may be able to do to ease the blow on your children.
Any of the suggestions I list here assume that you are divorcing from someone who isn’t purposely out to harm you or your children. If you are divorcing a physically abusive person, an addict with no intent to recover, or someone who does intentionally harm to your relationship with your children, some of these ideas may not be possible or even recommended. You must follow whatever is legally in the divorce decree, but above all, you and your children need to be safe.
Be as kind as you can to your ex-spouse, especially when the children are present. This means anything you may say about your ex-spouse to your children, any conversation you might have in front of them, any dealings you have with other family members. Bad comments from your mouth are likely to impact your child somehow, either because someone else tells them or because the comments create greater tension and
less cooperation.
If you need to tell your child that your ex-spouse was unsafe to be around because of drugs or hurting them, do tell them the truth about this. It may sound like you are just talking badly about them, but anything that may be a really important learning point about their future life (like not repeating parent’s mistakes) should be shared honestly.
If at all possible, live close enough to your ex-spouse so that the children can have easy quick access to both parents. Find ways for the non-custodial parent to be involved in daily activities like homework, activities, practices, even family meals if this can be achieved. This might sound like a lot for two adults who were not able to stay married. But if you have an amicable relationship with your ex, these shared activities can give your children the next closest thing to having their family intact.
Stay single until all your children have grown and graduated from high school. Yes, that’s a big one. Many divorced parents remarry and sometimes have more children together. However, the focus on the children from the original family unavoidably gets spread more thinly when a new spouse and more children are added. This is an understandable adjustment when babies are born into a family that is from one marriage. But when they are born into a family with half siblings, this can bring up a real mixed reaction. Children from the “original” family can feel somewhat displaced and with an unclear sense of family identity.
As with many things, there are always positive exceptions to how this works out. And you may realize that you are one of the lucky ones that have had a truly smooth and loving outcome from a remarriage with or without more children. But this is not so in many cases. In general, remarriage (with or without new half-siblings) seems to add more burden to the children’s already upturned sense of family security.
I realize divorce is a touchy subject, for people who have divorce in their life either as a child growing up or as a parent now. There’s no judgment being cast here, only suggestions and recommendations that put the well-being of children above all else.
I am curious to know your stories about divorce, remarriage, making things work with parents and children. Some of you may have success stories, others may have stories that didn’t turn out so well. Divorce is relatively common and I know readers follow this blog for insight, support , and understanding. Whatever you have to share, positive or painful, may help someone else going through it either as a parent or as someone who experienced this as a child. I respectfully open the comments to anyone who wishes to share.
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Advice On Visitation For Divorced Dads | Divorced in Canada: Canadian Divorce Guide (August 16, 2009)
One way to establish positive relationships and communication between divorcing parents is to mediate the divorce and parenting plan, as opposed to litigating (using lawyers). Divorce Mediation allows those who are divorcing to create a plan from the onset that allows them to put their children first, improve communication for the future, and establish a plan for co-parenting that will work for the unique needs of their family.
Hi,
Excellent article, perfectly timed for me, as I’m just divorcing my wife. Just last night, I talked to my little boy about it. Boy, was it hard. I cried so hard, it hurt so much. The look on his face and him watching me hurt so much were so hard.
But anyway, life must go on and I must be the best example I want to give to my son.
Thanks for articles like this. I’ll see my therapist later in the day and will give her a printed copy of this for us to discuss.
Thanks.
Camilo
Children can react very differently to separation or divorce. The way they react depends on a number of things, but two important factors are the age of the child and the degree of conflict and animosity between the parents. There is no doubt this is a stressful period for children, but most recover and end up leading normal healthy lives.
Children from separated families can develop and flourish just as well as other children. Their adjustment is enhanced when parents remain sensitive to the children’s needs. Separation is often a surprise for children and they generally experience many of the same feelings as adults. Children can also grieve for quite a long time. They may be unaware of the problems their parents were having and they may feel shocked and confused when the separation occurs. They are also likely to feel insecure and worry whether the remaining parent will leave them as well.
Some children may feel that they must have been to blame. Others may feel very angry with either or both of their parents and want to blame one of them. Sometimes children become unsure about whether they can still love the parent who left, and they can wonder what is happening to the absent parent.
Although parents are often upset and confused themselves at this time, it is important to try to understand what your children are going through and to consider their feelings as well. Remember, it can be far less harmful for a child to go through family breakdown than to go on living in an unhappy family where there is extreme tension and fighting in the home.
Ways you can help your children:
- When you begin to accept the separation then your children will be able to do the same - it is important that you get on with your life and not dwell in the past or hang on to any anger or bitterness.
- Ensure your children know you both still love them and that this will always be the case.
Don’t criticise the other parent in front of the children.
- Be positive about the other parent when talking to your children.
- Give your children the clear message that it is good for them to have an ongoing relationship with both of you.
- Let your children know that even though separating is upsetting, you are handling it and expect things to improve.
- Be aware that children often tell you what they think you want to hear and sometimes what they say should not be taken too literally. A young child who says, when questioned about his time with his father: “I don’t like the food my daddy gives me to eat”, may just want to reassure his mother that he likes living with her.
- Talk to the other parent about your children and their interests.
- Talk to your children’s teachers.
- Give your children the time to think about and express their own feelings about the other parent, even if those feelings are not the same as yours.
- Avoid conflict and arguments in front of your children.
- Avoid asking them to give messages to the other parent.
- Turn to other adults for emotional support rather than your children.
- Help your children to discuss their feelings about the separation.
- Reassure children that they are not to blame - sometimes when parents are fighting some of the anger is directed toward the children who may then mistakenly believe that it was because they were bad or troublesome that led to their parent’s separation.
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