This week, I’m in a school kind of mood. It is the first week I’ve had all my kids in school and it’s working great for everyone. My youngest said her brain’s tired from all the thinking and paying attention and following directions. Hmm. Well anyway, this got me thinking about the classic parenting question. Why do kids often behave much better for their teachers than they do at home?
Sometimes when I’ve been at a parent teacher conference, I’ve caught myself thinking, “Are we talking about the same kid here?” Not like my kids are setting the carpet on fire or screaming in the driveway at midnight. But still, I see all the random sibling-annoying screaming mother-ignoring fibbing nonsense that goes on during school “off hours”.
At school, the teacher might wonder why they haven’t started speaking up in class. Or I hear that the one who always seems to rush through things at home takes too long in class because they want to finish all the details right. Or the one who occasionally tries to get out of trouble by not admitting their involvement gets an award for honesty and integrity. Or, the one who seems to do her best to resist my directions at home is exhausted from all the “thinking and paying attention” at school.
Is it just me? Is my house in a child behavior vortex? Am I just not catching the good stuff and noticing too much of the bad? Do some teachers get a bag of pixie dust that’s not available to parents?
You know teachers know it’s true – they always tell me when they see that look on my face that says, “Really? My kid does what?” This is not a new phenomenon to them. Of course, some kids have behavior problems because of other major things going on. These behavior problems are likely to show up in school, at home, at church, and various other places. I’m talking about a Jekyl and Hyde thing that has perplexed me as a parent.
I did a little internet research and found a great article on KidsGrowth.com that spoke to this issue. The main point I gleaned from this was to see what the classroom teaching model had that parents could borrow. Discipline uses guidance and structure with positive support.
Do you do this for your children, or do you let your emotions and frustrations get in the way? Do you have good space in your home for your kids to explore, play, have private time, read, do their homework? Are you consistent with your praise and discipline? Also, the article points out that at home, kids already know what they can get away with and what they can’t. Parents might be letting their kids through more loopholes than the teachers do. Ouch.
I know, you thought I had something terribly brilliant to say about how the kids pull off the two-faced behavior, or what’s in the magic dust the teachers have. Instead, I’m daring you to look in the mirror as a parent. Once again. Hopefully, you’ll find something insightful and useful. You might even get your kid to pay as much attention to you as they do to their teacher.
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Hello,
I stumbled across your blog in attempts to find parenting solutions for my sensitive, inattentive, yet very adorable 6 yo daughter who recently became a big sister. I found myself reading each one of your blog posts start to finish. You offer great insight to family dynamics, and finding equilibrium for each unique situation. I will continue to read your posts, and comment from time to time. Thanks for candidly sharing your knowledge and life experiences.
Cheers,
jewels
I always thought my kids acted up more at home because they knew it was safe. They knew that even when we got angry with their behavior, at the end of the day, they’d be loved and accepted just the same. At home it’s okay to screw up sometimes.
I think the fact that they do behave well in school shows that parents have indeed taught them well.
Beth -
Good point – that’s something I think I neglected to add to my post. They do have a greater level of comfort and security at home. Unfortunately, that’s also why people (adults and children) sometimes take out their frustrations on their loved ones.
They know they can be crabby or yell too much and probably, nobody’s going anywhere. Doesn’t make family life very fun during those times, but it may be the ONLY place they feel comfortable to express themselves anywhere. Maybe not the most healthy or clear expression of what their issues are, but still expression nonetheless.
Thanks for bringing up that excellent point. And that’s why a little self examination can help you understand what’s going on in your own house. It can help you talk to your kids about making things work well in school as well as home.
Jewels –
Thanks so much for your compliments! I know my writing can’t be everything to all people, but I do try to send a clear message with a little wiggle room on either side for parents to work with. Very few things are absolute in life, so I think it’s good to encourage a little flexibility.
Hope you continue to enjoy reading my posts in the future. 
Last reviewed: 18 Aug 2009
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