If your kids have been around each other for more than five minutes, chances are you’re going to hear some sort of disagreement between them soon.  Yes you did, No I didn’t, I had it first, If you do that one more time I’ll tell.  On and on and on.  It can give a parent a headache in a hurry.  So is it better for you to break it up  or let them hash it out themselves?

Breaking it up will probably make you feel more in control of the situation, at least for a while.  You may temporarily silence the squeaky wheels, but the underlying issue might remain.  The message you give is just to be quiet, not necessarily to get along.

Letting your kids hash out their differences is another option.  The main unfortunate side effect is that it may take a long while for the noise to settle down.  You might not be able to take the screaming, name calling, and physical scraping along the way.

These two solutions may sound OK at first, but they have some flaws.  Instead, I offer a combination of these two choices.  First, breaking up an argument can be most helpful when it’s done early, before any physical aggression or name calling and when everyone might still listen to you for a second.  To encourage problem solving, don’t just leave them with a big “Shhh!”  Instead, tell them that it’s perfectly fine for them to disagree but just with quieter voices, please.  Also, it’s important to break something up if you hear it escalating past the disagreement.  When you hear name calling, mean words, or physical fighting, there’s no solution being created.

If you find yourself breaking up a lot of fights, you may need to coach your kids more directly on solving problems together.  Be a mediator and collaborator so that you can help them find the words to communicate what they want without leading to aggression or mean comments.  Once you see them taking your lead, let them progress with it and praise them for good work done.  Then, when you aren’t there sometimes, you can give them specific direction to get them back on track.

Just being passionate about one’s position isn’t reason enough to jump into the middle.  But it is a sign to listen more closely.  Verbal aggression is the step below physical aggression.  Know your kids on this one – if they are mostly bark and not much bite, then you may be able to hang back more comfortably.  Some kids are more likely to yell, “I quit!” and take themselves out of the heat rather than lash out.

It’s also interesting to hear the impassioned pleas of one kid trying to bargain with another so they can get along.  Then the one kid bends a little, tries to get something their way too, and boom – you have a workable compromise.   Yes, a little rough around the edges sometimes, but still workable.  You might still have a headache from the noise, but you might end up with more peaceful solutions in the end.

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From Psych Central's website:
PsychCentral (July 29, 2009)

    Last reviewed: 28 Jul 2009