I had wondered if this surgery might prompt a possible rebound of depression symptoms.  The surgery was similar to past ones and it was at the same hospital.  I actually think that part went OK.  Had lots of contact with family and friends, the surgery went quicker than we had thought it would, and had big improvement each day.

What I’m finding is that the daily attention I need to give her is more taxing than anything else.  It’s like having a very young child that needs to be picked up, fed, attended to without question or long delay, and to
have their emotions comforted frequently.  I’m still not thinking I’m having any kind of depression rebound, but I had somewhat miscalculated what would be more stressful for me overall.  That’s a key point of awareness for anyone who’s had depression - making the best guess of what could trigger you.  Even if you know yourself well, you might still be surprised by what kicks off symptoms.

Thankfully, I do feel well and I have many more outlets for my emotions now than I did then.  I did catch myself having a really big scary “what if” thought the other morning.  I had an unsettling feeling that something bad was going to come of my choices to be really focused on her care.  I feared I would suffer some kind of unexpected backlash for making myself unavailable for certain responsibilities for a while, or because I blanked out an important obligation that came around the time of the surgery.

After a moment or two of dealing with this, I took a closer look at what I was thinking about.  My circumstances for her previous surgeries were different those years ago, and I did experience some bad things at the same time.  Most of it was because of my untreated postpartum depression and the fact that nobody knew it was changing me.

Here’s what I took away from this moment of fear - that was then, this is now.  Just because I had some problems then didn’t mean I would have some now.  I didn’t have to feel guilty for no good reason, just for being a mother.  Just because I had the feeling of fear didn’t mean it was accurate information or a warning to heed.

Taking good care of myself and my daughter won’t bring me problems this time around.  And if I handle things responsibly and proactively, anyone who does have a problem with it may find me not caring that
much this time around.

Each day has had it’s improvements and frustrations.  She and I are simply traveling through them together.  I don’t know what my final impression of this time will be, but I’m optimistic that it will be a positive test of my resilience

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