Families are dynamic beings.  New babies signify the addition of another generation.  Death makes holes in the family.  Whether young or old, a family member dying makes everything different.  Every holiday, every
visit, every “how’s life going?” email, every season change.  Human beings tend to take big changes pretty hard, especially when you didn’t want it in the first place.

Just this weekend I lost a member of my extended family.  It’s over long distance, but that doesn’t make the pain any less real.  In fact, I began to reflect on how this grieving process will be somewhat awkward.  It’s unlikely that I’ll be going to the memorial service.  Too many days away and the expense are checks against me.  I was able to do it for my grandfather, but I’m not sure it’s in the cards now.  Although a service doesn’t necessarily make all the difference, I know it would be an opportunity for me to be with family members that I don’t see often.  At home, it will seem like it’s just any other day.  We’ll have to do something personal here while the rest of the family is at the main event.

I’ve also found that I’ve been grieving each of the important deaths in my life just a little bit.  My mind wandered to my grandpa’s memorial service, my one grandmother that died the day after my wedding (couldn’t go to the service), my other grandmother who died while I was pregnant, an influential and beloved teacher who died of cancer, my husband’s grandparents, and my cousin who died from an ATV accident.

I’ve recalled the various circumstances where I learned of their death, the funeral or my lack of ability to attend, how I felt after each death, my longing to have a chance to see them again just once.  This didn’t take over my weekend or overwhelm me to the point that I couldn’t do my normal things.  I think this is just a part of my grieving process.  I think I’ve done OK dealing with these other losses in their time, but I still miss each one of them.

I’m at once comforted by my spiritual beliefs and saddened by the separation between us.  As this parade of losses has passed through my mind, I think it’s my way of resorting the configuration of my family.  There are holes in several places.  Some holes are older and the edges of hole don’t feel so jagged and fresh, some still smart when I poke at them too much.  Some of these older holes have been partially covered and shifted to a place of less prominence as I’ve adjusted to them being gone.  The holes will never be gone, but they are easier to live with.

Of course the next thought is that my family membe who died was a generation closer to me than my grandparents.  It has already started.  My own mortality is becoming gradually and slowly brought to the forefront.  Of course, any one could be hit by a truck or fall down the stairs to their death.  Surprises happen to people in any generation.  But I will say that the first death in the generation above me has caused me to reprocess my losses in a different way than before.

I don’t like the newest picture of my family.  It expanded in a happy way with the birth of a baby this winter, but now there is a big cavern.  The reality is starting to settle in, but it will probably not fully hit me until I make my next planned long distance family trip next year.  And even knowing that probably won’t make it any easier.

If you have a grief experience that you’d be willing to share, please do.  I think sharing stories about coping with death helps us all learn a little more about it.  It’s not easy, but it’s part of life.  Thanks.

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    Last reviewed: 26 Jul 2009