Unfortunately I think that a lot depends on your family circumstances…one of the most difficult decisions that I’ve ever had to make was asking my children’s father to leave after 2 years of not being willing to get help. With special needs children in the house, there’s a limit to how many people one parent can support and still function.

As someone who suffers from depression myself, I had nothing but empathy for his condition, and if we hadn’t had special needs children, I most likely would have been able to be a better support for him. But after 18 months of begging him to even make one appointment to get some help for himself, or at least to take steps so that he was capable of looking after the children so that I could work to support the family, I had to give him a deadline where if he didn’t seek help, he had to leave.

It’s a horrendous decision to have to make, especially when you viscerally understand the apathy and hopelessness that goes along with depression, but sometimes it just comes down to having to make life livable for the greatest number of people in your family. I am very lucky that I’ve established a small network of very close, long-term friends, who, when they tell me to go to the doctor, I do, whether I think I need to or not, and I would encourage everyone to have that type of “contract” with the one or two people who are closest to them. When you are in the grip of major depression you’re not always capable of making rational decisions for yourself.

Now my children’s father and I are both happily remarried to other people, we have a good parenting relationship together, and he has a good relationship with our children. That wouldn’t have been possible without our separation.

It is not an easy situation to be in, from either side. I know that when I’m depressed the last thing that I’m capable of doing is looking after other people, which is why I have other people “on call” to make sure that I get myself help when I need it.

I’m in a situation like this right now and I was hoping this article would have some suggestions. My spouse has anxiety that manifests itself as OCD sometimes. She has an unnatural preoccupation with her health, and spends a lot of time and money on alternative health remedies that may or may not work. I don’t think anything she’s taking is harmful. I just want her to be healthy, with or without alternative meds.

Anonymous,

It does sound like you think it is affecting her quality of life and your marriage to some degree. Anxiety has many ways of trapping a person into maintaining their anxiety, which can make it very challenging sometimes. The good news is that anxiety is very treatable. You didn’t mention that she was resistant to seeing a counselor, or perhaps she is already seeing a counselor?

Perhaps if she does have a physician or health care provider she trusts, you could take her to see this person to talk about your concerns. Sometimes it’s easier to start out going because of physical symptoms, which she seems to more easily focus on.

Here’s an earlier post I did on anxiety with a link that may be helpful to you at the bottom. Best of luck to you.

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/family/2009/04/how-not-to-help-your-family-member-with-anxiety/

I was in a relationship for many years with a partner who suffered from debilitating depression and anxiety. He had always scoffed at the idea of therapy and/or medication, saying that he had to work out his problems himself. But, he never tried.

The cycle of his depression dictated our happiness–our lives together could be great, or terrible, depending on his mood and/or preoccupations. For years, I was encouraging when his moods were at their blackest. I tried everything I could to lift him up out of them short of forcing him to go to a therapist. He never sought outside help, and never had the energy to take any steps on his own.

Eventually, I left him. It was the most difficult decision I’ve ever made, but I came to realize my own mental health was at risk.

Ultimately, I believe the fight to get over depression has to come from within. This realization was very difficult for me, because I could see my partner suffering and yet was powerless when it came to helping him.

Once I left him, my partner made some huge positive changes in his life. It took time, but he did it on his own. I’m so proud of him (and relieved, for his sake). This experience was what made me realize that the ultimate battle is fought by the person trying to overcome depression–and this is not a battle that can be fought for them by someone else.

Absolutely. You only have so much influence and ability to help. After that, it really does come down to the person themselves. Good for you for preserving your own self, and I’m glad it worked out well for your former spouse. Those don’t always get better, so he’s fortunate. Thanks for sharing your story and echoing that key point.

My husband is extremely depressed. He had a back operation 15 years ago that has left him unable to work. The pain medications add to his weight problem. In January of 08, I had to hospitalize him for mental illness. He was there for a week. He is currently under medication but refuses counseling. He feels as if there is nothing left. I am at my wits end. I try to keep the house up and the outside chores as our sons have now left the home. I can’t leave him and I won’t. Because of his physical condition, he does need my help. I’m afraid no rope, map or shovel will help.

Name Withheld,

I am so sorry to hear about that. You seem to feel pretty alone even though you are with him. At the very least, you might find some relief speaking to a counselor. You may be at risk for developing depression yourself, just because you are around it so much and it directly impacts your life.

Also, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) has chapters all around the country for family members of people with mental health problems. Others have probably been in similar places as you. They can offer support and suggestions.

I hope this helps.

My husband has been out of work for 6 months. He had this come about because of various things, but in the meantime I got pregnant for the first time. We have been married over 10 years, and I have gone through alot with his depression. Now he seems dejected and doesn’t feel comfortable with anthing I suggest. I know that he has this problem, and that depression takes over your life, but I am just wondering what mental health people could help him. Money is a problem, and everyone I have talked to previously let me know that to treat mental illness, you either need an insurance policy that covers it (which we don’t) or a huge pile of money to pay for it all (not available)

Suggestions?

Aya,

Thanks for writing in and I hope I can help you out here. Where I work, we accept Medicaid as a form of insurance. It’s determined by your income level, and if your husband’s been out of work for such a long time, you may very well qualify in your state. You would need to contact your Department of Health and Human Services of your state, or maybe your local county office, and see about qualifying.

Also, you may need to shop around for rates. Some community mental health centers offer sliding fee scales. This is different from a private practice, which might just be a psychologist and a few therapists in an office. A community mental health center is more likely to offer other programs like community support for mentally ill people, drug addiction programs, maybe therapeutic foster care, youth workers that work with kids on probation, etc etc.

These are programs that often get some kind of state or federal funding. They can often offer a sliding fee scale because of these monies. Then, depending on your income, a session might even be less than $10 a session. You can also ask the local HHS office about these community centers that would offer a sliding fee scale, even if you don’t qualify for Medicaid. Maybe he would even qualify for disability if his depression is a key factor in keeping him from being employed??

There are probably more ways around your money issue than you might think. Good luck to you.

Erika

I lived through this, let her drag me along down with her. At one point I even contemplated suicide as our relationship spiraled downward and she refused to help herself or try to save our marriage. In the end, ironically enough, the only thing that helped was leaving. Some people just aren’t meant to be together.

My partner has been unemployed for over 2 years.I don’t know if she is depressed or not she says she has money worries but yet does not do anything to change her situation. Instead of going out to find work she spends all but an hour or so of her day in the office on the internet or reading blogs or on facebook. We have had many relationship problems since I’ve moved in her house because she wants to control everything. No decision is made by us together. It’s her way or the highway. I tried to prevent her from taking out a mortgage when her mom gave her a paid house that her aunt had left when she died and the minute it got signed to her she took out the mortgage the house to do home improvements despite what I said. I told her not to because she was unemployed and I was already stretched on my budget from trying offer extra help financially. As usual, I didn’t have a say. We are now barely being able to make ends meet. I was laid off from my job 3 months ago for a couple of months and I am back at work but she is impossible to live with. She says she is stressed about money and but yet won’t do anything about it. Instead she wants me to pay for everything that she cant pay for on her unemployment and when I try to tell her how unfair it is to me she just tells me if I am so unhappy that I should just leave. When I take her up on it she begs me to stay. Up until just recently she stopped spending money because she has no choice but she was shopping online buying thousands of dollars of sport memorabilia, buying season football tickets and going to fundraisers all on credit cards. She is now about 40k in the hole. I have tried to talk to her about it but she just shuts me out until her back is up against the wall and she needs money. When I refuse she throws me out once again. She knows I can’t afford to leave because I give her everything I make and she has wiped out my savings as well. When I don’t give it to her she goes to her mom who is 83 years old and I tell her she needs to stop that. She tells me her mom is well off and that it’s not my business anyway. She doesn’t understand it is hard to want to give everything toward debt that I didn’t create and on top of it something that I don’t at least partly own. I don’t know what to do. If I tell her she needs to do something she gets angry but it’s gotten even worse. We arent intimate, she wont communicate, she doesn’t want to be told anything and if I say something she puts my stuff on the porch. I don’t have a car because I agreed to trade in the new car I had bought for a truck that she wanted. She had 2 cars and wanted a truck. She told me that I could have one of them. I did it to make her happy. Now when she throws me out she won’t let me take the car and doesn’t care that I don’t have one. Is she depressed do you think? I have tried to get her to go seek help but she won’t. She says I’m the one with a problem or as she often says I am bi-polar. I know that I shouldn’t care but I do. Even though I see her as very selfish and ungrateful but then I think maybe she is depressed or something. What can I do? Should I just leave? Any an all suggestions are welcome. I’m at my wits end and I can’t take it anymore. Today I told her something needs to change or I want it to end between us because I just can’t take anymore. Please help!

My love, my ex, has been mildly to severely depressed for years, I can deal with it from a distance but I could not live with it, any doctor was met with anger and resentment - resentment for things that happenned 35 years ago. I am bipolar and so the more flashy mentally ill of the pair, and reading these comments and this article oddly makes me grateful for my bipolarity - I needed to leave to preserve my own life. One of the uglinesses of depression is that it can pass for normal, just bitter. One forgets the possibility of beauty and fun and joy in life.

Sadly Dr. Erika many community mental health centers are staffed by complete morons who revel in the illnesses they see rather than try to cure them, you would not believe what I have been sentenced to aftercare from manic episodes - after the hospital one is so traumitized that compliance is easy - until the realization that the asylum is being run by undereducated albeit good hearted ignorami…..

one problem is that the depths of mental illness of self or other is the worst possible moment to shop for a psychologist and shrink, you have to do this with care and with great discretion, they practice an art as well as a science, its only with the best luck that you happen onto somebody who can actually HELP you IMHO - why your column here is very valuable….

My husband has suffered depression since he was 17. When we married I had no idea and thought it was just moodiness. Spent the first 10 years trying to make him happy and helping the kids to stay out of his way. I soon learned it was depression and went to counseling myself. My regret after 26 years is that I didn’t insist that we get help.I kept hoping he would get better.It would be better at times and I would back off on my push for intervention. Trust me it doesn’t get better without some kind of intervention. Things and happy ocassions do not change the depression. He finally got to a breaking point and went for a week of therapy. He is on medication that has some side affects but nothing to compare to the depression and the talk therapy to help his “stinking thinking”. Life is too “long” to live with depression without help. My kids (now grown) are amazed at their new Daddy. It is my regret that they didn’t have him as they were growing up. So if you are new at depression thing or in denial, break loosea and insist on treatment, medication,talk therapy for you and them.

My husband and I have 4 boys all who have special needs of a varying degree. He (my husband) has been out of work for 2 years now, I do not feel he is even trying to find a job. He is happy surfing the internet and hanging out with the 2 younger children for an hour or 2 every day. The rest of the time I am at work they are in school or at daycare. He is constantly at war with my 15 year old , they call me constantly to settle their fights. I am working 50 to 60 hours a week to scrape by. We argue constantly because of his attitude. I have told him I want him to leave and he says he has no where to go and says he should just kill himself to make me happy. He is miserable and angry all the time and refuses to get any counseling, he says he is angry because of my attitude. I want to help him get over this deppression, I have gotten medical insurance for him but this has gone on so long….. I do not want this marriage any more. But I cannot be the reason he dies…my boys would be devistated. HELP Please.

Parents are in their 80s; married for almost 60 years. Years ago,they went for counseling and were told to get divorced, but did not. Now still unhappily married they are surely together for convenience. Mom has never worked;financially dependent on Dad. He pays the bills. They are estranged in their own house; try to stay away from each other. They rarely find common ground. They have always been difficult people They have always refused any kind of counseling. Dad has been treated for depression; I think he’s off his meds now. He has always been a pugilist and now wants to fight everything and everyone. If food falls on his lap and gets on his pants it’s the napkin’s fault. Their vitriole follows them wherever they go; Mom’s wearing her depression on her face. They reject any advice for professional counseling. None of the kids want to be around them becuase they are so unpleasant and trying. Is there anything we can do now to help them stop wasting the precious few years they have left, and enjoy their blessings? How can we protect ourselves and our kids from their toxicity as they get older; are we morally bound to accept them as they are or can we keep away except for extreme cases i.e. physical illness.

I have seen the man I loved evaporate right before my eyes…we met, fell madly in love…in the midst of planning our wedding he had to be admitted to a hospital for a perforated ulcer. Almost twenty surgeries later and ongoing unemployment on his part (over 6 yrs now), he has lost his spirit and I have almost lost my mind. He is aware of his depression but like others who’ve written in, he has not actively pursued getting help for it. Having to be his nurse through all of this and now not having him pull his part in the relationship has caused that love to die. Ultimatums about getting help don’t seem to work and deadlines don’t seem to work. Because he is on Social Security, being able to live in a rather wealthy area is probably impossible. I have taken on a second job to pay the bills and keep my house. Don’t anyone scream at me for “enabling” because that is such a destructive term. Let someone walk in my shoes before they use that term so casually. I am afraid that our relationship is over. I have told him that I will not marry him because he is not the man I loved and I am having a hard time accepting the person he has become. Any suggestions anyone?

I hope this doesn’t come across two-faced or hypocritical or even worse, useless.

I AM the depressed spouse in my marriage. I’ve had ongoing bouts of various degrees since I was 16 or earlier.

I recently took myself off of my anti-depressants which has my wife understandably concerned. But just since February I have been on three different meds the first one launched me into this “crazed euphoria” and then about four to six weeks later dropped me like third period French. I was MORE suicidal then I had been before the meds. The others have simply been less than effective.

I love my wife and I don’t want her to suffer any unnecessary stress but there are a couple of things that have been on my mind in regards to all of this.

1. Don’t look at and treat your spouse as some broken thing that needs to be fixed becuase we perceive your looks and such as pity for the poor helpless depressed kid. Not a big esteem booster. Look and treat them like the person you know that they are.

2. Sometimes and intervention is necessary. In January when I made the announcement that I was going to kill myself 28 February my parents drove through the night to come and be with me. My step-mother used the emotional plea and the think of your children angle and my father used the I die first you have a responsibilty to me after I die (caring for those he will leave behind). My brother-in-law called and basically said that my death would effect his children especially his son whom he said looked up to me. It didn’t end my depression but it has become this barrier to suicide that is hard for me to get around.

So maybe gathering a small group of trusted confidants to come to your spouse and say look we love you, we’re here for you, and we no longer accept you lying in the hole and dying as a viable option. When you’re in that hole you can only see the ones on the edge and when it’s a spouse or household family it’s hard to believe that your life has any influence. Because we see how hard we’re making it for you and we think our death or our absence will make your lives better so you can’t be the ones to change our minds. But when we see people appear at the hole’s edge that we didn’t expect to see. WOW. You mean my life has meaning!? NEWS FLASH!

I don’t know if any of that helps any of you. Even though I did take myself off the medication I know that meds can help others. I have one colleague who has refused all medication and simply attends counseling every week which she says helps her be aware of the thoughts and helps her to sort through her depression logically. I don’t think there is one true solution. I do know that sometimes you can’t understand why we don’t see that you are trying to help and that you care but that’s because you are looking at the world through a single glass lens and we (when we’re in the depression) look at the world through a cracked glass lens or even to some extent a hundred shards of a reverse kaliedescope that doesn’t make everything colorful and beautiful it makes everything dark and gray and ugly and worthless.

Love us for who we are and not who we are being. It will go a long way.

Very good article, well well put with good symbolics…I was there, tiptoeing around the large gaping hole for over a year…trying to toss in a rope, with no result. With two young boys, living in Saudi Arabia, far from home and any help, luckily employed, I had to give an ultimatum. The “bucket” of emotional bank account ran totally dry and we had very civilized discussions about this - I felt used, tired, worn out and helplessly manipulated, worried for us and for my own sanity - as well as my earning powers as this was going on relentlessly. Day after day, excuses of not working, of being busy, of mismatched schedules… I knew well he was depressed and had good help at hand. He avoided the issue. The result? Well, found another woman who promised to take care of him and dropped the baggage - us, the two boys and me in Saudi Arabia. How did it all end? For us, lots of struggle, but we pulled through and I got two emotionally healthy young men, one finishing college and one starting it now. Me, tired, but not hopeless, I feel in control and while we might not have all the wealth in the world.. we got a peace of mind and are realistic about life.
Do I have pain, yes. Was not able to help a spouse, but at least got the three of our out of a messy situation and have shown strength in dealing with life head on - as a single woman in the Middle East. The boys got strength from knowing that it is possible to make it and navigate through life with open eyes and honesty - it is ok to ask and accept help, a very solid self awareness that I am sure will take them to the right places in life.

To “Concerned”
I wonder if you can read your comments as if they were written by someone else, and think about how you would advise someone in that situation. Sometimes we treat ourselves worse than anyone else treats us. You say you don’t know what to do. . . maybe, at some level you know what to do, or at least what you’d advise someone else in that situation to do. Because my spouse was depressed and would not seek or accept treatment/therapy, I did everything I could to “help” make life better. A difficult lesson for me, personally, was about the “law of sowing and reaping”. In farming: you harvest what you plant. In physics: every action has a reaction. In economics: what you spend, you owe. Sort of a universal law that applies to everyone. Except when someone (like you or me) interrupts that law. Then one person sows, and another reaps. Your partner spends money and you are in debt. Your partner makes a decision and you bear the consequences. So why should she stop acting this way? She doesn’t have any problems; you do. You have so nicely taken on the problems she’s created as your problems. How would that motivate her to change? If she were carrying her own self-created burdens, she might be more inclined to change her behavior. You are helping her to behave this way, and hurting yourself in the process. Instead of wishing for her behavior to change, you might look for help with changing your own behavior, your own response to her. For me, counseling was helpful, as well as this book: Boundaries: When to say YES, when to say NO to take control of your life (by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend)which I’ve read several times and studied with a group of friends.You are applying your great sense of compassion in a most disastrous way. Acting in this unhealthy way costs you a lot and enables another to behave badly. Stopping your own enabling behavior may cost you something else. . . but it will be worth it in the long run. As for me, I am divorced from a man I would have done anything for. Without me to lean on in unhealthy ways, he has become a stronger and healthier man. As he solved his own problems he respected himself more, and became less depressed. In our case, he leaned on me until I was too broken to hold us up any more. Now he’s in what may be a healthier relationship than ours ever was in the 30 yrs we were together. I thought I’d do anything for him. Turns out the best thing I ever did for him was to stop being supportive of his unhealthy behavior. No perfect answers here. Either way (enabling someone or letting them reap what they sow) love turns out to be sacrificial. The challenge: courageously and lovingly speak and act on the truth, loving others as you love yourself.

I’ve been married for 13 years to a man I’ve since learned is severely depressed. For years I thought it was just his beer-drinking personality. But I’ve come to realize he’s like that under the surface even when he’s sober. He’s just able to control it a little better.

This is my second marriage. I have 2 daughters by previous marriage, who are grown, married and have kids of their own. He refuses to have anything to do with them. Belittles them (to me) at every opportunity. When he’s not gripeing about them, he’s belittling everything I care about. It is depressing to live with a depressed person. I am financially tied to him and won’t leave him. Fortunately he is a pretty good provider and financial manager of our income. He doesn’t spend money like there’s no tomorrow (like previous husband).

I’ve made a life for myself that doesn’t include him. He doesn’t want any part of it anyway. Just stays in his “man cave” and grumbles about everything. Occasionally he makes an effort to do something we like together, but it’s few and far between. I think of our relationship as roommates with occasional “benefits”. I moved into our spare bedroom and am very happy with my little sanctuary of peace and calm.

I survive by being plugged into a caring community of like-believers who support me emotionally with everything I need — companionship, support, friendship, prayer support, etc. At least he doesn’t mind when I’m out of the home to be with my family and friends.

It’s not the life I’d invisioned, but my attitude is that if I didn’t have this set of problems, I’d have another set. Life is just like that. At least I know what these problems involve. I look at other people and everyone seems to have some sort of problems; just different than mine. I think I couldn’t live with theirs; they think they couldn’t live with mine. So what would be the point of leaving him? I’d just be exchanging one set of problems for another. No thanks.

My husband is the smartest person I have ever met. He is very mathematically inclined, he is a computer programmer. As a younger child he excelled in school and earned a scholarship to Virginia Tech. He plays multiple musical instruments extremely well and is very talented.
He also has severe bipolar disorder.

During his time at college, he did a lot of LSD. Although he has not done that in quite a long time, somehow that seems to have marked when his depression began.

At age 37 now, he is on disability and he depressed and cannot bring himself to work or go to school where he would excel. He talks openly about it with me, and he is seeing a psychiatrist and is on medication. Although the medication helps his mood and helps him to get out of bed sometimes, there is a fine line between medication that causes his mania (effexor, welbutrin) and any kind of mood stabilizer which will keep him in bed all day (abilify etc.).

We have been to many counselors and honestly–none have helped.

Many times he sees how he could be making money or going to school and tries to pursue–but becomes easily overwhelmed by this and other tasks such as cleaning, shopping or paying bills.

We don’t have any children, and I am a full time graphic and web designer with a secure 9-5 job–and luckily it is possible that we could stay this way and be quite happy although it can be frustrating at times.

My biggest fear is that he will waste his entire life behaving in this manner. I read the responses above and am frightened by the fact that so many similar situations have been remedied by the spouse (me) leaving. I don’t ever want to leave him –I love him so much–I would hate to think that is the only answer or that I am causing this. This has been going on for over 10 years now–we have been together for 5. I have seen improvement, when we first met, he couldn’t get out of bed and his meds were causing his constant down time. Now his medication provides him with cycles where he functions quite well, takes care of normal house work, lawn maintenance etc. But then has a down cycle where he is sleeping all day and up all night. He also exhibits signs of Aspurgers syndrome (interested in something deeply for monthes and then on to something else–usually things like chess or video games, music), and has social awkwardness at times. Also some ADD symptoms exhibit themselves as well. I can tell that I am not going to be able to help him as much as I wish. I am too close, and because of this, my suggestions sound like a broken record and I have lost my impact. We both love each other very much, and if we need to work around this we will. I am a freelance web designer as well and we are trying to start our own business from our home–mostly because it seems like a logical solution to the work issue if he could work at home programming web pages with me.

My biggest worry is that all of his intelligence and talent will be wasted and he wont be able to live a fulfilled life. Is there anything that anyone can suggest?

I’m the one who suffers from severe bouts of depression. What I need most is to be held, but my husband seems to be unable to. How can I get him to help “pull” the depression out of me, whereas, sometimes, I’m just feeling a need for security and love.

my significant other of 11 years was depressed and anxious over being laid off in March another time after we relocated from another state. I am a psychotherapist so I saw the signs but was in denial too . In hindsight I say this as he was always not so good at taking care of himself . I found myself being more at my wits end- seeing him isoltate himself , his outlook was very negative and getting worse . I told him . He would not do anything about it though. he ended up not taking his blood pressure medication the last day of his job and he died a few days later. Still a complete mystery and a shock. and alsays will be. I think the anxiety was so much and fear that he was not thinking properly. I saw this to see what I could have done or what others could do in similar situation.

I believe that the family needs as just as much help at the one suffering with the depression. We are powerless over the person suffering. By getting outselves out of trying to control that one person, we can help them more than we know. they have to understand that it comes from within themselves to get help. I believe that we can throw the map, shovel or whatever, but we have to leave it up to them to make that choice to throw it back or dig themselves out. its hard I know, i am there suffering this right now trying to make a life decision

Friend, although your partner may be depressed, she is also exhibiting a severe lack of maturity and discipline. Please don’t let her depression continue to dig you deeper into your own hole.

You, on the other hand, will most likely benefit from counseling, and quickly. She is not going to listen to you, and the only way to help her is to help yourself first. I know because I have been there. Find your center and your strength. Stop the enabling behavior with her spending, and if her mother wants to bankroll the sinking ship, that is her decision to make.

Please listen to what others have said in these posts: You have to help yourself and do what is necessary for your own health! Only from that point of strength can you be an effective helper to your partner. Good luck.

I had two special needs kids, one of whom needed doctors two hours away, several times a month. My husband had been on medical disability leave for two years and was not getting better. He took more work and energy than the two kids together. He came up with a treatment plan that both his therapist and I thought was great. It featured hard physical labor with a friend who was not a professional counselor but an empathetic listener who had beaten depression himself. I sent husband off and felt a huge weight lifted. Four days later he said he was coming home because “it might not work.” I could not have him back. It would surely kill me.
I changed the locks, moved to friend’s house(he could be violent), found him a B&B for a few days, and called it quits. Eight years later, after electroshock therapy, he is still depressed, but mostly angry and abusive. He still drinks heavily and looks like hell. He retired early expecting to make more as a consultant, but the economy went bad.
I see now that all the years I stayed with him (I was depressed too, but sought help) was not helping anyone. His depression, anxiety, alcoholism and abuse was far more than I — or anyone could fix. He still is the way he is, only more obviously. My kids and I had to move on. The kids still see him, but I only see him when I pick up the kids, and then I stay at least 10 feet away, out of arms reach.
Despite tremendous stresses, my depression is better but my health is broken. I may not live to see my children grown.

I am divorced, but I see my son trying to make it with a chronically ill depressed wife. Every symptom she has, they both base in physical illness. While there may be a medical diagnosis for the chronic illness, we are a “whole person.” The problem of self accountability and family responsibility must be approached by both.
Suggestions from me make no difference.
Do we wait for a crisis? Hospitalizations are frequent for the wife, so that is not the crisis.
The 4 year old was just diagnosed with juvenile diabetes and that did not turn her around.
How do you assist one who denies emotional components of a medical illness and really are the main problem? Why do some people bounce back and change while others continue with their adverse behavior? We pray, we help, and will do so while the children need us. What is the answer? Continue for years helping and when the children are old enough to be independent, then bow out and allow that emotionally unstable person to fend on her own? Change is a choice. Yet, how to wait for the change or if it never comes, is the issue.

I left my husband of 29 years two years ago and moved 1500 miles away, he was out of control with anger, we were broke, pornography you name it. We ended up talking about a year ago and he said he would do what ever it took to get help and we both sat down and discussed all the changes I needed to make and the ones he needed to make. He came to live with me for a few months and it wasn’t easy but we fought our way through. We got remarried last July and by August he was lying, wouldn’t go to get help, caught him cheating with an old girlfriend on the internet and guess what I was broke again.

He is on meds but refuses to see anyone outside of that and is divorcing me this time because he says I don’t treat him well and am disrespectful (when I call him out on his behavior). As much as it hurts I am letting go and moving on. This had destroyed our family AGAIN and I am done. I wish him well and hope he does get help.

My partner and I were together for six-and-a-half years. During that time, we always told each other we would grow old together, and would always, no matter what, work on our relationship if we ran into difficulties. In December of 2007, my partner’s mother was diagnosed with cancer, by March of 2008 she had passed away. During my mother-in-law’s illness, my partner was her primary at-home caregiver. During that time, I could feel my partner slipping away from me and from us, and I reacted in a needy fashion. Not a good move on my part. On July 31, 2008, I came home to a note telling me that for her our relationship was over, she had left our home, and had moved into her mother’s house. She filed for a dissolution of our partnership (same thing as a divorce, but for domestic partnerships). That was nearly 11 months ago. It has been the worst type of sustained grief I have ever experienced.
My partner will tell you she is not doing OK, and does not think she will ever be herself again. She sees a therapist, and is attending a grief recovery group. I know she will get better, but it will take time. Friends tell me I need to move on, but I promised my partner “for better or worse,” and as I jokingly say to friends, “I don’t think it gets much worse than this!” If my partner were depressed, and had to be placed in a Psychiatric Unit for help, I wouldn’t leave her. But, because she’s able to move through the world, and appear to be OK, I’m supposed to simply accept that she simply changed her mind about us, and her mother’s passing really had nothing at all to do with it. I know, in my heart, that is not the truth.
I imagine a time will come when I might have to move on ….. but I’m just not ready to give up on us yet.

For Malik H.

I am a concerned that you may have been misdiagnosed with depression when you may truly be struggling with bi-polar disorder. The reaction you described to the anti-depressants you took (you said “crazed euphoria”) are what happens to somebody with bipolar disorder who has been placed on an anti-depressant. Anti-depressants in a truly depressed person serve to help them feel better. In a person with bi-polar disorder,anti-depressants increase the levels of serotonin too much, way too much, and cause the “crazed euphoria” that you described. Medications for bi-polar disorder work completely differently than those for clinical depression. I would suggest that you request a clinical evaluation to see whether or not bi-polar disorder is what you’re really wrestling with. I hope this helps. If this proves to be what’s happening, it is a very common misdiagnosis, and usually the reaction to the medication is the give-away. Again, I hope this helps.

We thought it was depression because of my husband’s laziness. Dr. suggested a blood test for a testerone level and sure enough it was very low. Check this out on your hubby before deciding he’s depressed. (Women too can have low testerone levels)

I too have a husband who is suffering from depression but would not seek help. I have asked him repeatedly to seek help - about 5 years now. I also am on meds for depression - it runs in my family, my mother was close to a nervous break down 19 years ago (doing great now) and my maternal grandmother commited suicide when I was 5. My husband’s brother has suffered from depression since his teens and was suicidal about 10 years ago - he is also receiving treatment and on meds but still is unable to work (or so he says) My sister-in-law must work full time (she has MS - but in remission) thankfully they have no children. So it stands to reason that my husband would also suffer from this. He is in the process of receiving a kidney transplant so I know the depression has increased greatly. As part of his receiving approval from the transplant team his social worker has insisted on my husband seeing a behavioral therepist - otherwise he would still not be doing anything to get help.

Well, this article is not very nice at all because it offers NO options for a person faced with the described situation. So we are supposed to figure this out for the author? How lame!

To the person who wrote this:
“Friend, although your partner may be depressed, she is also exhibiting a severe lack of maturity and discipline. Please don’t let her depression continue to dig you deeper into your own hole.”

HOW DARE YOU!!! WRITTEN BY SOMEONE WHO HAS NO IDEA WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE DEPRESSED!!!!! DISCIPLINE??? WE ARE DEPRESSED, WE ARE ILL. MAY GOD FORGIVE YOU BECAUSE I WILL NOT AND NEITHER SHOULD ANYONE WHO KNOWS ABOUT DEPRESSION.

I can’t believe this article showed up like this. This article nails my situation on the head. I was hoping for suggestions. I have been considering finding a counselor for me just so I can pay someone to listen to me vent. I don’t want to vent to friends and family because I don’t want them judging my husband and I don’t feel like I have any way to let out this frustration.
My husband has been suffering from depression for a long time. He feels like he is stuck in a dead-end job with no chance to move on, he feels like he doesn’t have any friends and he has no options in life. I have been trying to find different things to help him for years. Every suggestion I give him is rejected and I sometimes feel like he is drowning and taking me with him. I love him very much and want only to find help for him but I can’t force solutions down his throat.

I notice some people post that after they separated, either they or thei partner’s depression got better. Is that evidence that they were not happy with their situation and that there is evidence to external circumstances causing the depression?

Thank you soo much for writing this article! It allowed me to remember that many people continue to struggle with mental illness. I was married for 5 years~ my husband was typical of what many people say. He was educated, had a good job and a bright future. Unfortunatly, he didn’t see it that way. I know that he was torn and stuggled alot while he was here. If I had to do it again, I would be the example. I would also have walked away from my marriage a few years before, as for some reason I thought that I could change HIS life. I had to have my heart broken, and MY life nearly destroyed for me to understand that while we love each other, we are each responsible for ourselves. I believe, the best thing we can do is live well and trust in something beyond ourselves!

my brother could not pull himself out…no matter how much we tried and he ended up comitting suicide. Our lives have been changed forever and none of us will ever be the same….how could he just leave this way without saying goodbye and how could he think that this would be better for all of us ? We loved him unconditionally. We are damaged for ever and will never be the same people we were before. Please THINK before you do this to the ones who love you.

I am in that hole. It started when my professional live imploded after 9/11 and got worse when I found out my husband of 15+ years was having an affair with someone 35 years younger than he. I figured he was going to dump me, so I took a job as fast as I could, just to have security and health insurance, even though I had another six months of severance pay. The job was awful — deadening, mind numbing and demoralizing. But by then I was already too depressed to seek another job. I stuck with it for 4+ years, till I was let go because my depression was interfering with my ability to function professionally.

I sat at home, unable to do anything. I filed for unemployment but didn’t follow through. I didn’t respond to head-hunters when they contacted me. My husband was still seeing his mistress, though he’d promised to break it off several times. I thought it would be better if I were dead.

I went into therapy, but couldn’t share my inner thoughts or the depth of my incapacity. She encouraged me to take a stand with my husband over his affair. I did and he stopped seeing his sweetie.

I saw the therapist for a couple years, while I let go of life more and more. Finally, I attempted suicide. Obviously, I failed. Killing oneself is harder than one thinks. I ended up in the psych hospital and stayed there for almost two weeks. When I got out, I went into an intensive outpatient program for a couple months. I still have no clue why I should live, though I realize that people I care about were terribly upset by my suicide attempt. I don’t want to harm them by trying again.

My husband and therapist are constantly offering ideas and options. I am not able to follow through. I might start but I can’t sustain the effort. I see the strain my incapacity is causing, yet I can’t find anything I can hold on to to pull myself out. My husband’s rope ladder is laden with obligations I can’t meet.

I’m still working on it. Perhaps I’ll find my footing, somehow.

I was a victim of having my husband’s life sense of ability deteriorate before my eyes. I could not believe it. I was forced to make a decision for my life and the kids at ages of 5 and 7. I was scared and frightened of the unknown to come. I reached out to several people for help. My husband refused help and did not get better. I chose to leave the relationship to save my sanity and my kids well being. The kids were beginning to imitate their dad’s behavior so this raised my protective side to act immediately. I walked around like a zombie for 1yr, trying to keep focused, and educated myself of what I can do to help. I learned that mental illness is not an easy thing to process right away and how to take one step at a time. My husband was not well and I had to accept it, acknowledge it and prepare for a future without him. He did not want to seek help or try to make things better. It has been 11 yrs since I left him; he finally got help like 3yrs ago. I try to keep things simple between us since we both have moved on with our lives with other people. I am happy that he finally got some help. I know it’s not his fault he was born with this mental illness. I just wished he would have got help sooner since the kids did not grow up with him; he was always in the hospital. I can’t give the kids back their childhood years they missed without their dad, but I told them it is never too late to start building. They are adults now and stressed to them to always love their dad and don’t be afraid. Just love their dad and try to educate themselves to understand more about the disease. Life is precious, seek help and plan to make it better for everyone.

A few years ago I read some studies on treatment of obsessive-compulsive disorder, suggesting that behavioral therapy or combination of therapy and medication tended to work better than medication alone (so treatment is not all about manipulating brain chemicals). Similarly, I suspect that depression is not about brain chemicals alone, that external circumstances contribute, and that a therapeutic external environment can be created to some degree. The response of those close to you can be such an external factor. So when people close to the depressed person seek help for themselves, as their response becomes less enabling/ less dysfunctional, it changes the circumstances of the person with depression. Losing a reliable “enabler” could be quite a shock to anyone, and could result in confusion, anger, etc. that the relationship might or might not survive. But that doesn’t mean someone was particularly unhappy with that partner, as compared to any other partner. With professional guidance, a partner can learn to “speak the truth in love” and to help create a therapeutic environment in the home. You’ll need a support system to even try this, though, as your partner’s response to you may be rejection, anger, manipulation, etc. Difficult to risk that much pain to yourself, no matter how much you love someone. And no, this is not the same as leaving your partner for your own mental health. This approach does put your relationship at risk, but with every hope for a better future for yourself, your partner and your relationship. Sometimes there are casualties, but sometimes stronger, healthier relationships emerge.

I just recently left a relationship that I was in for 13 years with the same diagnosis. I just could not kept my husband from depression even with medication I had access to. I work in the medical field and still I could not help him and I feel like I failed him and he was dragging me with him. We have 3 children under the age of 12years old. For 13 years I was the main supporter and I felt I was going to have my own breakdown. That scared me because then my children would not have parents. I come from a long line of strong women so I took strength in that and pick up my children and left. I am hurting for the husband I left and I worry for him still but my mental health has to be restored to raise my children alone. This is no way to live and my husband does not want help.

basically what you all are saying is tell the other person in your relationship to get help or leave. there seems to be no other solution! that is what i just did (before reading this site). one week ago i gave my husband the ultimatum and he just left. he had no where to go before when i had told him for us to just go our seperate ways because we could not get it together and he refused professional help for our marriage and for him to get back to work. he had just joined a few weeks ago thru my suggestion to connect with some men at our church, so he went to live with a couple of single guys. now they can talk about the women they have left and counsel themselves how better off without us they are. sorry, still a little bitter that i asked him to leave and he took the easy way out and left my 2 kids and i instead of being a man and try to work our marriage.
i have been carrying all the responsibilites for the past 15 yrs, so i guess to just leave me with all of it is just the easier road for him. he says to the kids i still love
your mom. and then leaves.
i know he is depressed and he needs help. all the suggestions that i have made fall on deaf ears.
i know that he needs the quite away from and kids to hopefully get some help.
the surprising thing is that we are so at peace right now in our home. the kids saw that he was always yelling and screaming. now there is just quite. we are enjoying it.
i always said to anyone that was having marital problems you should stay in it for you kids. DON’T. it will tare you down. stress you out. and i pray to God that it does not destroy me. i want to be around for my kids until at least 100 yrs old! let them get the help they need and give them space to get the help and want to do it on their own. its not easy right now. i never thought i would be a single mom. i have to do everything. i have been so self sufficient since 14 that i know we can get by without him. i am truly blessed with my kids. i have to say because i have been working full time forever that i have taught them to help with cooking and cleaning. they are just 14 and 9. they are a big help. i don’t take advantage of their help and plan lots of activities on my time off so they can enjoy being kids.
this can work……
i don’t know how this will end. all i know is that i am enjoying the quite. for the first time in my life i am thinking of me and my sanity. and of course my kids.
having lots of close friends and family that you can talk to helps a lot. i don’t go into detail with them. but knowing that they know my husband is not in the picture right now and i can call them to help at any time, in itself is a big relief.
i still want my marriage to work. i still love my husband. the only way is to help the chemical inbalance that i know know needs to be worked out thru counseling and meds.! maybe for me too. lol
i will call as a matter of fact tommorow. i need someone to talk to, to help sort thru this life’s messes.

What do you do about h who thinks he knows it all, is bossy, irritiable, and full of putdowns and then wonders why I get depressed? It’s like living with Mr. Hyde while the rest of the world sees Dr. Jekyll (daughters agree with me on this). I think he’s depressed again (was in the past and got help). H and I have been married for almost 29 yrs, with two great daughters. Would love to leave him sometimes but feel I cannot due to love, economics, and our long history together. He will not go to couples counseling (tried it in the past, but he hated that sometimes the counselors would see things my way). I’ve taken meds for depression for 15 yrs and have been in and out of counseling (currently in). Depression is inherited; sisters on meds and mom should have been so. Trying to decide how to continue to live with husband who should be taking meds but won’t (weight issues, I suspect). He sees psychiatrist every other week or so, but never told him until recently about major family crisis seven yrs ago (started by his infidelities). It’s like he does not want to look bad in front of his shrink! Daughters and I have actually discussed writing to his shrink about him. When I confronted him with proof of his infidelities (emails, etc.) seven yrs ago, he came clean, saw our MD, took meds, and went into therapy for a while. All was pretty good for the past several yrs and he has been faithful and accountable to me. He started a business which is growing and not affected by the bad economy, but when we lost over 25% of 401ks in stock mkt crash last fall, he started getting irritable and bossy again. Older daughter, apple of his eye, regularly gets angry with him because of old family crisis; she felt betrayed by him, whom she worshipped growing up. He tries to blame everything on me. I am looking for work (quit four yrs ago when younger daughter started getting into trouble; I needed to be available to take her to private school and therapy, etc.). I am over 50, and several jobs I was in contention for have gone to people fresh out of college. Have been substitute teaching, and may find work as teacher’s aide this fall, but he feels it’s beneath me because of much lower pay, my high level of education, etc. He also puts me down a lot for my looks even though others tell me I’m attractive. At the same time he likes me to be available for anything he needs. I am at my wit’s end several times a week. When he was away on business recently, younger girl and I loved it. When he’s here, I am quiet although I talk about whatever he wants to talk about…he rarely will engage in things I am interested in without complaining about it in some way. Am trying to put together decent life with other friends, etc. to keep myself from going insane, but he criticizes them, etc. H is extremely charming and engaging with others; it’s like living with Mr. Hyde while the rest of the world sees Dr. Jekyll. Suggestions please!

I wrote this response to a friend that sent it to me. The bulk of it was written based only on the title.
I respond here as upon reading it I think it is a wonderful description of exactly the situation people find themselves in not only with “depression” but many other “labeled” conditions.

While I do not have a ready made solution as someone that deals with these problems professionally and by the way have had my share of experience with them personally I offer the following comments.

So I think this type of explanation while very descriptive, and where else do we start but with a clear narrative, a “defining” of the situation, is much more powerful if we zero in on shame as the operative emotion not what I see as the “diffuse” state of “depression”. Through an overwhelming sense of shame the person then “Isolate self”, “withdraws” from the world.

Them the use of the word “refusal”t bothers me as it suggests they purposefully are running away from the what I call the “good scene” as if they don’t want the good scene. This sense, I admit, is not carried on in the bulk of the article as it expresses great empathy for the person as do all the excellent comments I read. Yet I think we are in a slow process of changing our language from a punitive form to an empathic one and “refusal” is punitive, blaming. Of course the “refusal” is very far from the truth. They have great interest in capturing the good scene but simply the do not know how. This “lack” of ability just causes more shame, self-disgust and contempt. It builds up and we are off to the races again. That is we withdraw, avoid situations and finally attack when nothing else works.

All these “maneuvers” are hard to break through as so much of the activity is subconscious and our limbic system(the emotional system in the brain) high jacks us. It is not the integrated intelligent person that we know “choosing” to do what they do. Again the brain has been hijacked by the hypothalamus, amygdila and insula where in the person is driven mostly by confusing old trauma and the learned responses to that trauma, with the present situation. That is not to say the present and the people in it are not at time traumatic but with age we should acquire skills, now in the present, to help us find better environments and safer people. By no means easy. Life is much a study in finding that the world is a very dangerous place and yet understanding there is the real possibility of connection, interest and love. Therapy is one way. But where do you find the therapist that won’t humiliate you? Sometimes this is very hard. And we are back full circle to the fact that we where to begin with isolating ourselves and SEEM to be telling the world we don’t want help.

Medication can help a little to start the process but then why am I going to trust medication or the person giving them? For one, do I fell such self disgust for my ignorance and weakness that I am too unworthy of help?

The only answer I have found is never ending patience and interest in the person. Abiding interest has been shown to be the one thing people report as helping once they get better. Not easy and everyone has to make the call as to how much they can take. Beyond that education, improving “emotional intelligence” helps. Understanding shame helps.

Best

After a twenty-four year marriage, my husband decided that locking the children and I out of the house was preferable to getting some kind of help. He refused to admit there was a problem, and I had told him that he needed to get help or go live somewhere else, so he locked us out. As many others here have said, he also is very intelligent and very angry. Depression in men sometimes looks like anger. I can relate very well to the concept of “walking on eggshells,” and keeping the kids out of his way. Also, he started drinking more and more as the years went by. In the early years, I just thought he was a moody, pessimistic person, but things got so bad. I was determined to stay married and get him help, viewing his mental problems as a sickness and the worse in “for better or worse, in sickness and health.” When he made the choice to lock us out rather than get some help, I realized that I could no longer allow him to have this kind of power over my children, and I filed for divorce. Once I was out of his gravitational pull, things seemed much clearer and my own mood lifted measurably. It was so wonderful not to have to listen to the verbal tirades. It reminded me of the scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy goes outside and Oz is in color. That’s how it felt to be away from him, and I was able to get perspective. To those of you who are where I was, I want to let you know that there is life on the other side, and it’s very good. It’s been four years now, and my boys and I are doing well, we are close and our home is peaceful. Their father is still a very unhappy, negative guy who won’t seek help. I’m proud that I hung in and tried so hard to make my marriage work, and I’m equally proud that I made the tough decision to divorce him and move on and make a good life for myself and my children when he left me no choice. I wish you all the best.

My spouse is a depressed individual who also drinks and makes it worse, he has been in and out of the hospital with alchohol related illnesses, the last time was about 2 months ago and we were doing ok but I was so angry with him that not really understanding his depression and his disease
I let all the anger out on him for two days and he reached for a bottle of whiskey, and although I begged him not to drink it he said he just needed a drink, I took the bottle and hid it and it led to a big battle and I also took his money and he threw me on the bed and long story short my daughter was involved and and I called the police and he went to jail, we have seperated of course but it brought him back to reality, the reality that he could lose his family for good, and our business and home and virtually everything. So we have sought conseling, something I have begged him to do for years, he is doing well and still living away from home, but we are still running our business together and doing ok with it, it is just sad that it had to come to this to make him come out of his depression and self pity, but at least we are all seeking counseling and he has finally woke up!

Wow - I’m so moved by all the responses on here. Some have found their way together with their spouse, some have had little choice but to leave. All of these responses have shown just how difficult and entangling depression can be. I really hope that the outpouring here can make a difference for people struggling with this, whether they are the depressed spouse or the one trying to help.

Thank you all for your comments. It really does help for me to say what I am thinking out load and I think Lou made a comment about if I read my post what advise would I give to the person in my situation and you know Lou I would probably tell them to get help or leave the situation to save themselves. Ive been dealing with this quite a while now and I have slowly been letting go. I have cut off any extras that I was giving before and I pay my set monthly amount that I give to her and if there is any reason I have to pay for something that she occasionally asks for I deduct it from what I give her at the start of the month. When she sees I’m leaving to a store and pops her head out of the office to ask if I can pick up something she needs I ask her if she has any money and usually she says no. My response is then well I guess I cant pick it up for you then. I get shot with some mean remark and I leave to the store. I think I’ve always known that I was allowing myself to be treated this way as one of you said but I think I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t want to do it anymore. I’ve mentioned getting help again and I was told that we can’t afford it and I’ve offered to pay for it and she says instead of blowing the money on things she doesn’t need she wants me to give it to her for bills. I told her I would not but if she wanted the help I would leave the offer open. I’m making plans to separate myself from this because I know it isn’t going to change. I asked her very calmly yesterday if she has thought about getting a job to help her situation and she said she thought about it but was hoping I would get that better job than I have now that I just recently interviewed for because it is a fantastic opportunity. I’m waiting for the call. I told her not to depend on me and she said but I do depend on you. I told her I was no longer available for her to depend on. I told her I am in the relationship because I love her not here to support her. I don’t want to support anyone and refuse to. I saw a look on her face that I hadn’t seen before. It really hurts me to be that way but I guess tough love is in order. I’m looking at it like if I lose my relationship with her at least I know I did all I could and at least we both will have to learn to only depend on ourselves.

I wish this article gave people in this situation some way to help themselves or their loved one. Today my wife of 31 years and I finalized our divorce. Depression is such an evil illness and so few understand it. I could go on and on at what my wife went through and how I was willing to try or do anything to help her. She was hospitalized, was seeing her doctor and therapist on a weekly basis. In the end, all for naught. I came home one day and she was gone. I know there are many, hopefully most, mental health care providers that are willing to fight for their patients recovery but I do think there is a fair amount out there that just want to achieve a level of stability for the patient but not willing to get them to recovery. Before my wife left, she was on ten different medications. Not all were for depression, but still a massive amount of medicine. Years earlier she was in a similar position and a new doctor took her off everything. In 48 hours, I found the woman I had fallen in love with all those years ago. As time went on and with new doctors, things went back to where she was on so many medications again. I tried to get her to agree to getting a second opinion, but she never would and in the end she left. I can not describe the hurt of having my marriage fall apart and the worry I still have for my now ex-wife. But, at the same time, I feel in such a better place personally. I’m not on the emotional rollercoaster, I’m actually enjoying life in ways that I had almost completely forgotten about. I wish I could offer some words of wisdom to others in this situation. But I don’t think there is an answer. Medicine might help, or it might not. The doctors/therapists might help, or they might not. You can try all you want to help, but I think that will be misunderstood and probably cause more harm than help. You can’t blame the person with the depression, it’s a disease, like cancer, in my view, it’s worse. I think some people get better and some don’t. For those of us with loved ones that have this disease, all we can do is hope for the best.

My husband has recently sank deeply into depression. He won’t get any kind of help. I have had problems with depression myself, but I realized that I couldn’t pull myself out if the hole without help. For some reason he is adament about not getting help. He is so depressed that he feels nothing. He knows that he is miserable but can’t pinpoint why, therefore, can’t fix the problem. But I have become invisible to him. Because he is so “empty of feeling” as he says, he don’t know if he is still in love or not. I don’t know what to do. Do I stay and pray that he comes out of this or take myself and the kids and leave him before his misery becomes my own. the only problem is I love him and don’t want to walk away from our marriage. How can I convince him to get help.

iTried -

Believe me, if I thought I had a tried-and-true answer for depression, I’d have given it to you. As you said, sometimes you just have to hope for the best if you’ve done all you can do. And the greatest therapist and most effective medication can only take a person so far. They have to be willing to pull the rest of the weight themselves.

ITried’s story is uncomfortably similar to mine…except I remain married after 33 years. My wife was diagnosed with depresssion over 20 years ago and has done nothing but deteriorate since. We’ve tried joint counseling, she’s on medications, all of the remedies that I think most competent professionals would recommend but she will do nothing that requires her to go outside of her comfort zone. If there is any discomfort involved, she will not comply with the therapy. Furthermore, I suspect her physician has allowed her to become dependent on her pain medication (prescribed for chronic pain due to spinal problems). Most recently her psychiatrist has wanted her to be hospitalized but she has refused. She is certainly lucid enough and therefore cannot be declared incompetent.
Prior to her more recent deterioration she worked and ran her own business. She devastated us financially when she borrowed a lot of money and then dropped an expensive project saying she was too depressed to work anymore. My attorney says I have no choice but to declare bankruptcy.
She has always had a controlling personality which is manifest in the way she manipulates our entire family.
Presently she spends her days watching TV and smoking. She won’t go to see her therapist if she doesn’t feel “up” to it on a particular day. I can’t get her to engage in any type of socializing at all. All of our friends gave up on us a while ago.
I have tried counseling and, incredibly, my counselor said to me, “I’m glad I’m not you!”
I am truly horrified that I cannot help my wife. I think the analogy of the “hole” that the depressed person occupies is particularly apt. My only wish is that there was some offer of a suggestion for helping to manage a person so abysmally depressed.

To: Still Holding the Rope.

It was almost scary reading what you wrote. You mentioned several things that I did not, yet I too delt with those issues. My ex-wife also had back problems and although she had surgery still used pain meds. She always found a way to get them, even from her dentist. She quit her job because she was too depressed. The last year we were together, she would spend each day watching rented movies, up to four a day and then surfing the internet. I can also relate to the finace problems. While I’m not to the point of bankruptcy, it will take me a couple of years to get back on my feet finacially. We attended joint counseling for over a year, in the end the therapist told me, “you don’t need marriage counseling, your wife needs to be treated for depression”.

As I stated in my earlier comment, I wish I had some advice to offer. I think Erika Krull’s comment “They have to be willing to pull the rest of the weight themselves.” Is quite true. I have a friend that was depressed for a number of years and one day he said that he had had enough. He weaned himself off the meds and he’s been fine since. I still hold out hope for my ex-wife that one day she’ll wake up and do the same.

I will say one thing to you, if you can, try and take care of yourself. I know it’s hard, maybe impossible when you are in that situation. I am only now starting to get healthy and take care of myself. I still think of my ex-wife every day and the pain is there, but also, I have a level of peace that I didn’t have for so many years.

Best of luck, and remember, other people have or are going through very similar situations.

iTried:

Thanks for writing back. I didn’t touch on the solution aspect of this because I wanted to focus on the recognition and identification part of this problem. That does mean I should probably do a follow-up post on that part - thank you for the idea!

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 yrs, and recently he wanted some space, to see where he stands and to see if this is what he wants in a relationship, so he moved in with his brother. I feel like he has some form of depression but I know he won’t go to a doctor because I asked if we could maybe do some counselling and he said no because it’s stupid. He gets to where he doesn’t want to be bothered by me or his own children, doesn’t want to talk to anyone or anything. He says he feels like he works for nothing, and isn’t getting anywhere in life . He says he loves me, and cares about me, and has never felt this way about anyone, but doesn’t know if this is what he wants in a relationship. He’s had two failed marriages and has one child from each, so I don’t know if he’s afraid this will fail too. I’m so confused about what to do at this point because I want to help him, but he won’t let me. I know he has to make the first step, and I can’t make him, but I don’t want to loose him. Any advice????

so sick of hearing dh complain as how he can’t control his eating, get on an exercise program, stop sleeping his days away. he will see a psychiatrist for meds but refuses to work with a therapist. every time i mention it he says as how he doesn’t like “that black woman” that prescrfibes his meds and i keep telling him, she is not a therapist and he wouldn’t be working with her anyway! he told my therapist he was willing to find a therapist and work on making change. now that he has admitted that, i’m trying to relinquish any further responsibility and get on with my own life.. and here we are and he is still stuck in the same old crap. it’s sad. i think i’m out of patience for it all anymore. whenever he brings it up i try to be decent about it but inside i get disgisted and angreier and angrier. how do you continue to love someone who keeps b-tching about the same problems for years and years and never does anything about it? not even anything as simple as turning off the cable for a week to see if it would be different. and he, too, does better when i go away. i’m sad. we do have some good stuff between us but i hate this and i feel hopeless that he will become a healthy person ever and i’m beginning not to care.

My marriage recently ended after 30 years - it was my idea because I too ran out of energy to “make him feel good”. I became angry and resentful of how many happy occasions were destroyed due to his poor, pitiful me attiude. He reports to me now that he is receiving counseling as well as on medications and that he is very happy. Good for him. I will not go back to that - ever. I call it self preservation and it is working for me.

My finace (ex) a very happy go lucky, positive man had surgery 5 months ago. He was on pain medication for three months (2 months before one month after)and actually went through withdraw symptoms upon coming off the drug (Oxycodone).
He became very withdrawn, negative, unable to sleep, felt tired all the time, had little apetite, wanted to be home all the time and had no sex drive. When I would ask about what was happening he would get very upset and say he needed to take baby steps. I encouraged him to talk to his doctors but he didn’t. I continued to try to talk about the issues and he withdrew further. He appears very confused and can’t make decisions, he vacilates back and forth sometimes over the course of one conversation. He now blames me for the fact that he is not back to himself because of all the stress I put on him. All I did was try to help but he actually looks at me differently and accuses me of manipulating him etc. things he knows I’m not capapble of. I’ve watched the man I love disappear before my eyes. He told me last week that he needs to be alone, so I’m no longer in contact with him. I’ve still got the ring and I’m wondering what to do next, just give up on him or wait it out and hope he snaps out of it.

My husband of 29 years is suffering from some health problems. He seems to be angry because of changes in his life that he cannot change. He lost his father 2 years ago and seems to be getting worse since. He talks frequently of suicide. He works but when he comes home he just sits there. He looks at me like he hates me and wishes he could just leave. He is ill and angry at everything and everyone. complains all the time. he threatened to leave and I told him to go. I have not slept with him since. This just seemed to make it worse. I tried to explain to him how this was making me feel and this made him feel like a failure I guess. I ask him to talk to someone, or get medicine for help. The doctor has me on antidepressants to help me get thru this. It does not seem to help much. He is a good man and has always been willing to help others, a good provider, and until recently a decent husband. He has never been very affectionate but not mean. Now he is cruel with his words and I have seen a side of him that I have never seen before. I get so lonley and do not know what to do. I am afraid to talk to anyone we know for fear he will get worse. I am desperate for help. He will not help himself. what to I do? Just let him keep going down hill and possibley comitt suicide? HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!

The theme that runs through this article and the posts are that it shows how inadequate are mental health system is for supporting the person going through the illness and the families trying to help. I couldn’t help but notice how many of these people went on to divorce or left the person never really solving anything but just leaving. The mentally ill person is left to their own issues to try once again in the world with another person. And yes I know that everyone says you can’t force someone out of their mental issues but you can, I believe firmly get people to take ownership for their behaviors and feelings. This means that if professionally trained individuals such as Psychiatrists and Psychologists were more willing to become engaged with families and the person having the issue the more I believe there would be a chance to heal. Leaving an ill equipped family member to deal with someone on their own with the person having issues makes no sense. Chances are they are the point of many of the issues because it seems that proximity to a person and how well you know a person allows the mental illness to grow and flourish. There a millions of people suffering today that many would have no clue they are but their family members see another side. But what most often occurs is just what the article says, the family member is rejected or even chastised as too even think the mentally ill person needs help. They will become more entrenched to not seek help and the professionals stand by never engaging only waiting for the day the person comes to a hole so big that they have ruined their lives and many others…which by then the damage is already done. We are so concerned with the stigma of mental illness that god forbid we have someone with a degree or experience get engaged and force the person having issues look at themselves. No it’s not pretty or easy but it sure seems a better approach than hoping the person who is ill figure out they need help and go on their own. Seems so contradictory it’s almost humorous. You are not thinking clearly with your mental illness but we need you to think clearly enough to realize you need help to get any help. Go Figure…

Tim,

I hear your loud and clear here. I’m wondering, just from reading your suggestions, that maybe you think more of an “intervention” style of help would make more of a difference. That’s just what I’m getting from what you wrote.

I have to respectfully disagree with some of your suggested approach to helping families. The “leading a horse to water” cliche holds a lot of truth here. Confrontation doesn’t always do the kind of job you think it might. I’m not saying it couldn’t work some of the time. But it isn’t a very effective front line approach.

Doctors don’t chase patients down to take their medicine every day or come in for treatment. And forcing someone to see a specific viewpoint often causes a defensive reaction. People have the free will to not be forced into treatment they don’t want, even if it makes no sense. That’s both the good and the bad news of our mental health system. The exception might be someone with legal issues requiring them to attend treatment.

NAMI is a terrific support system for people with family members. NAMI stands for the National Alliance on Mental Illness. People can talk, listen to others, and find ways to cope by going to these groups. This is a good resource for families whether their loved one is participating in treatment or not.

Believe me, I have been on the “make you see the light” end of that conversation a few times. Sometimes, as a last resort, this can help turn a corner. But for counseling to work, you need to form a relationship, an alliance. Not easily done when it starts with heavy confrontation. More than likely, that person won’t come back because it’s construed as an attack.

Counseling is so much more productive and helpful when the person has come to their own conclusion that they need help. No matter how it comes about, that realization always comes from a person’s voluntary submission to help, not from force.

heart broken -

I’m so sorry you’ve been through such a difficult experience. And I feel bad for your fiance as well. I really have no specific idea how long you should or shouldn’t hang on. The thought that popped in my mind was to ask yourself how much time you wanted to continue to dedicate to him before you decided it was time to move on.

If you are in the mindset that you really want to be married and have a good life with someone, you need to decide how long you can stay with this particular opportunity. That might be a few months, a few years, something else. I don’t know that answer.

He is probably not be capable of being a husband now, maybe not for a while. Again, it means you need to look at the bigger picture and decide how long you can realistically stick with him before you would need to let go, recover, and seek a new relationship.

I’m sorry there isn’t an easy answer. Hopefully, it will pass soon, but it’s hard to know since he’s not in contact with you right now. And even if he does come back around, he’s been through something difficult and may still not be ready or even interested anymore. Keeping the big picture in mind will help.

Gayle,

You mentioned that you are on medication from your doctor. Are you going to counseling on a regular basis, or perhaps a support group of some kind? If you model that seeking help is actually helpful, perhaps he will be more likely to be open to it. You can also learn ways to let go of the junk he throws at you so you can keep on going.

Depression has a way of becoming like a sinkhole. The more you try to dig the other person out (that doesn’t want to be dug out), the more you seem to sink yourself. When you appear more capable and resilient, this might create the opposite effect. And even if it does nothing to change him, you can rebound and get a clearer head. Hopefully, a counselor you choose would help you make the choices that make sense for your life, rather than just pushing you to one solution they think is best.

He may or may not bounce back from this right away or seek help. But it doesn’t have to prevent you from having a better life than you are at this moment. And it doesn’t mean you absolutely have to give up on your marriage if you don’t want to right away. He’s probably scared and frustrated.

If you do see signs of suicidality, call your nearby hospital. Even if you just have a question, they can help you know what to do.

I hope you find some help for yourself if nothing else. This can certainly drag you down, and possibly be more than you can manage all by yourself. Best wishes for you.

Erika…

I don’t to be honest really know what I would be suggesting. All I know is that I have a person in our home that says and does things that most normal people would not say. Much of what is said or done may have little basis in the reality that is happening all around. So as much as logically I understand the whole “you can lead a horse to water” concept it again is hard to wrap my brain around. Because what we are talking about is mental illness and I presume with this comes a myriad of issues that the average person rarely touches or deals with. These are things like feelings or issues from the past now clouding your present reality. Things that perhaps only medication can really assist with along with talk therapy. As much as I would love to say having someone build an alliance with the person seems on the surface a good idea. It’s a very dicey and slippery slope because at any moment the person can turn and run which in itself seems an indication of problems. The issue anyone faces when dealing with this illness is you assume that they the person with the illness will finally open themselves up to being healed when in fact as most of these posts say and everything I have read about mental illness says the contrary. People when held to there own device will not choose to go because in their mind they feel they are not the problem it is everyone else. There in lies the conundrum don’t you think. You are approaching an issue from a free will perspective as if the person were free at all when in reality the illness has distorted all sense of what is truth and what is fiction. They are making choices that can ruin lives theirs and others. See anyone coming from abused homes, pedophiles,and any other deviant behaviors. Most deviant behaviors have some tie to mental illness.

My situation is very similar to these, and like some, it is very much in the present.

My husband has been addicted to opiates off and on since his onset of back problems, which has lead to depression. He also suffers from anxiety, which was really the first issue to arise some years back. Sometimes I wonder if the whole thing is just untreated depression…

His entire life is a mood swing. During the good times, I am led to believe that all is well and we are free of the past troubles. Then almost without warning, I discover that we’re in the midst of yet another crisis. I find out about a relapse and then we start down the LONG road to withdrawal and recovery. It seems that each round is worse than the last.

I am constantly weighing our kids’ and my happiness against his issues and the hope of keeping our family together. I know this question can’t be answered; but I am struggling with “what should I do” and “when is enough is enough.”

He leads me to believe he’s better and mentally strong; then not many months later here we are again dragging through another relapse, dealing with his angry mood swings and suicidal talk. I guess I’m enabling him. But what is the difference between enabling and being a supportive wife? Its so hard to take a step back and look at the situation while you’re in it.

I have done everything I know how to do. However, I still feel guilty that I’m causing it, not preventing it, doing something to make it worse, etc. He twists and manipulates things and makes me out to be the “bad guy.” That makes me feel guilty (as it is intended to do). But what do I do with that?

He’s been in a withdrawal mode for what seems like a month now. He’s gone through the physical withdrawal symptoms and now he is dealing with the severe “lows” as his body tries to readjust (at least thats what he says). He is a message board junkie and thinks he knows medicine better than doctors. He refuses to get help because he thinks the Dr.’s will just want to put him on meds and he doesn’t want them. Another reason is that he is afraid he will screw up his chances to get health insurance if we need to change in the future.

He makes excuse after excuse for why my ideas won’t work. I try to talk him through his opinions, but it doesn’t work. At this moment he is choosing between going to the Dr. and suicide. He says he prefers the latter. As for the Dr., I know he’ll manipulate the situation so that he isn’t “able” to go today for some reason. Trying to force him is unsuccessful.

Meanwhile, I am sitting here at work typing this, instead of working, despite how busy I am, feeling angry that he may be manipulating me(to get me to leave work early or to pick up the kids tonight when its his “turn”); fearful that I’m wrong; frustrated with the fact that I have to feel guilty for being angry; and deeply saddended that this cycle has repeated itself enough that I don’t feel that desperation and fear that I felt the first times he threatened suicide. I just feel manipulated at this point. How selfless do I have to be to ensure I’m being a supportive wife? How do I balance that with being a good mother and protecting our children?

I love my husband and I love our family. I don’t love this. I feel like saying, “I don’t know what to do.” But I think the real issue is that I don’t know how to make myself do it (separate from him). When he is himself (which he is some of the time - I think), he is such an amazing person who I love to be with. But those times don’t last. I feel like I have been manipulated to the point that I don’t have confidence in my own ability to make good decisions about this.

Anyway, I guess this turned out to be more of a vent then a Q & A that I intended. I am thankful that so many others were willing to post their stories.

I write this with much confusion and frustration with a system that seems to be the epitome of a catch 22. I ask this has anyone in the mental health profession tried a unique or different approach which would be a more direct or assertive approach to many of the troubled minds that all these posts talk about. How many of these posts said I had a spouse, significant other, son, daughter, etc with mental illness and they after months or years of torment woke up and realized they needed help. The answer is zero. How many said that after years of living with the illness they couldn’t take it anymore and had to move on. Numerous. The problem never solved but just allowed to move on to a different neighborhood to cause havoc. There was a story not long ago about a boy in Minnesota who had cancer and him and his parents tried to refuse treatment but what happened was the government stepped in and he was forced to receive treatment. If this can be done for cancer of the body why not for the cancers of the mind. As I have written before mental illness in it’s definition alone tells you that a person is not thinking clearly or logically. The medical dictionary defines Mental Illness as this: Any of various psychiatric conditions, usually characterized by impairment of an individual’s normal cognitive, emotional, or behavioral functioning, and caused by physiological or psychosocial factors. The key area to focus on is impairment of normal cognitive functioning. This should tell any professional that the person is not viewing the world as it is. This would also tell me that if the mental health community were to take a more proactive or assertive approach more people would be helped. Yes, I know it’s a fine line to cross but at some point especially in relationships if a person is doing damage or harm to themselves and others mentally then a professional should be able to mediate and step in as an advocate for either the parents, son, daughter, or spouse that are dealing with this cancer. This doesn’t mean locking people away for life in an institution like the old barbaric days but more of an AA approach where interventions take place forcing the person to look at themselves and quit running or blaming others for their problems. The way things are setup a person can do as much damage as legally possible and never be stopped because we wouldn’t want to interfere in their personal rights. Well I say if you are suffering from an illness then you cannot make the kind of healthy decisions required to be around people then mediation should be demanded and allowed. We should not allow families to basically go it alone to deal with these insidious illnesses that will and do crush lives and families. The support groups are great but what they are, are ways for people to vent just like this blog. However, what they are not, are solid solutions to helping people who cannot help themselves for whatever reason. These people with mental illness will continue to destroy friends and family until they either finally give up or actually break the law, and that to me is insanity in and of itself. That a professional community can diagnose illnesses but do very little until the person comes in and is willing to get help. I call this INSANITY or the Great Catch 22. They are crying out for help with their bizarre behaviors but no one does anything because the community waits for them to walk through the door saying I need help when in fact they can’t see it and probably won’t until the help arrives and where in lies the problem because help never arrives until they ask for it. Talk about the ultimate catch 22.

Reading what some of you have wrote about making the decision to leave a depressed spouse who will not seek therapy and also those posts of ones who themselves are depressed makes me believe even more how unfair life is. I got this idea from a blog post I read awhile back. It is pretty simple, if you don’t have anything to make a person want to be with you, then they won’t be with you- unless they have some other compelling force to make them stay. The reason why people tolerate you for a while is because they hang on to the hope that the person that they were getting “utility” from will one day be repaired and resume pumping out that utility and because if the healthier spouse doesn’t at least make an effort to be compassionate, they will experience guilt and cognitive dissonance. People who become depressed, will have less to offer their partners. Since their partners are only human, they will naturally over time want to leave their depressed partners if they do not get anything from the relationship. Therefore, the depressed partner who is now alone, will ultimately in the end, be left to suffer alone, unless they were lucky enough to have found one of the rare spouses who would stick it through. Being able to stick with your spouse who suffers an accident or illness and now can offer you nothing is worthy of being praised because it so rarely happens in real life. Now suppose the tables were turned- those who left their depressed spouses now become disabled themselves? They will have to bear the harsh reality they once employed that their spouse may very well indeed leave them. The fact that this stuff happens paints the ugly picture of reality. My advice to those who are depressed, be very aware that your spouse may leave you and have a plan B. In the end, you are on your own. People will walk maybe a mile with you, maybe even 5 miles- but I doubt that a single person will walk 100 miles with you- unless they knew they were getting something for it at the end.

My husband is currently in that “hole”. He is depressed. He has been out of work for over a year now due to the economy. I have tried to help him with a resume, search for jobs, signed him up for career counseling. He refuses any sort of help. We rarely fight at all but the last few months have just become uncomfotable at home. I really don’t know what to do. I can’t support us financially yet he doesn’t seem to want to help himself. He tells me he will never be happy again. Any suggestions?

Karen…

Not knowing all the specifics of your situation I would be less than helpful in giving you specific thoughts or suggestions. None of us with little information could give you sound advice without knowing more about the specific issues you face. However,what I can say is that based on the fact that I have gone through a similar period in my life where I was unemployed for a long period of time I can estimate some of what your husband is probably feeling right now which may give you some ideas on what to do. First, he’s scared and who wouldn’t be there is no clear time-frame when he will be employed again so he fears many things like making payments, food, shelter all the things he took most likely as always going to be there. Next, he’s feeling hurt, unwanted, not needed and left out. Like the player never picked to play you are left standing on the sidelines. All your friends are in the game as it were and he is left watching. They go to work daily why he sits and wonders if someone will pick him. Not a fun spot to be in. Imagine the hurt that brings. Now finally, he probably feels like a failure. To himself, to you and your family, to friends etc. No one wants to be a failure especially at this magnitude. It’s one thing to fail at painting the house the correct color or something but this digs deep to the core. To him this is a reflection on him and it looks ugly. So with all this going on it’s no wonder he feels depressed. If I gave you all these scenarios or anyone else and said You will feel abandoned, not part of the team, you are letting yourself and others down and by the way you may not survive long where you are at because we are going to take your shelter and food away do you think you might have a little difficulty with it? I am guessing the answer would be yes. Now your goal or mission is to figure out how to help him and you deal with those feelings. Help him feel wanted, alive, needed, worthy. Help him discover the strength that we all have when things are going not as we planned. We all left the nest of our parents not knowing if we would survive but knowing that we thought we could, and look we did. We all took that step out starting our first job and we made it. We had no assurances. We didn’t know if someone would hire us but they finally did. We lived at a much lower level and we never thought twice about it…because we were free and moving up that’s all we cared about. The only difference now is that we have greater expectations of ourselves and may have others who rely on us. But we did it once before so we sure can do it again. Remember sometimes in life we have to take a step or two back to move forward. Help him know this is a step back but it’s not who he is, it’s what is happening to him. Unless he lost his brain along the way or is physically unable to get up and work then he is no different then he was when he was employed. The key is HE is no DIFFERENT. The job situation changed but not him. He may have to take on a different job, part time jobs, other things until things change and they will but doing nothing and being depressed about it will not make it happen sooner this I can with 100% certainty say. Good Luck and have FAITH!!