As the surgery nears, it’s making me think back to all the landmarks of time that have passed since my daughter was a baby.  It’s stunning to believe she is almost ten years old.  Unfortunately, many moments during her baby years were overshadowed by my depression.

Since my girls were so young when it happened, I don’t think they would guess I had so much sadness and self-torture inside back then.   The depression drained me of much of my energy, liveliness, and confidence.  I gave whatever I had left to my girls.

I put forth a Herculean effort to be there for them, which is what it took to survive through the depression some days.  Yet I seem to have fewer clear memories of their baby days than I would like.  I have enough pictures to remind me, but I know I spent so many hours right next to their face doing important things.  Why did those years have to be tinged with anguish??

I have thought about this many times.  If I had the opportunity to get a hold of a time machine somehow, I would hold my two oldest girls as babies just for five minutes.  Five crystal clear minutes to be a sponge and soak it all up.  Their smell, their sounds, their tiny veins and fingernails and even my one girl’s non-repaired lip.  Just five minutes with nothing but a warm aura around us.  Love, hope, joy, and freedom.

I had a very positive postpartum time with my youngest.  Well, aside from it being very busy with a toddler and a preschooler.  But those moments of connection, unburdened by heavy emotions – I had enough of me to give to the girls and to keep for myself.  I could soak her up and it seemed to stick better.

I truly don’t think my depression affected them in any long-lasting way, which I am grateful for.  I am quite close to all three of my girls, which is the most wonderful gift I could have hoped for in my darkest days.  That’s a good thing since puberty is lurking around the corner.  We’ll need that closeness during those challenging tween and teen years.

And yeah, I know I won’t be getting those five minutes.  I don’t get too hung up on that.  Instead, I try to have my five minutes in the present moment with each of them.  That’s what really counts anyway.

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    Last reviewed: 4 Jun 2009