
As the surgery nears, it’s making me think back to all the landmarks of time that have passed since my daughter was a baby. It’s stunning to believe she is almost ten years old. Unfortunately, many moments during her baby years were overshadowed by my depression.
Since my girls were so young when it happened, I don’t think they would guess I had so much sadness and self-torture inside back then. The depression drained me of much of my energy, liveliness, and confidence. I gave whatever I had left to my girls.
I put forth a Herculean effort to be there for them, which is what it took to survive through the depression some days. Yet I seem to have fewer clear memories of their baby days than I would like. I have enough pictures to remind me, but I know I spent so many hours right next to their face doing important things. Why did those years have to be tinged with anguish??
I have thought about this many times. If I had the opportunity to get a hold of a time machine somehow, I would hold my two oldest girls as babies just for five minutes. Five crystal clear minutes to be a sponge and soak it all up. Their smell, their sounds, their tiny veins and fingernails and even my one girl’s non-repaired lip. Just five minutes with nothing but a warm aura around us. Love, hope, joy, and freedom.
I had a very positive postpartum time with my youngest. Well, aside from it being very busy with a toddler and a preschooler. But those moments of connection, unburdened by heavy emotions – I had enough of me to give to the girls and to keep for myself. I could soak her up and it seemed to stick better.
I truly don’t think my depression affected them in any long-lasting way, which I am grateful for. I am quite close to all three of my girls, which is the most wonderful gift I could have hoped for in my darkest days. That’s a good thing since puberty is lurking around the corner. We’ll need that closeness during those challenging tween and teen years.
And yeah, I know I won’t be getting those five minutes. I don’t get too hung up on that. Instead, I try to have my five minutes in the present moment with each of them. That’s what really counts anyway.
This post currently has
3 comments/trackbacks.
You can read the comments or leave your own thoughts.
Last reviewed: 4 Jun 2009