In about six weeks, my oldest daughter will have a major surgery for her cleft palate.  It will be painful for some time, and will restrict her summer activities.  This isn’t her first surgery, though.  She had three before she was one year old.  She’s had a number of other outpatient surgeries, but those first three were pretty significant.

That was also the time period when my postpartum depression set in.  I’m sure I had several things stacked against me from the beginning.  I was a first time mom, so I was inexperienced and already adjusting to motherhood in the first place.  I knew I was going to have a baby with medical challenges.  I appreciated knowing first rather than being surprised.  But learning about the long-term process was overwhelming.  I was returning to work two months after her birth, which was also the time when her first two surgeries occurred.

Just reading the above paragraph can probably clue you in to the amount of weight I was feeling on my shoulders.  She was healthy and cleft palate isn’t an immediately life-threatening condition, but her care was complicated and she was pretty small.  My postpartum depression had already taken a hold on me by then.

One moment I remember very well from her first surgery when she was two months old.  It was a brief procedure, just inserting an appliance in her mouth to help widen it slowly in preparation for the next surgery.  When she came back from surgery, she was wailing in pain before her medication kicked in.  Her appliance covered some of the cleft and filled up some of her small mouth.  Her cry sounded more muffled than what I was used to.

I felt so helpless for her.  The surgery was necessary, but we had put her in pain and she didn’t understand why.  Whatever I had done to try to be strong for her fell apart.  I couldn’t comfort her with my words or touch, I just cried.  My long hair draped over her head and my tears rained on her face.  We were both in pain, and we cried together for a while.

Now I bring myself to nine and a half years later, at a time I’ve been dreading – another major surgery to continue repairing her palate.  We will be staying in the same hospital as before.  The staff there is great, our family has been so supportive, and so much has happened in the last almost decade.

I have not experienced my postpartum depression or PMDD since 2004, so that is the best news of all.  I know that I’m going into this with much greater understanding of the process and better endurance.  Also, my daughter can be part of the process.  She has done so well with this her whole life.

As I have done some official preparation for the surgery date, I have been thinking quite a bit about this coming up.  How will I really react when this all unfolds?  Will I still be overwhelmed despite my good mental health and support?  Will I retouch parts of my postpartum depression roots with this experience?  I want to cuddle hold her completely in my arms like I did when she was a baby – how will I do it now that she is so much bigger?  How much will I cry?  How will I react when she comes back from surgery with a huge bandage in her mouth, and her speech is once again muffled with gauze and pain?

These are such huge unknowns, but I will be relying on friends and family much more this time for relief and free expression.  I’m certainly going to pay more attention to the potential relapse triggers, especially since they would be similar to past triggers.  I hope that my depression stays at bay, but I’ll most certainly stay more aware of my emotions this time around, whatever they are.

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Anonymous (May 14, 2009)

How many people here have suffered from life long depression? | Lifes Like... (May 15, 2009)

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